To wonder how it is affordable to be a SAHM?

[Moobieboobie]

This is not a WOHM vs SAHM debate but am genuinely curious ....... I am on mat leave with DC2 and keep being asked if I am returning to work. I would love to stay at home this time round but sadly this is not a possibility as both myself and DH earn roughly the same thus my salary is 50% of the household costs. We would not receive any benefits etc as we would still be above the threshold even without my salary. If there is someway around this please let me know as I will try anything!!

I wanted to go back to work as I had a huge fear of being like my mum, a very intelligent and (for her former career) highly qualified woman who decided to return to work when I was 10. She simply could not find a job. She ended up spending a very long time at a local FE college getting qualifications and got a pt, very poorly paid job when I was 14. What a waste. My dad earned an okay wage, but there were few luxuries. My MIL gave up work when pg with my SIL (late 30s) and never went back to her former nursing career. Perhaps I am selfish, but I am always thinking long term..

Fwiw, with one child in school and another due to start school nursery, we can see a light at the end of the tunnel re childcare costs. Even with out of school club and oliday provision, we will soon see money in the bank because I have kept my career going. I work pt andat some point I will increase my hours.

Btw

I'm not bitter.

I'm so fed up with women being left high and dry and we never ever see it as our job to be independent fully functioning adults outside a relationship

Anyone who has someone else pay for their tampons is brewing trouble IMO

Morethan - but what did you do once children were in full time education... And then teenagers... And now adults?

(That's not judgment! I genuinely want to know!)

There's no straight answer to your question, OP. There are so many variables.

Of the SAHM's I know , it is either a high-earning DP, or less likely, inheritance. I live in a relatively expensive area.

Of the WOHM's, it's usually maintaining a professional career where it pays enough to finance childcare. or escaping domestic drudgery

I work p/t & think it gives me the best of both worlds. However, for my. 1st 6 months back at work, the childcare cost for 2 children was an absolute killer financially, even on 2 professional salaries. It would not have been sustainable long- term, but nor would SAHP . Thankfully DS started school & it is now easier.

We don't have holidays abroad ( holiday this year was 4 nights paid by inlaws), went down to 1 car , rarely have meals out or takeaways. And that's with both of us working

I don't think I could face a life of no haircuts, no car, EBay clothes , etc.

But each to their own.

I have never understood the concept of equal relationships being based solely on financial contributions.
In our family, dh and I each have our strengths and we use those to make our family work.

Jesus this was a thread where an op asked for info from sahps.

Funny how such threads are filled by the same old people who have no sahp experience lecturing doom/gloom and telling perfectly intelligent adults how to run their lives.It's so patronising,rude and belittling.I'm 46 years old with a brain and a degree and I don't need to be told to do a course thanks.

It's almost as if such posters want to convince the world that their choices (which will have their own negatives nobody can ever discuss) are the best choices. Aren't you supposed to be working?Choose somebody in the office to lecture thanks I don't need it.

Seagulls

I currently work part time and am due to go in mat leave with DC2 in a few months. Whilst I am really looking forward to my mat leave and being able to be with my kids full time for a while I intend to return to work and likely be full time
We could afford just about for me to stay at home but I like working it gives me confidence and I think makes me a better mother as I value my time at home so much more.
I also want to have some financial security as my DH sector is not stable and normally the first to go whenever there is a recession so me bringing in money as well makes me feel better.

I also don't like the full burden of supporting a family on one person. Again I like the security of having 2 incomes.

Everyone is different. If you really want to be at home you can find a way. It's about what works best and also what feels best for each family.

Seagulls

Fair enough lots of cheese. I'm happy enough to have faced the pinched misery of today's leisurely breakfast and bath, putting on my charity shop merino wool dress and some comfy boots before going kite flying with the children, taking one to a doctor's appointment and coming home to a tasty meal. It beats my "career" days of 2 hours of travelling and 10 hours in a stuffy office, constantly worrying that I would make a terrible mistake , although I do sometimes miss the sociability of the badly paid job I loved but gave up when I had kids.

DH works three days and I work the other two so we split childcare between us. We earn about 26k between us.

I appreciate this is more than some have, but I just don't really find it that hard. When I think back to when we were kids in the 1980s, we have so much more stuff now than we ever did then. Not being able to afford butter, no heating, one pair of second hand shoes each, no such thing as games consoles, Internet etc, no such thing as eating out, one rusty old car that constantly broke down. That was real poverty.

Of course we make sacrifices here. Everything we own is old, the car is not great, the house is not really big enough, pur clothes come from supermarkets but I don't think these are major problems to deal with. We still have a telly and a garden and the kids have plenty of toys. We don't really have many days out or eat fancy food but Aldi is fine and the kids are not really all that bothered about having brand new everything.

I think growing up with fuck all has helped though. I've never really had any money so don't miss it really.

Its only affordable if your partner is on a high-ish income.

We are lucky that we never limit ourselves to a budget for good food and wine.

We can also afford to put our children in nursery a few sessions a week to give me a break.

My parents contributed a few thousand towards my car for me and DH drives a 12 year old car as he hates spending £s on cars.

We are not into gadgets and expensive clothes labels.

We have weekends away at friends' and family's houses or to cheap hotels at the seaside. We don't go on holiday every year to spain or greece for example.

We could do with the whole ground floor of our house being redecorated.

We need some new furniture around the house and new carpet in some rooms.

We bought a mid range DIY store kitchen rather than a high end kitchen.

We live in a modest house with a mortgage that doesn't stretch us.

I could go on.

I am terrified that when our youngest is at nursery, I will not be able to find a job.

Lol Seagulls hope that was for me
Nothing I like better than a mummy telling me off

High-earning husband. That seems to work.

I'm more than a mummy thanks.

Curiousgeorgie

Lots of sex as dh works from home a lot.

I studied a lot and went from no GCSE's to Masters level courses including a PgCE and BA Hons. Oh, I got a maths and English level 2 as well. Mostly from the comfort of my arm chair
Then I had hobbies and interests that kept me amused and I did the house so as when dc were home from school I could spend my time with them.
I helped dh a bit with his business, and I also manage the household income as dh doesn't like money, seriously.
Now I do more as dd has been H.ed for 2 years, we are just going into 3rd year.
Many years before this though we lived in the stix and housework really did take a lot of the day as we had an aga for cooking and a wood burner for heat. My arms were very muscly.

Ronald, I have paid for my own tampons for just shy of 30 years now, so hope I'm qualified to comment.

I worked until the week I gave birth and was back at work within 6 months of each birth - I have always worked.

It made no financial sense whatsoever at the time for me to carry on working - my wage was wiped out on childcare costs.
(Caveat: we have always had a joint account, where all income goes, and outgoings are met - there has never been "his money & my money").

I chose to work because
a. I wanted too
b. Had I left, I could not have picked the job up again where I'd left off (armed forces)
c. I had my eye on the long game

When a working mum comes onto a thread and berates other mums for choosing to sahm (for whatever reason, financial or just want - it matters not), it is exactly the same level of uncalled for shitness as a sahm implying I don't love my children enough.

Choices are personal, and made for a variety of complex reasons.

The OP didn't want a lecture in not being responsible for her own sanitary procurement - she wanted to know how people manage to make it work.

But that is your main role isn't it?
Why then get cross when described as mummy? Especially when bustling in to tell people off. Nice mumming

I meant it nicely. You had a choice and made it. I applaud you for it but caution all eggs one basket
That is all

Ronald, if you meant it nicely, I think you need some serious work on your communication skills, as I am struggling to read it as anything other than a piece of passive-aggressive belittlement.

Actually I don't recommend either style of parenting
I recommend independence. Above all, independence.

I have seen far too many people treated appallingly to buy into the idea of true love forever, his income is my income etc

I am amazed by how blindly we walk into it. I genuinely am concerned by how it happens given our knowledge about work divorce child support etc.

So my point was I don't get how the childcare is magically deducted from the woman's salary
How we then talk about joint finances after we have left our jobs and not before
Why do men not do this?
How is it joint money when one person can take it away.

I think ideally we'd all be at home with smalls in an equal share
That way we'd stay clued in, upbeat, realistic about work outside the home
We'd feel capable if/when the worst things happen

Can I ask what jobs people had before becoming SAHMs? Were they high/low-paying, did they require lots of training, were they in family-friendly sectors? I wonder if all of those factors make a difference.

I personally don't want to live in what if land. Yes we might divorce then again we might not. Right now is good.

I think it must do Janine - if I were to become a SAHM I would not be able to return to my career without having to re-train. I have to work a certain amount of hours a year to maintain my qualification. Taking time out to be a SAHM would mean I wouldn't be able to just walk back into the job.

So wp aren't mummies then?

Ronald

What makes you think in everybodies relationship that one person could take all the money?
I think both working and sahps are left pretty much high and dry if their partner leaves.
Most working parents I know couldn't keep the lifestyle they have without the other.
All the money that comes into our household is paid into my account then transferred into joint account for bills.
I buy my own things, I can spend what I like.
Of course his income is as much mine, how many teachers, taxi drivers, negotiators, clerical, house keepers, gardeners, cleaners and cooks do you know who do it for nothing.
My dh thought my contribution to the family to be as equal if not more worthy than his so he gave me all his money. I have managed it well and if he left tomorrow apart from maybe working pt nothing would change financially.
Why do you want to presume that sahms are second class citizens without a brain