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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask dc dad for more maintenance?

136 replies

GaryShitpeas · 01/09/2014 10:13

Ds is 8 and his dad pays £170 a month maintenance. It's a private arrangement, we don't go through CSA or whatever it's called these days.

Here's the thing. I need more. don't know what his dad earns nowadays. But he has just bought a house for 180k and he has a mortgage on it which he said he got with he 5% deposit thing that's around now. So I would guess to get a mortgage of that size he must be on at least 30k? And I'm sure it's meant to be about 15% of salary as dh has another dd from his previous relationship who he pays that amount to her mum, and that was via CSA

But It's so awkward as we get on really well now and i don't want to risk jeopardising that and therefore possibly his relationship with ds

Wwyd? And Aibu and grabby to ask for more? I do need it btw I'm fucking broke tbh

OP posts:
LadySybilLikesCake · 01/09/2014 12:08

He should pay more, Gary. I'd write a list of how much you spend on Ds and see if you can reach an agreement.

Good luck Smile

HaroldLloyd · 01/09/2014 12:09

WTF has her working got to do with anything?

It's irrelevant if what other costs an adult might or might have, this is CHILD maintenance. Which is why it reduces if the child is in the home.

LadySybilLikesCake · 01/09/2014 12:13

Sorry, I hate when people dissect posts, but I don't agree, Daisy.

Both adults would have rent/gas and elec with or without children. Not really. If ds isn't here I don't put the central heating on, I also use less electricity as there's no need for a nightlight and there isn't an extra laptop going.

Both need somewhere for the child to sleep so those costs shouldn't count. You only need one bedroom if there's a couple. A child can't sleep in a parent's bedroom, so you need an extra room for the child which costs more.

Unless under 5 and full time childcare needed, then the money should more than cover what a child costs per month. A lot of childcare costs are expensive, and the school holidays take up chunks. If your child needs a private education (SN) then this is around 1.1k a month and will have to be paid until your child is 18 and leaves school.

ICanSeeTheSun · 01/09/2014 12:13

WTF has her working got to do with anything?

If the ex's partner is working then it may mean that he is on less money, if he is then the csa will only take his earnings for the amount he has to pay.

poshfrock · 01/09/2014 12:14

Maintenance is calculated by the CSA on gross pay less tax, NI and pension contributions.
So if he's earning £30k pa and paying pension contributions of say 3% then his take home would be £1886 per month. You would be entitled to maintenance of 15% which is £282 per month but this does not take into account any overnights that your DS spends with your ex or his 2 DSC which would reduce the amount due to you.
But as someone has pointed out above if he bought his house jointly with new partner then his income could be much lower and still get the same mortgage.

wink1970 · 01/09/2014 12:15

Be wary of forcing payment via the CSA if you can reach it amicably instead.

My DH offered £800 per month for his DC privately and the ex took him to the CSA as she thought he should pay more (based mostly on her wish to not work, though I appreciate this is not the OP's case) ... the calculations came in at much less, £500 in fact. So, that's what we paid.

It also spoiled an until-then decent relationship with the ex-wife, with DH refusing to talk to her ever again. This has affected DC's sports days, birthdays, graduation day, etc.

HaroldLloyd · 01/09/2014 12:18

She wasn't referring to the ex partner she was referring to the OP.

ICanSeeTheSun · 01/09/2014 12:19

I do apologise i read that all wrong Blush

poshfrock · 01/09/2014 12:19

When my DH was paying maintenance for his DCs he used to pay the CSA amount plus extras like school shoes, football boots and school trips. He also increased the amount everytime he had a payrise. Perhaps you could come to a similar arrangement ?
Of course the really annoying this is that now DSS lives with us ( and DSD used to ) we don't get a penny from his ex, not so much as a shoelace but that's a whole other thread.....

Llareggub · 01/09/2014 12:19

They force you into trying to sort it out yourself before enforcing any payments. I had a long chat with whatever the CSa is called now and they have some useful tools for breaking down how much it costs to raise a child. Luckily my ex coughed up after a rocky month and I found a little chat with his mother was very effective...

DaisyFlowerChain · 01/09/2014 12:22

Of course it matters if one parents doesn't work. Why should only one shoulder the costs? Both chose to have sex and have a child, more doesn't get to opt out of supporting that child.

NRPs are slated on here for not paying towards their child, double standards to say it doesn't matter if the PWC doesn't.

Childcare is the biggest expense and may take the monthly total over the amount of £340 plus £80 CB (if oldest child) and tax credits if applicable.

Rent will be negligible given their are two adults and a few children already in the house so a one bedroom flat would never have been part of the bills.

basgetti · 01/09/2014 12:26

YANBU OP, sounds like he should be paying more, hopefully you can come to an agreement.

Wink your DH's response to his ex contacting the CSA seems very extreme and selfish to his DCs, if he ruined happy childhood events just because she had the audacity to seek support via a legitimate government agency.

Lovely to see Daisy back with her new name coming up with more inventive ways to slate SAHMs and women in general, even when it has absolutely nothing to do with the thread at hand.

HaroldLloyd · 01/09/2014 12:31

I'm slightly confused how the resident parent could not be supporting them seeing as how they are actually living with them, hence my confusion.

ArsenicyOldFace · 01/09/2014 12:32

It also spoiled an until-then decent relationship with the ex-wife, with DH refusing to talk to her ever again. This has affected DC's sports days, birthdays, graduation day, etc.

He sulked about SAVING £300 pcm to the extent of never talking to her again!? Is he innumerate?

You LTB of course?

DaisyFlowerChain · 01/09/2014 12:32

Basket to, the OPs own financial contribution has a lot to do with the thread. You seriously can't think it's right to ask the other parent for more money if not equalling the amount yourself? Why should only one pay? If it was reversed and the male was asking for more money the stance would be the same.

It's got nothing to do with SAHP, have no idea what the OP does.

Given we have no idea of the childcare costs involved, nobody can say if more should be paid. If no childcare then £340 plus CB is more than enough to feed, clothe and pay for school bits. Any foreign school trips can be discussed as and when.

ClashCityRocker · 01/09/2014 12:33

My calculation comes up at fifty pound a week.

So still slightly more than you're getting, based in 29k income after pension contributions.

It's all a moot point as we are guessing his income.

daisy whether or not it costs more or less to raise a child is irrelevant. The child shouldn't be disadvantaged by the parents separation financially so if the parent earns more, the child receives more.

Which is why it is done as a percentage rather than a flat rate of x amount a week per child.

basgetti · 01/09/2014 12:34

Well then what is the point of child maintenance guidelines then Daisy, if they should be disregarded so easily? By your logic then if the RP is a SAHP then the NRP shouldn't have to pay any support at all.

HaroldLloyd · 01/09/2014 12:37

It's not JUST to feed clothe and buy school bits though, is it.

I can only think your having a dig at either SAHP or those on benefits with your remarks about equal contributions.

LadySybilLikesCake · 01/09/2014 12:37

I doubt the op's asking for thousands, Daisy Confused Her income has nothing to do with the amount of maintenance he should be paying.

It also spoiled an until-then decent relationship with the ex-wife, with DH refusing to talk to her ever again. This has affected DC's sports days, birthdays, graduation day, etc. How depressing, those poor children Sad My ex refuses to speak to me because I had to take him to court after he stopped paying. It's called stonewalling. It's controlling and a way to punish the other parent, and it's a type of abuse. It's a shame the children are suffering like this.

ChiefBillyNacho · 01/09/2014 12:42

Yes, your dh has ruined things wink by refusing to speak to her again. If he was happy to pay £800 then that could have been the end of it, regardless of what the assessment was. I don't mean that it may not have been reasonable to reduce it depending on his circumstances, just that his response to her going to the CSA seems unreasonable.

I was really surprised when I had to add up the "cost" of dd for court. Maintenance (not that I got any) was nowhere near half of that, and the cost of needing to have a home with 2 bedrooms made up a large portion of that cost. But that was my particular circumstances - had I remained in the marital home those costs would have been a lot less. Everyone's situation varies so much - but for me, the CSA assessment of what he was meant to be paying meant the majority of the costs fell on my shoulders.

ICanSeeTheSun · 01/09/2014 12:43

I can believe some of the things that come out in threads like this.

£170 a month for the upbringing of a child is nothing really. you couldn't even rent a 1 bedroom flat in one of the poorest area for £170 a month.

I don't understand why a NRP would begrudge financially supporting their child.

LadySybilLikesCake · 01/09/2014 12:49

I had to work out how much I was spending on ds for the court and it was 80% of my then income. Ds has SN so I pay for a private school for him, this alone is over 1k a month.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/09/2014 12:52

I actually don't think you would get much more, would you? Based on his dependenta etc.

And that's assuming he is making more.

Plus the CSA are notorious for not enforcing payments, are they not?

I think it's definitely worth asking, and if things are amicable then is he likely to agree privately to an increase?

ArsenicyOldFace · 01/09/2014 12:58

Calculator indicates an extra £100 per month Walter. That's enought to be 'much', surely?

EarthWindFire · 01/09/2014 12:59

It enrages me that some Fathers pay so little. OP YANBU. I think all Fathers or non resident Mothers should pay half of everything. So half school trips, half uniform, half toys....plus they should give money for the upkeep of the home in which the child lives.

In that case then surely they should also share CTC and CB then too. (Which doesn't happen either)