To ask dc dad for more maintenance?

[GaryShitpeas]

Ds is 8 and his dad pays £170 a month maintenance. It's a private arrangement, we don't go through CSA or whatever it's called these days.

Here's the thing. I need more. don't know what his dad earns nowadays. But he has just bought a house for 180k and he has a mortgage on it which he said he got with he 5% deposit thing that's around now. So I would guess to get a mortgage of that size he must be on at least 30k? And I'm sure it's meant to be about 15% of salary as dh has another dd from his previous relationship who he pays that amount to her mum, and that was via CSA

But It's so awkward as we get on really well now and i don't want to risk jeopardising that and therefore possibly his relationship with ds

Wwyd? And Aibu and grabby to ask for more? I do need it btw I'm fucking broke tbh

[crazylady321]

As I found out last week when I posted Maintenance is a touchy subject on here. I havent read the whole thread so not sure if youve alrerady decided what to do so I appologise.

Im like you on very good terms with my ex and I wouldnt want to rock the boat by asking him for anything else than what I get in fact I know for a fact he wouldnt be able to afford anything else on a weekly basis, Im lucky I get by and we go halfs on things like birthday parties and school trips etc Im perfectly happy with this set up as he does have all 4 children 2 nights a week.

Could you just drop into conversation that you could do with some extra money to get whatever it is you need? And hopefully he may offer you more if knows your struggling.

I dont like the way people think just because an ex gets x amount you have to bleed them dry, obviously there are exeptions if there rich millionaires, but the average joe just trying to make ends meat find it quite bad especially if already paying recommended amount and extras but still not good enough for some people!!! sorry ignore my last paragraph, my own personal rant feeling sorry for OH

[ArsenicyOldFace]

I do know of a few people where vertically 50:50 is the case.

Earth you're confusing me. What are you picking a fight about?

I know of a few, you know a few.

I only said that many people aren't in that arrangement. Do you disagree?

[ArsenicyOldFace]

I dont like the way people think just because an ex gets x amount you have to bleed them dry, obviously there are exeptions if there rich millionaires, but the average joe just trying to make ends meat find it quite bad especially if already paying recommended amount and extras but still not good enough for some people!!!

Good point. And of course you need to know loads of stuff about any 'extras' and other household income and trustiworthiness of all parties to get the full picture. Which is why it get's so explosive.

I've been on both sides of it. It's always easier to deal with reasonable people and harder to deal with arses, I find. Luck of the draw, maybe?

But OP sounds reasonable and says she needs the full CM payable, so I'm prepared to believe she hasn't left out major info.

[EarthWindFire]

I'm certainly not picking a fight! You said you knew of very few. I know of a few (quite a few in fact)

What is wrong with that?

[ArsenicyOldFace]

I thought you were disagreeing with the centraal idea that lots of people don't have 50/50 agreements. Youre not?

[EarthWindFire]

Errr no I'm not. I just pointed out that courts are now working more towards it and I know quite a few people that have this arrangement.

[WooWooOwl]

No Woo. The space a child needs (or gets in practice) at an address where it spends 52 nights a year or less do not constitute a housing expense equal to the cost of providing the child's main home.

I get that to a certain extent, I've been known to make comments along those lines to my own ex when we've been discussing money.

But I know I'd rather send my children off for a night with their Dad to a suitable home where they are comfortable, so I can't expect my ex to pay for my housing as well as his own.

I expect the basic maintenance he pays to be able to go towards my general household pot, and I get only slightly more than the OP gets each month for two children. But I've found it works much better to get ex to pay directly for his share of things that his children need, and if that can't happen then I get him to give me the cash for his half after sending him a picture text of the school shoe receipt/school trip letter or whatever it might be. Would doing something like that help you pay for things your ds needs OP?

[miceinthemouseorgan]

Just a little bit of advice for the OP from the other side of the fence….a couple of years after DP and I started living together I got a promotion in work which gave me a big payrise. Our life got better obviously, we were able to do some home improvements, buy a new car, and go on a ‘naice’ holiday. SS’s mum got wind of this, and started accusing DP of hiding his earnings (he’s self employed), and saying that he was scamming her and not supporting SS properly. All because she could see we had a new car and had heard we had a new kitchen and bathroom. DP’s earnings hadn’t changed at all, he earns far less than me, and he still has quite a lot of debts from when he and was with her, so he pays roughly CSA amount (difficult to get exact with being self employed), sometimes this has worked out with SS’s mum getting more than she is ‘entitled’ to, sometimes a bit less, but all in all over the years it has probably all washed out in her favour, and DP does buy extras as well when he can afford it. We keep our finances completely seperate.

He offered her a small increase to keep the peace, she went to the CSA cos she thought she would get more. It took months of stress for us dealing with there queries, and eventually she was given the same as she was getting before! So all that stress for nothing, and it damaged the relationship considerably – not to the extent that someone describes above re not being in the same room etc, but things are not as good as they were.

She didn’t stop to think for one minute that perhaps it was me that had increased my income, and I asked DP not to disclose any of my financial affairs to her, as it’s none of her dam business.

If she had come at it differently like ‘I’m struggling, SS needs X, X and X, can you help out / increase payments, the outcome would have been much better for her. Effectively it would have been me that would have funded it as DPs finances are pretty stretched each month anyway, but I would have been happy with that if I felt comfortable that it was genuinely needed to feed and clothe SS etc.

So I think what I am trying to say, is don’t make any assumptions about who earns / pays for what in their household, and what you therefore believe you are entitled to. Much better as some of the others say to make it about your child, and what they cost to bring up, why you need more, as opposed to being entitled to it.

[miceinthemouseorgan]

Sorry I meant to say that advice is on the basis that you'd rather keep a good relationship with your ex, which I take from your OP that you do!

[crazylady321]

miceinthemouseorgan - completely agree with you on this. Theres always a bigger picture

[LadySybilLikesCake]

Would it not just make sense for the NRP to show the RP their P60 (is that the tax paid/income earned sheet from the Inland Revenue?) or some wage slips? I know it's a trust thing, but it works both ways and if it keeps the peace and saves the agro of the CSA then it's a pretty sensible thing to do.

My ex pleaded poverty. I saw his bank statements and P60 and had to point out that he had a second home etc, he was even claiming that charity donations (he'd donate to a child in Africa to go to school but nothing towards his own child so he could eat and get to school) were an expense . The accounts submitted also made it look as though he paid for everything for the family, even though there were 2 of them. I'm not saying all NRP's are like this mine's just an arsehole but claiming poverty when you're spending hundreds on a meal in a restaurant, going on holiday every month and paying for a second home just isn't on.