To ask dc dad for more maintenance?

[GaryShitpeas]

Ds is 8 and his dad pays £170 a month maintenance. It's a private arrangement, we don't go through CSA or whatever it's called these days.

Here's the thing. I need more. don't know what his dad earns nowadays. But he has just bought a house for 180k and he has a mortgage on it which he said he got with he 5% deposit thing that's around now. So I would guess to get a mortgage of that size he must be on at least 30k? And I'm sure it's meant to be about 15% of salary as dh has another dd from his previous relationship who he pays that amount to her mum, and that was via CSA

But It's so awkward as we get on really well now and i don't want to risk jeopardising that and therefore possibly his relationship with ds

Wwyd? And Aibu and grabby to ask for more? I do need it btw I'm fucking broke tbh

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Oh. I though he had 3 dc - OP's DS and two DSC.

Separately OP's current DH has a DD.

Is that not right?

[Siobhan3083]

Sorry my bad, end of holidays exhausted mummy eyes not reading properly ??
That means a slight underpayment then doesn't it so you have every right to ask. X

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

Is his new partner working? If she is, then her salary will have been used to calculate the mortgage as well as his, so you don't know that he's on c30k.

If he's supporting his child with you and his dd with her mother plus 2 dependent Step children, then it will be looked at as a whole.

It's not unreasonable to need more money to help support your child and they cost more than £170 a month to raise, but you really need an amicable discussion with him first as you don't know for sure his full set of circumstances and it would be shit if you ended up with less AND a dodgier relationship with him.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

4 dc/sdc including the op's. He lives with 2 sdc and these are classed as his dependents. I'm pretty sure there's a cap (CSA guidelines) though, so they stop deducting if there's more than 3 dc that he's responsible for.

[BruthasTortoise]

I think the £170 may be bang on (and possibly slightly more) than the CSA would recommend. If you are amicable and he's a decent fella and father just ask him - the worst he can say is no.

[partialderivative]

Show him some figures. Explain how say 5 years ago you could spend £50 a week on all groceries for you and child but with inflation it's now more like £70

But chose your figures carefully, the above example would represent an annual inflation rate of just under 7%, that seems a little high.

But you definitely ought to mention things like shoes and school trips.

[RonaldMcDonald]

my h pays 110 pw for his 3 children
this is what the csa recommended
he buys uniforms/ pays for holidays etc

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Because you're assuming 2 resident DSC and 2 non-resident DC (different mothers) Brutha? Is that how you worked that out?

[ArsenicyOldFace]

Gary please come back and clarify how many DC

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Unless we know the exact amount he earns it's impossible to say.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Also how many days contact.

[DaisyFlowerChain]

If he pays £170 a month and you match that plus CB and maybe CTC is it really not enough to feed and clothe a child?

Is it childcare costs that are adding too it that's taking it over that amount?

[Missunreasonable]

So if the csa amount would be £269pm would there be a deduction for any regular overnights that the non resident parent does? If he gas the child at weekends would the £269 have to be reduced to reflect that?
Does OPs ex have their DC overnight regularly?

[ArsenicyOldFace]

The £269 figure reflects one overnight a week.

I must say though, reductions for DSC still baffle me, certainly at such a high rate.

[Triooooooooooo]

But £170 plus £170 of ops contribution if worked out that way is£340 a month !! I don't think kids cost that much tbh.

Always worth asking more op, he should help with any childcare costs imo but personally think £340 a month should more than cover the costs of one child.

[kormasutra]

So glad you posted this op.
I'm in a similar situation. Ds is 11.5, we split up when he was 2.5 and for the last 9 years he's given £140 pm.
He works full time, around 25k I think and works all weekend doing a couple of different jobs which I doubt he declares.
Ds starting high school this week, travelling and lunches going to cost me around £30 per week.
He's also growing at the rate of knots.
I really don't think its enough.
He's very tight with money but has a good standard of living.
Has a new wife and no other dc.
Sorry for hijack, am really struggling too, private arrangement here.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

"But £170 plus £170 of ops contribution if worked out that way is£340 a month !! I don't think kids cost that much tbh." Sorry, but how wrong is this!

Rent for 2+ bedrooms (can't be a 1 bed flat or a house share as the child needs its own room)
Extra food
Extra electricity and gas
Toys
Furniture/Blankets/sheets etc
Clothes and shoes
Extra curricular activities
Christmas and birthday presents
Bus tickets
Books/pens for school
Childcare (often costs more than £340 a month by itself).

[kormasutra]

Just to add he stays with his dad once a week, sometimes only 3 times a month.

[LadySybilLikesCake]

That's too low, korma. 25k (after or before tax) should give you around 3.8k, so £316 a month or there about, assuming this is after tax. Private arrangements only work if both parents are fair and increase/decrease the maintenance as their circumstances change.

[HaroldLloyd]

I think feeding, clothing, heating, cleaning, and housing a child costs more than 340 a month..

[GaryShitpeas]

Sorry ladies just been sorting ds shit tip of a room haha

To clarify dcs:

Dh and I have 2 dds together, ds from my prev marriage, and dsd from dh prev marriage

Ds dad has our ds plus his 2 step dc. Ds dad only sees ds once a week, I have full custody

Complicated

Also I might add that dh also gives his dd extra money for school trips, clothes, holidays etc that's on top of his basic maintenance to her mum. We gave her driving lessons for her 17th birthday! So he's always saying ds dad should pay more.

[HaroldLloyd]

Ah just seen your more scientific post Lady S, agree with you!

[GaryShitpeas]

And thanks again so much for the posts x

[DaisyFlowerChain]

Both adults would have rent/gas and elec with or without children. Both need somewhere for the child to sleep so those costs shouldn't count. Most couples that split by their own Xmas and birthday presents so they shouldn't be funded from maintenance.

Unless under 5 and full time childcare needed, then the money should more than cover what a child costs per month. Unless the OP doesn't work and therefore contributes nothing but I am assuming she does as it would be very cheeky to ask for more money when not paying anything yourself.

[ICanSeeTheSun]

Have i got this right. His has 2 biological children and 2 step children.