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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex with DH as he smokes ?

68 replies

agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 20:33

Just that really - we both quit 4 years ago but he started again due to stress at work (he says)

I don't mind if he has just had a shower, washed hair and brushed teeth but I can still sometimes smell it on his breath and it turns my stomach. Can't even cuddle up to him on the sofa. Breath and hands ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

AIBU ?

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 31/08/2014 20:34

Just do it doggy style

EatShitDerek · 31/08/2014 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 31/08/2014 20:37

Sex as he smokes? Surely it's traditional, and only polite, to wait till afterwards.

Bowlersarm · 31/08/2014 20:38
Grin

Hmm, I'll go with the doggy style too, or spoons?

MrsDavidBowie · 31/08/2014 20:39

Horrible.

Comito · 31/08/2014 20:40

Uh, seriously? He has a shower, washes hair, brushes teeth and you say you can still smell it and it puts you off? I think you might be over-reacting a bit in the way a lot of ex-smokers do.

Yes, YABU.

puntasticusername · 31/08/2014 20:40

If one of you is smoking during sex, you need to consider slowing down and maybe using more lubricant.

Comito · 31/08/2014 20:41

Do you think you might be withholding sex as a punishment because he has started smoking again and you haven't? Just a thought.

Matildasmam22 · 31/08/2014 20:42

Gasmask. Pretend your Into that kind of thing Grin

Fairylea · 31/08/2014 20:42

One of the reasons I ended up divorcing my ex was because he started smoking again and refused to quit. It's absolutely vile in my opinion and I can smell it a mile off. There's no way I could live with someone who smoked yet alone have sex with a smoker (he smoked before I met him and had given up).

Yanbu.

He has a right to smoke but it's up to you if you can live with it..I couldn't.

Georgethesecond · 31/08/2014 20:47

Uh - so you married a smoker and now you won't have sex with him because he smokes??

HappyYoni · 31/08/2014 20:48

Yabu

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 20:52

But I smoked then so didn't notice it then we quit together and he started on his own.

GrinGrinGrin Wish he did go that hard at it he smoked

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 20:55

And I'm not jealous, I hate smoking now

OP posts:
hamptoncourt · 31/08/2014 20:57

I have to admit I stopped sleeping with XH1 because he started smoking again.

We divorced eventually of course.

I just couldn't stand it - the smell made me feel ill - YUCK YUCK YUCK!!!

I couldn't possibly snog someone who had been smoking, so YANBU.

Scarletohello · 31/08/2014 21:01

Get him an e cig..?

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 21:03

I've tried to help him to quit - bought him an e cigarette, went into the chemist to find out about free nicotine patches, bought him the Allen Carr book but he's still smoking, actually smoking RIGHT NOW (he just went outside)

I've said to him about how I don't want him breathing poisonous fumes all over our DD (2.5) he just acted hurt but his answer is always - you used to smoke so can't say anythingConfused but I don't now

OP posts:
Tallypet · 31/08/2014 21:04

YABU. You both smoked at one point in the relationship so you and he knew what you were getting in to.

Was the reason you quit due to pregnancy?

Find a compromise. Every time he smokes he washes his hands and takes a mint.

You can smell the smoke more because you're an ex smoker so it's probably annoying you even more.

My DH moans all the time about my smoking but I keep reminding him I did this when we met so it was no surprise and he can't get shitty with me about it

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 21:10

No we both quit before we even started TTC as we wanted to be free of it. He was fine and didn't even put in any weight.

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 21:12

He does wash his hands. I don't want to compromise - why should I it's not as if smoking is anything good for him ? He needs to quit especially as we are going to start TTC again after Christmas

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2014 21:13

No you're not being unreasonable. You smoked together and then you both quit. You don't smoke now and hate the smell. He's started again, which was really foolish, there are other ways of relieving stress. People who've never smoked get stressed too and have to handle it.

I suppose you'll have to decide where your marriage goes from here. I wouldn't kiss a smoker and even showers/teeth brushing doesn't get rid of the stink, it's in the skin and everytime they breathe.

Is this a dealbreaker for you? That's the question.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 31/08/2014 21:14

Oh and I used to smoke. I also convinced myself that my smell covering up was effective. I was deluding myself completely. You don't even have to have a sensitive nose, it absolutely stinks.

Nightowlagain · 31/08/2014 21:17

When we met my DH and I both smoked, we quit together 12 years ago now. If he started it again it would most probably be a deal breaker, I can't imagine living with a smoker, not least because we have a son now. It's gross and stinks, even if he brushes his teeth etc he will still smell, it comes through the pores. I feel for you op, not sure what to suggest if he won't quit.

WonkoTheSane42 · 31/08/2014 21:17

Sort of can't believe these responses.

It is never unreasonable to not want to have sex with anyone for any reason. Consent is yours to give and withdraw at any time, for any reason or none. If there is something wrong that makes you feel unable or unwilling to have sex, you need to have an open, honest and adult discussion with your partner. Not lie back and think of England, or just do it doggy style (seriously?)

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 21:18

I'm thinking of telling him but I imagine he'd just say I was over reacting and just saying it to get him to quit.

Not really a deal breaker but we can't live our lives with me disgusted by him

OP posts: