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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want sex with DH as he smokes ?

68 replies

agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 20:33

Just that really - we both quit 4 years ago but he started again due to stress at work (he says)

I don't mind if he has just had a shower, washed hair and brushed teeth but I can still sometimes smell it on his breath and it turns my stomach. Can't even cuddle up to him on the sofa. Breath and hands

AIBU ?

OP posts:

bellarations · 01/09/2014 16:58

I detest the smell of smoking, it's gross. However my dh smokes and whilst it's not a turn on, a quick freshen up and everything's good. I'm thinking there cannot be much attraction between you if the smell of smoke is tantamount to divorce or no sex.

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 18:12

I am attracted to him but as soon as we start anything I keep smelling the smoke and it puts me off. I still love and am attracted to him, it's not a deal breaker as I previously said. I just don't want to have sex with him while he smokes so am trying to get him to stop which he won't do but I've not told him how I feel about this.

OP posts:

SingingSilver · 01/09/2014 18:52

I think there's a touch of the passive-aggressives about this. He can't smell that bad after showering and brushing his teeth, and you know he's not breathing poisonous fumes over your child - unless he's actually exhaling smoke at her. Get things in proportion a bit.

(This is my opinion as a 70s child though to be fair. There are adults holding cigarettes in most of my baby pictures, and my bedroom ceiling as a child was a fetching shade of nicotine yellow - Mum didn't even smoke in my room!)

Fairylea · 01/09/2014 18:56

Even if a smoker showers and brushes their teeth and puts clean clothes on... you can still smell that they smoke. It's like their body just sweats the smell out through their skin. Horrible.

When my ex started smoking again I would change the sheets on his side of the bed and his pillow would always be yellow from where he had breathed out in his sleep whereas mine would still be bright white.

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 19:51

He does breathe toxic fumes on my child as he comes in from smoking and

OP posts:

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 19:51

Sits right beside her and you breathe out toxic fumes for hours after smoking I have told him but he thinks I'm making it up

OP posts:

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 01/09/2014 19:53

Stbx was annoyed because I told him that kissing someone that smokes is like licking the bottom of an ashtray. urgh...

minifingers · 01/09/2014 20:03

YANBU

But for me revulsion at the smell would be secondary to feelings of betrayal and worry that my partner would happily continue with a dangerous drug habit that could very well leave me a widow in my 50's and result in our children witnessing him die a long and painful death. :-(

minifingers · 01/09/2014 20:05

By the way, the children of smokers are much more likely to suffer from glue ear, even if their parents only smoke outdoors.

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 21:59

Just tried to talk to him and he got defensive saying to me that I'm not helping, he isn't stupid and he wants to quit

OP posts:

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 01/09/2014 22:07

OK so maybe not a dealbreaker if he is you are both happy to forgo sex. You do need to let him know how you feel and discuss your options. Not to have sex when you don't want it - for whatever reason - is not bullying or passive aggressive, it's respecting yourself and your wellbeing. Having sex you don't want makes you feel shit because it is shit.

If he agrees to quit I think you need to postpone TTC for a good while. You need to allow time for your DH to quit properly and permanently and for you both to be happy and close and settled again. I'd allow at least a year.

Relapsing is not a betrayal it's a weakness and shaming smokers doesn't help them quit. If it did there'd be no smokers left. It just makes them feel a bit rubbish about themselves and so they reach for the fags again (with a lurid picture of a ghastly disease on them). What works is compassion and reminding quitters of their successes (e.g. 'how many didn't you smoke' - even if they've slipped and had a couple), this helps people feel confident that they can succeed, even if they're not quite there yet. This is the approach we use with people who are trying to gain control of their eating - why's it so different for smokers?

PlentyOfPubeGardens · 01/09/2014 22:14

xpost - so therefore you have to have sex with him even though it is unpleasant for you?

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 22:15

We are not TTC until next year anyway.

I didn't even mention that it's putting me off sex and that's how he reacted

OP posts:

Original poster

agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 22:15

No he would never say that ! I didn't mention the sex

OP posts:

Patsyandeddie · 01/09/2014 22:31

I think you need to chill a bit, it's not mustard gas! A couple of decades ago it would have been considered erotic!

EarthWindFire · 01/09/2014 22:46

Divorce him. Death to all smokers.

Seriously! How nasty and spiteful can you be!

minifingers · 02/09/2014 09:55

"I think you need to chill a bit, it's not mustard gas!"

It's more addictive than heroin, and kills a higher percentage of its users than heroin does.

Smoking is truly, truly shit. The biggest help to me in giving up after 12 years of smoking was to face the reality of what I was doing to myself. I think minimising and fudging is the worst thing you can do if you want someone to stop smoking.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 02/09/2014 10:44

Eurghh, smokers have no clue how much they reek ,I don't blame you OP!

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