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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want sex with DH as he smokes ?

68 replies

agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 20:33

Just that really - we both quit 4 years ago but he started again due to stress at work (he says)

I don't mind if he has just had a shower, washed hair and brushed teeth but I can still sometimes smell it on his breath and it turns my stomach. Can't even cuddle up to him on the sofa. Breath and hands ConfusedConfusedConfusedConfused

AIBU ?

OP posts:
todayisnottheday · 31/08/2014 21:25

I'm sorry but yabu. Understandably but u even so. You both smoked, you knew he smoked and you knew when you gave up one or both of you might not manage it.

I don't mean put up and shut up or anything along those lines of course because no one has to put up with something they find abhorrent but you can't insist that he quit. If you can't possibly live with it then you need to leave. I know that sounds extreme but it's the reality really.

In fairness to him though i think you need to let him know that things are that desperate and you find it that repulsive. I gave up for a year and the smell disguisted me from day 1 almost, really caused physical responses. I did start again but I still feel like that about heavy/indoor smokers so I can relate to your point.

StevesBollockAnalogy · 31/08/2014 22:10

No amount of showers, mouthwashes, hand washing gets rid of the smell of smoke. There is something that's almost hot and smothering even kissing a relatively minty fresh smoker, it seeps out in their breath and pores. It is vile. For me anyway. For those of you who think the OP is being unreasonable, I would you feel differently if he smelt of shit? Would she still be unreasonable, because she used to eat shit too, she should put up him eating and smelling of shit? For me it's that unhealthy and that repulsive, especially for someone who has quit and wants to stay away from that smell.
YANBU by a long shot.

Icimoi · 31/08/2014 22:17

Of course YANBU. If he chooses to take up a totally unnecessary habit that he knows will make him smell, he's not entitled to think he can impose it on you. He's given up before, he can do it again. Millions of people cope with stress without smoking.

HappyAgainOneDay · 31/08/2014 22:21

Sorry but what's doggy style?

I had the same problem. My Ex smoked and I couldn't stand it so he gave up. The same was with my dear late husband. Why do they smoke if it puts you off?

RonaldMcDonald · 31/08/2014 22:21

Yanbu

If you can't accept that he has slipped in his addiction and the smell turns your stomach then of course don't sleep with him
What will you do if he continues to smoke?
Divorce?

WeAllHaveWings · 31/08/2014 22:22

Ever since i was pregnant (10 years ago!) the smell of cigarette smoke make me feel really nauseous. I couldn't live with a smoker now.

I know that sounds like an overreacting ex-smoker, but it genuinely makes me feel lousy, if I walk out a pub door with smokers around the smell there and then on my hair/clothes makes me feel queasy for hours and ruins my night out. It not that i just don't like the smell anymore it really affects me for some reason. I couldn't face that every day at home.

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 22:31

I'm hoping he'll quit before it comes to that.

I still love him as much as ever but just can't bear him touching me with those smelly hands and breathing over me. I jokingly said to him "if you quit I'd definitely kiss you more" and he just laughed.

OP posts:
WineWineWine · 31/08/2014 22:35

I think you might be over-reacting a bit in the way a lot of ex-smokers do.
But you are missing the point that smokers stink. There's really no escaping that. I have never smoked. I hate it.

OP you have to talk to your DH and explain that it is really turning you off.

ThatSmellsLikePoo · 31/08/2014 22:39

Cripes. Am I the only ex smoker who still LOVES the smell of smoke? I follow people in the street like some kind of weirdo!
Anyway OP sorry but YAbeingabitU - but I don't know what the answer is for you. E cigs are your friend I guess.

Fairylea · 31/08/2014 22:40

I found the comment about non smokers overreacting odd too. In my experience (mum dad and gran all chain smokers and lots of smoker friends too) smokers are very often in denial about how much it stinks. They think non smokers are just being daft when you say you can smell it a mile off. But you really, really can.

My mum stopped smoking 40 a day with the help of champix from the gp after smoking for 45 years. She was amazed she could give up as she'd tried everything. She now knows exactly what I meant when I said I could smell it on someone - she can too now she's not smoked for 6 years but she always thought I was being silly before.

It absolutely stinks. I don't care about the health issues - if people want to smoke that's up to them, I eat enough fat and butter to probably kill myself in a similar fashion but I don't want to be anywhere near someone that smokes because it smells awful.

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 31/08/2014 22:42

He said the e cig wasn't the same.

But if he keeps refusing to quit or saying he will just not now which is what he has been saying what can I do ? The sex thing might get through to him, he loves having sex Grin

OP posts:
RubyGoat · 31/08/2014 22:48

If he wants to smoke, that's his choice. BUT it was your choice as a couple to stop, but only you have continued without cigarettes, while he has relapsed. It's your choice not to smoke. (Well done for quitting, BTW!) Your DC doesn't have a choice - and just because your DH goes out to smoke, doesn't mean the chemicals don't affect your DC, some of them will be on your DH's clothes etc.

Personally I could never be with a smoker. I can't stand the smell & never could, it makes my asthma play up horribly as well.

kslatts · 31/08/2014 22:51

Did he smoke when you married him? if so YABVU.

AlpacaMyBags · 31/08/2014 23:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CrayolaCocaColaRocknRolla · 01/09/2014 12:57

both me and DP smoke. I can't smell it on our family members who smoke, but when I have been sat at work and someone comes in with yellowing hands (which none of our family members have) and brown teeth, again, which none of us have, i can smell it. its like they have wet docked cigarettes in their pockets and it makes me gip. It DOES stink. If I stopped I would never, ever say to DP "I don't want sex with you because you smoke" thats very U to have as an excuse. Thats my opinion anyway.
"no because I'm tired and I need to get up early"
"No because I have a belly ache/other ailment"
yeah sure, but I find it a bit hurtful saying "no because your habits disgust me"

CKDexterHaven · 01/09/2014 13:36

I too can't believe some of the responses on here. Nobody should be expected to have sex with someone who 'makes their stomach turn'. Women are entitled to enjoy sex too and shouldn't be obliged to endure unpleasant sexual experiences out of a sense of marital duty.

Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 14:08

Yabu imo

OTheHugeManatee · 01/09/2014 14:16

YANBU. DH and I both quit and he occasionally has a 'social' cigarette when he's out. If he does I let him know his breath stinks and send him to the spare room to snore on his own. I wouldn't have a problem letting him know the smell of his breath was unpleasant.

This is about choices and consequences. OP, you can't force him to quit but I think it's totally fair to tell him that while he is free to choose to smoke, you are free to choose not to have sex with him as things stand as you find the smell disgusting.

rainbowinmyroom · 01/09/2014 14:20

Divorce him. Death to all smokers.

StevesBollockAnalogy · 01/09/2014 14:23

YY to CKDexter, you've hit the nail on the head Smile I missed the point completely until you put it so clearly!

Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 15:06

The reason I haven't said to him is that I don't want to hurt his feelings but he knows something's up, going to just say the smell of smoke turns me off, not say "your breath and hands stink I can't bear you breathing on me so that's why I've been avoiding sex

OP posts:
Original poster
agirlcalledsandoz · 01/09/2014 15:06

Thank you CKDexterhaven

OP posts:
PlentyOfPubeGardens · 01/09/2014 16:27

What CKDexter said. You shouldn't feel pressurised into having any sex you don't want - ever. Be honest with your DH about why. Maybe it'll be the incentive he needs to make another serious quit attempt. If not, it sounds like it might be a dealbreaker.

rainbowinmyroom what a nasty shitty post! Even if you don't care about smokers (and sadly you'll gain your wish for at least 50% of them) spare a thought for all those who have lost a loved one to smoking. Statistically there are likely to be quite a few on MN in that situation.

Bulbasaur · 01/09/2014 16:39

I've never smoked, always hated the smell. DH used to smoke, told him if he ever started it up again, it'd be divorce.

But he's the same way. Our deal breakers that we've made clear are:

  • Drugs
  • Smoking
  • Cheating

It's ok to have a list of non-negotiables.

It's also ok to not want to have sex with someone. If you're not in the mood, you're not in the mood. It's something between two enthusiastically consenting people, not a wifely duty.

morethanpotatoprints · 01/09/2014 16:52

How can you ttc when you won't have sex with him?
Also, if you bully him into stopping he may become more determined to continue.
If it is a deal breaker for you maybe it would be a good idea putting off ttc until you know he will give up and you will both stay together.

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