This is really eating me up so I need to hear it straight from MNers. Bust up with friend and I just want to know if it was my fault or not (either way, things won't change but I want to know if I was an arse). Sorry this is long but I want to give all the details so the picture is accurate.
Long story short, colleague/friend has massive fertility problems, been having IVF for years. Not going well. A few months ago she finally got pregnant through egg donation. A few weeks earlier I had conceived my second child (naturally, super fast conception just like my first, no real stage of "trying" or planning).
I knew all the details of what was happening at every stage of her TTC. I asked her a lot about it (was trying to be supportive, but I realise now maybe I was being a bit intrusive too, which I massively regret, partly as I was curious about all the miraculous procedures).
My dilemma was, should I tell her I was pregnant? And if so, when exactly? She had said loads of times how hard it is for her to hear about friends' pregnancies, how she dreaded someone in our office getting pregnant, how she'd fallen out with so many friends who were insensitive, etc. At the time I started TTC (and immediatley did conceive) I knew she was about to have a shot at egg donation, and this was really make-or-break time for them. I didn't know what to do. I really wanted to do the right thing by her. The egg donation procedure looked very hopeful, so, I concluded the best thing was not to tell her until she had some good news going.
The process went well, she got pregnant after three years of trying everything. At that point I nearly told her my news too, so we could share our pregnancies together. But something told me to wait until we'd both got a bit further along. I was terrified I'd tell her "guess what, I'm pregnant!" and she'd miscarry the next day. So I kept quiet. And fate being what it is, she miscarried at 8 weeks. I couldn't believe how unfair life was being for her, it was awful. I honestly felt like, if someone had given me a choice, I would have had the miscarriage for her at that point and given up my own baby (knowing how easy it would be for me to conceive again, compared to her troubles). Obviously, at this point I didn't tell her I was pregnant.
Immediately after that we were both on leave for various periods of time so I didn't see her again until last week, when we had been apart for about a month. As I'm starting to show now, I knew I had to tell her. I emailed her at the weekend to tell her I was pregnant, that I knew that kind of news was hard for her, and that I really hoped things would work out for her and her husband v. soon.
Her reaction (to the email, and later in person) was that she wasn't upset I was pregnant but that she was furious I hadn't told her before. She said even if she was still pregnant now she would have been furious. She said various things which were v upsetting, all along the lines of I was two-faced, intrusive, a liar, etc.
I was gutted. I didn't respond, except to tell her I was sorry I had upset her so badly and it was the last thing I had wanted to do. I feel like total shit now and it's so uncomfortable at work. She made it clear that our friendship is basically over and I am scum.
I know there is no going back from this point, but I just want to know if this really was my fault. I am devastated that I upset her so much but I kind of think that whatever I had done, whenever I had told her, I would have made her mad.
For what it's worth, we have only recently told anyone about the pregnancy - she was one of the first to know - it wasn't that I had told everyone else and was keeping her in the dark. But I know she feels betrayed because I knew all the details of what was going on with her and she feels like I didn't pay it back, I guess. I just thought that in this situation, a good friend would shut up about their own issues and let all the attention be on her - the happiness excitement for HER pregnancy (at last!) rather than taking attention for myself. I felt like news of my pregnancy would be a distraction for her at such a crucial time.
Was I being unreasonable? Seriously, please tell me if I was. Also, should I try again why I did what I did? I have resisted the urge to send a long email going through all this (I don't think she'll let me have a converation about it) because I feel like whatever I say will just make things worse. But it is going to be awful having this hanging over us for the rest of our working lives.