To wonder if actually there IS a paedophile round every corner?

[CundtBake]

I know it's fashion on here to not really worry about this kind of thing, and pretty much act like it doesn't exist, but given the sheer volume of stuff in the press at the moment, AIBU to wonder if we should all be more worried in general?

Two people in my family (now dead) were heavily suspected paedophiles. I was abused as a child (not by them) and a LOT of people I know also suffered abuse as a child. And that's just the ones who have shared with me.

AIBU to think it is a lot more common than we might like to think?

That is the video. Very good points, I thought.

Rotherham is an extreme example ir am I naive?

You are naive.

It's terrifying.

Unless there's a police investigation, how would you know if someone who does this is living on your street?

My mum always suspected my grandad (dad's dad) was a paedophile. She was vigilant in making sure nothing ever happened to me or my siblings. I don't feel that I missed out on a relationship with my grandad, I'm grateful to my mum for protecting me.

From personal and friends' experience I would say YANBU. Most but not all stories at the lower levels so to speak, but I don't know anyone who didn't have some kind of encounter, including males.

When I was a child it was perfectly legal for adults to assault children, physical punishment in schools was only banned when I started high school. Thankfully child protection has come a long way since then but still has a long way to go imo.
We need much harsher punishments for those who commit sexual crimes, current sentences are laughable, there's no deterrent. Rob a bank-20 years in prison. Rape a child- you'll be out in 3.
I have seen people on here accused of ruining their dc's childhoods by not allowing sleepovers. I am constantly harassed by family members who seem obsessed with sleepovers to have ds stay over. He's 5 ffs.
If you're interested the figures for known sex offenders in your area are available online, of course that's just those convicted.
Mumsnet can be a funny old place at times, when the Saville story was just a rumour someone started a thread about it, I posted that he had tried to assault a friend of mine and was met with a barrage of 'liar'. It's amazing how many people bury their heads in the sand over this issue.
I'm glad to see an honest open discussion on this subject for once.

blackwings someone called me a bitch on here because I said that Jimmy Savile was a pervert when he died.
I still think a lot of people would 't care about Savile's crimes if his victims hadn't included sick children in hospital. A lot of people just gloss over sex with young (under 16) teenage girls.

Blackwings - yes. It seems whenever Saville et al are discussed on MN, a contingent of posters will come on with "innocent until proven guilty" type comments. I've seen people in denial about Saville's crimes even now, in light of the Inquiry. I've heard people talk about Savile as though he was just a dirty old man, who put his hand up a few teenage girl's skirts. Rather than a dangerously abusive rapist/child sex offender.

If you try to discuss 'men' being paedophiles, or rapists, you're often berated that "not all me are like that" (which of course they are not) - but around 99% sexual offence convictions are against men.

Combine that with people's (understandable) willingness to bury their heads in the sand, and it makes it easier for these things to be brushed under the carpet.

Sabrina, that's just convictions though. We are becoming aware that a significant number of women are paedophiles also. Obviously it's common knowledge that women are perfectly capable of colluding with or simply enabling by turning a blind eye to paedophiles. How many more act alone?

I think society turns a blind eye to paedophiles, fatlazy. I think the vast majority of sexual predators are men, and that is confirmed by all available stats.

it's not that I think they are around every corner but I think the fact you never know who you can trust hi what makes the situation scarier.

I tend not to dwell on it but I also am aware that these people seek out opportunities to gain access to children. I feel as a single parent i could potentially be a target for this. unfortunately a lot of single parents just want to be with someone and ignore red flags and of course usually those seeking to abuse children are good at hiding their behaviour. over the years on single parent forums I have come across threads of women complaining social services are involved as they let their partner of three months bathe alone with their small child sleep in a bed with them has seen the partner naked and most awfully when a child accuses a new partner of abuse and the parents automatic response is it can't be true. some people just don't want to believe it and that is so sad for the children involved.

I haven't ever introduced my dd to someone I have dated so I don't worry so much about that but I do try to be aware.

I don't limit her activities. she takes part in football and has wonderful coaches both men and women but they have very strict rules to protect everyone.

I haven't gone into details with my dd about abuse but we do have the body parts are private talk and I'm always telling her there are no secrets between mommy's and their babies and anyone who ever tells you different is wrong no matter who they are. family members can't even buy me a birthday card without her telling me.

a good one to run through with your child is what would they do if someone asked them to help find their puppy. I saw an experiment done on this i think last year and most children went to look with the stranger. all of their parents were adamant the their child would say no. I actually know a girl who fell for this when she was 12 it was only the luck of God that someone disturbed him while he was trying to rape her and he ran off.

also include women in that as most children would tend to trust a woman more so than a man. I have told my dd to just shout for me and say my mommy will help and that no nice adult would ask a child for help they would ask another adult.

Sabrina, I'm sorry, but stats don't tell you everything.

A lot of people just gloss over sex with young (under 16) teenage girls.

Radio 4 is having a John Peel 75th Anniversary Special. John Peel's first wife was 15 when they married.

How old was Mandy Smith when she was 'dating' a stone?

Which names were in Claire McAlpine's diary?

We have just had an age appropriate NSPCC PANTs type chat with DD aged 8 as she is going on her first away from home weekend. Its so hard! We tried to keep it light but ended up with DD1 sobbing saying she didn't want to go. Help! How have other people handled this?

This kind of paranoid thinking borders on hysteria. You could terrify yourself by obsessing about any number of horrors, but they still remain highly unlikely to affect your child.

The nature of the conversation is so couched in myth and irrationality, it seems almost impossible for some people to think about the subject sensibly.

Yes, we know that 90% of abusers are likely to be close to the family (www.childsafeeducation.com/statistics.html), but how about the fact that 20% of all offences against boys and 5% against girls are committed by women (news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/magazine/8022861.stm)?

Will that make you treat your nanny with suspicion? Your MIL? Your friends?

Innocent until proved guilty has obviously no application when the man concerned is dead: but when he is alive it is essential.

mommy2ash If you date someone and it becomes serious at some stage he will be bound to meet your DD. If he is a decent non-predator he will avoid getting too close physically - but depending on her age he may shake hands with her as he would with an adult, and that is a good approach - and take very great care not to be left alone with her more than he can help. Of course if there's just the three of you in the house and you go to the kitchen or the loo he can't help it! But he will never to ask to be left alone with her.

Sleepovers are a problem whether there are two parents or one, DD or DS. With DS we never allowed it until we had both met the DPs concerned, and we never hosted one unless they had met us. One fine day she will want to do one!

I'm not sure what your point is, fatlazy. Are you meaning to suggest that women are responsible for around half of all sexual crimes, but just not prosecuted? If so, then I'm afraid I don't agree.

My recent experience of DDs friend's mothers new partner has proved that however careful you are, you just don't know what someone's intentions truly are. In this case, the mother is an intelligent, street wise woman who did everything right. She is devastated - he is the only man she was introduced to her DC since her marriage broke up 3 yrs ago. She'd been seeing him 6 months before he met the DC. He started staying overnight at hers 3 months later. Now it's emerged he has been trying to groom her DD and one of her DDs friends for the last 6 weeks at least.

I am like a couple of other posters on here who was very lucky not to be the victim of actual childhood sexual abuse, and my parents had a wide circle of friends and a big extended family, so I was frequently left alone with other adult males. I guess this left me with the default position that
most men are good and oaedophilia is rare, which may be naive.

However i feel I was probably exploited by older men I chose to spend time with in my teens in a similar way to the Rotherham cases. That is the part of dd's growing up that I am most worried about, when she will be increasingly independent but of course am still vigilant with her safety as a toddler. In the field I work in I have come to realise how common childhood sexual abuse is and how lucky I was to have the childhood I had around adults who turned out to be genuinely trustworthy.

Even in the 90s there was a worrying attitude that once a girl was through puberty she was fair game. I hope that attitude is changing now and that it is deemed unacceptable for adult men to have sexual relationships with young teens. However I believe that girls now are more at risk of exploitation by boys of their own age as they are becoming increasingly less naive and more predatory with porn culture the way that it is.

I'm in a safeguarding role. I would say that people generally have no idea how many seemingly lovely people are on a sex offenders register. More than you can ever imagine

Same stone. But my aunt was abused as a child by a friend of her fathers and my father was on a train. I remember the sneering about paedophile hysteria (brass eye etc) I also took that view - it's very unlikely don't be paranoid etc. but with recent revelations am now wondering if the cautious brigade were right all along

I think the other thing that has changed over the past months for me, and perhaps others is my perception of what happens when someone is accused of carrying out indecent acts or grooming children.

Up until very recently I would have said that I would imagine that the police would investigate it thoroughly and arrest the perpetrator if there was enough evidence who would then be brought to trial and receive an appropriate sentence.

Like others I'm horrified by the lenient sentences that seem to be handed out for these vile acts, and then the Rotherham case and the Jimmy Saville one has highlighted that when allegations are made children are not necessarily believed - either because they are troublesome i.e. vulnerable and therefore their testimony is not believed, or because it would be hard to put a case together, or for other more sinister reasons.

Yes the stats show that it's usually someone close to home that is carrying out these acts, but that doesn't mean that we shouldn't be mindful of our DCs in situations where we feel there would be the opportunity for something to take place, nor does that mean that we shouldn't teach them how to safeguard themselves as much as they can.

Having said all that, nothing has changed over time, things are not worse than the good old days but people are more fearful.

I don't think you should stop kids having sleepovers and some freedom over random fears, however I feel gut instinct must never be ignored

One thing I know from my own experience, is that if you are an already groomed/abused child, and especially if you are obviously unprotected by the adults around you, then its almost like blood to a shark.

In my case, they obviously sensed it in me, because I had many inappropriate encounters/attempts with various random adults (many through our 'church') and family members, although only two completed.

Now that I'm an adult, all the 'dirty old men' have faded back into invisibility for me. But I will never forget how many revealed themselves when I was young, from area to area, even country to country. I do believe there is "one on every corner".

However, I also agree with the thought that not all these men behave the way they do because of true sexual attraction, but because it is a power kick. They can get away with it, and you can't stop them, and they get off on that perhaps more than (or despite) the fact that you are a child.

Can I remind people that although its good to remind children to say no to anything they feel uncomfortable with or tell an adult, many of the children will at the time highly value the abuser (having been groomed) and feel special, wanted and attended to- not at all uncomfortable or coerced. So maybe also remind them to be suspicious of getting lots of gifts/invites/free things, and remind them that if they tell you they have broken a rule (say smoked a cigarette, lied) that you will still listen and care and believe them.