To wonder if actually there IS a paedophile round every corner?

[CundtBake]

I know it's fashion on here to not really worry about this kind of thing, and pretty much act like it doesn't exist, but given the sheer volume of stuff in the press at the moment, AIBU to wonder if we should all be more worried in general?

Two people in my family (now dead) were heavily suspected paedophiles. I was abused as a child (not by them) and a LOT of people I know also suffered abuse as a child. And that's just the ones who have shared with me.

AIBU to think it is a lot more common than we might like to think?

This not forcing children to hug relatives if they don't want to I agree with whole heartedly but merely mentioning it to DH has started a row.

He has a very elderly grandfather who is in the moderate stages of dementia, smells, shouts (is deaf) and is generally very intimidating and unwelcoming to young children. My 9 year old expresses they don't want to hug them each time we see them, he forces them to almost leaving DC in tears. Other times he insists on a cuddle when DC doesn't want one, screams of protest go up from DC and he gets angry and walks off in a huff.

When I mentioned the NSPCC pants thing to him he called it 'ridiculous' and 'stupid' as children 'must' hug adult relatives to say goodbye and show they love them, I disagreed. He's stropped off.

I should add I have no definite proof about this man.

I have experience of lover level abuse as a child. I come from a loving family and was actually a confident child.

1. An uncle who kept trying to look into my knickers if he ever caught me on my own.
2. A old neighbour who actually grabbed me and tried to snog me when I was 15
3. My boss when I was a 14 year old waitress who kept stroking and patting my bottom.

Thats 3 different men. When I have chatted to friends, nearly all have similar experience.

In my mind, my children (as infact all children) are indeed at risk and are more likely to experience this than not.

I have worked with women who have suffered from sexual abuse as children. Their histories have made me very mistrusting. I now cant help it but I know I might have a flaming for it here - I silently in my head question every man I see that is in a trusting position working with children. Ive heard too many personal stories.

So, yes, there is much more child abuse that we think. Infact, I would go as far as to say that we probably all know someone with paedophile tendencies.

When I was 14, my best friend who was 13, told me she was in a sexual relationship with her mother's boyfriend who was 35.

I didn't believe her at first but I was soon proven otherwise as they were constantly 'affectionate' with each other in my presence. Quite often they'd go upstairs together whilst I was downstairs watching her younger siblings.

The whole thing got very messy.

It's strange because at the time I knew it was wrong but I only thought that because it was her mother's boyfriend, the horror of the age gap didn't seem to be the problem, it didn't even occur to me that he was a paedophile - probably because it was all so consensual.

That was 15 years ago now and it sickens he to think about what a monster he was and that I was part of his behaviour.

They are everywhere. But we should always remember to be more careful with the ones we 'trust'. Most children are abused by their father/step father/school teacher, etc.

I don't trust anyone.

A relative of mine stays in the arse end of nowhere. To get to the house you have to drive 3 miles off the beaten track. Beyond the house by a few hundred yards there is a small cottage. A convicted paedophile lives there. Up until his conviction he used to organise camps in his garden. He was a teacher and his teenage (female) pupils would be dropped off during weekends/hols with their tents to camp out in his garden.

I stay in a built up area in the centre of town, I don't know of any paedos round about us.

beyond

I don't think I expressed myself very well. I understand some people's sexuality becomes so warped it attaches itself to children so they feel sexually attracted to them, but children themselves are not sexual.
That is all I meant.

I think statically from memory, most children are abused by men, most children are abused by people they know, birth parents are less likely to abuse children than step parents / non birth parents. Followed by relatives and then neighbours, teachers etc....

Yes, very important not to force our children to be such good little children that they will obey any adult, as well the need to listen to them.

I left my 4-year-old dd in the care of my DM for half an hour and when I came back my dd claimed that my DM had virtually beaten her up. I knew it wasn't true, because my DM did not believe in hitting children though she had hit me twice as a child under extreme duress and it hadn't hurt. But managed to stop myself on time before I said this, as that would have meant she wouldn't tell me in the future if something really did happen with an adult.

Very interesting point, you made LCD, about convicted paedophiles not just being people who are sexually attracted to children. That certainly strikes a chord with all the news about powerful people belonging to paedophile rings, otherwise it doesn't make sense unless we believe this particular sexual perversion is intrinsic to people's ability to rise the top of their profession.

Anyway, even if a person is attracted to children, that is no excuse for acting on it.

I know it's fashion on here to not really worry about this kind of thing, and pretty much act like it doesn't exist from OP..um..that isn't the case at all, fwiw. By that you poss mean MN posters often take a measured view of things like this. (but obv massively unmeasured for other topics...).

my friends husband was one and he used to offer to look after my dd for me i always turned him down he was what we call a hair raiser (someone who makes you feel uncomfortable but you have no idea why?) 7 years down the line he is a convicted phedophile the awful thing is he used his dd to gain access to other children the worst thing is he can still have unsupervised access to his children (despite them saying they don't want to know) he has also been caught with a young girl in his car and in his flat they suspended the sentence for both of those violations he had a suspended sentence for the actual crime so thats three suspended sentences he has now he is supposed to tell the police if he gets a car he didn't do that either

british justice at its finest i suppose but the other part of me wants to know exactly what we should DO with him send him to an island with no access to kids or internet? shove them all out on a boat and just keep sailing till the end of their sentence wtf do you do with a phedophile?

The convicted paedophile I knew was not attracted to children. He was into extreme sadism and power. It started with women, and then progressed to children. Very, very young children and babies. Think Ian Watkins.

I think I am naturally inclined to think we can get a bit too precious about our kids safety and professionally get a bit frustrated about risk assessments and CRBs etc.. However the recent events around Saville and Rolf and then thinking about my own childhood has actually been disturbing me recently. I was sexually assaulted by a neighbour. My brother's football team was run by a bunch of paedophiles who were prosecuted and jailed. The headteacher of the primary school I attended was prosecuted for sexual abuse of children. I was also often aware of general creepy ness of men around me even as a small child. My teacher's husband wanting to set up a photo session with me after I'd been in a school show. A friend of my parent's wanting to spend time with me alone on a holiday - playing board games and watching me play piano. Nothing happened either time but I just remember feeling uncomfortable around these men. FWIW I come from a normal family - lived in nice areas - professional parents etc.. There are many men around who would abuse and exploit children given half a chance.

what do we do with paedophiles.

Interesting question in these times, after Savile, Rotheram and so on.

How much do we value our children, what are their lives worth?

I think we should protect our children and make crimes against them the worst people can commit and to be afraid of committing them. I also think we need the law to be ASAP to include turning a blind eye to be a crime.

firstchoice the story about the Deputy Head made me . I took DD out of dance. The teacher used to say, "gentle hands" and grab DD's hands away from things. "Please don't touch her without permission" I hissed though gritted teeth. She didn't listen.

I teach DD that if we approach a strange dog we ask the owner's permission, then the dog's permission to touch. But we don't afford our children the same respect. People need to ask me, and ask DD if it's OK to touch her. Fortunately DD frequently shouts, "Don touch me" very loudly if strangers try. I don't 'correct' her.

Oddly, sometimes seemingly 'scary' people get a very different response. I know a lot of street homeless people through work and DD is perfectly happy to high five or shake hands with them. I wonder if it is because they are marginalised and therefore tend to ask and be very cautious and check with me so she knows they aren't going to grab without warning.

There are many different kinds of abusers, we should remember. From the man with LDs who was sexually abused as a child and who has skewed norms to the sadistic sociopath who wants to cause pain. There is no one, easy type to help us know.

God. It's fucking terrifying.

I don't know if anyone watched Black Mirror a few years back. One of the episodes featured in the future, where everyone had this recording device implanted in their neck. It basically captured every single second of a person's day and it could be watched back on a screen (if you were watching someone else's memories) or inside your own head (if they were your memories).

Part of me wishes we had that, especially for our babies. That way we could see everything they did and everything other people did with them.

I think as other have said that it in part boils down to predation, I guess some have stronger predatory urges than others, or in some people the urge for compassion and empathy is stronger.
Just speculating, I really dont know, these are questions about that nature of human nature, whether there even is a human nature, which have been the subject of speculation for centuries.

I worked in forensic MH for years. I worked with abusers and the abused (sometimes they were both).

I don't think everyone is a potential child abuser but I increasingly felt and still feel that it is less of an abberation than we've previously considered it to be.

That is deeply discomforting and disturbing because it raises so many questions about our society.

And it also raises the question that while trying to stop our children from being abused, we also need to be thinking about how to stop them growing up to be abusers.

And it also raises the question that while trying to stop our children from being abused, we also need to be thinking about how to stop them growing up to be abusers

Excellent point MrsB. BTW what is forensic MH?

That is deeply discomforting and disturbing because it raises so many questions about our society

Humans are humans we are all capable of savagery, anyone who says they are not is naive.

Living in a suburban street, doing normal things you may not have to show or become savage.

Put any normal person in stressing and troubling situations and we have seen time and time again the horrors people can commit.

I just think we need to wake up and say:" we cannot protect our children, we need to change laws, and look at the problem in a totally new way, because we have failed in the past and we are failing now".

We need to protect our children.

Beyond : Forensic mental health. Criminal offenders who also have mental health issues. I worked in the community, in secure mental health units and prisons.

I agree with you about what humans are capable of and this is why this issue is so complex and disturbing. It's not the 'weirdo' down the road (though it might be!). It's not just freaks of nature or sadists. It's not just a Religious group or people from a particular background.

It's our TV and music entertainers, our MPs, our Priests, our youth leaders. And with that, it's also our brothers and sisters, our lovers, our children.

Anyone can see a child abuser on every corner. Most people can't see it in the people we love and they're there.

MrsTP, I love your post. Was the video?

How to Talk To Kids makes the same points :)

Some people seem to be conflating pedophilia with sexual abuse.

Rotherham abuse wasn't pedophilia.

I do think it's more prevalent than people think. A lot of people aren't caught and the higher ups have money to cover their tracks.

I always think that people are being paranoid when they worry about paedophile a everywhere, but thinking about it, it's probably true.

In two separate streets where we lived two men were convicted. In one street a man was abusing his own young children. In the other street, a man abused nearly all of the children living there and it really scares me now to think how narrowly me and my brother escaped it. He got his son (probably around 10 years old) to start a kids club and if you joined you got to hang out in their house, but all the children that went were abused. We refused to join because we were told we had to say lots of swear words to get in and we didn't want to. I assume he got children to do something 'naughty' to join so that there was another reason they'd be scared to tell their parents. I remember lots of children getting packs from court when he was caught, and feeling left out until my parents tried to explain it. Really terrifying that this can happen.

There is one around the corner to me, or at least there was, not sure if he is still alive as 18 months ago he became virtually housebound, so could have actually died now. And there was one around the corner when I was a child, so on that maybe but I really do not think there is. The one around the corner to me now made the tabloid papers at the time apparently, his picture etc.

Enough abuse, it's a website google it, I can't link. It will tell you all you need to know.