To wonder if actually there IS a paedophile round every corner?

[CundtBake]

I know it's fashion on here to not really worry about this kind of thing, and pretty much act like it doesn't exist, but given the sheer volume of stuff in the press at the moment, AIBU to wonder if we should all be more worried in general?

Two people in my family (now dead) were heavily suspected paedophiles. I was abused as a child (not by them) and a LOT of people I know also suffered abuse as a child. And that's just the ones who have shared with me.

AIBU to think it is a lot more common than we might like to think?

My DS is only 2 so doesn't have sleepovers or unsupervised play dates etc yet but I'm actually dreading it.

I'd rather be too vigilant than not enough but I don't want to ruin his childhood.

What the fuck can be done about it?

This is MN. Men are never pedophiles. It's sexist and hysterical to worry about a man playing with your children.

Just keep communication open with your children so they know they can always talk to you.

Unfortunately the people that abuse your children are going to be ones that both you and them trust. You can't go around never trusting anyone, but it doesn't hurt to use a pinch of caution either and tell your children it is ok to walk out and not listen to an adult if they feel uncomfortable for any reason.

We were discussing tonight a case at a local primary school here (in Brussels) where a teacher was sacked for sexual abuse of children, followed by half the rest of the staff who were apparently aware of what had been happening and did nothing. I was

How do you watch for it, though? From what I have read on these threads, abusers tend to be both secretive and smart; so aside from vigilance and educating your child (NSPC PANTS, anyone?), what else can you do.

I appear to be in the statistical small minority that has never been assaulted, so I am genuinely at loss, here.

Oh, Jesus, humble, how awful.

I had several similar conversations when I was a student in the 1970s. Most girls said that at some time it had happened to them. Most girls in the groups having the conversation had had to fend off unwanted male attention from about the age of 11 or so. It is very common.

Most of us were able to evade anything other than a fumble or overly close hug and dealt with it. Or, if it was more than that told our parents. Others were not able to.

ABC - I think all you can do is your best :)

I definitely don't frighten my children but I won't take risks either even if that makes me over protective or whatever - I know people say 'oh stranger danger is rare' and it is but it's rare because so few strangers are given access to children - I'm not giving them access to mine!

Thanks LRD. It seems normal when you're in it, and nothing of that kind happened to me.

I worked in a field where I was privy to information such as this and whilst they're not on EVERY corner (they may be but the ones we knew about weren't) there was certainly one or more per housing estate/parish/suburb

As the daughter of a woman who was assaulted by the window cleaner as a 5 year old in the 1950s - I have been brought to up to believe that ANYONE can be a paedophile, maybe my DM was overprotective until my teens but it's extremely understandable why.

MammaTJ how did you find out? It's something that worries me. I was walking past the local school and looked up and saw a half naked man peeping out of the grubby curtain

Probably totally innocent, but it make me wonder.i had the feeling I was being watched.

I think there are certain things we should all be doing. There was a really fabulous video going around which discussed how we undermine consent in our children. For example, even if DD is shivering, if she says she's hot I listen to her, I don't tell her she isn't. If she doesn't want to kiss or hug me or anyone else, I immediately respect that. I don't tell her she likes something when she says she doesn't (even if she bloody ate it yesterday). If she is taking against something, I reflect her feelings and talk to her about it, not just force her. I've stopped doing things like tickling if she signals 'stop' in any way and only restart when she says, "more".

Also, no stranger danger. If she says she doesn't want to go to Gramps' or childcare or wherever, I ask why and listen. No secrets from parents. Her body belongs to her.

What else?

These kinds of threads really freak me out.
DS has been left with many family friends and extended family over the years. If I feel I trust someone, then I don't really even consider these things. Should I? And how could I tell?
There are no signs he has been abused as far as I know (he's 7, happy, confident, sociable), but how on earth could I tell?

It's a case of ignorance being bliss. Those people who haven't been abused think that other people exaggerate about the risks .Those people who have suffered think that other people are naive and trusting.
I wasn't abused myself but some of my siblings were (by our father and others) and as a result I find it very difficult to trust anyone. Once you have been affected by child abuse you can't go back to the way you were before.I rarely discuss it on forums or in real life because I get angry by people who think it hardly ever happens.

Rotherham, Savile, Glitter, north wales, Telford, Oxford, Cleveland, Bradford, Leeds, Elm Tree guest house, a friend's neighbour, a friend's uncle, a local primary teacher, a friend's husband.

One of my old colleagues had never left her girls alone with any man, including her father, who hadn't abused her.

It thrives on secrecy and shame. The best (and imo the only realistic) thing we can do is teach our children to a) call bullshit when someone tells them to keep a secret or says that we won't love them anymore if they tell, or that they'll be taken away etc, and b) that they should NOT be ashamed if something happens to them.

I've been assaulted twice. Both times I said nothing because I felt ashamed. The sorry excuses for men should be shamed.

It wouldn't always stop it happening, but it could stop a hell of a lot of the damage.

Good post & I agree, fatlazymummy - too many people are naïve.

My ex turned out to be a convicted peadophile, his family and more worryingly the child protection officer that had been assigned to him actively hid his from me (despite my having sisters in his "target" age)

Right up until he reoffended and even then his parents minimised his previous offences to try and stop me telling anyone and have the family name dirtied.

When i asked child protection why the hell I wasn't warned I was told it was because he was moving on with his life and was no longer a risk. Clearly bloody not!!

MrsTerryPratchett do you have a link to that video, I'd like to see it.

I remember reading on here a while ago (when DS was a newborn) about not asking him to kiss relatives/friends when saying goodbye if he didn't want to and I definitely agree with that concept.

mrhughjass be alert for signs of withdrawal, stress, depression in your son.(also a good indication if he is being bullied). Let him know he can tell you anything and you will believe him. Follow usual procedures for online safety. Be involved in his life, his friends, social groups,clubs etc .

I always thought it was hysteria, but now due to some events in my area, I'm not so sure (not Rotherham by the way)

It won't mean that I never let my child out to play ever again, but I do make more of a point now, of warning her about stranger danger/talking about the NSPCC underwear rule etc

I used to argue vigorously against the concept, but increasingly, I am starting to realise that the probability is actually quite high that there is one lurking on every corner.

The whole situation's pretty grim really, isn't it? I didn't experience any sort of sexual assault as a child, and feel like I am part of a teeny, tiny minority. I have experienced all sorts of so-called low-level sexual assault as an adult, but that is entirely par the course, as a woman.

Someone said upthread that they're pretty sure people wouldn't turn a blind eye today. I don't think that's true.

I think the default position very much is still to turn a blind eye. Especially if the perpetrator is someone you (generic) know. The reaction is to disbelieve the child.

Look at people's initial reactions to Rolf Harris. Rolf Harris? Beloved children's entertainer?! Nooo, can't possibly be true...! Look at the total slating Vanesse Feltz took. Even Woody Allen - so many people assume Dylan Farrow is lying, and Woody couldn't possibly have dne the things he did.

And these men are strangers... They're strangers to us, and yet the public is far more ready and willing to believe them over their victims. So unfortunately, I do still think people woud rather turn a blind eye, especially when it's someone they know being suspected or even accused...

There is a lot to be said for that fundamental tenet of our legal system that says one is innocent until proven guilty. However, that very thing means victims - often vulnerable, and often children - are automatically disbelieved.

LRD That is sort of comforting in a way.

I agree encouraging openness is so important, showing children their thoughts and worries are important, that they will be listened to, and believed.

I do think people are overcautious about stranger danger, obviously we tell DS never to go off with somebody he doesn't know, but I do think that's unlikely.

It's far more likely to happen, terrifyingly, in a situation you'd never think twice about.

Here is the video. You don't have to agree with everything, obviously! But I like the idea of protecting them by empowering them. Listen to them, leave space to talk, validate their opinion even if you don't share it.