To wonder if actually there IS a paedophile round every corner?

[CundtBake]

I know it's fashion on here to not really worry about this kind of thing, and pretty much act like it doesn't exist, but given the sheer volume of stuff in the press at the moment, AIBU to wonder if we should all be more worried in general?

Two people in my family (now dead) were heavily suspected paedophiles. I was abused as a child (not by them) and a LOT of people I know also suffered abuse as a child. And that's just the ones who have shared with me.

AIBU to think it is a lot more common than we might like to think?

Thanks fatlazymummy. I think, as in your previous post, that because I am lucky enough to have no personal experience of this I just don't really think about it. It's not that I don't think it's common - I know from the stats that it is - it's just that I have a basic position of naivity.

I'm so sorry to everyone on this thread that this issue has directly affected.

And don't ever assume any person wouldn't 'do that' as a knee jerk reaction.Paedophiles are very cunning criminals and can be incredibly deceptive.

Sounds sensible, fatlazymummy. But when can you assume someone wouldn't "do that"?
I mean, I totally assume that about all my family, and all of my close friends. But how do I know?? Even an enhanced CRB/DBS check would only weed out people with a known history.

There was a news article out at about the time that the pope said that he suspected 2% of priests were paedophiles, looking at the general population. That research reckoned that if younger teenagers were included in the stats then about 5% of people would be considered paedophiles, if you were looking at children under 10 that 1-2% of people were paedophiles. It didn't say how many people acted on those tendencies just how many people were suspected to have them. By that reckoning there really must be one on most streets.

What's the underwear rule?

I also know someone who will never leave her children in the sole care of a male, right down to family members. Things like school/after school activities aside of course.

On the one hand, I think this is taking it too far. On the other hand, given that most abusers are known to their victims, is her behaviour any more unreasonable than, for instance, someone who won't let their 5 year old play outside?

I don't know. It's something I've been thinking a lot more about recently, as DD is starting to crave a little more freedom, and we live in a small, safe village where children walk to school on their own, ride their bikes to the park from quite a young age.

It's bloody hard to know what is best to do, it really is. On one hand, you don't want a child thinking the whole world is full of awful people out to get them, on the other hand you don't want them to be so naive that they are a sitting duck for some bastard

The underwear rule

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/keeping-your-child-safe/the-underwear-rule/the-underwear-rule_wda97016.html

I teach the underwear rule as; everything under your underwear is private. No one touches you there and you don't touch other people there. You also touch there on yourself only when you are on your own.

Obviously with younger children, pre-potty training, this doesn't work. Also, medical appointments can make this tricky. You can say, check with Mummy (which means medical stuff is OK because Mummy is there).

www.underwearrule.org/Default_en.asp

I'm beginning to think there's one living on almost every street.

A good friends dh was convicted of online child abuse - and is now in prison. His crimes were heinous. Sickening. He had had close contact with my dc on playdates/sleepovers etc. He was caught, and I considered the whole (v traumatic) experience a massive wake-up call regarding who I trust with my children.

It has opened my eyes so much. I used to just close my eyes to the news stories, convincing myself these things were v unusual.

Since then, I've found out that my next-door-but-one neighbour from our old house has been convicted. Another good friend's neighbour has just been convicted (and escaped jail). A man who used to live on my sister's road... the list goes on. Combined with the headlining stories, saville etc -it's very frightening.

I also know a Mountie whose job is cyber crime. They don't have their children in daycare, no babysitters at all.

www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/for-parents/keeping-your-child-safe/the-underwear-rule/the-underwear-rule_wda97016.html

MrsTerryPratchett little personal anecdotes like that scare me way more than any number of hysterical newspaper articles

I do think the internet plays such a huge part as well. I was part of the first wave of teenagers to really use social media, back before there was any talk about sexting, or grooming. We always had weirdos emailing/messaging us through our profiles. One particular bloke was quite famous- his username was 'Iwanttoshowit', and he, well, wanted to show it. We all had a giggle and thought it was hysterically funny. And it was, at the time, but now I look back and realise how clueless we were, and how it would have been so easy to get into a seriously bad situation. Guys like the dickpic bloke are the equivalent of the sad old flasher in the park, but there were also loads of messages from 'sixteen year olds' asking to meet

Working in settings where you are exposed to this information skews your view of the world.

Think. For 37+ hours a week you're being told everyone's a paedophile, all children are being abused, stop these people. You see the streets it happens on - maybe your street or a friends street - so you become hyper vigilant, paranoid almost.

Trust who you trust and keep open dialogue with your children and you can't go far wrong

The pants campaign is brilliant btw

The sad fact is that many if those who have been abused as children will never ever report it to the police. So the crimes are never reported/counted.

Well I am pretty sure the man who lives opposite us abused children in the past. My mum remembers the scandal as he is married to one of my primary teachers. He comes across as a lovely old man (he is in his 80's) who looks after his wife who is terminally ill with cancer. He has a big close family who are always at his house.

If it is true it is certainly a sad reminder that you never now tbh.

When people charged with protecting children facilitate abuse and say "a sense of proportionality needs to be kept" I fear for the future.

I had similar to Valerie when I was a teenager. We'd always be getting adds from people who had photos of 'hot' sixteen or seventeen year olds from the age of about 12.

The problem with never letting your children be with males is that it's not just men, women can and do abuse children too so although it's a good idea to be aware that everyone is a potential threat that's not the same as (and I don't think it's a good idea to) treat everyone as a threat.

I agree wholeheartedly with everything LRD says.
I believe it is not about 'attraction to children' as a small child cannot be sexual - it is not possible, any more than a piano can be sexual - it is purely about power. Children are very vunerable and abusers prey on the vunerable.

MrsTerryPratchet - yes, you have made some great points there.
Children need to know their 'small' needs/wishes will be respected by their adult caregiver then they will have more confidence in speaking about their 'big' needs/wishes.

I had a problem this morning.
My older child has always had a problem with school refusal (mostly due to bullying). My younger has seen this and her confidence that school is a good place to be has been affected. She has just changed teachers (again) and is thoroughly rattled and didn't want in this morning. The new Deputy Head (a 6ft, well built man in a dark suit) came out as she was clinging to me in tears, and grabbed both her wrists and started pulling her off me. She became hysterical with fear and I told him to let go. He did not but blustered about her making a fuss and kept holding her and kept pulling. At this point I firmly told him: 'take your hands off her please'.
She has never met him before and she was scared silly of this big strange man pulling her away from her mum. She is 6.
The Deputy Head was really annoyed I had 'undermined his authority'.
I was angry he had frightened her and, imo, made the situation worse.
But when I came home I was more disturbed that this is seen as 'acceptable' in our society (ie a much bigger adult trying to force a small child to do something - which is clearly NOT abuse but does mess hugely with their boundaries)
when we are also trying to teach our children they have the right to say no / to shout / to run and tell.

She did a big series of interviews with men who'd been using child porn and that sort of thing ,

Child porn? Language? Pictures of child abuse surely?

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 29-Aug-14 20:40:50

Excellent post.

We have stopped the forcing to kiss the adults too ( great grandma) etc. I read article a while ago on not forcing children to do this and as it goes against societal norm It was a huge relief to see this article and see it from the other side. I say now, its her body and so on.
And stopped secrets.
Someone, maybe you a while ago MrsTP said - also say these things loudly in front of family members whoever they may be, so they get the message no secrets.

I was stopped by my next-door-but-one neighbour this week. I have lived here just over 10 years but this is the first time we have spoken .

What she wanted to tell me was that the NDN 3 doors down is a convicted paedophile who has abused boys and girls. He was a headmaster. She told me she had seen him talking to my DS and DD while they were walking our dog, she said hello to the DC and told them to walk back with her (which opens another conversation: why did my DC, after all the talks we have had, start walking off with a stranger? Was it because she was a woman?)

I have been allowing the DC to the park and very local areas as well as walk to/from school (roughly a minute away from our home) but now feel uncomfortable with this. Not because I know there is a convicted paedophile living a few doors down but because i thought "one on every corner" wasn't true. This plus reading threads on here have made me re-consider.

first its a mixture of attractions for different people and sadly yes some men do find children highly sexually attractive, there are many ways in which men would go for small children, Its naive to say its only one strand. If you watch the Wonderland u tube programe, Panorma, you will see this, and see that the men see the children as having a relationship with them. If you look into PIE and so on you will see them trying to lower age of consent and seeing the children as flirting with them.

BTW it really annoys me on threads such as this, when people post extreme comments like being cautious would mean you lock your children inside and give them huge fears and treat every man as a potential rapist.

You can maintain caution but remain vigilant, do all Mrs T says, as well as let your children live normally. My close neighbours are lovely, they all seem lovely, we get together once a year for drinks, we chat to each other, and maintain good but not too close relations, which is perfect.

I do also realise I don't really know them, what they get up to behind closed doors and I am aware of this.