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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with the nursery assistant?

151 replies

APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 17:26

My son (9m) had his first full day at nursery today.

His dad and I are pretty laid back in general and only give minimal 'instructions' as requested by the nursery (eg bottle time, and how to give the bottle to him as he can be a bit awkward)

So I pick him up and he's exhausted after only sleeping half an hour all day (not their fault!). They decided that because he didn't eat his breakfast that they would bring his bottle forward and split it. When I asked, she said they'd made the porridge with water, that she'd asked my husband if he could have it with cows milk and 'he said yes but didn't seem sure so they made it with water'!?!!! (He says this is bollocks!). He then refused the rest of his milk later so he's only eaten finger food and had half his bottle three hours early!!!!
She then asked about him having birthday cake next week, as we've said we don't want him having chocolate or cake just yet. I said i would rather he didn't have any, so she said that she would get the mum to bring it in party bags for the other 'so he didn't feel like he's being punished!'. I was a bit Shock but then she said 'depriving them of sweet things has been proven to cause problems and lead to obesity later in life' Shock Shock Shock
Now I'm a bit pork life but my husband is tall and skinny and our son completely takes after him.
I was left feeling completely shite to be honest; it's hard enough having him start nursery without being given no confidence that he's being fed, and being made to feel that I'm depriving him by saying I would prefer him not to have chocolate cake! He's 9 months old!
So I guess AIBU to say that I would rather he didn't have cake at 9m old and AIBU to feel a bit upset that I was made to feel guilty about it?

OP posts:
Janethegirl · 30/08/2014 18:43

My view is you pay plenty to put a child in a nursery, the least they can do is follow the parents requests re what food the child is given to eat. OP you are perfectly entitled to insist your dc is not fed cake or porridge made with water.

Rainbunny · 30/08/2014 18:53

Well given that myself and DH do not have the best teeth in the world, we wouldn't want to start a lifelong financial relationship with dentists for our children by introducing sugar early on. At 9 months your child is surely not "missing out" by not having sugary treats?

shatteredboo · 30/08/2014 19:16

Totally with you on the cake OP. Who the hell are they to pass judgement on the diet YOU choose for YOUR child? If you had chosen a vegetarian diet for your child for example, would they have something to say about that?

You're presumably paying them quite a lot of money to look after your child, you are perfectly within your rights to have some control over what your child eats whilst in their care.

I'm shocked by how many posters here are telling you to "chill out ". OP is not suggesting her DS never touches sugar, simply that 9 months is a little early. Look at it like this- he has probably only been on solid foods for lets say 90-120 days now, what on earth is wrong with wanting the foods he eats in that time to be nutritionally good for him?

Your child. Your rules. Simple. I teach in a nursery setting and we will ALWAYS adhere to parents wishes when it comes to what food and drink their child is allowed. it's basic respect as far as I'm concerned.

unlucky83 · 30/08/2014 19:32

Whether they eat cake or not is all part of being out in the world - coming into contact with different people/parents with different ideas - you have to decide what is important - and it isn't easy...
Eating off the floor ...when my pfb went to school she didn't take a snack - as I didn't think they needed one (still don't). They got their milk just before break ... I maybe would have sent in an apple but at the time they got given free fruit then too...she wasn't hungry!
After a year or so I found out that her best friend was taking an extra snack in for DD1 (crisps or sweets) - I was furious ...and embarrassed...
What must the other mum think? Blush... and why did she think it was ok to give her (and my!) DC shit everyday... Angry
I started letting DD1 have a 'snack' once a week and she took extra to share with her friend. I had a diplomatic word with her friend's mum - DD1 had a big breakfast etc...I thought I'd solved the problem ...
Then I discovered that when someone's crisp packet had burst, DD1 had eaten the crisp off the floor...BlushSad

shatteredboo · 30/08/2014 19:38

And as far as a 9 month old feeling like they're "missing out" on the cake. Absurd.

Porridge made with water has just a fraction of what a baby needs nutritionally at that age, namely missing the essential fat from the milk. This really isn't rocket science and something nursery staff should understand, fgs.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 19:46

£800 a month nursery feeds Smile
I really don't want to be one of 'those' parents, which is why I didn't react to her. I'm sure she meant well but it was misguided and ill-timed. But I don't think that having conversations with the key worker at the start of his nursery life and while they're finding their feet with him will make me one of those, will it? We really don't have that many specific wishes, only the 'no junk food just yet' which I'm sure can't be unusual at 9m. And if that's unreasonable, I'm happy to remain unreasonable. Plenty of time for sweets and cakes!
I just need to trust that they'll tell me the truth, and read the info we supplied them with. I'm sure we sat and wrote a massive list of things he'd eaten so cows milk would have been on there.

OP posts:
Shelby2010 · 30/08/2014 19:48

Ha, according to the nursery assistant I must be a cruel mother as DD2 (10mths) has frequently occasionally had to sit eating a rice cake while her older sister & I scoff chocolate cake. To be fair she has never looked particularly unhappy about it, not even when I've also had a nice cup of tea while she gets boring water. She'll get cake on her 1st birthday same as DD1 did, teaching them bad habits early just means less cake for you.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 19:52

Haha Shelby hadn't thought about the sharing cake thing!!! Oooh, less cake for me means he's never having any! Cake

OP posts:
slightlyglitterstained · 30/08/2014 20:07

Hah. DS is now two and the days when I could eat icecream or cake in front of him without screams of "MIINE!!!" are long gone...

No sense in waving those days goodbye early! Grin

scottishmummy · 30/08/2014 21:50

No one wants to be one of those parents but shes no there yet
If youre Doing 25min handover,participating in circle time,and crying at drop off.you're one of those Parents

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 21:53

Fuck that Grin
I just want to get him home and give him big squishy cuddles and have some play time

OP posts:
ThisFenceIsComfy · 30/08/2014 22:06

Hmmm so cake is fine, sausage roll is bad.

Got it. Thanks MN.

Expatmomma · 30/08/2014 23:07

DS is now - 14. When he was 10 months old the nursery gave him scrambled egg. Due to a family history of severe allergies we had told them no eggs, nuts or dairy until we give the green light.

That day he nearly died of an anaphylactic shock...

Hopefully your nursery will respect your wishes on food.

They don't know your reasoning (Which I agree with for what it's worth) for refusing to let him have cake and sweets - and I hope they respect the wishes of all parents.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 23:26

Wow, Expat, that must have been so scary. Poor little mite!
Lest I be accused of 'drip feeding' - there is diabetes on both sides of our family, hence me wishing to delay exposure to sugary food. But my detractors may say that I'm either a drip feeder or neurotic Hmm but as you say, I have my reasons
I hope your son is well and thriving now

OP posts:
Expatmomma · 31/08/2014 00:05

He still has several allergies plus asthma but enjoys life to the full and is very active (is heavily into sport).

The nursery don't need to know your reasons they should just respect them.

It's heartbreaking and tough the first couple of weeks of nursery. I she's many a tear in my car.

But before you know it .. Your child will be attached to the staff and what seems not long after that again - the day will come when it's time for him to move onto school and you will be weeping at the thought of him leaving the cosy protective environment.
Smile

Expatmomma · 31/08/2014 00:06

Stupid autocorrect

" I shed many a tear .....

m0therofdragons · 31/08/2014 00:10

I think give them a few more days however, re cake - non of mine had cake under a year old. Just no need to give it to them and a 9mo isn't going to get jealous. Your child so your choice!

KatyN · 31/08/2014 08:32

If you are fuming and don't think they respect your wishes, I would suggest you go to a different nursery.
You are leaving your child with them. You all need to agree what's acceptable or trust them when they make a decision without you.

bellarations · 31/08/2014 10:03

They are quite small "issues" really in the grand schema of things baby related. Are you projecting your feelings of disappointment at not being there yourself. Perhaps because the nursery have not cared for your dc in the way you would it has heightened your negativity toward the assistant. Unfortunately that's the price of compromise. It's best to have a good relationship with the assistants if you can and try to afford micro managing everything in his life whilst he is in their care. It is less stressful for you in the end. Assume you chose the nursery because you liked it ??

Goldmandra · 31/08/2014 10:57

9mth old babies don't know that they are missing out by not having cake. If he had an alternative food he likes he would be perfectly happy and certainly would not feel punished. I'm surprised that a nursery practitioner has so little understanding of child development.

If she mentions this research again, I would ask for more details. If it does exist, it is likely to be studies of much older children in more extreme circumstances. You might also want to ask them how this fits into their healthy eating policy.

I don't understand why the staff didn't phone you for clarification about the porridge rather than messing around with his bottle. I would also be very concerned about them lying.

When you send your child to nursery things will be different. They are being cared for by different people but that doesn't mean that your views on basics like when sweet treats should be introduced should be ignored or criticised.

It's a shame that, being new to the whole thing and having turned to other parents to help you gain perspective, you've managed somehow to draw out so many extremists.

My advice would be to sit back a while and see if the practitioners are generally more sensible and knowledgable and this was just an isolated bad day. If it continues in this vein I would look for a different setting.

itsbetterthanabox · 31/08/2014 11:11

They shouldn't be bringing in cakes for babies. He's only started eating food at all 3 months ago, slow down! You are right op. Babies don't even know it's their birthday let alone others! The nursery are talking out their arse. Where I worked we followed plans unless real distress. Just not finishing all his breakfast isn't distress.

HaroldLloyd · 31/08/2014 11:13

Other people should be allowed to bring in and let their babies eat cake, as much as OP is able to say no thanks.

Goldmandra · 31/08/2014 11:50

Other people should be allowed to bring in and let their babies eat cake, as much as OP is able to say no thanks.

For their own children perhaps but there should not be an expectation that they can bring in cake for a room full of babies to share. Babies don't understand enough to make that sort of activity worthwhile.

Even first birthday parties aren't for babies, they are for the families and friends who are old enough to understand.

It's fine to allow parents to send in food for their own children but the nursery shouldn't be enabling cake sharing in baby rooms.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 31/08/2014 21:38

Thanks for all the comments and feedback - am keeping positive ahead of tomorrow and praying he naps tomorrow!

OP posts:
partyskirt · 31/08/2014 21:50

I think it's just part of learning to cope with the fact that nursery aren't going to do everything 100% perfect for your LO - it will be "good enough" care. He will be fine, but not completely tailored to like at home.

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