Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with the nursery assistant?

151 replies

APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 17:26

My son (9m) had his first full day at nursery today.

His dad and I are pretty laid back in general and only give minimal 'instructions' as requested by the nursery (eg bottle time, and how to give the bottle to him as he can be a bit awkward)

So I pick him up and he's exhausted after only sleeping half an hour all day (not their fault!). They decided that because he didn't eat his breakfast that they would bring his bottle forward and split it. When I asked, she said they'd made the porridge with water, that she'd asked my husband if he could have it with cows milk and 'he said yes but didn't seem sure so they made it with water'!?!!! (He says this is bollocks!). He then refused the rest of his milk later so he's only eaten finger food and had half his bottle three hours early!!!!
She then asked about him having birthday cake next week, as we've said we don't want him having chocolate or cake just yet. I said i would rather he didn't have any, so she said that she would get the mum to bring it in party bags for the other 'so he didn't feel like he's being punished!'. I was a bit Shock but then she said 'depriving them of sweet things has been proven to cause problems and lead to obesity later in life' Shock Shock Shock
Now I'm a bit pork life but my husband is tall and skinny and our son completely takes after him.
I was left feeling completely shite to be honest; it's hard enough having him start nursery without being given no confidence that he's being fed, and being made to feel that I'm depriving him by saying I would prefer him not to have chocolate cake! He's 9 months old!
So I guess AIBU to say that I would rather he didn't have cake at 9m old and AIBU to feel a bit upset that I was made to feel guilty about it?

OP posts:
shareacokewithnoone · 29/08/2014 17:57

Same, tobias

NoraRobertsismyguiltypleasure · 29/08/2014 18:02

I don't think you are BU r.e. the cake, how many children are in his room? There could be cake quite regularly. Also, as a previous nursery nurse if a parent says they don't their child to have something then you say 'ok, then', you don't start guilt tripping the parent into changing their mind.
I would say you need to give them benefit of the doubt, it's only one staff member you've spoken to. Go in the next time with your wishes written down, so there can be no confusion and stick to your guns regarding cake and sweet things - it's your child and you get to decide what you want him to eat.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 29/08/2014 18:03

They think a 9m old is likely to feel "punished" when he doesn't even know what cake is? They think they can lecture you on the choice you've made? And your DH is saying they never asked him about the milk. I can see why you are sceptical, tbh.

Artandco · 29/08/2014 18:06

I think it sounds ok, in future leave x3 ready made bottles with them ( spare in bag), and just say if he hasn't eaten anything give etc milk for now.

I agree with you re cake tbh. Yes it's a birthday treat but no doubt there's lots of children at nursery so there could be birthdays every other day! My youngest is 3, Iv just started allowing him the odd ice cream this summer, and he eats cake etc at birthday parties but otherwise at home and in general he still has very little if any cake/ chocolate/ crisps/ sweets/ sugary yogurts etc. Same as ds1 who's almost 5. Dh and I don't eat that type of food as adults so I don't see the need for them to have either

Lizardc · 29/08/2014 18:06

Not giving cake to a 9m old is totally reasonable. He won't feel 'punished' at that age, it's too young to know any different, so their argument is ridiculous. By a bit olde, maybe 15-18 months, or definitely 2, then it will be different as children are so aware of what's going on by then. But not at 9 months, that' a daft.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 18:09

Back and Piff... I probably am a bit tired and stressed, and I'm not going to strop in there and have a go, and I was nice to the nursery assistant.
I just feel a bit disappointed really. Part of the reason we chose the nursery was the emphasis they have on good nutrition, no sugary puds etc, plus we have been in there several times and put all our preferences down. And he had a book we and they write in daily with up to date info. I'm prepared to accept I ABU to be 'fuming' but I can't get my head around them not asking my husband about the milk, nor being guilt tripped about cake for a 9m old

OP posts:
Piffpaffpoff · 29/08/2014 18:14

It will get easier, honest, as you all get to know and understand each other better.

NoodleOodle · 29/08/2014 18:24

I don't think it is necessary to give cake to a 9 month old. It would have been better if the nursery assistant had made no comment after you instructed no cake, but at least they asked, I suppose.

One of the hardest things about childcare and school is relinquishing control, having things done differently to how you would do it, and learning to relax over it for the most part. As pp said, as long as child is well looked after, it'll all be okay but having decisions made without you can be a bit of a shock and feel like an imposition.

clam · 29/08/2014 18:41

It's reading threads like this that make me very glad my kids are almost grown.
Fgs, does this really matter? You're being a bit precious, to be frank, and no one "made you feel" you were depriving him. That's your stuff. Give them a break. He'll survive.
To be honest, no matter how intense we are about what they eat at this age, and how much effort we put in to trying to establish good eating habits, they all eat crap as teenagers when left to their own devices and get through in one piece. My two are bang-on slim, fit and healthy, but I'm pretty sure neither one of them has eaten a vegetable at lunchtime since starting secondary school.

Georgethesecond · 29/08/2014 18:47

It will be fine, honestly. Give it time.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 29/08/2014 18:49

But clam, they tried to make her feel she was depriving him. You are giving your view based on your experience with your children but the assistant didn't even do that - she gave an unasked for lecture. Why do that when your job is to care for the child and build a good relationship with the child's parents? I feel it shows poor judgement.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 29/08/2014 18:51

I am sure it will be fine, btw, but I don't think it is precious to expect a nursery to care for your child in the way they have agreed to and to have your views respected.

HaroldLloyd · 29/08/2014 18:52

I don't get the angst about birthday cake it's so rare they've ever had it, saying that it's your decision, it's not like your DS will have a clue he's not getting it so I agree her comments were snarky.

The milk issue wouldn't bother me, have a chat with the key worker next week.

They have given DS milk early at times for various reasons,but not regularly in nursery.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 18:55

Thanks, Princess
She actually used the words I quoted, about him not feeling he's being punished and children who are deprived likely to be obese. I know I'll face battles with far greater things, but I didn't think avoiding cake for a 9 month old was unusual or to be queried.
To be totally clear as well, I don't have a snoot about people who do give their babies cake. We've just chosen not to whilst he's young. I'd expect a lecture if I said I didn't want him to have veg, not about asking to avoid refined sugar :)

OP posts:
Awakeagain · 29/08/2014 19:01

Not allowing cake is ok but despite the fact they've asked on this occasion, there may be other times they have cake
At ds's nursery they sometimes have cake as pudding or with a party tea for a special occasion, they eat a huge range of foods and a bit won't harm him - what other puddings do they have there?

Ds did rubbish naps when he first started at nursery and he has just changed rooms and is napping less in his new room (which isn't ideal) but there are sooo many positives and they can't make him sleep longer

windchime · 29/08/2014 19:05

I count myself so lucky that I could take two years off work, and then hand my DCs over to grandparents. Not sure I could have gone back to work if I had to leave them with strangers.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 29/08/2014 19:07

I think if his key worker was off today I would chalk it up to bad communication and start again next week.

However I say this it's going to sound wrong but I'm going to say it anyway: my ds was in the same nursery for 4.5 years and one of the most striking thing was how the nursery assistants grew and developed during his time. When he first started some of them were very young and just starting their training: they were shy, not used to talking to parents and (frankly) their communication skills were poor.

These were the young women who then were able to stand up and confidently address a room full of parents at ds last parents' night there. By which I mean, don't judge the whole nursery by a couple of weird conversations. Speak to his key worker on Monday and escalate to the manager if you're still not happy, but maybe chalk this one down to experience.

FamiliesShareGerms · 29/08/2014 19:08

TBH, the first day at nursery is always a bit difficult for everyone and it would be a miracle if his routine wasn't out of kilter.

Don't dwell on it, and hopefully tomorrow will be better

GreatSoprendo · 29/08/2014 19:08

I don't have much of a problem with the milk thing, and think they just chose the word 'punished' poorly - I'm sure they just meant they didn't want him to feel different or left out.

Nursery will always do things differently to how you do things at home - you kind of have to go with it if you are going to feel at ease with leaving your DC in their no doubt capable hands. Don't sweat the small stuff.

FWIW our nursery is super healthy and obsessed with giving them a super foods dote, but it's normal for parents to bring in a cake for the kids to have when there is a birthday. Not worth losing sleep over.

Piffpaffpoff · 29/08/2014 19:09

Good for you windchime but sadly not all of us have grandparents around to look after the kids. Let's not make this into a 'nurseries are awful' thread - we all make our choices based on our circumstances.

GreatSoprendo · 29/08/2014 19:09

That would be diet, not dote.....

biscuitsandbandages · 29/08/2014 19:12

It will take time to build up a relationship with the carers but it will come. The 'strangers' I left my pfb have looked after him and his brother for 4 years and his baby sister from 3m old (I was in hospital) we have had ups and downs and they get to know us and the children but they are our friends now and a second family to the children.

Give it time and a pat on the back for getting through that first stressful day.

GreatSoprendo · 29/08/2014 19:13

Just to add OP I think what is hard when you first use a nursery is that in a way the staff are strangers. But you will see them so much, and have so many conversations with them (in my case, morning and night since DS was 9 months old) that you quickly strike up a really close bond with them. Now I know the staff, their own kids, we bump into each other at the shops and they babysit in my home - so our relationship is really good.

So windchime - I don't leave my son with strangers. I leave him with a group of professionals who I know and trust Smile

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 19:35

Windchime, I'm glad you are happy with your situation.

I'm actually happy with our decision to send him to nursery. And even if we had family nearby, he would still primarily be in paid childcare. at his last settling session prior to today, we were told he got upset when they had to prioritise other children. For me, that reinforced that nursery will be great for him. We are unlikely to have another child, and I want him to understand sharing and being part of a group as normal; and not to be the undivided centre of attention.
Thanks most of you for your feedback, definite cake food for thought and I'll have a chat with his key worker on Monday. As a pp said, suddenly having someone else make decisions for him his harder than I thought, and making them incorrectly, but I'm sure they'll grow to know him and get a good instinct for him. I'm determined not to be 'that' parent Wink - but I would rather he didn't have chocolate cake just yet!

OP posts:
TheHorseHasBolted · 30/08/2014 10:15

YANBU about the cake. We didn't let our children have sugar until they were 1 and I would have been well pissed off if someone had tried to make me feel guilty about it. Also it seems very unlikely to me that someone who is not even 1 year old would have any concept of "being punished", or would miss something he'd never tried before.

The porridge thing sounds like a genuine misunderstanding but yes, I would have been annoyed by it too. Just make sure they now know how you want him to have it in future.

Swipe left for the next trending thread