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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be fuming with the nursery assistant?

151 replies

APotNoodleandaTommy · 29/08/2014 17:26

My son (9m) had his first full day at nursery today.

His dad and I are pretty laid back in general and only give minimal 'instructions' as requested by the nursery (eg bottle time, and how to give the bottle to him as he can be a bit awkward)

So I pick him up and he's exhausted after only sleeping half an hour all day (not their fault!). They decided that because he didn't eat his breakfast that they would bring his bottle forward and split it. When I asked, she said they'd made the porridge with water, that she'd asked my husband if he could have it with cows milk and 'he said yes but didn't seem sure so they made it with water'!?!!! (He says this is bollocks!). He then refused the rest of his milk later so he's only eaten finger food and had half his bottle three hours early!!!!
She then asked about him having birthday cake next week, as we've said we don't want him having chocolate or cake just yet. I said i would rather he didn't have any, so she said that she would get the mum to bring it in party bags for the other 'so he didn't feel like he's being punished!'. I was a bit Shock but then she said 'depriving them of sweet things has been proven to cause problems and lead to obesity later in life' Shock Shock Shock
Now I'm a bit pork life but my husband is tall and skinny and our son completely takes after him.
I was left feeling completely shite to be honest; it's hard enough having him start nursery without being given no confidence that he's being fed, and being made to feel that I'm depriving him by saying I would prefer him not to have chocolate cake! He's 9 months old!
So I guess AIBU to say that I would rather he didn't have cake at 9m old and AIBU to feel a bit upset that I was made to feel guilty about it?

OP posts:
HaroldLloyd · 30/08/2014 10:18

Cake is personal choice.

It's not like he is going to be at weeping into a banana in the corner as they all came down cake he won't probably even notice.

Sounds like a combo if things where you were feeling a bit discombobulated about the food and then she said that on top, in sure it will all be a lot better next week.

clam · 30/08/2014 10:33

The nursery worker didn't "try to make" anyone feel guilty. At most, she was probably trying to pre-empt the reverse complaint we also see frequently on MN of "my child was 'made to feel as if he was being punished' because he was excluded from sharing something or other at school/nursery." Nursery workers and teachers get it from all sides.

Sapat · 30/08/2014 11:16

First day, learning curve for everyone, they seem to have done fine. We have been just finished nursery after 5 years and they are very accommodating re: foods (our only instruction was no melon as it gave DD the runs), though when I look at some instructions left by parents (they were pinned in the dining room), I felt sorry for lots of kids and nursery staff, who really had to keep on top of it all, between allergies, intolerances, religious preferences, personal preferences, weird arse diets and generally fussy parents whose children were always the snotty ones.

Although the nursery provides sensible food, it seems traditional to share Haribo sweets at birthdays. I once had to watch a mum scold her vegan 2 yr old for wanting to eat a sweet which she had been given inadvertently by a child (who wanted to share because she didn't get a pack!). She kept saying how extremely disappointed she was in her daughter's life choices!!! She went on and on and it was mortifying.

I don't dish out the sweets, but I always let them have the ones they get at birthdays immediately, opening the pack nice and wide. Half falls on the floor pretty quickly, a couple go in ears/nose and they lose interest after a minute and the pack is then conveniently disposed of. They end up eating about 3 sweets. At 9 months I am sure the cake will be play dough to your child rather than food. I have a film of my son's first birthday cake and he mostly smeared it all over his face and loved it.

The nursery never gives anything without your permission and are very cautious. I used to get annoyed every time one of the DC went without calpol because they could not get hold of me to check first. They also returned the candle (a single 4) I had given them for my sons birthday cake as apparently it posed a fire risk. Wtf?

My most bizarre nursery anecdote was witnessing a deaf assistant lead the singing. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2014 11:26

It's better that they check with you than not. The nursery assistant didn't phrase her comments well at all. should gave shut up to be honest but it doesn't seem that bad.

His routine will change a bit now he's at nursery anyway and he's likely to be more tired than he would be at home.

Talk to the key worker on Monday. I'm sure everything will become smoother.

thingsarelookingup · 30/08/2014 11:33

I find the punished thing a bit odd too. My DS didn't know what cake was at that age so didn't feel deprived when he saw other people eat it. It wasn't until he had tried cake that he would ask for some if he saw it.

blinkyblinky · 30/08/2014 11:37

How the fuck would a 9 month old "feel punished" at seeing other children have brown stuff put in their mouths? He'd have been just as happy with a banana surely and none the wiser. The communication skills of some nursery workers can leave a lot to be desired - sounds like she was regurgitating something off a course she's just done without any sensitivity to the situation at all. But if they give your baby lots of cuddles during the day, keep him clean, safe and he's essentially a happy bunny then you might have to suck up a few ill-advised comments and try not to take them personally. Can't believe all the pressure on here for you to let your child have cake at 9 months FGS - a "special" treat? There's probably a birthday every week! Hope things settle for you - am sure they will.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 11:37

Thanks guys... Not sure why clam seems to be spoiling for a fight. I can't believe a 9 month old would feel punished by not having cake - surely they could just give him a rice cake when the others have their chocolate cake.
His over tiredness actually meant an extra hour's sleep last night so feeling more calm Grin but will definitely catch up with his key worker on Monday

OP posts:
Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 11:39

Thanks blinky, you're right and, to be fair, whenever I've gone in to pick him up he's been sat on someone's lap having a cuddle looking quite chilled out.
I'm finding the pressure re cake quite weird too and I just can't think of a reason why I would want to give him cake at 9 months. That's not said judgementally, it's just our parenting decision

OP posts:
Stealthpolarbear · 30/08/2014 11:48

Absolutely right. And I doubt it will be a rare occurrence - the issue has come up on the very first day!!

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 12:12

YANBU

Re 'DH not looking sure' - he's a grown man and she is supposed to be an adult, she should have said something to him there and then, not just assumed that as he was 'Dad' he might not know Hmm

Did you ask what else they tried him with at breakfast time? Rushing straight into giving him half his bottle wasn't the best decision.

However, The whole not eating breakfast and bringing (half his bottle) fwd etc is just 'one of those things' - less than ideal but relatively easily sorted out.

She then asked about him having birthday cake next week, as we've said we don't want him having chocolate or cake just yet. I said i would rather he didn't have any

She shouldn't have even asked, it is on his forms that have only just ben filled in. Fair enough if it was in 6 months time when maybe you'd feel differently.

However, having asked that should have been the end of the conversation. He is 9 months old, what utter twattery trying to make you feel guilty by saying she would get the other mum to bring in party bags so he didn't feel like he was being punished. What kind of a clueless muppet is she? Really? I doubt he would have noticed or cared, but even if he did he would be thinking 'I want that' not 'Sob I'm being PUNISHED' FFS

then she said 'depriving them of sweet things has been proven to cause problems and lead to obesity later in life'

At 9 months? The girl is clueless and until she is a bit more clued up she shouldn't be let loose on the general public, especially not a mum leaving her first baby there, for his first full time session. The fact that she has been, would lead me to being less than impressed with the management of the nursery.

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2014 12:13

Don't stress too much about the cake. It's completely reasonable for him not to have it. How many children are in the room on his days. That's how often it will be an issue!

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2014 12:15

Latte chill out a bit. She's almost certainly 17/18 and not the most tactful, regurgitating what she's heard on a training course. The situation however doesn't deserve that response.

Stealthpolarbear · 30/08/2014 12:16

Good point about that, the ink would have been barely dry on the words saying " no cake"

Stealthpolarbear · 30/08/2014 12:17

And if that came from a training course it's materials need reviewing!!

Stealthpolarbear · 30/08/2014 12:21

Its
Sigh at autocorrect

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 12:21

LittleBearPad don't tell me to 'chill out' - how rude. The OP asked for opinions, I gave her mine. If you are fine being told such utter shite by someone who should know better then fine, I would not be. Nor do I think it's good management to allow someone like that to do a hand over of a young baby to his Mum on his first full session.

Happy36 · 30/08/2014 12:24

I think chalk this up to a one-off, make sure you and your husband communicate with them very clearly in future (perhaps put it in writing if it´s something really important) and hope for the best.

Does your son seem to like the nursery? Is he happy? For me this would be the key factor, although I know it´s really frustrating for you to have to deal with this apparently difficult nursery assistant.

LittleBearPad · 30/08/2014 12:26

It's not rude. Your post was aggressive.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 12:29

Latte they tried him with porridge and with weetabix... Both made with milk Hmm
I don't know why they didn't just call if they weren't sure

OP posts:
LatteLoverLovesLattes · 30/08/2014 12:39

APot they put milk on it after saying they didn't make it with milk because DH didn't seem sure & using that as the excuse for making his porridge with water Hmm. If he wouldn't eat breakfast, had only had half his bottle and not much else, a quick call to say 'what do you suggest we try him with' would have been a sensible option!

LittleBearPad - it's not aggressive and even if it was It Is None Of Your Business.

clam · 30/08/2014 12:40

"Spoiling for a fight?" Grin

For sticking up for a young girl who was trying to do what she thought was the right thing? And for suggesting you relax a little about things?

O-kaaaayyy. Good luck with it all.

Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 12:43

Without milk, sorry... Duh

OP posts:
Original poster
APotNoodleandaTommy · 30/08/2014 12:45

Clam, you can disagree without being aggressive. I just don't understand the aggression.

OP posts:
unlucky83 · 30/08/2014 13:14

The cake thing I understand ...
If the others get something and your DC doesn't they will feel excluded.
But nicer for the birthday child to share their cake with their friends.
So give the 9mo a rice cake etc - but it may well look different to what the others have..maybe ok for now but not in a month or so.
Also the older children may well be curious as to why your DC is getting something 'special'.
And (sorry) you do sound a teeny bit pfb ...and maybe the nursery nurse - who has likely dealt with lots of babies and parents - was just trying to drop you a hint - just not very tactfully
....or even just trying to chat and sharing with you the latest research she had read about in 'Nursery Today'...which she found interesting...
And being a little hungry for a day will not do a 9 mo any harm...and giving cow's milk MAY have caused problems - whereas not doing so wouldn't. Although I agree they could have phoned - but then again they may well have lots of parents who get stroppy if they are disturbed at work for something that is not absolutely a dire emergency.
Early days - sure it will all work out fine ...

MissDuke · 30/08/2014 13:17

YANBU. I have worked in nurseries and would NEVER speak to a parent like that - disgraceful. I am now training to be a mw and still would never speak like that- yes I offer evidence based advice, but only evidence based, and only when the parent is receptive. I am unconvinced that hers was evidence based! It is not her place to say such a thing, and daft to suggest a 9 month old will feel left out without cake. My younger children never felt left out when given alternatives to cake and sweets when the older siblings were having treats. If they haven't had cake, why would they feel they were missing out?

The milk thing is also strange.

I think you need to iron this out now, start as you mean to go on. The key worker will be off again, so the others also need to know how to care for your baby.

Hope the next session goes better!