To be pissed off dd1 keeps eating dp tea!

[Anotherchapter]

She is 19 for god sake!

She has hers when she gets in from work around 7:15pm . She has probably quite a large meal for some one her size (she is very petite) finishes it all off then with in an hour or so I can hear her in the kitchen faffing about looking for food.

Recently she has taken to taking food off dp plate as he gets in at 9:30 ish.

She knows it's left for him And I tell her to leave it alone. I didn't plate his up tonight (did a beef curry) I heard her come down stairs and go in the kitchen. I heard the lid off the pan lift up, I told her to leave his bloody tea alone, then a few seconds later I heard her put it back and go back upstairs.

Just been in to check and she had took all the fucking meat out of it bar one shitty morsel!

If she gets hungry she knows she can make toast or cereal but to be taking his food - when she knows it's for him and that's all there is pissing me off.

I've just been up and told her off - she said she only had a tea spoon full

I don't know what her problem is.

The OP has already said she has a large portion and her DD Complains that she is stuffed then wanders in to the kitchen to pick at others food

I don't think it's even worth suggesting strategies.The OP has raised a daughter who is evidently disrespectful of others and seems happy enough not to address that on any proactive level. She might be pissed off with the food stealing but all her other selfishness and spoiled behaviour seems to be described with an indulgent chuckle. She sounds like an absolute little madam to me.

Another sorry, I evidently didn't make my post clear. I totally agree with you, she shouldn't be eating your DP's dinner, - I'm certainly not someone who thinks it's reasonable for her to eat other people's food.

My point is that she wants to make the choice between eating carb rich or protein rich food. That's fine, but she has to understand that she needs to pay for the increase in household food costs or buy her own food / snacks. She cannot expect the household budget to subsidise extra expensive food for her to snack on.

As it stands, she is paying an extraordinarily low amount for her keep - there is no way she could keep herself in her own home for £100 a month - so she can save for a fabulous holiday ( FWIW, I paid my mum more than that as an 18 yo student with a summer job. In 1991. ) And she's repaying the generosity shown by you and your partner by stealing his and her sister's food - she's taking the piss.

Op I know you said you're in a budget but could you ask your dd to contribute a bit more then just make extra? She may be hungry and just need seconds.
I'd plate dps up and leave some in the pan for her to eat later.

I think you should increase her board significantly. Maybe 75 a week? You said she would rather spend her money on a new handbag. So she is not exactly saving for a trip.

She would be paying 300 a month for a roof, food prepared for her, laundry facilities unless you do that too.

Did you say she takes your best toiletries too?

OP... your daughter, whether suffering from an eating disorder or not, is behaving like a selfish pig. You can't let it continue and you're understandably annoyed. I wouldn't tolerate it either.

I think some of the posters suggesting eating disorders don't really understand what they are. Bulimics wouldn't disregard carbs as an option because they'd vomit them up anyway. Your daughter is eating significant portions of food so really, that's not likely to be anorexia.

The resulting 'diagnosis' must be that she's simply selfish and doesn't care about other people having enough to eat or not. You've tried talking to her, if my daughter were to do this, I would tell her that any non-carbs she wants over and above her own fair share are to be funded by herself. If she doesn't like that or won't comply, she can find somewhere else to live.

You're on a budget and have finite amounts of expensive protein. She's not limited in eating the 'filler foods', she just doesn't want to. There's no excuse, none whatever and, if you don't tackle this now, your other daughter could develop her own issues of protectiveness over her food because of daughter number 1. That's not ok.

She's showing utter contempt for you and the rest of the family.

Are you one of those people that makes a chicken last a week? Maybe that's why she's hungry.

However, even if she's still hungry, it's so mean to take someone else's dinner.

Bizarre behavior and I think more to it than just being hungry

You sound like a decent mum.

I think it is possible that she is hungry, I am slim and struggle to eat as large a portion as I really need to get through the day, we've recently switched back to having pudding after every meal (fruit after breakfast, yoghurt after lunch, crumble after dinner etc) and I was surprised that this actually has really helped my bad eating habits!

Obviously it is not acceptable that she is taking your dps food, and I hope you manage to get her to understand that.

I think I must be old fashioned. She's 19, she can cope. What's wrong with having a complete meltdown next time she does it and giving her a massive telling off? Then point her in the direction of the food she CAN eat if she's hungry and tell her if you catch her nicking other people's food again she can start doing her own bloody shopping and cooking.
As for stealing your stuff, well, there's a pattern here isn't there? But whatever you think is OK, she's old enough to take notice when you set some boundaries with the food.

Agree with Lying and Vycount

This girl sounds like a selfish entitled little madam and little better than a thief. Doesn't sound as though mum wants to upset Princess Tippytoes though.

inertia I agree, she is taking the piss.

iloves through out my posts, I have agreed and said I was going to use advice that posters have give me. What do you want me to do? Kick her out? All I can do is talk and discuss this with her. Why am I not bring proactive enough for you? Where have I indulged her with a spoilt chuckle? What is it because I'm helping her save to go to Asia?

Yes she is taking the piss and being greedy and disrespectful in the way of taking food that's for other people - but she is not a bad person. She is not Veronica Salt.

Once again for the new posters that suggest more food on her plate or leave left overs. No. The meal gets divided between us all. She is not having a bigger portion than every one else or spare food left over resulting in everyone else having less. What she can do, s make her self a bloody snack. Preferably not of some ones else's plate!

Can I make a chicken last a week? God I wish I could. With a 17 stone rugby player dp and a gannet dd1 there is no chance!

Phew! She might be hungry - so what? She doesn't need to nick other people's food.
She might have an eating disorder - seems unlikely, but even if she did, take her to the doctor, she still doesn't need to nick other people's food.
She's fussy about what she eats to fill up. Fine, but she still doesn't need to nick other people's food. She needs to be told to go and buy a stock of her own fillers.
None of the above applies anyway, she said she's "stuffed", she's just used to being disrespectful of what belongs to others. Jump on her hard Op and sort it. Just tell her to never do this again, and when she does, whatever the circumstances, go absolutely volcanic with rage.

ilove is there really any need for your nastiness in your posts ? It's just strange....

vycount she will absolutely get told when she gets back from being out this weekend. I've never once thought this was ok.

Sorry Op, we crossed. I think you are being too nice. You say all you can do is talk and discuss. I think you need to express some absolute outrage and tell her in no uncertain terms that this will stop. If she doesn't like what's on offer for her to eat, she can go and buy herself some supplies.

vycount I doubt she has ED. I was hopping mad last night but couldn't get too loud mad as dd2 was a sleep next door.

Dp wasn't that arsed. It was me that was annoyed.

You don't charge her any kind of economic board and you put up with her thieving other people's food and your toiletries.

I know someone who's allowed their daughter to take the piss like this and she's now a mid 20s aged monster who's almost broken her entire family.

Her parents enabled her selfishness and are suffering for it, so yes, stories like this make me angry. I bet you're pissed off but won't actually do much about it.

Well clearly not as pissed off as you ! What I charge my daughter board has nothing to do with you and I find it really bizarre your so mad. Maybe your a little too invested\chip on shoulder.

And yes she does take my toiletries but I guess that's daughters for you! Did you ever not use/ borrow take anything of your mother/older sisters?

Yes I have probably over indulged her when she was younger, most being as she wasn't in contact with her dad regularly for ten years. But she's not the person your describing/imagining.

. I'm sorry for your friend but it won't have just been their daughters problems that almost broke them.

Regarding 'I bet you won't even actually do much about it.' - strange.

Any way thanks for your input ilove

You don't need to chuck her out, but it might be worth preparing a cost breakdown of the household income, food costs, rent and utility bills etc . If she complains about being hard done to when you have the conversation with her, it might make it easier to have the cold hard figures to hand just so that you can demonstrate why you cannot buy vast amounts of meat to satisfy her whims. And if she's lived alone before she must know how these costs mount.

I suspect , as I think you do, that it's not actually the food itself at the root of all this. It could be a way of exerting control over the household as discussed earlier on the thread, or perhaps she thinks she's found a way to test whether you love her more than DH, or DD2. Before you do talk to her, you need a chat with your DP so that his not-that-bothered stance doesn't undermine what you say. You know him best, but it might be that he's adopting that mindset because he's trying to keep the peace and doesn't want to be a bad-guy stepdad.

I'm sorry I was rude : I probably do feel a bit over invested emotionally in it.

I am the older sister , but no- I would never have considered stealing from my mother.

You don't have to get loud, anger is often more effective if quiet.
You tell her that she is never to steal food from other people's plates again if she wishes to stay living in your house.
You ask her why she feels the need to do it, tell her it is selfish and greedy, and ask whether she wants to pay you more for food or buy her own food if she thinks you aren't providing enough food for her.
You tell her to ask in future if she wants to borrow your clothes or toiletries.
Time for her to grow up and stop acting like a 14 year old.
When she has flat mates/ boyfriends they won't tolerate it.
She needs to learn to be less self centred.
I don't think this is a food issue as she takes other stuff. It's a lack of boundaries and consideration for the rest of the family issue. It may be related to it just being the 2 of you for many years, but now there are 4 of you and she has to accept that.

I never took anything of my mother's without asking. Why would I, it was her stuff not mine?
My younger sister never took my stuff without asking, ditto my teenage daughters.
Respecting each other's privacy and stuff is important to me.
You can share stuff and it's nice to share stuff, but you don't just take stuff belonging to other people without asking. That's not nice and is not a character trait I'd want to encourage.
I did alot of flat sharing when younger and the people i knew with problem flatmates had problems with them not respecting each other's food and belongings.

I too never took anything that belonged to my mother or sister. It would never have occurred to me to go through their stuff. My sister never took my things either. We did ask to borrow things sometimes, but there's a lot of difference between asking to borrow and just taking.
As for wandering about casually taking food out of pots or off other people's plates, it simply wouldn't have been tolerated.

I agree with the poster above that you and DP need to set up a united front on this and draw the line at unacceptable. Then be consistent, don't smile indulgently if she pinches something off someone's plate, fingers and forks in other people's food is really rude and disrespectful.

Glad it's not just me 2rebecca. Interesting point about respect and boundaries. You just don't take stuff belonging to other people. I suppose that's what I meant by over indulgent really.

I don't mean this to sound horrible but I think you are setting your dd up for a shock when she is in the real world.

She won't have a grasp of the cost of things, I would increase her contributions to the house. Even if you don't need the money you could put some of it aside for her for the future. She needs to know the value of her wage in relation to the cost of living.

The food thing needs stopping right now, I just can't fathom steeling someone's meal. My children wouldn't do it and they are 5&3. My brother never did it as a teen and he could eat 4 cooked meals a day at 19. Nobody I know would take food from someone else's plate, what on earth is going through her head to take her dads meal? You both need to stand firm on this because it is not ok even if your dh says it is.

"your daughter, whether suffering from an eating disorder or not, is behaving like a selfish pig"

It is very sad that people have so little understanding of eating disorders. When a person with an eating disorder has an urge to binge, that is no more them being "selfish" than when someone with flu has a temperature. It is simply outside their control.

I do (sadly) have a lot of insight into eating disorders and it sounds to me like your DD could do with some professional help and understanding. Yes, her behaviour looks selfish but the reality is that it may well be her ED that is controlling her. Being stick thin, obsessed with diets and then binge eating two good sized suppers is certainly not normal. B-eat is a very good charity with a website that you may wish to look at. Annoying as this must be for you, it will be even more frightening for your DD. I wish you both luck dealing with it. I recommend support and discussion.