To be pissed off dd1 keeps eating dp tea!

[Anotherchapter]

She is 19 for god sake!

She has hers when she gets in from work around 7:15pm . She has probably quite a large meal for some one her size (she is very petite) finishes it all off then with in an hour or so I can hear her in the kitchen faffing about looking for food.

Recently she has taken to taking food off dp plate as he gets in at 9:30 ish.

She knows it's left for him And I tell her to leave it alone. I didn't plate his up tonight (did a beef curry) I heard her come down stairs and go in the kitchen. I heard the lid off the pan lift up, I told her to leave his bloody tea alone, then a few seconds later I heard her put it back and go back upstairs.

Just been in to check and she had took all the fucking meat out of it bar one shitty morsel!

If she gets hungry she knows she can make toast or cereal but to be taking his food - when she knows it's for him and that's all there is pissing me off.

I've just been up and told her off - she said she only had a tea spoon full

I don't know what her problem is.

I agree flossy

I think this behaviour is approaching the extreme end of 'normal' behaviour. The taking of other people's food, when alternatives are available, does seem to suggest some psychological undertones. If talking it through with her doesn't solve the issue, then I would encourage her to see her GP.

I think this may be to do with her dieting.
Maybe in her head she thinks she is not eating if she picks one biscuit from someone elses bag or eats from the pan or DP's plate.

She has good metabolism and she needs more calories - yet she may be not eating anything at all until evening

Could there be an element of boredom to this. Im a greedy sod ad will pick through the kitchen if Im bored (the difference of course being that I do the meal planning and food shopping). She is being very selfish and needs to be told.

We were alone for 14 years before dp came along. She was pretty much on a pedistool and spoilt

I think there are three things going on here

1. She is a teen 'dieting' (worryingly so given how thin she is - I'd be concerned) - she's not eating enough in the day, so she's hungry in the evening, picking off others plates is making her feel like she isn't eating. Again this morning - she can say 'I didn't have breakfast', in her head even though she ate DD's sausage, she was 'good' and didn't have breakfast. I think her relationship with food needs to be addressed.

1. You need to have a discussion about the food she is allowed to eat and the food she isn't allowed to eat and come to a compromise on what that is.

1. Your relationship. You and her were a team for 14 years. She is only 19. So she was a teenager when you got with DP (and now have DD2). It must be really hard for her. It would be most unusual for a teenager not to feel pushed out by a new DP and a new baby (who takes up a LOT of Mums time, as they do). She probably wont admit to this - she probably would deny it to the hilt, she has her 'I'm a grown up' pride to protect.

IF it was me I'd talk to her, try to compromise about the food, then ignore it for now. DP isn't bothered, DD wont notice or care. Then I would work on my relationship with her, make the time to go out & do things with her - whatever your 'thing' is. Hug her. Smile. Love her. Show an interest in her and don't let DD2 interrupt all the time, don't keep on about how lovely/cute/funny DD2 is, be a bit sensitive. Acknowledge how different things are now DP is there and you have DD2. Really really 'love bomb' her. Buy her little things to show her you are thinking of her when you are out (cheap bottle of nail polish in a colour you saw and though she would like). Show her that she is still 'your girl'. Then do the same 'as a family' make sure she sees all 4 of you as a family and not just you, DP, DD2 as a family and her on the sidelines.

I think it's easy to think they are coping with a new dynamic, when actually, they're hurting.

hib oh she will eat all her tea including carbs. The no carb 'rule' 'excuse' comes in to play when she gets caught nicking done one else's food

latte she is not worryingly thin. She is just slim. Like I was at her age. There isn't a pick on her but she is not underweight.

There will be no compromise on eating another persons tea. It's not on. As you said up thread she is an adult. Adults shouldn't be displaying that behaviour. As I've repeatedly said, she is welcome to make something else extra. I won't ignore her eating dp tea because it's not fair. Why should he go with out because she chooses to eat his tea, rather than make something else. This isn't about her just being hungry. There is plenty of food available to her.

Dd2 doesn't interrupt all the time as she is in bed for a hour before dd1 gets in. Dp gets in two hours later. There is two hours every evening where we talk have our tea together - she may go up stairs or sit down stairs and watch the soaps together. We have plenty of 'us' time. We are tactile with each other. We talk about her bf or her work or what she has done at the weekend. She is out from Friday night till late Sunday so if I wanted a mum/daughter date I'd have t book it in at least a month in advance but on occasion we meet up fir lunch on her dinner hour.

I think your waaaaaay off with your last paragraph. Have you got older children?

LatteLovers

Bread, crumpets, toast, cereal - none of those are very good for you

That's just not true. It depends what kind of bread/toast/cereal you're talking about, how much of it you're eating, and what you're putting on it.

I'm very aware of the carb count in food thanks and you can be as 'fed up' of people being aware of the way they eat as you like, it doesn't make it wrong

I am not 'fed up of people being aware of the way they eat'; where'd you get that from? On the contrary, I'm very aware of what I eat myself. Which is why I know that blanket statements about carbs being 'nutritionally devoid' and 'not good for you' are bollocks.

Some times threads turn in to a game of Chinese whispers

Petite becomes worryingly thin.
Being too lazy to cook/make something becomes issues with food.
Being selfish and rude becomes broken home/relationship.

OP if you were talking about a 19 yo lad you would be told he is a teenager/they eat a lot/are lazy/selfish/make him pay more board.
I doubt you would be told he is hurting/has food issues/your relationship needs work.

You know your DD better than anyone and you seem like a level head person. Tell her she is out of line and put her board up if she continues to eat food that is there for another family member or she starts buying DP a take away.

I do think that as she is an adult - and quite rightly wants to make her own food choices rather than being told what she is allowed eat as you might with a child - then she needs to understand that there are consequences . In this case, if she wants more meat in the evening meal to give her the option of second helpings later, then she needs to increase her financial contribution to the household. I would explicitly give her the choice.

However, given your later updates, it seems that it's probably not just about being hungry or issues around dieting - there may be an underlying resentment of the 'interlopers'.

This is something we would have done as teenagers (admittedly, younger than the OP's daughter as we'd left home by 19), and it drove my mum mad. We'd wander past the stove and pick out all the 'good bits' from what was cooking: meat chunks from the curry, or salami from the homemade pizza. It's piggish and a bit selfish. There doesn't have to be some deep-seated psychological thing going on.

OP, I think you should sit your daughter down when you're not already mad with her, and tell her what you've said on this thread: that you find it selfish and disrespectful, and that you are not willing to either put up with it or cook more. Maybe suggest to her that she chips in some extra and you can have snacks that she prefers on hand for her (maybe in her own cupboard) that she can pick at if she is actually hungry. As a last resort, you might have to resort to saying fine, I'll reduce your rent/board payment, but I'm not cooking for you anymore. (Last-ditch option). She's 19, not 14; she's an adult, and she needs to show you and your DP some adult-to-adult respect.

Inertia I'm only telling her she can't eat dp tea! She can eat what ever else she wants. She is NOT allowed to some ones tea. I can't understand why some people that that is reasonable thing to do for a 19 year old.

flossy bizarre is it

koala I'm going to. But she only pays £25 a week /£100 a month when she earns £13000 a year. She hasn't any other out goings.

Hmmm...that's not much at all.

How about going the other direction and telling her that you're putting it up to 40 quid, or whatever, because you need to make bigger dinners to compensate for her picking at DP's!

I was like your DD once. What it was for me was jealousy. I loved my stepdad and my new baby sister but felt my mum loved them more and gave them the best bit of beef or the crispiest chips so I'd sneak around and pinch them or 'help' cook and swap them. I felt more worthy of them, for some reason. I was a bit younger though, and when I was older, on my days off college, and making meals for when everyone else got home, I'd make sure I got the best looking bits of everything on this same, baffling principle I never got caught though so it carried on til I moved out.

I'd take the best hotel beds, most full looking bag of pick 'n' mix, the '99 with the most sherbert, everything and anything I could control, I would because I felt I'd get second best otherwise. All in my head, of course, all totally selfish after being a spoilt only child of a single mum for years.

Could she feel the same? She reckons he gets more meat in his tea, or her sister gets the nicest looking sausage so she swipes them and hopes nobody notices? Don't pander to it, it's still pure selfishness and entitlement, I can even admit that, but definitely have words. It needs to stop, and it's an awful way to feel, too.

She sounds selfish and I'd be putting her board up considerably. She's being hugely disrespectful to you and other family members and it sounds as though you're fully aware of that.

claire she is exactly the same. You might have a point.

koala I might do! She is paying so little as she wants to save to go travelling with her bf around Asia.

Meh to be wizzing round on a moped touring tropical climates.... Who'd wanna do that ey......!

I think she is playing a power game with you - how far she can go and you still give in.

I would up her rent to cover the cost of additional food OR tell her she needs to buy her own food.

She is likely then to turn the power games onto something else - and she targets your husband? She may be experimenting with power over men or proving she can do it and doesn't get punished and you get wound up and suffer impotent rage - this places her at number 1 female in your house.

You and your DH need to unite in a strategy to deal with her behaviour, it will escalate if you do and you have to be prepared for that. then it should calm down if you are consistent and don't let her get away with anything.

Half-hearted "trying to deal with it" by saying you are upset will just mean she does even worse things.

Also, if she lies, call her on it. You can say "I'm sad I seem to have raised an inconsiderate little liar" but you and your DH must unite. If he lets her do this stuff, she'll keep doing it. That's what exploitative people do - they find people they can exploit.

So she's moved back home so you can subsidise her travel plans? And will she give up her job? Will she expect you to support he financially when she returns?
It sounds as though her current behaviour might be the tip of a massive iceberg if you don't put your foot down.

So she's moved back to save money for a holiday!

Pays virtually nothing & eats other folks meals.

Not on at all.

I'd keep taking the £100 & tell her she needs to buy her own food from now on.

She'd still be onto a good thing!

sooty one of my biggest regrets is not traveling and enjoying my youth. I had dd1 at 16 so it put the kabosh on anything like seeing the world ect..

I want her to experience I never had the chance to so I'm supporting that. She will give her job up, she had three years training in that field and hopefully will rejoin the rat race when she gets back. Yes I will help her when she returns.

I paid more than that when I was earning less than that on my placement year and lived with a friend of the family - meals, washing included. I paid £30 a week.

I pulled my weight round the house and helped out with cooking, cleaning etc.

This was in 1997/98!!!

She has it easy - agree with the takeaway suggestion or get her to make her own food every day.

It's great that you're helping her follow her dreams, but you're charging her so little that she doesn't really value it, I think.

Tell her that if she doesn't pull her head in, you're upping it to 50.

She's got you exactly where she wants you evidently.

It doesn't sound as though her behaviour will be changing any time soon while you continue to enable it.

OK, here is what you do.

Plate up the meals (inc dps). Make an extra one. Sprinkle chilli sauce/powder over it (but don't let her know)

Hide your dps (the non-chilli one) and leave the spare on the work top. She will pinch the chilli spare one, freak out, but your dh will have a meal & she will have hopefully learnt a lesson.

Of course, this means a little wasted food & I wouldn't normally advocate doing this, but she is being very rude & entitled.

She is old enough to know better, to ask for more if still hungry, to cook herself something or buy herself some snack type food.

she may genuinely be hungry .my three sons eat at least two people,s portions each for every meal .and they are all thin .try making her more for her main meal .then maybe she will leave the rest alone .