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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be pissed off dd1 keeps eating dp tea!

305 replies

Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 21:09

She is 19 for god sake!

She has hers when she gets in from work around 7:15pm . She has probably quite a large meal for some one her size (she is very petite) finishes it all off then with in an hour or so I can hear her in the kitchen faffing about looking for food.

Recently she has taken to taking food off dp plate as he gets in at 9:30 ish.

She knows it's left for him And I tell her to leave it alone. I didn't plate his up tonight (did a beef curry) I heard her come down stairs and go in the kitchen. I heard the lid off the pan lift up, I told her to leave his bloody tea alone, then a few seconds later I heard her put it back and go back upstairs.

Just been in to check and she had took all the fucking meat out of it bar one shitty morsel!

If she gets hungry she knows she can make toast or cereal but to be taking his food - when she knows it's for him and that's all there is pissing me off.

I've just been up and told her off - she said she only had a tea spoon full Hmm

I don't know what her problem is.

Angry Angry

OP posts:
HibiscusIsland · 28/08/2014 23:08

As she doesn't want carbs, could she have snacks like ham, cheese, chicken, baked beans, eggs, nuts available rather than toast and crumpets? She could contribute to the cost if it would be beyond the budget.

Original poster
Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 23:10

twizzle ion one respect she is very independent . She has just moved back home from living with her bf. They have moved back home to save up for travelling next year. So in that way she is and I've seen her flourish .

But the min she walks through our front door, she is back to being ten years old.

OP posts:
Marmiteandjamislush · 28/08/2014 23:11

Bulimia is a MH issue.

Original poster
Anotherchapter · 28/08/2014 23:11

hib tbh we have most of those in most of the time. She would rather pick of dp plate.

OP posts:
ChillySundays · 28/08/2014 23:12

My worry with your suggestions HibiscusIsland is that without carbs to go with the ham etc you need a lot of ham etc. My DS is lazy and can't be bothered to make a sandwich bit will sit there and eat a packet of ham because it is easier. It is very expensive and I doubt my DC woudl want to pay that extra cost

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 28/08/2014 23:22

latte I can absolutely say when she has eaten enough when she devoures a large plate of food

See - I don't think it's right to tell another adult how much they are allowed to eat.

And if she doesn't want the carbs then she can go and buy herself extra food. But won't. She would rather spend it on a new handbag

Does she think - 'I'm paying board, why should I have to buy my own food as well'. I'm not saying she's right, just asking if that's how she might feel? She's 19, still at that inherently me me me stage of her life, especially if she is your PFB

How long was it just the two of you for?

OldRaver - I agree, it's fair enough to say 'You have had your fair share of xyz' if people are having to budget tightly, but to simply say 'you have eaten enough' to a 19 year old??

Also, she doesn't want to eat the nutritionally devoid carbs. I can't find fault in that.

HibiscusIsland · 29/08/2014 01:18

Could you put your husband's meal covered in the fridge for him to heat later but leave out the protein stuff I mentioned on the table after dinner for her to pick at? (Not all of it at once!) If she is skinny and diets during the day it doesn't sound like she is overeating, so she may genuinely need more food after dinner.

Original poster
Anotherchapter · 29/08/2014 07:12

She has just done it again with dd2 breakfast.

I've cooked scrabbled and sausage for dd2 and as she walked past on her way out if the house she swiped half a sausage.

There is plenty of stuff in for breakfast. She just can't be arsed making anything and feels she can take anybody else's.

Need to have a proper chat with her. Angry

OP posts:
KoalaDownUnder · 29/08/2014 07:29

LatteLover, of course you can tell another adult she's had enough to eat out of the family's shared food! If she wants to buy extra out of her own money and eat it, that's another thing.

Also, carbs are not 'nutritionally devoid'. I'm so tired of people peddling this nonsense that it's better to eat entire packets of meat than to touch a 'carb' (btw, tons of foods contain carbohydrates; it's not as simple as simple as carbs vs fats/protein).

FurryDogMother · 29/08/2014 07:36

I'd be tempted to leave an empty plate out for her tonight at 7.15, and when she asks where her dinner is, tell her that 'someone else ate it' - as a way of introducing this little chat you need to have with her.

It's really about manners and consideration for other people rather than a food issue, I feel.

whois · 29/08/2014 08:04

She sounds rude and unthinking. It's pretty horrible to take someone else's dinner.

I think it's very precious to not want to eat carbs but to eat all of the meat out of your DPs curry. If she is hungry after a nutritionally balanced meal, she can make herself beans on toast or egg on toast or something.

Not sure what I'd do. You've already talked to her nicely, shouted, she just doesn't seem to give a shit.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 08:10

KoalaDownunder

of course you can tell another adult she's had enough to eat out of the family's shared food! If she wants to buy extra out of her own money and eat it, that's another thing

Yes, they are two different things. You have had enough to eat and you have had your 'share' of x. The OP has told her DD she has had enough to eat because she thinks her portion of food is 'enough'. I think if her DD is still hungry, then she hasn't had enough to eat. The obvious solution (to me) is to cook more of the meal so it is there if her DD wants it. Not to tell her to fill up on nutritionally devoid carbs.

Also, carbs are not 'nutritionally devoid'. I'm so tired of people peddling this nonsense that it's better to eat entire packets of meat than to touch a 'carb'

Bread, crumpets, toast, cereal - none of those are very good for you and if her DD doesn't want to 'fill up' on them, well, good on her.

btw, tons of foods contain carbohydrates; it's not as simple as simple as carbs vs fats/protein

I'm very aware of the carb count in food thanks and you can be as 'fed up' of people being aware of the way they eat as you like, it doesn't make it wrong.

LatteLoverLovesLattes · 29/08/2014 08:16

Anyway - carb debate aside.

anotherchapter - we don't know your DD, you do. Do you think this is about her being resentful of DP and DD2, even if she likes/loves them, is there any chance this is her wanting you to prove she is your number one person as she was before DP and DD2 came along?

I know what you said about the pillow - that's a bit off and frankly she shouldn't have taken either DP or your pillow surely? She either finds another one or gives her to her guest.

So are all the 'selfish' things she does 'against' them?

If your DP cooked dinner while you were out and left a meal plated up for you - would she do the same??

If that was your breakfast and not DD2's would she do the same?

... and yes, if you brought her up to be able to help herself to what she wanted and off of your plate, you probably do need to hold your hands up a bit here. On the other hand, she is 19 and should be able to change her habits/way of thinking.

Inertia · 29/08/2014 08:20

Her behaviour isn't acceptable. She is driving home the point to you that her whims outrank everyone elses' s food requirements. Why do you let her get away with it ? The issue of her taking your clothes and toiletries is another sign that you views you simply as her skivvy, only there to provide services and goods to which she can help herself.

Did she have / was she offered sausages and eggs ? If not , she is probably trying to make a point about dd2 getting something she didn't. If she had the same food and still took dd2's , I think there may some power/ control issue behind it , where she is either testing you to see what you'll let her get away with, or she is reinforcing the status heirarchy in the household with her at the top and you as domestic servant.

Icimoi · 29/08/2014 08:23

I'm increasingly Confused at the Mumsnet definition of controlling. I really cannot see how it is controlling to cook a normal portion of food for someone and expect them not to take another person's food if they are still hungry. If OP's daughter finds she normally is still hungry in the evenings after she has eaten, she has the option of buying and cooking her own extras given that she's working, and I've seen nothing suggesting OP would prevent her from doing that. She also has the option of eating more during the daytime - again OP isn't lifting a finger to control that.

2rebecca · 29/08/2014 08:24

Time to be firm with her and tell her that now she is an adult if she wants to live in your house she has to stop stealing other people's food. It is greedy and selfish. She has a job so if she wants extra food she can buy it or pay you more and you buy more.
If she wants free reign of all food in the kitchen she leaves and rents somewhere and can then stock her own kitchen and eat what she wants.
Same for helping herself to anything else of anyone else's.
I think children shouldn't be encouraged to eat off other people's plates. When mine were tiny we'd give them bits from our plates on their own plate but never encourage them to just take bits of someone else's food.

Mrsjayy · 29/08/2014 08:43

What koala said carbs are not evil its all bollocks imo peddled by the diet industry I had a tough time trying to tell dd that a little bit of bread wouldn't kill her but she is 21 I couldn't make her eat all I could do was provide food and anything different she wanted she bought herself

christinarossetti · 29/08/2014 08:44

My guess would be that she keeps herself under a very tight reign with regard to eating during the day at work, and then 'relaxes' in the evenings or when at home and let's herself 'break rules' ie who the food is for.

Ditto, behaving like an adult at work, and then a child with hazy boundaries at home.

Food she's taken from the pan or from some else's plate isn't really 'hers', so she doesn't need to feel anything about eating it.

This doesn't take away from the fact that this behaviour is rude and unacceptable. I would have a talk with her, taking the line that 'I wonder if there is something bothering you?' and letting her talk if she will, followed by 'There's something bothering me that we need to talk about...'

With a view to letting her know that her taking food is inconvenient, annoying and just not on for an adult, and that you're open to hearing about her troubles are.

What else does she do in the evenings? Most 19 year olds that I know are so busy on Social Media that they don't even go downstairs.

GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 29/08/2014 08:49

She's hungry because she's not eating enough Carbohydrate. It's the most filling bit of food. Protein isn't the same, especially if the amount is limited due to budget.

Thumbwitch · 29/08/2014 08:58

I have a suggestion that doesn't seem to have been made yet - how is her thyroid, has she had it checked? If she's eating as much as you say, and as often as you say, and is still very thin, then there's a minor possibility that she has an over-active thyroid.

Or she could just be an entitled madam with labradorian attitudes to food like my DH

Original poster
Anotherchapter · 29/08/2014 09:29

latte I can control the good she eats that's supposed to be shared through out the family and no I'm not making 'extra' just for her. If I do a pan of curry I'm not going to make gallons of the stuff just incase she wants seconds or thirds. Firstly Id have to buy a silly amount of meat to curb her appetite and we cant afford that and secondly I'm not bulk buying for one member of the family.

As you can see through my posts I'd not stopped her from making something else, separately. My issue is she needs to stop taking other peoples food.

Tbh I think it's a mixture of not eating enough through the day (sometimes) and still being hungry, thinking she is not actually eating that much as it's off other people plate and entitlement.

I'm really digging deep to see if it could be her exerting her status in the house and maybe there is a touch of that. We were alone for 14 years before dp came along. She was pretty much on a pedistool and spoilt.

OP posts:
Original poster
Anotherchapter · 29/08/2014 09:31

thumb I think it's your second choice although your first is something to think about

OP posts:
HibiscusIsland · 29/08/2014 09:33

Does she eat carbs as part of the big evening meal she has? Or does she avoid them in that too?

Original poster
Anotherchapter · 29/08/2014 09:34

chrisitin she is on her iPad in bed talking and generally faffing about like they do !

OP posts:
FlossyMoo · 29/08/2014 09:39

I really don't understand why some see this a control on your part OP Confused

You have already stated you are giving her an adult sized portion which she eats and then says she's 'stuffed' and she can help herself to other foods just not a meal that belongs to somebody else.

I think it is a mixture of: she controls what she eats all day, she is too lazy to prepare/cook something else and it is a power trip taking food from others.

This attitude will not endear her to others and she needs to understand socially people find this behaviour rude.

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