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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to be on my own at Christmas?

34 replies

periperisun · 27/08/2014 11:50

Sorry I know it's early.

Basically have had a bereavement this year. Last member of my family so obviously I will be alone.

But I don't want to spend it with friends and I know they'll offer.

How can I say NO and be polite

OP posts:
MrsDavidBowie · 27/08/2014 11:58

Sorry for your loss.

Just say that you appreciate their offer but would prefer yo be alone. Or that you've made other plans.
Its none of their business what you choose to do.

Davsmum · 27/08/2014 11:59

Tell anyone who asks you have already accepted an invitation from someone else?... but ideally - just tell the truth, that you want to be alone.

hiddenhome · 27/08/2014 11:59

Phone up two days beforehand and tell them you have a stinking flu infection and you can't possibly leave the house or receive any visitors.

Tell them you're going away to stay with kindly friends.

Just tell them that you need to be by yourself.

Sorry for your loss Thanks

MrsWinnibago · 27/08/2014 12:11

Tell them well in advance. Don't call a few days before as they may then think it best to check up on you. Promise them a phonecall but be firm. I am sorry for your loss and don't blame you at all.

Original poster
periperisun · 27/08/2014 12:11

Thanks. I don't want to lie and besides I don't see why I should - it's just I really don't like the pity invites.

So I guess i'm wondering how to stop people asking in the first place!

OP posts:
squoosh · 27/08/2014 12:22

I'm so sorry for your loss and can completely understand why you want to spend the day solo.

Just tell people you've made plans already and the plan is to be alone that day. To be honest though there is no way to stop people asking you to spend the day with them. Look on it as a kind invitation from people who clearly care about you.

Original poster
periperisun · 27/08/2014 12:25

I know it is but I don't want to be in a position where I have to keep saying no thank you. It isn't really kind either, people like to make themselves feel better but it does get really embarrassing after a bit .

OP posts:
BackforGood · 27/08/2014 12:32

Sorry for your loss.

Totally up to you, and, until your second post, I was agreeing with everything on the thread.
If you want to be alone, then that's fine, just make it clear.

But there are a lot of people in the world who would offer through kindness or just being a decent human being without wanting to make themselves feel better, and without an ounce of 'pity'. I do think you are being rude about these people.

thegreylady · 27/08/2014 12:33

Book to go away somewhere over Christmad.

twinjocks · 27/08/2014 12:34

I wouldn't make any decisions one way or the other at this point, with four months still until Christmas. You know that this is how you feel about this right now, but you may have changed your mind entirely in another few months. I would kick for touch if possible, say to those you ask you that you're just not in a place yet where you can think about the holidays. Surely they'll respect that request.

Original poster
periperisun · 27/08/2014 12:37

I used to spend Christmas alone anyway. It's a bit complicated.

People aren't kind. They aren't there on lonely Sundays, they can't be bothered to ask if you're ok, they don't care when it's your birthday but at Christmas they want to feel like the ghost of Christmas present and oh everybody look i'm such a good person inviting this poor pathetic lonely woman round.

Er - NO Grin

I don't want to go away I want to spend Christmas in MY home!

OP posts:
MargaretRiver · 27/08/2014 12:37

Ouch
Sorry for your loss, But don't take it out on other people, they are genuinely trying to help
No need to be so nasty

Original poster
periperisun · 27/08/2014 12:39

Margaret it's not meant nastily but honestly some people really won't take no for an answer and it's very stressful and embarrassing having to say no all the time.

And it's one day. Like I say - they aren't there any other time. Why should I have to accept an invitation to make them feel and look good?

OP posts:
CheeseToastie123 · 27/08/2014 12:43

Sorry for your loss.

I spend Christmases alone, I love it. Year before last I ran away to a shepherd's hut in Cornwall, last year I was at home, and this gear I'm running away to a cabin in the woods. Lovely stuff.

However, you seem to be angry at people who haven't even asked yet - is it really so hard to say 'that's kind, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing my own thing'? I don't want to leap to conclusions, but are you actually angry about something else? Have you been feeling unsupported by friends?

CheeseToastie123 · 27/08/2014 12:44

Ah. Cross post.

sunbathe · 27/08/2014 12:44

When they ask you, could you say you don't want to think about Christmas just yet, but you'd love to pop round/have them round one Sunday?

trashcanjunkie · 27/08/2014 12:48

Yes peri I understand perfectly. I spend christmas alone. I've done it for four years now. There is no fucking way I want to spend christmas sitting around other people pretending to be happy when inside my heart is broken. I said no to the offers form friends with the reasoning that I couldn't think of anything worse than having to sit smiling at their christmas dinner table when it was a lie. In fact, iirc the first year I kept it secret - if people asked what I was doing I was vague "oh, I'm not sure if I'm getting a turkey crown from waitrose or m&s, what are you doing?" - mostly people don't actually want to hear anyway, they just want to tell you their own stuff.

Original poster
periperisun · 27/08/2014 12:51

Thank you trashcan

I do understand.

The problem is the persistent invites are people you don't know well so it's doubly embarrassing and like I say it's not kind.

When you're fairly young and successful and all that suddenly realising people see you like a charity case is horrible .

OP posts:
Roussette · 27/08/2014 13:01

But are they seeing you as a charity case or is that just your perception because of other things?

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

My family Christmasses are very important to me, I wouldn't just ask anyone to join us unless I really meant it in a very genuine way. If I did ask anyone to come to Christmas here I would hate to think they would be imagining I think they are a charity case and I just do it to make myself feel good.

TalcumPowder · 27/08/2014 13:20

Don't lie. Tell them you are planning to spend Christmas by yourself. Repeat as necessary. I can't think how you can pre-emptively refuse invitations that haven't been issued yet, though.

Though I admit people can be very strange about solitary Christmases, though. Years ago, I sometimes spent lovely solo Christmases in a remote house in the west of Ireland, and was fending off invitations from virtual strangers who perceived this as the tragic solitude of a crazed, pathetic loner.

TalcumPowder · 27/08/2014 13:21

And I'm sorry for your loss, Roussette.

MargaretRiver · 27/08/2014 13:33

Sunbathe's suggestion is a good one

It's entirely fine for you to prefer to be alone, but there's no need to think that people have selfish motives for inviting you
They're probably just thinking about what they would want in similar circumstances, is all

Summerisle1 · 27/08/2014 13:57

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

This ^

My DM loved her own company at Christmas and even more so after her (really rather unpleasant) partner died. She was not at all lonely and had many good friends. She certainly didn't think she was a charity case either but equally, wanted to spend Christmas her way, at home, with the dogs and some very luxurious edibles! She didn't like to lie either so always thanked people for their kind invitations but said she'd already made plans. Which was true.

I'd honestly not assume ulterior motives here, OP but instead recognise that for some people, Christmas is a hospitable time that they wouldn't like anyone to experience alone. Christmas is an emotive occasion which is why people can have difficulty understanding that being alone is not evidence of unhappy solitude but actually a welcome alternative.

Just decline invitations in a non-committal way. But don't necessarily think badly of the people who offered hospitality.

Davsmum · 27/08/2014 14:28

If I am learning anything from this thread,..it is:
'do not ask anyone I know who has recently suffered a loss or who will be alone at Christmas, round to my house because they will think I am wanting to look good and I think they are poor and pathetic' !

There must be many people in that position who would love someone to invite them! Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone unless I really wanted them to come.

It is not difficult to say 'No' especially if you think the people asking are doing it for the wrong reasons! and it is certainly not unkind to turn down invitations you do not want to accept.
If people are offended then their intention was never good anyway.

HappyAgainOneDay · 27/08/2014 16:32

I will probably be alone this Christmas for the first time in my life. I know it's only August so there might be an invitation. There are three DSs and this will be the first time that none has offered by now. They probably think I'm going to one of them but not knowing which.

I cannot bring myself to ask one of them if I can be with him because (a) he might have something else up his sleeve (week away or something) and my request would guilt trip him into having me, not going away and then I would feel awful. The same would apply to the other two.

Neighbours would realise that I'd be alone and ask me round out of pity. I don't want any of that.

A friend was alone last Christmas and roast a chicken, potatoes etc, stuffing and rolled bacon and had a lovely time by herself (well, she said that she had a lovely time). I would have had her at my house but I was away at one of my DS's.

I'm not looking forward to being alone at Christmas but have every sympathy for the OP's position. OP, you have already made plans and don't have to tell others that it's to stay at home by yourself.