To want to be on my own at Christmas?

[periperisun]

Sorry I know it's early.

Basically have had a bereavement this year. Last member of my family so obviously I will be alone.

But I don't want to spend it with friends and I know they'll offer.

How can I say NO and be polite

[MrsDavidBowie]

Before I was married I had several Christmases on my own.
I loved it.
It was never my favourite time of the year and It still leaves me a bit cold.

[Primadonnagirl]

Tell people you are actually looking forward to it and have lots of treats planned.. That way they might actually believe it rather than think they are rescuing you and it's just that you are too polite to say you don't want to be alone!! I am sorry for your loss but I do understand what you mean..You could also say that spending the time alone will help you get over it and you find it comforting not upsetting?

[Xenadog]

I've had Christmas by myself and it was great as I made sure everyone knew in advance that this was my plan and I let them know that I was looking forward to it. I think this might be the way you can preempt the invitations from friends if that's what you want to do peri.

Have you considered volunteering as well? (I know it was mentioned up thread) I've done that and it was good fun. I Helped at a homeless shelter and ran the Christmas quiz amongst other stuff.ma humbling but really enjoyable experience.

I think the big problem with Christmas is that such a big thing is made over one day - and it is only one day. You don't have to have to do anything you don't want to but have your explanations prepared before you tell folks.

[Eleanor02]

A few years ago I spent Christmas day on my own - revising for upcoming exams. Neighbours had me in for a cuppa and a neighbourly chat broke up the day nicely. Peri - could you do a bit of both? Spend the day on your own - and make it interesting/enjoyable/peaceful/relaxing (whatever YOU want) as you can but touch base with others for an hour or two. I found it broke the monotony but I'd be quite happy without the invite.

Someone said she'd gone to a hut and was going to a cabin (or other way round). I love the idea of hiding places at a time like this!

This is a fab book (for Christmas or any other time of the year - on our own or with friends or family):www.amazon.co.uk/Places-Hide-Dixe-Wills/dp/1840467681/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1409166804&sr=1-1&keywords=dixie%20willis&tag=mumsnet&ascsubtag=mnforum-21

Any of his books are good - Tiny Islands - Tiny Stations.

I digress!

Cariads - a lovely post by the way.

[TheHorseHasBolted]

I'm married with children, but if I lived alone, I would dearly love to spend Christmas entirely alone. The religious celebration doesn't really mean anything to me and I just like the thought of escaping from all the hype at least once. Even though this is a purely hypothetical dream for me, I just know there would be people who wouldn't be able to cope with the thought of me being alone and would put pressure on me to join them, and yes, I think I would perceive it as interfering, even though they probably didn't mean it that way.

Could you claim you are going on a retreat?

[CariadsDarling]

Happy, for goodness sake :) , please phone one of your sons and ask which one of them you are going to this year.

Or if you are anywhere near me you are more than welcome. You won't be alone, I always have a house full of people at Christmas who aren't known to me because my children are inclined to bring whatever crew they are flying with on the day home with them if they fancy it. Thankfully they accept the invitation with the spirit its intended and a good time is had by all.

Or if you really dont fancy phoning your sons, and you live nowhere near me, how about you volunteer for the day if your health permits it, or put on a meal for some of your neighbours who perhaps may be old and lonely and needing the company?

Something like this would be great if you are in good health

www.crisis.org.uk/pages/volunteering-at-crisis-christmas.html

Or there is this

timebank.org.uk/christmas-volunteering

I hope it works out for you. :)

[Olddear]

Say 'thank you, that's very kind of you, but I'm choosing to spend the day quietly at home on my own'

[trashcanjunkie]

Well, I'll be here come christmas day - there was a chat thread for those alone I found last year. I'm going to have a full english breakfast with bucks fizz, and a really posh expensive turkey dinner with some kind of appallingly delicious pudding, and some really nice wine. I will walk my dog and watch a film and the queens speech. I will have a nice day despite everything, I just won't be made to jump through anybody else's christmas hoops. Peri we can meet for a virtual cuppa on the day if you like.

[periperisun]

It surely depends on how well you know them Davs. If it's a good friend fair enough but if it's someone you only 'sort of know' then yes I do think it's odd to be all over them like a rash at Christmas but no other time (not saying you do by the way!)

[HappyAgainOneDay]

I will probably be alone this Christmas for the first time in my life. I know it's only August so there might be an invitation. There are three DSs and this will be the first time that none has offered by now. They probably think I'm going to one of them but not knowing which.

I cannot bring myself to ask one of them if I can be with him because (a) he might have something else up his sleeve (week away or something) and my request would guilt trip him into having me, not going away and then I would feel awful. The same would apply to the other two.

Neighbours would realise that I'd be alone and ask me round out of pity. I don't want any of that.

A friend was alone last Christmas and roast a chicken, potatoes etc, stuffing and rolled bacon and had a lovely time by herself (well, she said that she had a lovely time). I would have had her at my house but I was away at one of my DS's.

I'm not looking forward to being alone at Christmas but have every sympathy for the OP's position. OP, you have already made plans and don't have to tell others that it's to stay at home by yourself.

[Davsmum]

If I am learning anything from this thread,..it is:
'do not ask anyone I know who has recently suffered a loss or who will be alone at Christmas, round to my house because they will think I am wanting to look good and I think they are poor and pathetic' !

There must be many people in that position who would love someone to invite them! Personally, I wouldn't invite anyone unless I really wanted them to come.

It is not difficult to say 'No' especially if you think the people asking are doing it for the wrong reasons! and it is certainly not unkind to turn down invitations you do not want to accept.
If people are offended then their intention was never good anyway.

[Summerisle1]

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

This ^

My DM loved her own company at Christmas and even more so after her (really rather unpleasant) partner died. She was not at all lonely and had many good friends. She certainly didn't think she was a charity case either but equally, wanted to spend Christmas her way, at home, with the dogs and some very luxurious edibles! She didn't like to lie either so always thanked people for their kind invitations but said she'd already made plans. Which was true.

I'd honestly not assume ulterior motives here, OP but instead recognise that for some people, Christmas is a hospitable time that they wouldn't like anyone to experience alone. Christmas is an emotive occasion which is why people can have difficulty understanding that being alone is not evidence of unhappy solitude but actually a welcome alternative.

Just decline invitations in a non-committal way. But don't necessarily think badly of the people who offered hospitality.

[MargaretRiver]

Sunbathe's suggestion is a good one

It's entirely fine for you to prefer to be alone, but there's no need to think that people have selfish motives for inviting you
They're probably just thinking about what they would want in similar circumstances, is all

[TalcumPowder]

And I'm sorry for your loss, Roussette.

[TalcumPowder]

Don't lie. Tell them you are planning to spend Christmas by yourself. Repeat as necessary. I can't think how you can pre-emptively refuse invitations that haven't been issued yet, though.

Though I admit people can be very strange about solitary Christmases, though. Years ago, I sometimes spent lovely solo Christmases in a remote house in the west of Ireland, and was fending off invitations from virtual strangers who perceived this as the tragic solitude of a crazed, pathetic loner.

[Roussette]

But are they seeing you as a charity case or is that just your perception because of other things?

For all you know, it is just a case of simply knowing you are on your own and being kind.

My family Christmasses are very important to me, I wouldn't just ask anyone to join us unless I really meant it in a very genuine way. If I did ask anyone to come to Christmas here I would hate to think they would be imagining I think they are a charity case and I just do it to make myself feel good.

[periperisun]

Thank you trashcan

I do understand.

The problem is the persistent invites are people you don't know well so it's doubly embarrassing and like I say it's not kind.

When you're fairly young and successful and all that suddenly realising people see you like a charity case is horrible .

[trashcanjunkie]

Yes peri I understand perfectly. I spend christmas alone. I've done it for four years now. There is no fucking way I want to spend christmas sitting around other people pretending to be happy when inside my heart is broken. I said no to the offers form friends with the reasoning that I couldn't think of anything worse than having to sit smiling at their christmas dinner table when it was a lie. In fact, iirc the first year I kept it secret - if people asked what I was doing I was vague "oh, I'm not sure if I'm getting a turkey crown from waitrose or m&s, what are you doing?" - mostly people don't actually want to hear anyway, they just want to tell you their own stuff.

[sunbathe]

When they ask you, could you say you don't want to think about Christmas just yet, but you'd love to pop round/have them round one Sunday?

[CheeseToastie123]

Ah. Cross post.

[CheeseToastie123]

Sorry for your loss.

I spend Christmases alone, I love it. Year before last I ran away to a shepherd's hut in Cornwall, last year I was at home, and this gear I'm running away to a cabin in the woods. Lovely stuff.

However, you seem to be angry at people who haven't even asked yet - is it really so hard to say 'that's kind, but honestly, I'm looking forward to doing my own thing'? I don't want to leap to conclusions, but are you actually angry about something else? Have you been feeling unsupported by friends?

[periperisun]

Margaret it's not meant nastily but honestly some people really won't take no for an answer and it's very stressful and embarrassing having to say no all the time.

And it's one day. Like I say - they aren't there any other time. Why should I have to accept an invitation to make them feel and look good?

[MargaretRiver]

Ouch
Sorry for your loss, But don't take it out on other people, they are genuinely trying to help
No need to be so nasty

[periperisun]

I used to spend Christmas alone anyway. It's a bit complicated.

People aren't kind. They aren't there on lonely Sundays, they can't be bothered to ask if you're ok, they don't care when it's your birthday but at Christmas they want to feel like the ghost of Christmas present and oh everybody look i'm such a good person inviting this poor pathetic lonely woman round.

Er - NO

I don't want to go away I want to spend Christmas in MY home!

[twinjocks]

I wouldn't make any decisions one way or the other at this point, with four months still until Christmas. You know that this is how you feel about this right now, but you may have changed your mind entirely in another few months. I would kick for touch if possible, say to those you ask you that you're just not in a place yet where you can think about the holidays. Surely they'll respect that request.