to want the mother of my child to email me a response?

[genericeric]

I became a Dad to a beautiful boy last August. although the situation is not how i planned, i am proud to have become a father even though my visits are limited to once a month. He was changed my life for the better.

I need to explain that she is in the Midlands and i am in east Anglia, i was living in the same city as her but moved away before she became pregnant (still meeting up)

Me and his mother were FWB. We got pregnant and i told her i did not want a relationship but would support my son. We agreed to raise him together as friends.

soon after his birth things went south. Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

1. double barrelled surname (agreed then changed her mind)
2. visiting his grandparents (as above)
3. allowing me time alone with him (as above)
4. getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

as well as not keeping her promise she is also starting to say some very nasty things to me. not only are the totally untrue (and can be proven with text messages) It's quite obvious that she is trying to become an obstacle between me and my sons relationship.

last week i asked for her email address. I informed her that i will be sending her emails with all these requests i have made and that she can reply in her own time.

in my opinion this is the only way that i can get cast iron evidence that i am trying to make the effort and she is not letting me.

she has refused to do this.

i made the decision last week to find work and move back to the same city as her with the intention of taking a hands on role in my sons life. It wont happen overnight i know that.

So my question is .........

Am i being unreasonable to ask my childs mother to email me a response to my requests?

would you be receptive to the idea?

would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?

have i opened up a can of worms?

any advice would be much appreciated.

Eric

I have made many friends on forums (male and female)

I have no ulterior motive, just wanting advice.

How come it took you a year to decide to move back to the city to play a more active role in your son's life?

Are you on the birth certificate?

i was angry with her and the situation i find myself in.

yes i am

just wanting advice

Stop and think about that.

Do you want advice or do you just want someone to validate your point of view?

If you want advice, read back through the thread, filter out the responses from the posters who were wound up by your response to Apocalypse and listen to the messages in the constructive posts.

So far you don't seem to have listened to anything at all.

I think OP could be genuine but naive to protocol on here. OP. Maybe namechange.And repost in relationships. And try not to be as defensive.

This thread won't end well for you...

OP would you mind summarising the advice you've received so far?

It sounds like you are both dealing with a lot of resentment and anger from the situation.

Whilst understandable to a degree, you and his mum need to work together for your son's sake - stop making demands, ask how she thinks things can progress, communicate with each other.

Nobody wins when two parents are at war, least of all the child.

How do you think she feels?

If you are in text contact, why do you need an email address too? Can you understand that it may feel to her like yet another avenue to harrass her by?

Why have your parents not once in a year made the effort for the day to go and visit? Have you no family/friends/farmhands/relief milkers who could be coralled/paid to do the necessary for one day? If not, you should think of putting that in place as soon as you can, if not for the sake of your son then just for the sake of your parents. If some one or other of them took very unwell how would the businesses cope?

maths he confirmed earlier that he is on the BC.

generic if you just wanted advice why post in such an abrasive hostile way, can you think of any reason why pretty much every person on the thread has either picked up on how you have communicated or urged you to rethink your approach and outlook?

mate,

I’ve been as honest as i can and it's being thrown back in my face/ screen.

And you do really need to contact a solicitor.

She doesn't know your family that well - she couldn't you were FWB. You and she aren't getting on (clearly) and you think it's a good idea for her to do a 6 hour round trip and stay with you and your family whilst you schlep the baby round all the aged rellies?

Honestly? Can't you see that that is unfair?

Your attitude on her sucks and has got right up my nose. (And others too)

If you're like that in RL then I'm not a bit surprised she's pissed off.

You might want to have a think about that.

You're 'proud' of being a father? Hate to break it to you but popping in to see your child once a month does not a father make.
Expecting unsupervised access at this stage is unrealistic and unfair on the child, you're virtually a stranger to him and that would undoubtedly cause him distress.
Do you want to distress your child?
If you're serious about being a 'father' then you need to build up a relationship with him very gradually and most importantly prove to his mother you are trustworthy. At the moment you simply don't know your child and how to care for him.
Oh and probably best not to be disrespectful to his mother.
I would have blanked your list of demands email too. She is the one doing all the hard work, you're really not in a position to be making demands.
Try being reasonable and putting the interests of your child first. You might actually get somewhere.

mn is not that type of forum. Generally speaking, posters don't tend to reach out in that way. It isn't usual for someone to join, post for an hour and get phone numbers and off board rl contact. We have usernames and many of us protect our anonymity. Every site has its own way of working. On some sites people use their real names and stuff, and have much more rl/virtual crossover. MN is not like that for the most part. And certainly not instantly. If you haven't posted here before, you won't be aware of that. Most people prefer to remain anonymous and someone joining and attempting to get phone numbers is not the way things are normally done here, that is why many people are feeling uneasy about it.

tbf the OP has been given good advice. This thread only became odd when he felt the need to share his age, profession and then requested people phone him

This thread won't end well for you

That's not really very fair at all. It would be incredibly easy for the op to ensure this thread ends very well. Actually take on board what's being said be more honest with himself.

Stop calling posters 'mate' and 'pal', it comes across as aggressive and discourteous.

As other posters have said: Visit a solicitor, get an access agreement formalised and focus on your son NOW, not when he's 17.

I think it's odd for a man to offer his number to women too!

And I think you have already received good and appropriate advice which you can act upon if you choose. There is little to be gained by scrapping at this point.

As said, if he wanted to talk to women online sure there's sights for that kinda stuff whereby he wouldn't need make up/ share a lengthy personal problem regarding his son.
I wasn't having a dig.
Promise

please don't launch an attack

That is a seriously antagonistic way of posting on a mostly female forum, pal, guys, mate!

Thanks for the giggle.

Should you be serious try rethinking your currently quite odious communication skills. You really MUST remember to modify your tone to suit your audience, or you will be soundly rebuffed on a monotonously regular basis.

I fear there is little hope for the OP. He is incapable of bringing down his shields enough to hear any of the advice offered.

No doubt someone will eventually say something he wants to hear and he will home in on that, declare himself vindicated and carry on his own sweet way.

this is the way i write. It may come across as abrasive but it's not intended.

when we were FWB we would text every two weeks to arrange to meet in another couple of weeks. that was it.

I knew i never wanted to be with her but we enjoyed each others company. I never lead her on. I don’t do things like that (believe me or not) I was always straight down the line with her.

on one of my visits her friend was saying how was waiting until she was on holiday with her bf to tell him he was pregnant (on the phone in the other room) my sons mum thought it was a brilliant idea.

OP would you mind summarising the advice you've received so far?