to want the mother of my child to email me a response?

[genericeric]

I became a Dad to a beautiful boy last August. although the situation is not how i planned, i am proud to have become a father even though my visits are limited to once a month. He was changed my life for the better.

I need to explain that she is in the Midlands and i am in east Anglia, i was living in the same city as her but moved away before she became pregnant (still meeting up)

Me and his mother were FWB. We got pregnant and i told her i did not want a relationship but would support my son. We agreed to raise him together as friends.

soon after his birth things went south. Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

1. double barrelled surname (agreed then changed her mind)
   
2. visiting his grandparents (as above)
   
3. allowing me time alone with him (as above)
   
4. getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)
   
   as well as not keeping her promise she is also starting to say some very nasty things to me. not only are the totally untrue (and can be proven with text messages) It's quite obvious that she is trying to become an obstacle between me and my sons relationship.
   
   last week i asked for her email address. I informed her that i will be sending her emails with all these requests i have made and that she can reply in her own time.
   
   in my opinion this is the only way that i can get cast iron evidence that i am trying to make the effort and she is not letting me.
   
   she has refused to do this.
   
   
   i made the decision last week to find work and move back to the same city as her with the intention of taking a hands on role in my sons life. It wont happen overnight i know that.
   
   So my question is .........
   
   
   
   Am i being unreasonable to ask my childs mother to email me a response to my requests?
   
   would you be receptive to the idea?
   
   would you show these emails to your child in 17 years time?
   
   have i opened up a can of worms?
   
   any advice would be much appreciated.
   
   Eric

[Fairenuff]

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

No. She absolutely does not have a responsibility to you or your family. That is a fact.

Seriously, get legal advice.

[DoYouThinkSheSawUs]

She may be unreasonable, but we don't have her side of things to fairly judge.

We can judge on your manner and attitude on how you are posting however, and you sound a bit of a dick to me. I suspect you are rubbing her up the wrong way and she is probably knackered, sleep deprived, and pissed off. You need to make requests nicely from someone bringing up a baby all alone without anyone to help share the night wake ups etc.

Also, she may have agreed stuff before birth not knowing how she would feel about it when her child was really here. I was adamant my child would be left in crèche while I went to the gym and with grandparents while I did my sport. Didn't happen and I have even now only left her for work at 3 yo, and now have dd2 10 months who I have never left....

[NigellasPeeler]

"does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?"

well not me anyway = weren't you sprauncing around at a festival when you could have been spending time with your son?

[Vivacia]

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family?

I think she probably has enough responsibilities on the go at the moment.

[Fairenuff]

Oh, I don't think he meant that, math, I just think he was trying to show that he was as responsible as her for the unplanned pregnancy.

[genericeric]

thank you for standing up for me fairenuff.

because he is my son and has the right to know about his family and culture?

[mathsgsceresit]

Fairenuff - ah I see. I read it as diminishing of the role of his exFWB in the pregnancy.

[TheHomicidalPowerOfaTypo]

Surely both parents have a right to spend time with this child as well as their families? How is the child going to feel knowing that he didn't have a relationship with his paternal family because two adults couldn't manage to be reasonable with each other?

OP, keep the attitude in check when communicating with her. Cut her some slack. But equally, she has to facilitate you and your family having contact in a way that is best for the child.

[genericeric]

FYI - she lives with her parents.

[KeemaNaanAndCurryOn]

She's basically a lone parent, looking after a child 24/7 except when she's in work, earning money to support said child. Her life will be exceptionally busy, and probably quite stressful. I know you'll be paying maintenance, but the reality is that she'll be paying more for his upkeep than you.

You see your child once a month and are griping about making the effort to go there, rather than expecting her to come to your family.

You can't work out why she's being "difficult".

Really?

[mathsgsceresit]

OP that's for you to do, not her.

She has absolutely no responsibility to your wider family. thank fuck because my ex's family are a shower of wankers If you want your son to know about your family and culture then you have to get that happening.

Are you on the birth certificate? Have you seen a solicitor previously?

[genericeric]

cheers pal

[Bambamboom]

I'd have this moved to relationships op. Aibu tends to be a place for debates, venting and slagging matches, I don't think you'll get far here.

[Goldmandra]

Apocalypse is right.

The key to you having a relaxed, healthy relationship with your DS is working out what the underlying problem is.

You say she is trying to obstruct your relationship but you also say that she wasn't happy that you didn't use all your annual leave visiting him. This therefore isn't necessarily just about her wanting you out of his life. Her excuses for not wanting to bring him to meet his family are not reasonable but they aren't the real reasons are they? Are they are excuses to justify not wanting to be around you or your family? Why does she feel the need to do that?

How would she feel if she did bring him to meet your family and friends? Staying with people she doesn't know and being dragged from house to house while the baby is paraded in front of numerous friends and relatives doesn't sound like much fun to me.

You need to be honest with yourself about whether your behaviour has contributed to the situation and, if so, make amends or explain how you propose to change things for the better. You can go to court and have contact set in stone and you may come to an agreement beforehand through mediation which would be slightly better but the best situation for your DS is you two working it out between you.

At the moment you are trying to collate evidence against her and making plans to poison her DS against her with it in 17 years time. That isn't the best attitude to have if you want to work in partnership with her.

What can you do to turn this around and help her to recognise her DS's right to have contact with his father and build relationships with the rest of the family?

does anyone think she has a responsibility to me and my side of his family

No. Contact is about the child's rights to have relationships with his family. She does have a responsibility to enable him to do that as long as it is in his best interests.

[genericeric]

are you all meeting in real life any time soon?

[ClashCityRocker]

I think you need to work on establishing a routine so that you and your son can have a relationship before trying to sort things with the grandparents.

Why do you only see him once a month? Is that your choice, her choice, or do circumstances dictate that it is impossible to see him more?

I can see why, assuming the baby is only a year old, she doesn't want to send her child off with someone who's spent a grand total of twenty days with him. I can also see why she doesn't want to stop at your grandparents house - i wouldn't want to stop at an ex's parents, even if I wasn't in a 'proper' relationship.

Scrap 1 and 4. You're unlikely to get anywhere and just create more animosity.

Spending time alone with you is a bit of a tough one - do you mean overnight, or a few hours? certainly whilst I'm sure all you want is to spend as much time as possible with your son, it probably isn't in his best interests to take him away from mum if he doesn't know you that well, particularly overnight. Would she be amenable for you taking him for a walk, then increasing the time spent 'on your own'. Of course you have a right to see him without her being present, assuming there is no history of abuse etc.

Finally, I would recommend you speaking to a solicitor.

Just a point - it seems to be YOU emailing her making demands. The tone of your posts comes across as, well, snarky and quite patronising, and if I received an email in similar tones, I can't see it going well.

Have you tried asking your sons mother how she wants things to progress, it may open up communication between the two of you a bit better than making demands.

Good luck!

[cruikshank]

I agree that all this talk of showing emails to a 17 year old is a bit fucking weak. Concentrate on the baby as he is now, and take steps to play an active part in his life - it sounds as if that's quite enough to be going on with, given that you don't appear to be handling even that. Worry about what he thinks of you aged 17 when he is 17.

[Vitalstatistix]

With the best will in the world - it doesn't matter what we think because we aren't her.

Supposing we all said yes, we think she has a responsibility... what would that matter? Really? You can hardly say that you consulted women on the internet so now she has to do x, y, z.

You are the father of a child. You have responsibilities and the child has the right to a relationship with you. If you are being denied that, then you need to go to court and have everything formalised. And pursue it legally further if she does not comply.

but while the baby is little, you are going to have to accept that you will have to go there. That's just often the way it is with small babies. Your family may have to travel in the short term, or make do with skype or photos or videos, as many do.

My children are 14 and 15 and only met most of their father (my husband) family for the first time last month. They live in kenya. The relationship has mostly been virtual.

You have to do the best with what's available.

You are going to have to pick your battles.

Just make sure you see your son. Make sure you are a good presence in his life and one he deserves. Everything else can be sorted later.

[PhaedraIsMyName]

She has no responsibility or obligations whatsoever to you or your family and neither have they any rights over her or her son.
You have an obligation to contribute towards his financial support.

If they want to see him they should make the effort to visit.

[genericeric]

if anyone would like to have a conversation with me about this over the phone i would happily give you my number so you can hear that i have my sons best intentions at heart.


any takers?

[sashh]

Everything we agreed on she has not followed through:

Then you say

getting christened (i refused but she stated the church only needs one parents consent)

How did you agree on this if you 'refused'?

it is a lot easier for my son and her to visit us than it is to visit them

For who? Certainly not for her. As for it being 3 hours away, what soet of grandparent doesn't make that trip before their gc is 1?

I have to say I have a lot of sympathy with her not wanting to take a baby on a 3 hour journey to stay at her ex's parents place. And if you can't see why that might be difficult you need to do some serious thinking.

[Bambamboom]

I get nervous about posting on AIBU in fear of keyboard bashing abuse for various reasons, you op are a brave man
Good luck!

[Vitalstatistix]

no thanks.

I don't think that is encouraged tbh. You are likely going to have the thread reported for that.

It is not wise to give out your number to strangers. You don't know us and we don't know you.

You would be better served phoning a solicitor or the CAB as you can be assured that they will be able to give you accurate advice.

[Castlemilk]

Yes to the above.

'Every single minute of her life - emotionally, physically and financially'.

I don't think you are really appreciating that. And as others have said, whether you like to hear this or not, the fact is that if you speak to her in the tone you've taken here, I would also have told you exactly where to go.

It's obviously good that you are paying maintenance. But you do realise that that committment/effort is a drop in the ocean compared to actually having a baby? Having them with you, every day, all the time? I'm sorry, but 'raising him together' and 'no intentions of moving back permanently but would visit once a month' are utterly incompatible sentences.

You are not raising him together. There is no way on earth that I would double-barrel my child's surname with that of a father who intended to visit once a month and at the same time started making various rather pompous sounding demands regarding him.

I think what this is showing you - and I hope this thread will help - is that there is more than genetics and a monthly cheque involved before you can truly expect a child to be regarded as 'yours'. Here's my advice. Move back and start taking on some of the real burdens and committment involved in 'raising' a child. Slowly, dependably, and making it clear that you are making some effort to understand the massive upheaval she has gone through. Stop the 'my child' this and that - until she has seen you be inconvenienced, spend time, go out of your way, basically be a parent - it really isn't your child in anything but name. Make part of that committment working on your attitude towards her, and tell her so. She's had this baby. She's been there with this baby every second of its life so far - a whole year. She won't have been able to do so much as eat a meal or go to the loo without considering his whereabouts and situation. Right now, it's her baby. Recognise that, because you will get absolutely nowhere by trying to bully her.

[Vivacia]

It's not us you have to convince OP.