aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

[jellybelly701]

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

i think being a sahm is harder .because you are in all day .routine bloody boring .if you were working i think your partner would probably help more at nights and weekend .someone else is looking after and picking up after your child most of the day.saying that i loved being a sahm when my 3ds were little .

Go to Pets at Home and get some spray to get rid of any fleas and their eggs that are lurking in your house.

and while this is not the main topic here, yes, you need some flea spray - the ones you see now are just the next generation hatched from the eggs the first ones left. I have not heard of fleas jumping in from the outside.

Are you quite a gentle person generally, who'll ask for something but defer to the other person's opinion? Or are you so desperate to keep the relationship that he knows you'll take any amount of crap from him? I wonder this because the few time my DH has attempted to suggest something unreasonable, I have got sufficiently cross that he dares not try that again! But then in our relationship, I've always been 'in charge' more. I love him to bits, but he's a kind, gentle person who's very happy to let me take the lead. If it was the other way around, I can see that he might end up behaving the way your DP does.

My cat brings in fleas from outside ....they can live in a garden etc...
As part of my constant battle against them one summer a couple of times I gave the cat a thorough flea comb and put it out and then grabbed it as soon as it came back in gave it another comb and I would find newly hatched fleas on her ...
They could be from a pet or from wild animals like hedgehogs...winter doesn't kill the eggs -they lie dormant and then hatch out in spring as larvae and then pupate and then wait until they are disturbed and emerge as adult fleas...why you will see them when you hang out washing etc cos you have disturbed them.
You can sprinkle things like diatomaceous earth outside - or get chemical treatments...

Jelly - things sound really tough at the moment. Truthfully, no matter how much you love him and how many nice things he has done in the past, if he doesn't behave as if he loves you, then he isn't worth the space in your life.

Seriously, the reason I know DH loves me or that my parents love me or whatever, is because they act like they want to make my life better and easier and happier and I try to do the same for them. He is actually deliberately and knowingly and unreasonably making your life harder and he is acting as if you are a servant and he is your boss. The alarm clock, the orange, the snot on the floor - this stuff is way beyond minor laziness.

I'm at home at the moment with a 3 month old baby and I do what I can to get the house organised but I can't do everything. For a while, DH was leaving his clothes lying around and it bothered me so I told him. We moved the washing basket to a convenient place and now he puts his laundry away. Likewise, I told him it made me feel like a servant if he left dirty dishes sitting out, even if he was planning to do them later, and now he sorts them out straight away. Similarly, I try to do things to help him out and improve his life. Honestly, I think this is normal and I think you should expect the people who are supposed to love you the most to treat you with kindness and respect. If they don't, it says an awful lot about how they see you.

Jelly, you say this:
"B, I have really had enough of this. I don't want to LTB even with his faults I love him with all my heart. But things do need to change and I just don't know how to get that ball rolling. I've tried calm discussions I've tried not so calm discussions. I've tried telling him, I've tried asking him. I have begged and pleaded with him to see things from my perspective. I don't know what else to do."

You love him with all your heart, but how does he feel about you? He's not showing that he loves you, even respects you or likes you, is he? Why is he so content to treat you so badly and not even acknowledge your unhappiness? I wouldn't treat someone I loved like that, would you?

I don't think this is really about which is harder been a SAHP or working parent.

It more to do with your relationship. Clearly you don't see eye to eye and something drastic will need to happen before your DH is forced into a position to understand. What's you and your DH relationship like with your MIL? If his close to his mother maybe you can speak with her and get her to explain how difficult been a SAHP can be. Sometimes it takes a third party to get the point across. I am unsure whether anything you say at the moment will make an impact because you both sound like you have become entrenched in your views. You also sound like you need a break and maybe consider getting out the house a little more. Been stuck indoors day in/day out can be very depressing. I know you didn't like the M&B groups but maybe try to persist a little longer with them.

With regards your original question. Both situations are hard work but in different ways. However if I was really pushed to choose which is harder I would have to say working is more difficult. Been a SAHP to DD (7.5 months) can be tedious, repetitive, boring /mind numbing and early starts (5am every day for me at the moment) can be killers but it's not as stressful as my job is (on ML currently).

With regards cleaning, I tend to do it all because DH has a stressful job and travels/works long hours. I can't live with mess (bit OCD) so I clean/cook when DD goes to bed (7pm). By the time I am done it's normally 9ish and I then head off to bed. It would really stress me out to wake up to a mess. I do consider myself lucky though because MIL tends to have DD every Monday so I can have a break.

I hope you and your DH are able to resolves things. Having a baby really places relationships under a lot of strain and as many people have told me the first year is the hardest. Good luck op.

I don't want you to feel bad because if my post. I also have other support outside MIL so I know it's easier for me than other SAHP.

I'm so shocked by the boogie-flicking thing, and the business with the orange! That goes way beyond fair division of labour. He is treating you like a servant.

The situation with the alarms is selfish, selfish, selfish. I find it very difficult to go back to sleep once I've been woken, and putting up with this every morning would threaten my sanity.

If you have already sat him down and talked to him about this, and he's refusing to change, you need third-party intervention. A couples' counsellor, his mum, one of your friends...he needs to understand how serious this is.

he knows he means everything to me and that I would do anything in my power to keep this relationship.

This is a huge problem. You need to work on making yourself stronger: mentally, emotionally, financially. Once a man knows you will put up with almost literally anything to keep him, you're in a very vulnerable position.

Being a SAHP was at times so tedious despite get togethers with other families, trips to the park, walks, museums etc etc. I hated the feeling of being trapped. Managed it for 13 years until my youngest went to school, though (DH away working every week)

Your DP is behaving very badly.
It is entirely unreasonable, and, possibly abusive, to "check your work" and criticise you in this way.
Why have you moved so far from people?
Would you dream of complaining to him about his not earning enough money for all the things you would like?
Sleep deprivation is crippling me. i mean crippling me. My mood, my motor control, my cognitive funtioning. If my dh was torturing me with those alarms i would have bludgeoned him to death by now. Outrageous!

I work pt in a stressful job.
Being at home with the DCs is better but harder iyswim. Its relentless and undervalued (especially if your DP is an unsupportive twunt)
And that is with a cleaner.
I think you should talk to someone. He is grinding you down.
You are doing a very hard thing and doing it well.
HV? Womens aid?

Get him to sort out the flea problem. Are you bf? Best not to handle the chemicals.

I think it depends. Prior to having ds I was a junior doctor working 50+ hours a week, mostly on my feet ,including night shifts. Looking after one bfed baby was a holiday in comparison. Fast forward a few years, sitting on my bum in clinic vs running round after a 2 and 4 year old, work was a walk in the park- I got to drink coffee and have a lunch break.

If he wants his washing dive he should out his dirty stuff in the wash basket. Whether you are a SAHP has no impact on that. You aren't a maid or a mind reader.

It's very individual but for me being a SAHM was way harder. I found it mind-numbingly boring, frustrating and grindingly tedious. Life is much better now that I work and have a cleaner. It's not about how much I love my DC. It's about what you're good at as an adult and domestic chores are a weak point for me. I feel so much more in control of everything, including time well-spent with DCs this way. Of course there are down sides to any lifestyle choice but I'm clear that, overall, these are worth it for me.

I have already shortened my Maternity leave to go back 2 months earlier than initially planned because I know that in a few months time I will start feeling restless and probably bored. I would much rather spread my time between being at work some days and being at home on the others. Staying at home full time does not appeal at all!!

I have worked full time with 1 child, was a SAHM with 2 little ones and worked part-time. Staying at home was by far the hardest. The absolutely unrelenting demands for attention plus constant bloody housekeeping. Houses stay much tidier when you and the kids aren't home all day.

Tell your husband that only stuff in the laundry basket gets washed. Even my 6 year old can cope with that. On another subject fleas don't live in gardens they live on animals so I don't think drying outside is your problem.

Also OP - a good few weeks ago, after deciding I could no longer cope with my husbands laziness and mess, I just picked up our baby and walked out whilst DH was at work. The first he knew about me having left was when he came back from work and found I wasn't there. He phoned me and I explained in no uncertain terms that I had absolutely had enough and I was sick of being treated like his slave and I wasn't prepared to live my life like that.

It was the wake up call he needed because after I returned (4 days later after lots of apologies and promises on his behalf) things have improved so, so, so much!!

Your DH thinks you will just take it and never stand up for yourself so has no reason to stop the appalling way he treats you.

My DH also thought I'd never leave - and once he realised I was quite prepared to do it he accepted he had to change or I'd be gone permanently.

And for what it's worth my DH was absolutely nowhere near as bad as yours!!! Yours sounds like an absolute dick and I would have been out of there a very long time ago!!

Have just read the bit about the alarms properly You have got to be kidding! That's torture and I don't mean that figuratively. That alone would break anyone.

I find it much easier being a SAHM. I worked for an INGO and was out of the country 60% of the time, minimum. Long holidays and good pay, but that was including danger money. It was completely relentless and although I loved it and when the DC are older, would like to return to it, staying at home is so, so much easier even though it is very easy to get miserable. But it's also quite easy to not be miserable once the kids are at school, with volunteering and so on, as long as you go out and look for it. I've just started another job in the same field, but working at home, and I love it.

I am currently on mat leave (for the second time) and otherwise I work four full days per week. I find being at home boring so am out of the house a lot. Being at work and having that routine feels more productive but it's hard doing all the cleaning and organising around that which is tough especially when they are little. My dm cares for my dc when I am at work and it is a godsend having someone around to hang the washing up too as she is very houseproud. Your dh would get a shock to the system if/when you return to work as he wouldn't be able to use you being around in the day as an excuse to make a mess and not pull his weight.