aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

[jellybelly701]

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

Jelly, you don't owe him anything for what he has done for you in the past. That's not how healthy relationships work. He should have done that for you freely and without expecting anything in return, if he loves you.

I really think he needs a shock to understand what he is putting you through. I would arrange to go and stay with friends/family for a week without telling him, and then on the day you are planning to go, tell him what you are going to do and why. Tell him what he needs to do to remedy the situation.

so he was nice in the beginning of your relationship. Again, most men are. But ask yourself - what has he done for you lately?

nomontagues we are travelling back to our home city on Tuesday so spend a week at his mums, my friend has suggested I stay at hers for a few days while I'm there so I can get some much needed rest and headspace

hazel he is still nice now, really he is but his lack of consideration is starting to outweigh all that. He has been stressed and had a rough time with his boss at work so to some extent I can understand his POV.

Your thread isn't about which role is harder.its your boorish dh who flicks snot on floor
He lets fruit rot.knows its off,ignores it and tells you to snap to it!that's appalling
Ok so in past he been supportive,he needs to retain that.you cant remain eternally beholden.and recovery from a dark place well thats also about you,your fortitude

Youre not asking for overnight transformation from him,but he dies need ti be kind and respectful

Being stressed at work and getting grief from his boss is no excuse, really it isn't. It's childish and petulant to take this out on people who are nothing to do with it. He's within his rights to come home and moan to you about it, and to be in a bad mood about it, but not to behave exactly how he pleases with no consideration for anyone else.

Op your life sounds hard and I am not surprised you are fed up. The question as to what is the harder role is irrelevant: what matters is how you work together as a team. At the moment your DH does not support your role by putting his dirty dishes or clothes away, and yet he expects you to support his role by enduring his ridiculous alarm system.

Also you are so isolated. You need to find some baby and toddler groups to go to even if it in loves taking a taxi. Join ANYTHING in the village. Go to the park at the same times every day and at a time you have seen parents of children the same age there. Set yourself a target: smile at at least two people and by the end of next week have said something friendly about one of the other babies. That's how local friendships start.

I think you need to talk to your DH about working as a partnership. Tell him how it feels when he leaves his shit everywhere and unthinkingly expects you to pick up after him. And how ill lack of sleep makes you feel.

Does he get enough sleep? If he goes to bed after you and sets alarms from 5am?

Make a joint plan together as to how you can make your family work better for all of you.

And can you travel and spend a week with your Mum, sister or friend, to give yourself a change of scenery and respite?

If he's so great, why are you so unhappy with him? Him personally?

He might have some good attributes, but at core, is he a nice person who loves you? Because he sure as hell isn't behaving like one, and actions speak louder than words.

blu I've met other mums by the swings and engaged in friendly conversation but it never goes any further than that, I did go to two M&B groups, one was patronising due to my age and I simply didn't fit in at the other one. all the mums there already new each other and tended to speak amongst themselves so each time I ended up playing with DS by myself anyway which I can do at home without the hour long walk at 9am

DP and I go to bed at the same time. Unless he decides to have a late night shower, then I go to bed before him. 10-11pm is usually when we go to bed and we go to sleep about 30mins-1 hour later. I wake up during the night to tend to DS who falls back asleep just as the 5am alarms start. DP doesn't properly wake up until at least 7am if not later.

We are going to stay with his mum for a week after the bank holiday, all my friends and family live close by to MIL so I'm already booked up with visiting everyone which will be nice. everyone makes a fuss of DS and wants to play with him so I will manage to spend a full afternoon with both hands free and I wont have to jump around the room pretending to be a gorilla to entertain DS

sandiacre I'm about a 3 hours drive away but thank you so much for your lovely offer.

It can take a good long time to make friends at groups like this. I would keep going anyway just for a change of scene, and the walk is probably a good thing too.

I did make friends via groups like this, but it took a while. I'm not very social and I had to be a lot more chatty than I am normally comfortable with. You also sometimes have to make the first move, and not be put off if one person turns you down.

The time away with your friends and family sounds great. Hopefully it will help to see that your living situation can't go on as it has been.

This is nothing to do with whether working or SAHP is harder. There are too many variables in each role to be able to compare.

This is all to do with your DH being lazy and inconsiderate and treating you with no respect. It is not your role to pick up his dirty clothes from the floor or clear all his plates and rubbish from the night before. He is being totally inconsiderate with the alarm thing, especially as you are still waking up in the night with the baby.

Of course we only hear what you are telling us and you are not posting here about the great qualities he has, but still, he does not sound that nice to me.
This is what it sound like from the outside -
Does he respect you and your wishes, listen to your worries and complaints and take action where he can? No. He ignores that you are not sleeping and puts a 100 alarms on.
Does he try to make your life easier and nicer? No, he purposefully does not do even tiny, simple tasks (like throwing away that bloody orange!) just to make a point, to make more work for you. He makes a mess, leaving his clothes and dishes all over, expecting you to run after him like a skivvy.
Does he treat your work with respect? No, he thinks you're lazy and not doing enough. He, again purposefully, makes a mess, flicking boogers (yuck). I would bet he does not worry about his skids in the toilet much either?

I agree with others that it's not about who has it harder, but that this needs drastic action. You sound so tired and unhappy.

And that 2 hour wake up with 100s of alarms has to stop, that's bloody ridiculous! One alarm, set for the time when he actually needs up. All other alarms smashed with hammer, if necessary.

noble I am overall very happy with him. Its just this part of him I'm not happy with. If he corrected all the things I've mentioned here then our relationship would be amazing. Its just his lack of consideration and understanding that is holding us back, which is something that can be changed.

I am overall very happy with him. Its just this part of him I'm not happy with. If he corrected all the things I've mentioned here then our relationship would be amazing.

But the things you are talking about correcting are fundamental issues - consideration and respect. It's not like you're asking him to stop sniffing and just blow his nose, you're asking him to fundamentally change his character and the way he sees you and your relationship. Which you are obviously right to do.

Jelly, I find it hard to understand how you could be happy with him when there is such a basic level of disrespect. If my DP behaved the way yours did (and spoke to me in that way), I would hate him for it, and if it didn't change it would end my ability to love and care for him.

Do you think he can change? It sounds like you have tried many times and in many ways to ask him to change and he hasn't.

Could you point out to him that his behaviour will impact on your DS in the long run? A stressed out parent is not going to be ideal in the long term. Also when he starts crawling (is he already?) and cruising/walking he really needs to help with keeping things tidy. There can't be a binbag of glass bottles in the kitchen if your DS is about to toddle over to investigate. That's his responsibility as much as yours.

This reminded me of a quote from Rachel's Holiday.
'Are you happy?'
'I'm perfectly happy, except for some things in my life that have to be changed. Like just about everything. My lovelife, my career, my weight, my finances, my body, my face, my height, my teeth. My past, my present, my future. But other than that..'

Like titti said, it's not about changing a tiny annoying thing that he does. It's a fundamental issue. You say you love him, can you imagine treating him with the same lack of respect and consideration?

I'm sorry if this feels like we are all ganging up on you. But it sounds like you have massively low expectations for relationships and men?

Your DH sounds like a fucking idiot. To answer your question, I've never really been a SAHM. I had 3months maternity leave after the birth of each DD, then I went back to work because I was bored and felt like I was losing a part of my identity. I just spent my days breast feeding, walking DD around the parks and wearing leggings and jumpers. I was desperate to put my heels back on, have a pressured time table to work to and be seen as Loafers, not just as a new mother. During those 3months after each DD I found it harder than being at work as I was so bored. I didn't have a strict timetable to work to so I wouldn't really do anything. Being at work brought new challenges as I was still a full time parent but I was also working- my boss expected me to be just the same as before. I had a supportive DH though, he worked as a doctor in a local hospital and would work night shifts. Since (now ex) DH walked out it is really hard working full time and having my DDs. Sometimes I start work at 8am and don't get home until 10pm, but I get more done as I have to be so efficient with my time IYSWIM.

I find that I am more tired on my one day at home with the kids (ignoring weekends), as I cannot switch off at any time, and that's with a well behaved DH and a cleaner!

But I have an easy commute, and the nursery set-up at the moment is very easy. And I enjoy my job.

But it sounds like he is treating you like his personal slave, so I would suggest that you sort that out first!

So he flicks his bogeys on the floor and leaves rotten oranges around and calls you disgusting? I'm shocked!

Would his mum have a chat with him?

To be honest I think you need to head over to the relationships section and ask for advice there. There are some alarm bells ringing with this man - you got together with him when you were in a very vulnerable state. At first it was great but now his true colours are starting to show. You feel indebted to him and so put up with a lot of bad behaviour. You are isolated from family and friends. Your self esteem is so damaged that when he behaves in an utterly appalling way you need reassurance from MN that it is in fact bad behaviour, instead of taking the mentally healthy option of kicking him into touch. He has you doubting yourself so much with his assertions that 'other women just get on with it' that you don't know what's reasonable any more. He is disrespectful and rude to you and treats you like a skivvy yet you defend him and insist he is mostly great.

You don't seem to have a benchmark of what constitutes a normal healthy relationship - what you've got isn't normal or good for you. He is grinding you into the ground while telling you that's where you are supposed to be.

Please get some help.

Jellybelly did you have a thread way back about moving away from family for your partners job? If it was, hi.
My first partner is a nice guy. Total arse in a relationship. I think he thought I would put up with his crap. I tell you this, if he did the alarm clock thing or the boogers or, actually, anything you have said, I would have been praying for a sympathetic judge. Seriously sounds to me that you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. He knows you would never leave? Who knows what anyone is capable of? Might be wrong here but I think you may have started this thread because you know something is very wrong in your relationship? Is there a local MN board for your area? You could maybe arrange a meet up from it? Just for coffee and a natter? I hope you are ok. I know there has been very strong responses on this thread (mine included), must be overwhelming for you.

Hey jellybelly, I am in Reading and would be very happy to meet up if that's anywhere near you. You don't have to answer on the board but do PM me if you like.

My 2yo DS would like your 9mo DS as he could revel in being the largest child present