aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

[jellybelly701]

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

farfall I have no friends here, we moved away from those a few years ago. All our family and friends live over 200 miles away. I have no interaction all day besides the odd phone call from DP.

100 alarms, I mean literally around 100 alarms. One going off every 1-2minutes from 5am-7am That's a whole other thread though.

I've just finished mat leave and gone back to work. Personally I find staying at home harder. Working is physically more tiring (despite it being an office job), and I have to be extra organised, but I find staying at home, doing the same tasks day in day out, around dealing with our DDs, absolutely draining.

Whilst on mat leave I did do a greater share of the housework, but I DON'T do DHs laundry! He's a big boy, he's perfectly capable (and indeed pretty skilled!) at sorting it all out himself. He also manages to pick up after himself, wash a few dishes, cook once a week, do his share of childcare, and generally be an equal partner.

"in his mind other women can do all the housework, childcare and work with no problem at all" So why can't he do this too? Is he less capable than his idea of an average woman? He needs to step up, and set a good example for your DS.

I don't agree with being out all day means less mess. It means less time to tidy. I hate coming home from work to find the house as we left it when I rushed out to work.
But this isn't about which is harder... Your DH had no right to complain about having no clean clothes if he had left them on the floor. Would he magically start doing his own laundry if you worked? I doubt it!

I think when the DC are at the baby/toddler stage it is harder to be home and when they are at school i'ts harder to be at work.

It's such a personal thing. I find my the two days per week of my (stressful, demanding) job much, much harder than my five days at home looking after two toddlers. But the next poster will probably come along and say the opposite.

Did you give up a career to clean? I certainly didn't. Ok if you're in the house it makes sense for you to keep on top of the cleaning/washing, but what happens when he gets home? His working day has finished then, so your day should move into home time too and all jobs that need doing should be shared in the same way they would if you both worked outside the home. That's cooking, tidying up after your evening meal etc.

I was a Sahm for years and now work, I'd say tneither one is harder than the other they're just different. When our dc's were young we eventually decided to understand that it was simply a tough time for both of us and not to get into competitive tiredness.

I was a SAHM for 2 years and hated it. But the real point I would like to make to your H is that I was a SAHMum, not a cleaner or housekeeper. I did what I could around caring for DD but there was no way in hell I was doing DH's ironing, nor did he expect me to. And he used to get up early and doing any tidying or cleaning so that when I got up with DD the house would at least be tidy for us to begin the day.

It sounds like your H isn't even doing the minimum, like putting his clothes in the laundry basket or tidying up after himself. He sounds like a cock.

I'm just fed up if I'm honest. I just want a break.

He needs to grow up a bit lot . You are not his mum too and he should be tidying up after himself.
I found being a fulltime SAHP really tough, our house was (and still is) a mess as it's not just you and P but another set of washing, drying, putting an extra person too cook for and I found the 9 months stage really tough as they were starting to walk and get really mobile and wanted constant entertainment.
Does he look after your DS when he gets in so you can get on with stuff or does he magically expect you to do everything and look after DS and be perfect little wifey scurrying around bringing him his warm slipper, pipe and perfectly ironed newspaper as soon as he walks through the door?

Staying at home is much easier for me. I worked part time and really struggled to do two roles. My husband did that many alarm thing too. Used to drive me crazy. I think he's stopped now or I'm so pregnancy exhausted I can now sleep through them.

I would expect my DP to listen to me and help me find ways to solve a problem, rather than just tell me that I'm being crap compared to others. It doesn't matter if we think it's easy or hard to be a SAHP - you have said to your DH that you are finding it difficult. He should be looking at ways to help.

I find it very disrespectful for him to drop his clothes around and expect you to go round working out what needs a wash. It's making work where there doesn't need to be any. He needs to grow up and learn to put his clothes in a laundry basket - that's hardly a massive ask! I put those pop-up laundry baskets in each room where DP is likely to get changed in order to make it even easier.

He should also be putting dirty dishes etc in the kitchen and wiping surfaces if he's used them. These are things you would expect children to be able to do, so he must be able to manage it, surely?! Again, for me, it's a question of being inconsiderate - why make extra work for you when it's so easy to stick to some minimal house rules.

I find being a SAHM ridiculously easy but I do not have a husband who leaves clothes on the floor or plates around the house.

Yes Sandi that was me.

I've done both and its made me LOVE my work. You couldn't pay me enough to be a SAHM. Its the tedious repetition, the non stop concentration ALL day save a daytime nap if you are lucky, and you need that nap to do other stuff around the house. Plus work starts at 6 am and ends at 7pm, full on, non stop in those hours and that's assuming your kid goes to bed easily. Plus you might have to 'work' a few hrs adhoc in the night. I'm not saying parenting isn't rewarding, it is but god I love my job now that I have kids. BUT im luckier than most as I work from home so can do little home jobs between conf calls and get my kids home at 4pm from the childminder. So I still see a lot of them AND have peace and quiet to work my day job at my own pace.

I worked out of the home for 20 years. I enjoyed it. I have been home for over 5 years now. Kids are all school age. I find it very boring. Kids of any age take up more time than you think. Housework takes a back seat. You have a baby all day. I have the luxury of having all day to ignore housework. It is difficult to compare. However, we can compare DHs. Mine puts his clothes in the washing basket. He clears up after tea. He doesn't leave his crap lying around. He sets his alarm for getting up time and gets up. When I was struggling with my health he came home from work and cooked tea. Most days, for months. If you are showing your DH this thread, I would say to him that his wife is an equal partner. She is not a maid. Respect is so important. What you both do is important. Evening tasks should be shared. You should both have down time. Talk now. Sort it out.

Jobs are not split 50/50 when he is home. He cooks because frankly I'm not very good at it, and he will bath DS and then I get him dried and dressed or I will bath him and he dresses him.

I'm still folding or hanging up washing, entertaining DS, general tidying, giving DS his dinner, running a bath, emptying the bins etc long after DP comes home.

His working day ends at 5pm, mine ends whenever DS finally falls asleep for the night.

Oh op I know where you are coming from re the alarms. My DP is the same and it's fucking annoying. Especially as DC2 still sleeps in bed with us and it disturbs him too.

I think you need to get into an evening routine so you aren't doing so much cleaning constantly. For example, do all the dishes as soon as you've finished eating dinner. (By 'you' I mean you or DP) as soon as the DC are in bed, come downstairs and do a quick tidy up. These jobs need to be shared out between you. Put a laundry basket in each bedroom and make it clear that unless washing is in the basket, it will not get washed. Any chance you could get another airer? If not, clothes over doors/banisters upstairs.

DP and I are messy people too so I honestly know how you feel when you say there is always something that needs cleaning. I've got a 1 and 3 year old and they just constantly make a mess.

My DP used to be exactly like yours but he is slowly getting there once I put my foot down. He still moans about the mess alot but I just tell him to do it himself if he wants it done.

Sorry about the massive post there. It's just because I can totally relate to you. Good luck.

I remember your other thread

Your husband is a dick and you're asking the wrong question. It's not about which is harder, BOTH are a million times easier when you're not married to an asshole who has no respect for you.

Working was massively harder - even with 2 non-sleepers under 2.
Obviously you don't have to actually look after your child during the period when you are at work, but the housework stuff doesn't go away when you are at home and the getting up at night/having no sleep is much harder to deal with when you are expected to be totally focussed during the day.

But I think you have to let standards slip if you have young children. And DH needs to help - at least in putting his own clothes to be washed and clearing away after himself.

Oh and also, do you get to go out with friends ect?

Could you get a job? I now work 8 hours a week just for my sanity, not for the money. It gets me out the house and I feel so much happier.

op do you mean that the alarm goes off and he keeps hitting snooze or ignores it? Because if he does, that is really disrespectful of him. I get up before DH to go to work and he's mentioned before (gently) that when I hit snooze he can't really go back to sleep because he knows it's only a matter of time before I lurch out of bed again. I listened to him and now take my alarm clock downstairs so I can snooze on the sofa without bothering him.

Your DH clearly considers his extra snatched sleep to be more important than you. How do you feel about that?

As so often happens, the issue is not the initial incident (alarm going off incessantly) but our partner's response to us when we flag the incident as a problem. 'Sorry love, I will try to stop it' and ACTUALLY TRYING is a good response. Ignoring your (reasonable) request and continuing to do it is not a good response and indicates that it's all about him.

walkingwolf

Nope, all my friends and family live over 200 miles away. I don't know a soul here. I also do not drive, so I only really walk to shop or go to the park at the back of the house once or twice a week.

If I could find a job that pays enough to cover child care I would love it.