aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

[jellybelly701]

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

I have set 'house rules' he just ignores. The filthy bastard will even pick his nose and flick his bogey on to the floor, he finds this absolutely hilarious even with me giving him a death stare and explaing how disgusting and disrespectful it is.

If anyone flicked a bogey on the floor of my house, I swear to God I'd set about them with a rusty hatchet. Your DH is a knob. Never mind "which is harder...SAHP or working". Your life is always going to be difficult if you're saddled up to this cretin.

IMO doing all the nights with a nine month old who isn't a good sleeper is hell on earth. You should be congratulated for simply managing to get through the day with the baby. Anything else is a bonus not an expectation when you are sleep deprived.

I remember your other thread and your DP is a cause of more problems than solutions. Seriously, let him be late for work if he can't get his arse out of bed. And if he asks you why you didn't wake him say that getting to work is his job, and there's no way in hell you will parent him as well as your baby.

Re the washing, I told my DH I was at home to look after the baby, not him. He washes his own shirts.

Jellybelly, you deserve so much more than this man. If he truly loved and cherished you, he would not behave this way.

What would he say if you said that you were considering separating if he cannot stick to even the most minimum of house rules that you would expect from an older child or even a flat mate?

DH is a SAHP and I think he has it easier. But that's because I'm not a massive twat like your DH. The things you describe are just unbelievable, he has 0 respect for you and treats you like a slave.

I'm painting him to be a proper bellend here so I feel is should add that he does have good qualities, great qualities even. Its just when it comes to domestic stuff/mornings he is such a knob that I just want to smoother him.

I think you have bigger issues, his behaviours sound very odd.

The best thing you can do is establish some sort of life for yourself be it a social life or activities with DC or going back to work.

And what noblegiraffe said. If everything at home is your job and he can happily walk past a rotten orange for 2 weeks, stop being responsible for waking him up! Go sleep on the sofa. Working is his job and therefore it is also his job to see that he gets up to go to work.

Oh, sweetheart. You sound so sad.

If talking hasn't worked, then you need to try a different approach. One definition of madness is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting a different response - I read that somewhere and it is so true.

You have indicated that you need him to behave differently. He has ignored this. You have soldiered on, growing more resentful. I believe that you need to take action to make yourself happier.

I suggest that you hire a cleaner, if possible, and ignore any grumpiness or jibes on his part about how you shouldn't need one. Ignore these assertions, they are made by a person who is not in possession of all the facts (or chooses to ignore them). The action of hiring a cleaner will also indicate that you have power; that your opinions are just as important as his and just as worthy of being listened to and influencing the household. You ARE just as important, you know.

If it's not possible to hire a cleaner, then you will need to set some rules and stand your ground. This is not about cleaning, it is about respect. At the moment, you ask him to amend his behaviour and he ignores you. Does he get any negative feedback for this? Probably nothing other than arguments, which it seems he can happily ignore. You need to show him that there are consequences for not listening to your reasonable requests and that these consequences will make his life less pleasant.

For a selfish person like your DH, this is the only way you can hope to influence them to change. Make life less comfortable for them. He leaves his clothes in the wrong place? Leave them there and only wash your own. He doesn't wash his plates? Leave them unwashed (hide some clean stuff for yourself and DS and wash up as you go). If possible, take DS out of the house for nice long drives that regrettably run past dinnertime, so DH has to feed himself.

I know it all sounds terribly petty and nothing like a reasonable person would do, but your DH isn't reasonable. You need to bear that in mind as you go forward.

But it's not about having great qualities, it's about having a minimum level of respect for you as another human being sharing his living space. If he really cared about you, how could he leave you disgusted, upset, overworked, overwhelmed, unhappy, etc etc? He should be apologising profusely and trying his level best to improve.

culture he would think I was bluffing, he knows he means everything to me and that I would do anything in my power to keep this relationship. I don't think he thinks I have it in me to walk away.

Jelly, most husbands and partners have good, even great qualities. That's nothing special, that's normal. But they don't cancel those good qualities out by behaving like a massive twat.

I'd say being a SAHM. It's the hardest and most unrecognised "Job" of all, not least by the government but that's another story.
I take my hat to any full time mum married or lone parents.
Adore my D.D as I do I go to work for a rest.

So he knows you adore him and is secure in the knowledge that you'll take whatever he dishes out. He doesn't sound that lovely, tbh!

And the bogey-flinging bit is just plain disgusting.

But why would you do anything to keep this relationship? Good relationships make your life easier, more pleasant. He makes you miserable, doesn't he?

HazelNutt is so right.

Could you go and stay with a relative or good friend (even if very far away) for a week or two to make your point if he refuses to keep to minimum standards?

Ive recently gone back to work pt after mat leave and so far I'm finding the days that I'm working do much easier and getting just as much done at home as when I'm home all day. DS gets all of his meals at nursery and we have a pre-made and frozen or very quick dinner on those days, DS is exhausted and do goes to bed much easier and sleeps better and as ive not been trying all day to get things done with not much success im finding that I'm much more inclined to do an hour once he is asleep than leave it till I'm home all day.

We also have a fairly good system of one does bath and bed, and the other does the washing up, puts washing away, tidies up downstairs so that we keep on top of things day to day. My house is still not in great shape but as ive been told on a thread i started recently, things do just slide a bit when the kids are young. 9m is a difficult age IMO, and very labour intensive, that's when things got on top of me too. Just because your DH goes out to work and you don't, doesn't absolve him of responsibility with regards to chores etc. And under no uncertain terms does it allow him to leave stuff everywhere thinking that you are home all day so should pick up after him. You can spend all day just getting to a point where you can actually start your housework if there is so much mess, especially with a baby to entertain, feed, dress, change and keep safe.

I haven't RTFT as I didn't want to be swayed by other repsonses.

In all honesty, when I was a SAHM life in general was easier but I found it tedious and the lack of cash restrictive - I imagine if I had been a SAHM married to a millionaire I'd have had a different experience!

When I was a SAHM, I was clear that the priority was looking after the children. I'm not a domestic godess and clean enough, tidy enough is my mantra. I'm good at planning though so I could spend an hour of a morning tidying/doing housework, another hour prepping food for lunch and tea then the rest of the day on the kids. That said, it was clear I was not anyone's unpaid help. I didn't mind doing the bulk of the housework on the proviso DH didn't take the p1ss so if he had a drink or snack at night, he cleared up after himself. If he expected clothes washed, they needed to be in the basket and not festering at the side of his bed. Just because I was at home didn't mean I was relegated to slave. I don't necessarily agree with the viewpoint that when he comes home from work then everything becomes split 50/50 as I tried to get most things done in the two hours referred to above so that we could BOTH relax when at home.

Various opportunities mean I'm now back at work f/t and so DH has to do A LOT more at home - it isn't a case of how great I am because I juggle f/t work and the house. It's a case of us both being at work so we both have split all the house and child care stuff - your husband is deluded if he thinks homes where both parents work run seamlesslely because the WOMAN picks up all the home stuff - point that out to him that if you were at work, he would have to up his game signficantly.

Also one major point - if you're all out all day, the house doesn't get messed up!

I didn't pick up much about your financial situation but if laundry is an issue because of the lack of tumble dryer point this out to him and ask him to resolve it.

Your post at 10:54 is horrible and I would honestly have to restrain myself from flinging something at the dirty bugger! To me it really sounds as if he has equated SAHM with "my slave".

What is it about him that makes you willing to do anything to keep the relationship OP? Where is the balance? If there are aspects that are SO GOOD that it is worth being miserable every day to keep it going then go for it. But if you can't think of any that are worth that price then something needs to change or you may as well call it a day.

I can't answer your question as I don't (yet...) have experience as a SAHP (other than whilst on mat leave) but I don't think you are right to be comparing the two when actually your DP is being a total dick. How on earth can he complain about not having clean clothes when he doesn't put stuff in the laundry basket? Lazy arsehole needs telling to buck his ideas up, you're not his slave.

You're asking the wrong question. The right question to ask is:

Which is easier:

(a) working 9-5, cooking dinner but not doing anything around the house. Leave stuff wherever you want whether it be dirty clothes, dirty plates etc with expectation that partner will sort everything and do all the thinking. Set as many alarms as you like over an hour and a half time period if that is what works for you. Think only of yourself..

(b) being at home with a baby, doing everything for said baby, clearing up after a partner who won't do anything for himself. Do everything around house save for evening meals for adults. Do all night wakings and then be kept awake from 5am due to partner's constant alarms due to his inability to get self up.

Which sounds easier to you?

hazel because he's the reason I'm still here today. I was in such a dark place when he first got together. He made me feel safe, filled my days with laughter instead of tears. I wouldn't be the person I am now if it wasn't for him. Even with his faults my life would be so much worse with out him.

So the alarm thing is still going on despite you reaching the end of your tether with it the other day?

Totally agree with PPs saying that it's your DP that's the issue, not the issue of sahm parenting vs working, not the baby's routine, the shower, night feeds or anything else that came up before. Your DP. Is. The. Problem.

I know you are both relatively young but you are mature and a responsible parent. Your DP is not. His behaviour is so selfish.

You are isolated and alone all day and can't see the wood for the trees I feel.

Can you possible take the baby and go to family or friends for a few days/ a week? Get some perspective?

possibly

Posted before i RTFT. OP this behavior is not on. Why cant he throw away a mouldy orange himself? That example screams disrepect and I'm not sure you should be putting up with that at all. He sounds like a bully. Even if you haven't told him so, he should be able to see that you are struggling and should want to do what he can to make things easier for you. Not point out your perceived failings to score points or whatever .