aibu to ask which was harder? being a SAHP or working?

[jellybelly701]

I've just had yet another argument with DP, he was moaning that it is "disgusting" that has no clean clothes for work. I understand his point he should have clean clothes for work, but at the minute we have no tumble dryer and the washing line is out of use due to fleas from the garden hitching a lift on our lovely clean clothes and biting the crap out of me. so our tiny clothes horse has been mainly full of 9mo DS clothes. Also he just leaves his clothes in the bedroom, I don't know what's clean and what isn't. If he actually put them in the washing machine they might get done more often.

So then he brings up the fact that for the past few days I haven't done much cleaning, I've cleaned the living room and kitchen but I haven't really bothered with upstairs much. We are both quite messy people, him more than me. so what should be a every couple of days/once a week household chores are actually everyday ones. There is ALWAYS some cleaning that needs to be done, I can get the whole house up to MIL visiting standards and by the next day it's like I didn't do a thing.

My daily routine is so tedious and repetitive it is driving me insane. Just once I would like to come down stairs in the morning to a clean living room, to not have to move plates and glasses into the kitchen and take empty drinks bottles into the conservatory before cracking on with cleaning the kitchen hobs and work surfaces. we have a DS so my days are repetitive enough as it is (having food thrown/spat into your face 3x a day anyone?) I don't mind this part of course because I love my son, but what I do not love is cleaning.

I am still very sleep deprived and I have been reduced to tears I'm that tired. The broken sleep in the morning from his fecking alarms doesn't help the situation. I managed to persuade him to only set three last night instead of the usual 100, that just meant that I had to fully wake up at five in order to wake him up, he wouldn't get up, not until 7:30 (I did sleep in short fifteen minute bursts in this time)

DP seems to think that all this is easy, that women seem to manage juggling childcare with housework all the time and have no problem so why can't I? DP does work very hard at his job and I am incredibly grateful that he goes to work to keep a roof over our heads and food on the table. But I feel that I deserve some appreciation too.

I'm not trying to compete at 'who does the most' I just want to show DP that it's just not as easy as he thinks to be a SAHP

So which did you find harder? Being a SAHP or working FT?

Sleep in a different room until the alarm business stops. That or start getting up at 5am and going to bed earlier. My DH leaves the house v early so I just get up at five with him, then both go to bed by ten. The rest - you are doing a nanny's job, so keep the house tidy, wash your DC's things, feed him during the day, entertain him. In the evenings, split the domestic stuff 50:50. Oh, and point out how much a nanny/nursery would cost the family!

It's not a competition.

However most of us who work full time also manage to do laundry and clean up after ourselves. There are a lot of people who don't have a partner to do laundry for us and still manage to wear clean clothes to work.

To answer your question: SAHP, without question. Being at work is like being on a fucking holiday in comparison.

I was a SAHM with two under 3 for a year and it was the hardest work I've ever done, not so much because of the physical aspect but because of the grinding tedium, lack of any defined breaks, and lack of positive feedback. My husband is also quite messy but he's reasonable and helped where he could because he could see I was swamped.

That said, both my sons have since been diagnosed with ASD, and one with ADHD as well so they are and have always been very high maintenance. It also caused problems with playgroups since my gorgeous, funny and quirky children never did what was expected. The other Mums, bless them, didn't find it easy to invite round the Mum with the over-the-top kids so even playgroups were an isolating experience.

Going into work (and I work doing a fairly stressful job) was the best thing I could do for my sanity. I pay a cleaner to clean the house and a childminder to pick the kids up and I have a life of my own. I have breaks for tea and lunch in the day, and I have regular friends again. I'm there most nights to put the kids to bed and we do things together on the weekends if I'm not working.

Being a SAHP is, without doubt, the hardest. Especially when you have a baby and/or toddler. It is mind-numbing, repetitive, bone-crunchingly dull drudgery.

I went back to work the moment I could. I love my DC, but I loathed being a SAHP.

But I tell you what - I loathed it, even with a nice, kind, decent man who pulled his weight, respected me, and wasn't a total c**t. Had I had a complete arse-wipe for a husband, it would have been even worse.

Your husband, for example, is a ct. Get shot of him, and everything will be better.

Done both and both are hard...(I did love my job though).
PP said something about the mess and for WOHM it still being there when you get back ...yep...but SAHP you will tidy up constantly...and I mean constantly -at least WOH if you leave it tidy you come back to tidy - the level of mess we are talking about really doesn't compare!
As a WOHP you have to be organised, it is a balancing act. But a change is as a good as a rest - in that at least you are doing something different.
As a SAHP you can put things off - but they are always there - you are constantly surrounded by what you should be doing - you can't escape.
Think when you are pissed off at work and think I can't wait to get home - and when you have been struggling with DC and think I can't wait to get to work...as a SAHP there is no let up.

And as a SAHP you notice stuff that WOH you don't - so when I was FT WOH I didn't wash DCs bedroom curtains for 5 years...just didn't notice the thick dust on the top. As a SAHP I notice and (in theory) I should have time to do them...so I do them - the work easily fits the time you have to do it. And it is constant drudgery, no reward, little thanks...
Although up thread a PP said differently I think (because the grass is always greener I guess) the best would be WOH PT 2-3 days per week...maybe one day at home with DC in childcare (you can put the washing on on your coffee break type of thing).
The worst I think is working at home FT ... even with DC at school....
As to OP - your DP sounds like a lazy selfish arse - remember if he was single he would be going to work FT, looking after his own home, tidying up after himself, doing his washing and cooking for himself...I think you might need to remind him that..
Take a weeks holiday and leave him to it with DC ...and he can see just how easy it is
(but I always say this with caution - I was in hospital for a week -DP coped fine - thought it was easy - but no cleaning got done, minimum washing, my friend's helped him out with school pick ups and taking to activities, even the school didn't hassle him when he forgot to send in lunch money/packed lunch....and it had novelty value)

When I was at work at couldn't wait to finish (mat leave) as it felt a real struggle trying to get everything done - and my DH and I pretty much share all chores evenly. Now I've been off 9 months I can't wait to get back to work! Both situations can be hard and both have their plus points. When I go back I'll be working 3 days, hoping that's going to be the perfect balance.
With DS I was never on top of the house work and I didn't successfuly cook dinner for DH getting home from work more than about once in 11 months! But DS was an awful sleeper & mammoth breastfeeder. Thankfully DH never said a word, hedoesn't expect stuff like that to be done for him.
With DD I've been on top of it all mostly & had dinner sorted every day because I've had to for DS (now 5). But DH picks up the slack and is always grateful for what I do.
You need to approach it with a team mentality & your OH needs to support you more.
I seem to have gone off on a tangent.......!

The alarm thing is shit. My dp used to set an alarm for 6am with the intention of cycling to the gym, then hit snooze, then had one set for 7am to drive to the gym, then another about 8 for not bothering to go to the gym, which he'd then snooze again and finally get up about 8.30 and rush out the door at 8.45.

Meanwhile I was lying awake all morning waiting for the next one to go off, then getting up at 7.30-8 to sort out the kids and feeling resentful as he was still snoring away.

Some people just don't care realise how hard it is for others to go back to sleep after waking up. Luckily we don't live together full time and when I started saying I'd rather he didn't come over if he ws going to wake me up several times each morning and that I would kick him out of bed when the first one went off at 6am, he realised how disruptive it was and how annoyed I was and now only sets one alarm. I'm seething just thinking about it! I really feel for you.

However, this is just one example of your H's thoughtlessness. It sounds like he has low standards himself (leaving clothes on the floor and plate everywhere) but expects you to adhere to higher standards in getting it all tidy and clean. There's nothing wrong with expecting the sahp to do the washing/up but he shouldn't be moaning at you if he's not helping to keep it at that standard.

It's good that your H cooks, but if he's anything like my dp he probably uses every bowl and pan in the house and leaves a trail of devastation behind him!

My dp is also a messy bugger, but he doesn't care if the kitchen is a mess and if there's no space for cooking he just orders takeaway or we go out, if he doesn't have clean clothes he just puts his old ones back on and then the penny drops and he picks up his crap off the floor! If he was moaning at me about it I'd tell him to fuck off.

Luckily I'm quite laid back about this stuff too, so I'm happy to leave it there until he does it himself, but occasionally I do just kick it all into a pile in the corner and tell him to bag it up and take it home for washing. Not so easy for you living with him full time, so I suppose all you can do is spell out exactly what you are prepared to do and when ("I am happy to wash your work stuff, I'm doing dark washing on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but will only wash what is in the basket, if it's on the floor it won't get done. If you want anything done another day you will have to do it yourself.")

However, it sounds like your H is a bit of a knobber and may not take kindly to any kind of expectation being put onto him. In that case, bide your time, try to get some sleep when you can, don't waste your energy on trying to change him and prepare yourself to LTB at some point in the future as I can't see things getting any easier for you.

Pogue well I assume they are coming from the garden. We have no pets yet about three weeks ago we started being bitten really badly. I tried to squash the bug and it bounced off, since then I have seen loads of them on the wooden flooring. I've had a good look at them and they are definitely fleas. So I stopped using the washing line and hoovered a million times a day and I got rid of them all, I used the washing line on Monday and by Tuesday I found 4 fleas biting me on my legs in the space of an hour. I haven't so much as opened the back door since. DP has seen a few in his car too so are definitely jumping on from outside.

OP the alarms thing is completely crazy, why oh why does he need to wake up 2 hours before he needs to wake up? Can you go and sleep in another room?

it sounds like you are isolated and that is probably making being at home, sleep deprived, really tough. Is there a sure start centre near you? We have one near and there is a class everyday for babies, coffee morning etc where you can meet others and make some friends. I had to get out of the house at least once a day to avoid going mad.

On the childcare point, this is a SHARED expense if you are both working. If you want to go back to work, even part time, do it. You may be worse off financially but it will be worth in the longer term and for your mental health.

And what Castlemilk said.

Both equally hard just different in my experience.
But the BIG difference is that I've never been anybody's slave. When I was at home full time the other adult in the house (my dh) still picked up after himself and actually did his own laundry too.

I work p/t now and dh f/t but I don't do much more housework than dh. The two days I'm "at home" with ds we are actually mostly out at swimming classes and visiting family. I didn't cut back my hours at work to do more cleaning, it was to spend time with our son.

Depends on the job and depends on your children. For me, SAH is much easier than work, but I have a demanding job and one very well behaved child.

Your DH is being an arse in any case

Its little things that bug me, for example a few weeks ago he asks me when I was going to empty the fruit bowl, I ask why. " because there has been an orange in there that has been needed to be thrown out for the past two weeks" I didn't know this because DP mail is usually thrown on top of the fruit bowl so I can't actually see what's in it. he said he saw this gone off orange every day for two weeks but he didn't throw it out because its MY job.

"when are you going to move the bin liner full of bottles? Its been in the way of the freezer door for two days now"

I echo what's being said about you not being his slave. I'm a SAHM at the moment and do the larger tasks but I've had to be very clear to my super untidy DH about the littler things he can do to make my life easier, ie separating his whites and coloureds for washing, wiping his own crusty toothpaste off the sink (and floor, and wall ), putting his cups and glasses in the dishwasher, doing a quick Hoover of the rug in the living room if it's looking a bit worse for wear last thing at night.... All little things that add up to make my life 100% easier. He respects that his low-effort tasks make my job easier: that's the problem you have here, your partner has no respect.

That's ridiculous (the fruit bowl etc). Your job whilst he's at work is looking after your baby, any housework that gets done along the way is a bonus! He needs to try it for some time himself to realise how hard it can be. The hardest bit Ifind is the constant interruptions. I can never do a task for more than about 3 minutes before one of the kids needs something and its so frustrating you stop starting anything because you want to be able to focus on it. He needs to be made to understand. He is being very unreasonable, I would not put up with that, where's the respect? You're not his skivvy.

If you want to make this work, you need to insist that your 'D'H sits down with you at some point when the baby is asleep and you can concentrate on a discussion. Then discuss what things need doing round the house, and make a list of the specific things that your DH needs to do around the house regularly as a bare minimum. I would also add to the list that he needs to not complain about things he could solve himself (e.g. the bottles thing, and the orange thing). I would also agree that neither of you sits down and relaxes of an evening if the other one is still doing housework - it's just plain rude. He at least should ask you if you want some help.

I would also point out the your role at home is to be caring for your child as the first priority - any housework you can fit in around that is a bonus.

For the alarm issue, I would set your own alarm to be slightly before his first alarm. Then wake him up (pushing him out of bed if necessary) when your alarm goes off, and then you can go back to bed and get some more sleep. That would be better than your current situation, if he refuses to consider your well-being and actually get up with his first alarm.

Just deliberately leaving something so tiny like that orange when it would have been so easy to move it himself.....I can't quite get over that, that's quite wierd.

Okay, jellybelly. I sympathise with your situation, I really do, but we need to know (well, I need to know) where you're going with this. Do you just A) want a bit of comforting before you head back into the daily drudge, or B) are you thinking you've had enough of this?

If it's option A then it would be better to tell us now as posters get quite emotionally overinvested in giving advice on subjects like this and they will know not to do so if you don't want to change your situation. Also, posters tend to (reasonably or not) get angry when they give advice and don't perceive it to be of any use. Not necessarily your issue but it's not nice when strangers on the internet seem to turn from supportive to angry. Just warning you! Maybe start a thread titled 'I just want to MOAN, dammit' if that's what you want.

If it's option B, however, then it seems that there are a lot of people here willing to support and listen. That's my group

Bambamb - I really think its because the OPs DH sees her as a domestic servant, and that all things to do with looking after the house is beneath him.

I would imagine he was never asked to help around the house when he was a child and was waited on hand and foot by his mother.

I agree that being a SAHM without him would be A LOT easier than being one with him. Perhaps he should have a think about what that means.

Set some ground rules, dirty clothes go in the washing basket, rubbish/wrappers etc go in the bin, dirty cups/plates go in the sink/dishwasher, if you use something then put it away when you are finished with it. Just those rules would make your life so much easier.

For the alarm, have you considered a taser?

plump

B, I have really had enough of this. I don't want to LTB even with his faults I love him with all my heart. But things do need to change and I just don't know how to get that ball rolling. I've tried calm discussions I've tried not so calm discussions. I've tried telling him, I've tried asking him. I have begged and pleaded with him to see things from my perspective. I don't know what else to do.

Done both and I think SAHM is much much harder. It's so unremitting. Your DH sounds very unsupportive - he wouldn't last two days if the roles were reversed, I bet.

Yes you're right culture.
It's just SO disrespectful. He obviously views your entire role as that of 'housekeeper who doesn't deserve even the tiniest bit of help' and his as 'boss who needs to keep the staff in line and remind them of their duties'. He does not view you as his equal OP, in his eyes you are his inferior. I couldn't live like that.