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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate, loathe and detest when mothers

227 replies

Norklessnora · 21/08/2014 21:36

Call themselves a 'full time mum'. You are either a stay at home mum, or a working mum. All are full time parents and all work bloody hard. Hate it.

OP posts:
Pagwatch · 23/08/2014 09:46

Goingloombandcrazy

It is horrible to be on the end of that stuff. When I went back to work after DS1 was born one of my team said
'everyone thinks you are really brave coming back given that it obviously looks like you don't really care about your baby' and left a newspaper article about nurseries damaging a child's development on my desk.

Dickhead.

Mylovelylovelyhorse · 23/08/2014 09:52

"If I'm going on a beach holiday and someone asks where I'm going I don't say 'not skiing!'"

No if someone says 'where are you going on holiday?' and you aren't going on holiday, you say 'I'm not going on holiday'. Not 'the kids are doing softplay / reading/ squabbling'. The question was about your holiday not what your kids are doing. Substitute 'work' for 'holiday' and you've got the suitable answer.

Yo

Pagwatch · 23/08/2014 09:58

Nope. No one defines what they do via a negative.
I'm not going to say 'I'm not working' because it implies working is the state in which I should exist.
I haven't had a paid job for 18 years. I'm never getting a job.

What do you do?
I'm currently not working
Oh , so what work is it?
Well 18 years ago i was a penguin juggler. I also had blonde highlights and dressed like Madonnas in her slutty party girl era.
Oh, so will you go back to that soon?
Nope
Do you still know people from the penguin juggling world
Nope
Do you ..er...juggle recreationally
Nope.
Oh.

PunkrockerGirl · 23/08/2014 10:02

YANBU. I hate it too. It's like when you leave the house to go to work you stop being a mum. Just ridiculous.

Mylovelylovelyhorse · 23/08/2014 10:03

I suppose where i'm confused is by whether there is a difference between occupation and job. I'm thinking that the only time you'd mention that you are a sahm is if someone asks what you 'do' in terms of job / occupation / work. I'd assume that referred to a job in the traditional sense so would say that I didn't have a job / wasn't working. Just depends how you view it I guess

I'm a student for what it's worth. Neither one or t'other

Sootgremlin · 23/08/2014 10:05

I saw a friend recently who is going back to work full time after maternity leave. I sympathised with her that it would be difficult leaving her child for the first time, but affirmed that long term she wouldn't regret maintaining her career, and her daughter would enjoy nursery.

Later on she sympathised with me about the financial pressures of my situation, but also talked about the positives of being at home with my children. It was all very pleasant.

It wouldn't occur to me that her situation and choices were any sort of judgement on mine, or mine on her, why on earth would it be? Both aren't even free choices strictly speaking, we were both herded into them rather by our respective financial and personal needs. I couldn't give two hoots what she calls herself (I think it's Laura).

We should all leave each other be and focus on our real enemy: The Romans! I mean what have they ever done for us?! Grin

Pagwatch · 23/08/2014 10:15

I think when people ask 'what do you do' they are just making conversation - its just a conversation opener, an opportunity to start reaching for points of commonality or mutual interest.
No one is really, really keen to know if someone is an accountant or a cashier are they?
It's a social convention. People use simple phrases to shorthand their life.

Looking for offence in the way in which they chose a phrase to give a snapshot of their circumstances really is just looking to place women in the wrong. Again.

Stealthpolarbear · 23/08/2014 10:15

" Add message | Report | Message poster OwlCapone Sat 23-Aug-14 08:49:28
"Fortunately I don't have to work" ( wait til he fucks off then I wanna reply!)

Well aren't you just lovely"

Was thinking the same. Unless you've been given a reason not too, trusting the person you married is a valid position!

Sootgremlin · 23/08/2014 10:28

Mylovelyhorse You said the question was 'what do you do' in which case I wouldn't answer 'not working' which is what you suggested. It would be something to do with looking after children as that is what I do. The holiday thing was me facetiously trying to make the point that Pagwatch made better, that I wouldn't define myself by a negative.

Why is caring for your own children now considered so inferior to working anyway that you can't bring your children into answer the question of what you do? You can define yourself by your office job, but not by your motherhood for crying out loud, you must be some form of plankton! Talking about children is so boring, but we're all members of a parenting website.

If the question was do you work, I would answer no, but I would also expand on it to say what I did instead and include my children in it as I would assume that was the reason for the question, for conversation. If someone asks you what you do, feel free to say you work and that you also have children and fly kites with them and ride bikes and stuff, I won't think less of you for it.

Goldmandra · 23/08/2014 11:31

Looking for offence in the way in which they chose a phrase to give a snapshot of their circumstances really is just looking to place women in the wrong. Again.

This ^

Feel free to look for offence when you've come up with a phrase that offends nobody else.

Original poster
Norklessnora · 23/08/2014 11:42

To the PP who said about people saying it on facebook etc as if they are superior to anybody else who leaves the home for paid employment, you are quite right that that is what has annoyed me in the past and led to my (perhaps ill thought out but it was designed to be lighthearted, I don't hate loathe or detest anyone) post, and I shouldn't generalise.

OP posts:
zeezeek · 23/08/2014 11:57

"Those of you who spend all day with your children and call yourself a full time mum, do you consider their father to be a part time father?"

Do men actually ever have this discussion? Or is it just women who feel the need to justify their choices all the time?

Alwayswiththechords · 23/08/2014 12:02

Many things bother me but the term full-time mum isn't one of them :) Though I agree that stay at home mum is a better description

OwlCapone · 23/08/2014 12:05

Having children is not a job nor work, it's just parenting. Just the same as running a house is something adults do.

If it was work, then those that have two jobs

So what is it when someone is paid to do all the "active parenting" of my children whilst I am doing something else?

To call yourself a full time mum means you are implying the other parent isn't.

I find it amusing that you belittle what a SAHP/Full time parent does and then bleat about the flip side being insulting.

Goldmandra · 23/08/2014 12:06

Though I agree that stay at home mum is a better description

Not necessarily. Some mothers don't want to be perceived as just sitting at home with their children all day.

OwlCapone · 23/08/2014 12:08

To the PP who said about people saying it on facebook etc as if they are superior to anybody else who leaves the home for paid employment, you are quite right that that is what has annoyed me in the past

Have you not seen the other side of this where people on Mumsnet who go out to work make smug, superior comments about wanting to be a good role model and support their family financially? As someone said, they do tiny because they are dickheads, not because of whether they are in paid employment or not. Being a dickhead is not linked to a person's employment status in any way.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 12:08

Can't we all just get along?

JugglingFromHereToThere · 23/08/2014 12:19

Just for the record when I've been a SAHM I've usually said something about how "at the moment I'm busy raising these two" and sometimes also mentioning that in my work I've generally worked with young children too.

So, I have generally avoided saying that I'm a F/T Mum, and also the phrase "stay at home Mum" because to me neither seemed quite right (as I mentioned we were out more often than in)

As an aside I find it interesting that most of the phrases seem to have an American ring to them. I wonder what the more British answers would be? I'm not working at the moment/ I'm a housewife (very 1950's!)

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 12:23

I hear babies cry. I watch them grow. They'll learn much more than I'll ever know. And I think to myself.......
........

WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD....

High five anyone? Anyone?

Don't leave a brother hangin

Pagwatch · 23/08/2014 12:29

It's interesting isn't it Juggling.
I've been doing this for so long I have tried out loads. I vary it now depending on my mood and who I am talking too. I think the thing I've realised is that what you chose to say is only part of the equation. The bigger part is the experience, opinions, judgements and prejudices of the person you speak to.

Anything to do with being at home with the children often raises the assumption that you are taking a career break and/or that you are financed by your DH.
'I don't work' gets reactions from idle to unemployed to lady who lunches
Carer gets head tilts and sympathy with very occasional queries about benefits.
I tend now to reply to 'what do you do' with 'whatever I want'
Interesting when DH says he's not working for the moment he just gets 'you lucky bugger'

Pagwatch · 23/08/2014 12:30
Owllady · 23/08/2014 12:41

I don't give a shit what people call themselves. I don't want to be pigeonholed for just that ONE THING in my life JUST because I have children. I conversely anyone has to justify why they do what they do

Owllady · 23/08/2014 12:43

God I do hate this tablet :o I'm the woman who gets annoyed with her tablet all day.

I think someone has forgotten along the way somewhere that mothers aren't defined by their children, they are still that individual person they were before they had them.

placidjoy123 · 23/08/2014 12:54

The world would be a lot better place if we all didn't really bother listening too much when we ask another person "And what do you do?" But rather simply say "Yaaay! " and give a little mock theatrical straight fingered clap like they do on American day time chat shows.

TRY IT

I guarantee you will NEVER be offended ever again

ArsenicyOldFace · 23/08/2014 13:00

I tend now to reply to 'what do you do' with 'whatever I want'

Grin

I'm having that for my next period of SAHMing doing whatever I want. Cheers Pag Smile