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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's rude to tell someone they smell?

32 replies

chumrun · 21/08/2014 11:32

Obviously, if it was an ongoing problem like body odour or halitosis that would be different.

Went to my next door neighbours house last night to give a birthday card. Neighbour is very elderly and requires care. She's also a bit deaf, so I leaned over to speak to her as one of her carers also leaned over. Carer pulls a face and says something like "ugh, have you been eating garlic?"

I hadn't, as it happens, but I do have just a touch of hayfever which is probably blocking the back of my mouth a bit. But no one else has complained!

AIBU to think this was extremely bad manners?! It's made me quite cross!

OP posts:
CatsCantTwerk · 21/08/2014 11:37

It may be bad manners but personally I would much rather be told if I was kicking out a whiff than people talking behind my back about it.

FrootLoopy · 21/08/2014 11:38

Hmm, tricky. Yes, she was a bit rude because of the way she said it. But just because noone else has complained, but that doesn't mean it doesn't bother them.

DH and I both sometimes suffer from bad breath due to sinuses, and we tell each other asap because we would far rather know than have other people think we stink but be too polite to say something.

gertiegusset · 21/08/2014 11:39

That's rude.

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 11:44

Froot I'm pretty confident it's a one off. I work with teenagers and no one has complained and I think in ten years of teaching I would know if there was an issue!

Besides, I just think even if it was an ongoing thing the way it was done was extremely rude, you don't just tell people you've only just met they smell, do you? Bit different to your husband saying something to you.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 21/08/2014 11:48

It is rude if it's someone you don't know.

KingJoffreysBloodshotEye · 21/08/2014 11:53

Yes, a bit rude.

Leaning over and emitting a smell is also kind of rude. I'd be annoyed.

LadyLuck10 · 21/08/2014 11:56

It's rude but I think it's fair enough she told you. It doesn't mean if nobody has told you so far it it's not true.

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 12:20

Really, do you lot tell everybody who is a bit whiffy who you encounter on a daily basis - 'ugh, you smell.'

It's not like it's deliberate, and for what it's worth I was sitting next to my neighbour and she leaned over me. It's just a little bit of a blocked nose, I really can't help it, I don't think it's rude to have a blocked nose and stand near somebody!

"It doesn't mean if nobody has told you so far that it's not true."

In ten years of teaching teenagers no one has mentioned it, or DH or family - I'm fairly confident my breath is generally fine, it was just a bit of hayfever Confused

OP posts:
AdamLambsbreath · 21/08/2014 12:30

The thing with posting in AIBU, chumrun, is that by doing so you're asking a question. You've got to be prepared to hear people chime in on both sides!

Sounds like you've already decided you weren't BU and are hoping for everyone to agree. But I'll tell you now that not everyone will Wink

FWIW I think the carer's comment was phrased rudely, and I can understand why you were upset. Sympathies re your sinuses as well, mine are a nightmare. Plus I eat tons of garlic. Good job I don't have a 'customer-fronting' job . . .

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 12:35

I guess so Adam was prepared for maybe people asking if I was sure I haven't got bad breath which is a fair question; I just can't believe one person thinks it's rude to go anywhere near anyone else if you might have eaten something garlicky or have a blocked nose or whatever! Grin

But I was a bit annoyed by it and it made me feel bad, so I suppose you're right and I've already decided I wasn't BU! I've never had anyone complain but I know when my tonsils go I can feel an unpleasant taste, usually I have a good brush which solves the problem but I hadn't noticed it myself yesterday.

OP posts:
FrootLoopy · 21/08/2014 13:21

You will only notice when it's REALLY bad I'm afraid. DH and I are very, very cautious about it. And you know, I think it IS rude to go close to people if you think you might be whiffy from a blocked nose or have garlic. So now that you know, if you keep it up, you'll be the one being rude.

Here's a hint for you, when you think you might be a bit sinus whiffy, take some fenugreek capsules. They are marvellous for dealing with it. Take it whenever you feel a bit sinusey as a precaution for smell, and also just to make you breathe better. (Also brilliant before flying, to make sure there's no ear/sinus blockage for the flight - reduces the ear pressure pain by making sure everything is clear beforehand.)

Paloma12 · 21/08/2014 13:38

People wouldn't necessarily tell you if you had bad breath. Everyone's embarrassed. I worked with someone who had the worst breath I have ever encountered, and clearly nobody ever told him, because it never changed in 7 years!

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 13:40

I am confident it's fine, have regular check ups at the dentist, work with teenagers some of whom have severe behavioural problems, no fillings at all, married to a lovely but painfully honest man :) thank you!

I think I just encountered a VERY rude woman!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 21/08/2014 13:45

Yes, that was a rude thing to say. I'm confused by why hay fever blocking the back of your throat would make your breath smell though?

sweetnessandlite · 21/08/2014 13:46

Yanbu. How rude. I hope your hay fever clears up and in the meantime, I think there's something you can get from the chemist for bad breath, it's called B12 something (not the vitamin B12)

Seriouslyffs · 21/08/2014 13:49

It was very rude!
It's ok, wise even to tell someone you're close to or have to spend a long time with especially I they can do something about it- as you're settling down for a long journey and they can have a mint, but randomly like that, vvv rude.
As an aside hurrah the OPs posts are now highlighted!

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 13:51

Roll - just that I breathe through my mouth a bit more :) I notice it with the children at school when they have a runny nose they can be a bit more pongy than normal. I wouldn't ever say something though!

Yes I am highlighted hurray!

OP posts:
Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 13:52

Sweet I honestly think it was a one off, DH has assured me no problems and so did my friend!

OP posts:
Paloma12 · 21/08/2014 13:55

Oh yes, sorry, she was definitely rude. But I don't think you can know about your own breath iyswim Grin I can't smell my DH's breath first thing in the morning anymore, I think I just got used it.

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 13:58

Paloma honestly I would have been told by the kids if it was a persistent problem :) I know that it's easy to sit here and think 'yeah yeah' but I am confident about this if nothing else! Which is why I think the lady last night was SO rude.

OP posts:
deakymom · 21/08/2014 14:21

rude obviously personally i don't tell anyone unless its a really persistent problem (even then i might not) but i have a totally sensitive nose i mean really sensitive so what pongs to me might be mild to others

i have however told my school teacher at school he reeked of garlic (nicely of course) but he did eat the stuff raw and he didn't believe in soap or deodorant (just water) so it was extremely eye watering!

my nose is so good i can usually smell infections so people are usually quite stinky to me even i wouldn't say what she did!

Beastofburden · 21/08/2014 14:28

Difficult. Obviously she was rude and actually there wasn't much point telling you anyway as she didn't have to speak to you again.

OTOH I have come across a number of ppl over the years who truly do smell but are convinced they don't. It is really difficult to know what to do. The people who think they might smell always deal with it, so you are left with the hard cases who are convinced they don't. They will tell you that they don't need deodorant as they never sweat, or they only shower every other day, or that their hair only needs washing twice a week, or, funny that, they can't remember when they last dry-cleaned their trousers, or yes they did have the garlic last night...and you are sitting there silently heaving, wondering what it takes to get their attention.

Is there any way that someone could say something to you which might make you reconsider? Or are you starting from the position that you are quite certain you don't smell? Because, unfortunately, that would make you normal among smelly people. Also normal among not-smelly ppl, which is kind of the problem.

Paloma12 · 21/08/2014 14:31

Yy Beast, I have a friend who is just like that!! Exactly.

Original poster
chumrun · 21/08/2014 14:39

Beast it's really difficult I know but the fact I was slightly aware of it myself should hopefully be an indication I'm not like that.

I have (honestly!) perfect teeth. No fillings at all which I gather amongst friends is quite unusual, regular dental checkups, my teeth 'look' clean - they are white and strong - and this has been favourably commented on by others.

I am an assistant headteacher in a secondary school and some of the children we get are "not backwards in coming forwards" and I have a husband who I kiss Wink and friends I chat to. Obviously you can never be totally, 100% sure I guess but the overwhelming evidence given this is the only comment I've had relating to an offensive odour in my life other than occasional jokey ones after we've all had a curry or something is that I don't usually smell bad and since the carer was RIGHT next to me and I was shouting a bit (NDN is a bit deaf!) I don't think it was that bad.

Of course I might be fooling myself and my nearest and dearest have actually been choking under my foul
odour for years but it isn't likely is it :)

But I think even if I did smell it was incredibly rude to bring it up like that - I'd never do it and I come across a lot of people who smell less than fresh.

OP posts:
Beastofburden · 21/08/2014 14:51

True, chem, I do believe you, I was really just musing on the bigger issue as I have suffered a lot from it over the years.

In your case, I do agree that she was rude. Perhaps she is a bit impulsive and socially inept, so she says the first thing that comes into her head.