To think it's rude to tell someone they smell?

[chumrun]

Obviously, if it was an ongoing problem like body odour or halitosis that would be different.

Went to my next door neighbours house last night to give a birthday card. Neighbour is very elderly and requires care. She's also a bit deaf, so I leaned over to speak to her as one of her carers also leaned over. Carer pulls a face and says something like "ugh, have you been eating garlic?"

I hadn't, as it happens, but I do have just a touch of hayfever which is probably blocking the back of my mouth a bit. But no one else has complained!

AIBU to think this was extremely bad manners?! It's made me quite cross!

[chumrun]

I'm not asking for advice on my hygiene though :) and I definitely haven't been rude to anybody here

I have to admit I was surprised by initial posts that implied I was the rude one for daring to venture near anyone with my fetid breath so I hastily explained this was not the case!

[fiorentina]

She was rude but sorry to say that you also are a little rude asking for advice and then ignoring all responses.

[Tikimon]

I only tell people they smell if I'm staying with them. It's not hard to shower.

But they're normally close friends or family, so it's fine.

Some people need to be told about their smell, but it should be done by someone in a sensitive manner. It's better you tell them before everyone talks and makes fun of them behind their back.

[AdamLambsbreath]

I've worked with people who stink, and had to tolerate it for years. One guy grew mildew on his dreadlocks. MILDEW.

And we had to work outside, in summer, in the hot hot sun.

It was grim.

He knew full well though. It was all part of a late teen rebellion thing. No-one said anything (apart from to our manager, who failed to deal with it professionally), but eventually after 3 years someone snapped and sprayed the guy with Lynx in the changing rooms.

Not kind, but I can't get too cross about it

[ThatBloodyWoman]

I think it shows a distinct lack of social skills and concern for others feelings.

[Beastofburden]

I agree. I had a colleague who truly honked and I never found a acceptable way to raise it with him. If you say nothing they don't know- but if you say so etching, it is so personal and difficult, especially when they start from the premise that you are wrong, because then you have to give evidence that it is true and prove it to them, and that is just awful (everyone thinks you smell, it's not just me...)

[chumrun]

I know what you mean as I worked with a lady with dreadful body odour; I don't know how she didn't notice herself to be honest!

But even if it was someone you knew well you wouldn't deal with it by saying 'eww' or 'ugh' surely - well I might with DH if he reeks to cuddle me when all sweaty and stinky!

[Beastofburden]

True, chem, I do believe you, I was really just musing on the bigger issue as I have suffered a lot from it over the years.

In your case, I do agree that she was rude. Perhaps she is a bit impulsive and socially inept, so she says the first thing that comes into her head.

[chumrun]

Beast it's really difficult I know but the fact I was slightly aware of it myself should hopefully be an indication I'm not like that.

I have (honestly!) perfect teeth. No fillings at all which I gather amongst friends is quite unusual, regular dental checkups, my teeth 'look' clean - they are white and strong - and this has been favourably commented on by others.

I am an assistant headteacher in a secondary school and some of the children we get are "not backwards in coming forwards" and I have a husband who I kiss and friends I chat to. Obviously you can never be totally, 100% sure I guess but the overwhelming evidence given this is the only comment I've had relating to an offensive odour in my life other than occasional jokey ones after we've all had a curry or something is that I don't usually smell bad and since the carer was RIGHT next to me and I was shouting a bit (NDN is a bit deaf!) I don't think it was that bad.

Of course I might be fooling myself and my nearest and dearest have actually been choking under my foul
odour for years but it isn't likely is it :)

But I think even if I did smell it was incredibly rude to bring it up like that - I'd never do it and I come across a lot of people who smell less than fresh.

[Paloma12]

Yy Beast, I have a friend who is just like that!! Exactly.

[Beastofburden]

Difficult. Obviously she was rude and actually there wasn't much point telling you anyway as she didn't have to speak to you again.

OTOH I have come across a number of ppl over the years who truly do smell but are convinced they don't. It is really difficult to know what to do. The people who think they might smell always deal with it, so you are left with the hard cases who are convinced they don't. They will tell you that they don't need deodorant as they never sweat, or they only shower every other day, or that their hair only needs washing twice a week, or, funny that, they can't remember when they last dry-cleaned their trousers, or yes they did have the garlic last night...and you are sitting there silently heaving, wondering what it takes to get their attention.

Is there any way that someone could say something to you which might make you reconsider? Or are you starting from the position that you are quite certain you don't smell? Because, unfortunately, that would make you normal among smelly people. Also normal among not-smelly ppl, which is kind of the problem.

[deakymom]

rude obviously personally i don't tell anyone unless its a really persistent problem (even then i might not) but i have a totally sensitive nose i mean really sensitive so what pongs to me might be mild to others

i have however told my school teacher at school he reeked of garlic (nicely of course) but he did eat the stuff raw and he didn't believe in soap or deodorant (just water) so it was extremely eye watering!

my nose is so good i can usually smell infections so people are usually quite stinky to me even i wouldn't say what she did!

[chumrun]

Paloma honestly I would have been told by the kids if it was a persistent problem :) I know that it's easy to sit here and think 'yeah yeah' but I am confident about this if nothing else! Which is why I think the lady last night was SO rude.

[Paloma12]

Oh yes, sorry, she was definitely rude. But I don't think you can know about your own breath iyswim I can't smell my DH's breath first thing in the morning anymore, I think I just got used it.

[chumrun]

Sweet I honestly think it was a one off, DH has assured me no problems and so did my friend!

[chumrun]

Roll - just that I breathe through my mouth a bit more :) I notice it with the children at school when they have a runny nose they can be a bit more pongy than normal. I wouldn't ever say something though!

Yes I am highlighted hurray!

[Seriouslyffs]

It was very rude!
It's ok, wise even to tell someone you're close to or have to spend a long time with especially I they can do something about it- as you're settling down for a long journey and they can have a mint, but randomly like that, vvv rude.
As an aside hurrah the OPs posts are now highlighted!

[sweetnessandlite]

Yanbu. How rude. I hope your hay fever clears up and in the meantime, I think there's something you can get from the chemist for bad breath, it's called B12 something (not the vitamin B12)

[rollonthesummer]

Yes, that was a rude thing to say. I'm confused by why hay fever blocking the back of your throat would make your breath smell though?

[chumrun]

I am confident it's fine, have regular check ups at the dentist, work with teenagers some of whom have severe behavioural problems, no fillings at all, married to a lovely but painfully honest man :) thank you!

I think I just encountered a VERY rude woman!

[Paloma12]

People wouldn't necessarily tell you if you had bad breath. Everyone's embarrassed. I worked with someone who had the worst breath I have ever encountered, and clearly nobody ever told him, because it never changed in 7 years!

[FrootLoopy]

You will only notice when it's REALLY bad I'm afraid. DH and I are very, very cautious about it. And you know, I think it IS rude to go close to people if you think you might be whiffy from a blocked nose or have garlic. So now that you know, if you keep it up, you'll be the one being rude.

Here's a hint for you, when you think you might be a bit sinus whiffy, take some fenugreek capsules. They are marvellous for dealing with it. Take it whenever you feel a bit sinusey as a precaution for smell, and also just to make you breathe better. (Also brilliant before flying, to make sure there's no ear/sinus blockage for the flight - reduces the ear pressure pain by making sure everything is clear beforehand.)

[chumrun]

I guess so Adam was prepared for maybe people asking if I was sure I haven't got bad breath which is a fair question; I just can't believe one person thinks it's rude to go anywhere near anyone else if you might have eaten something garlicky or have a blocked nose or whatever!

But I was a bit annoyed by it and it made me feel bad, so I suppose you're right and I've already decided I wasn't BU! I've never had anyone complain but I know when my tonsils go I can feel an unpleasant taste, usually I have a good brush which solves the problem but I hadn't noticed it myself yesterday.

[AdamLambsbreath]

The thing with posting in AIBU, chumrun, is that by doing so you're asking a question. You've got to be prepared to hear people chime in on both sides!

Sounds like you've already decided you weren't BU and are hoping for everyone to agree. But I'll tell you now that not everyone will

FWIW I think the carer's comment was phrased rudely, and I can understand why you were upset. Sympathies re your sinuses as well, mine are a nightmare. Plus I eat tons of garlic. Good job I don't have a 'customer-fronting' job . . .

[chumrun]

Really, do you lot tell everybody who is a bit whiffy who you encounter on a daily basis - 'ugh, you smell.'

It's not like it's deliberate, and for what it's worth I was sitting next to my neighbour and she leaned over me. It's just a little bit of a blocked nose, I really can't help it, I don't think it's rude to have a blocked nose and stand near somebody!

"It doesn't mean if nobody has told you so far that it's not true."

In ten years of teaching teenagers no one has mentioned it, or DH or family - I'm fairly confident my breath is generally fine, it was just a bit of hayfever