Need opinions and to get this off my chest - husband's behaviour with ex-friends of mine

[sanityisamyth]

I'm sure this will out me but I'm beyond caring!

I'm a teacher in a secondary school. At my first school (I was 23), I had a tutor group of 30 mixed sex 11 year olds. We keep them for the 5 years they are at school, so I got to know them all pretty well. I also ran a riding club at the school and one of the girl's in the tutor group joined. I got to know her better through the horses. I also got to know her mother very well, as she would watch her daughter's lesson. Every week we would spend over an hour chatting. This continued after the daughter left school as her brother also joined the club (I kept it running in the year neither was at the school purely for their benefit so they got discount lessons).

The mother was lovely to me - we went shopping, on camping holidays etc and had a lovely relationship. She has sons who are my age so she treated me like a daughter. I have issues with my own mother so it was lovely to feel part of a family again. My husband was also welcomed into the family. He's very socially awkward and used to sit in the car a lot whilst I was in with the family. Eventually he came in and joined in as well. The mother had a difficult relationship with her eldest son (he walked out years ago) and admitted many times that my husband is like the replacement for her "lost" son.

3 years ago I brought my pony over from another livery yard to keep my big horse company at a private yard. When I was collecting him, his field-mate was in there. Girl in tutor group (GITG) said she liked his field-mate and could we take him too, for her brother to ride - she would take on my pony. I arranged this (the other pony's owner was really interested in him so it did her a favour). I paid for absolutely everything for all three horses - livery, feed, shoeing, vets etc. I didn't mind as we all got on really well.

Everything was going absolutely fine until nearly a year ago.

At Easter (last year), I became pregnant with my first child. I had no problems with the pregnancy in the first few months (no morning sickness, no cravings - was lovely :)) but had really bad SPD in the last few months. I dislocated my knee in September (was 24 weeks pregnant) and really struggled to do the horses. GITG and husband (and occasionally GITG's brother) did the horses for me.

It was a really horrible winter - very cold and wet. Not ideal to do horses, but GITG and husband did the best they could with them. Neither are particularly experienced, but kept them fed and watered. The mucking out wasn't always done as there wasn't any lighting up there.

When LO was born (around Christmas) I didn't want to take him up there in the wind and rain so GITG and husband carried on with the horses. Husband would leave home at 7 am for work, get back at 5 ish, get changed quickly, drive 7 miles to collect GITG (and occasionally her brother), do the horses, drop GITG back, then come home. He'd come back at about 9pm, announcing the family had fed him, he'd watched TV and had a cuppa. Did I want anything to eat?

So that's at least 14 hours out of the house, leaving me with newborn, recovering from SPD, whilst he was having a social with my friends? There was also no food in the house (very skint due to him taking out countless pay day loans) and I didn't fancy eating at 9 o'clock at night so quite often I went without supper. Not ideal when breastfeeding a newborn.

I kept making comments and dropping hints that he seemed to be at the stables for a long time, and did he really need to be at their house afterwards for so long but he never got the message. I should have been more clear maybe.

On the nicer days, I went up to the stables with LO on my own to do the horses. I'd have to completely clear the stables out (which took a lot of effort and energy) to catch up on the mucking out they hadn't done. I also noticed that my horse had a very dirty belly from lying down in the muck - so bad I had to clip it off. All through this, I bit my tongue as I didn't want to upset or offend GITG or husband as they had done the horses for me throughout a really horrible winter. Throughout all of this, not knowing how close her and DH had got, I was texting her asking if she wanted to meet up and go riding etc. I never got a reply.

Fast forward to this Easter. LO was 4 mo and we'd been invited camping with the family. GITG brings her boyfriend (they had been together 4 months or so) and she was really obnoxious. Very unlike the girl I knew. I know that she was in a relatively new relationship but she used to be very kind, very thoughtful and helpful. All week she was rude to everyone.

Husband and boyfriend, for GITG's birthday, bought her a double camping chair so that her and BF could sit together. She wouldn't let ANYONE else sit on it. Her brother tried a couple of times (there was nowhere else to sit) and she grabbed him by the ankles and threw him on the floor. The whole week was very stressful and unpleasant. I said a few times to DH that I wanted to go home but he didn't want to.

DH had her mobile number. I knew they sent text messages to each other but he was getting more and more secretive. Towards the end of the holiday I asked to see his phone. He has always been secretive about his phone, but I managed to get my hands on it. He ripped it out of my hands (nearly breaking my wrist in the process) and deleted all the messages between him and her.

I went to see GITG's mother and told her what had happened. GITG waved her phone under my nose saying I could read it on her phone. I didn't but I now know why DH deleted it - he told GITG that he didn't love me, and wanted to leave me. Her mother said I was being ridiculous. Husband loved me and what would he see in someone 12 years younger than him, especially as she had a BF anyway???

I told husband that I didn't want him texting her anymore. I was very very clear about this.

On the last day, GITG was asked, by her parents, to help turn their caravan round so they could hitch it on their car to tow it out to go home. Her and her BF refused, as they were already in the car. So they watching their parents (the mother has a bad shoulder and the father has a heart condition) turn a 3 tonne caravan round on their own whilst they sat in the car eating sweets. We couldn't help as we were the other side of the barrier and couldn't get back to them. We also didn't know they needed help.

In the afternoon I sent her a text asking if she wanted to come riding. No reply. She sent me a message later - "what happened to this friendship we used to be so close". I had had enough by this point so sent her a message stating how I felt. The week had been awful and very stressful.

"You have been nothing but a bitch to everyone this week. I hear you and the ginger minger (the BF - the whole family was joking all week he was ginger) refused to help your parents move a 3 tonne caravan with [your mother's] bad shoulder. You have been nothing but spiteful to [your brother] and I have stopped you having any contact with [my husband]. You have ruined the start of my time of being a mother as I do not trust what you and [husband] were doing at the stables. My horse was so neglected I had to shave the sh*t off him because you didn't do any mucking out. To turn round and refuse to have a picture taken with [your mother] was cruel and caused many tears. I would do anything to have a family like yours and you can't see what you are doing to it. I really hope you know what you are doing. Everyone has a problem with [your boyfriend]. He is controlling you and you will lose everything. I will always be here for you. Let me know when you realise and decide x"

Yes, not a pleasant message but I had bitten my tongue for months. The whole family had spent the whole week telling me they were worried that GITG was pregnant and didn't like the boyfriend. I felt that she needed to know that as they were about the throw her out of the house as she was being so unpleasant to everyone.

I apologised. Profusely. I bought her a pair of earrings and gave her a rosette I won on the pony she rode for me. I also tried to find her BF a job as he was sick of the shop work he had been doing for years. Absolutely none of it was recognised.

I sent her more messages to ask if she wanted to come riding. Everything was ignored. I finally got reply to say that she was going to go shopping on one of the days I asked her. I had already had a message from another friend asking if she could come riding with me. I told GITG that the other friend could ride my horse. She kicked off big time - I'd ruined her life and taken away the most important thing in the world to her. She wouldn't listen that it was only 1 ride, 1 day. Again, I apologised.

I knew husband was texting GITG and knew that he wouldn't tell me what about. He got a new phone so had to back the old one up. I found out how to read his backed up messages on his laptop. He'd sent her 500 messages in the 3 weeks from the camping holiday to then.

Just a small sample:

HIM TO HER "She seems to be coming back to her normal self but how long is that for and can I go through it again I don't know. Is catch 22 as need space to decide but worry about her and William coping. Sorry shouldn't go on about it to you. I just don't want you lose you either that is my biggest fear"

HER TO HIM "I stand by my decision that I never want anything to do with her again. If she's going on holiday next time then I'm not"

HIM TO HER "I fully understand that. It's just such a huge decision for me. I haven't stopped thinking about it since t kicked off. I even asked [your boyfriend] his opinion I hope you don't mind"

HIM TO HER "I can't talk to anyone like I do to you. I just want to be able to see and do stuff with you too. Do you think it is definitely final between you two?"

HER TO HIM "I'm not forgiving that. She's been funny towards me for months. That text was uncalled for and seriously below the belt. I really never want to see her again or I will just smack her in the face"

HIM TO HER "You know what I'm like, and keep coming back to thinking what is best for everyone else and have no idea anymore what would be best for me. I keep looking for a solution but can't find one and have no one I can really talk to about it. I hate going on about it to you as you quite rightly want me to make up my mind and choose"

HER TO HIM "She's given [my pony] to [my friend]. I hate her. That's my life over. No pony, no escape"

HIM TO HER "I don't know what I'm choosing I want the normal [wife] back but don't know if that will happen. You know how much you mean to me and I can't stand you being annoyed with me. Is there anything I can do to show you that?"

HER TO HIM "I 'put up with you' because you are a one in a million friend who I don't really want to lose."

HIM TO HER "Thank you. I feel the same way about you. I always feel happy and relaxed around you. You are v special. I think I need the next couple of days to try and save my marriage or see if there is one worrh saving."

HER TO HIM "Yeah I understand. This is goodbye for now then"

HIM TO HER "No I just might not message as much for next few days and prob won't be around this weekend. I still really value your opinion. You still think I should leave?. Hope driving gies well. Let me know how it goes?"

HER TO HIM "I don't see what you see in [your wife]. At the moment I really don't want anything to do with her ever.Will do"

HIM TO HER "At the moment I'm not sure. I want the old [wife] back that we all liked but not sure it's still there or wants to be with me. Thank you for sticking by me. [Your BF] has been great to me too. You've been brilliant to me over the last year or so.

HER TO HIM "I've never once seen her give you a hug or tell you she loves you. I know you've been together a while and [BF] and I haven't but he's always telling me and even if not a hug he holds my hand or something to let me know he's there. I've never seen a loving look on [your wife's] face towards you. I don't think there's anything there but obviously I'm on the outside looking in and don't know how life was before or what goes on behind closed doors. [BF] has handled the situation amazingly well. He so easily could've walked away but instead he's stood by me. He hates [your wife] for what she's done though"

HIM TO HER "Thanks for that. Is good to hear it from someone else. I'm giving it this weekend to see if anything there otherwise I'm going to move out for a bit at least. I'm thankful he still talks to me could easily have told me to F off."

HIM TO HER "Of course you don't and shouldn't be apologising. Do you think there is any chance if it being sorted in the future? You guys are so lovely to me. I will lose [my wife] before you guys. You all had ok day?"

HER TO HIM "Not to hurt you or anything but since being with [BF]I can see just how wrecked your relationship is. I'm not saying that my relationship is perfect 'cause it's not but in comparison yours is seems like more of a friendship"

Most of these messages were sent whilst husband and I were trying to have a weekend - just the three of us. Him, me and LO to try to sort things out.

What I also didn't realise was he was texting her BF - a man who I had met 3 times and then found him rude and difficult on the holiday.

Husband to GITG's BF "Just wish could have you guys [GITG and her BF] round of an evening. Where can I send [my wife]?! :p"

BF TO HUSBAND "Nah don't be silly! Lol you shouldn't say that! :P"

HUSBAND TO BF "How should I say it! :P were you not thinking it too?!"

BF TO HUSBAND "Lol well yeah but I didn't want to have to :P"

He doesn't listen to you or respect for you or have you as his priority in his life.

He gets away with it because you allow him to. Sure, you tell him he's to have no contact etc, but he doesn't listen.

You measure your own worth by people pleasing. What you really need to do is turn it around and take care of yourself, not him. In so doing you can best take care of your LO and give him the best example.

I wish you luck. But you need to refocus around you, not him. He's just not worth it.

Babybat I blocked her weeks ago but it was another friend who told me about the photo - she recognised my pony. I've blocked the whole family and do not respond or reply to any of their messages.

I don't spend much time on there anymore, apart from in the private group I'm on with a lot of other young mums in the area. We meet up quite often for coffee and to take LOs swimming etc :) it's lovely getting away from DH :)

I had something happen to my marriage that had similarities to this. In my case not so DH of 20 yrs was Online Dating, which I found by accident. It became very obvious, after I found out and challenged him, that he didn't care that I was very upset, and was prepared to do nothing to sort it out. I made the classic mistake of beliveing him when he told me I was very important to him, rather than looking at his behaviour which showed he didn't. He had zero respect for me, had been abusive in a lower-level way for many years, but when he started on our teenage DD with his head-fuck games I threw him out. It was very traumatic, and played out on here. I still have problems with him, although he re-married with indecent haste. I had to name-change from a name with certain similarities to this one to avoid the cyber-stalking (Lioness anyone?).
I personally don't think a relationship gets over something like this, and I don't think I could ever have really forgiven many of the things he did, even had he been prepared to examine his horrible behaviour, which ultimately he wasn't. I realise that my DD was teenage, whilst your LO is small. What I would say is don't underestimate the effects on your mental health of living with someone who should love you most in the world, who has no respect for you. My MH has been much better since I kicked him out and divorced him. It wasn't easy. But neither was living with an abusive arsehole. x

Uncrushed parsley that sounds horrible. Your poor DD, and you. Thanks for sharing that with me. I'm very grateful to everyone on here for their advice and support. It's horrible to know others have been through similar experiences but it's reassuring to know there's light at the end of the tunnel.

:)

Completely agree with elephants

Your husband sounds infatuated with her.
The whole relationship with a student and her family was inappropriate and too intense - but you know that so I won't labour the point.
The girl now sounds as as if she's bored of it.

Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt...you did say he was socially awkward - maybe he genuinely is obtuse. Some of the texts do hint at concern about you (yes, more about the impact on HIM, but I'm trying to give him the benefit of the doubt...)

On a practical level, if you leave him you are REALLY going to need to keep hold of your job. There are many identifying details in this post and there are instances where you've blurred the lines of professionalism. I urge you to get it removed.

Also, to echo others, PLEASE take care regarding your medication.

Good luck.

I agree with everyone else re seeing your GP.

However I think I must be reading a different thread to everyone else?

Your DH has been putting in very long days and driving this girl about to ensure your horses are done when he's not horsey.

You say there's no lighting down there which makes mucking out difficult. Then you say you had to clip due to stable muck and have a go about it.

You say your DH isn't supportive and yet he's ensured your horses are looked at daily over a very difficult winter, one most of us horsey people would say was the worst in recent history. My DH isn't horsey and he wouldn't do it, I would have considered it too much anyway and loaned them out or sold if I couldn't afford to pay for full livery.

He's supported you by doing the horses and you don't seem to think that is support?

This doesn't read like an emotional affair to me, It sounds to me like your DH and the girl both feel like they have been taken for granted and that being so, are united in their annoyance at you for it.

Difference is, the girl is sick of you and your DH is trying to stand by you.

Oh and FWIW even if they haven't done anything physical, he HAS been grooming her.

Thanks Sorry,

Yes that might be wise. I now work in a different place to the one the girl was at but I get the point.

I'm feeling a million times better and stronger for reading the replies. Will keep hold of them to look back on and maybe to show husband that I'm not overreacting or being unreasonable to insist on no contact with girl or her family.

joysmum I veered that way too, but those texts...

This sounds an exhausting situation to be in the middle of! The lack of support from H is disgusting and if he wants to make your marriage work he SHOULD be supporting YOU! If he won't cut contact with them, then he's showing you where his priorities are. If he needs someone to talk to then find a therapist! And it really does sound like he fancies her

joysmum I told them how grateful I was for them doing the horses over the winter. I did them as often as I could but the weather was vile and really didn't want LO out in the weather - he was only a few weeks old when the SPD wore off a bit.

Up to this winter the girl and her brother had 2 years of absolutely unlimited riding without costing them anything. Every single time they wanted to go riding, I did all the transport - 30 mile round trip just to collect them and take them home, with no thanks or mention of the petrol money etc. The extra pony I arranged for them I had to buy all the tack (bridle, saddle etc) and there was never any recognition for it.

Yes, they did the horses for a few months over a bad winter. But surely considering the previous two years, it was the least they could do?

You can't insist on a grown man not having contact with anyone. You can make it clear it upsets you and if he's wanting to continue with your relationship he needs to think about his relationship with her/them.

He doesn't want to do that because whatever he is getting out of that relationship is worth more to him than not upsetting you.

I'm sorry but you can't try to fix this by demanding he does things - he should want to do them anyway because it hurts you if he doesn't.

It really doesn't seem that he loves you. That's horrible and painful but he's saying that in words in texts to other people and in his deeds.

He's infatuated, she led him on for a while and has got bored.

He is an utter dick. Leave him.

Check that he didn't give her any money (wouldn't surprise me if that's why she was stringing him along).

theysayIamparanoid I think he has cut contact. He's still bloody secretive about his phone. I might ask I can have a look at it later, and see what he says. It's always face down. Whenever it vibrates (it's never on loud) he turns the screen away so only he can see it. He's really busy with work at the moment so he usually says it's a work e-mail but I have no idea whether it's true or not.

A few nights ago he went out for a drink with some woman I've never met before. He said he was going for a coffee. He was out for 3 hours?

Mrs B - yes that's what her mother said. I can't stop him having contact with whoever he wants. She's right. I can't. I have told him over and over again how much it upsets me and it took a lot of "persuasion" to convince him that I was deadly serious - it was either them, or his family. I don't do ultimatums usually. I'm the least confrontational person in the world, but there's a limit.

primallass - I don't think any money changed hands? I know he bought her food and sweets etc (the wrappers were in my car ) but don't think cash changed hands.

Don't waste years, as I did, assuming that if he really understood the effect he was having on you he would stop it. He does understand, but ultimately you are secondary to the desire for some kind of relationship, whether emotional or full-on with this young woman.

Whether he helped with the horses or not is almost irrelevant to his shitty behaviour since.

I meant about having the photo deleted doesn't change the fact your husband is a dick head. Asking, begging, them to delete it just gives them something to laugh about .

I never have to worry about what my husband is up to or wring my hands about how much he us upsetting me. It should be the same for you. Just get rid. And he isn't brilliant with your child when he treats his mother as he does you.

itsfab ah I see :) no it doesn't. But if he had actually done as I'd asked him to do (and explained the reasons behind it) he'd have asked for it to be deleted too. I felt totally and utterly let down by him. Even more so when the mother accused me of bullying her husband when I did nothing of the sort. My husband actually said how calm and reasonable I was. He neglected to point this out to her, for fear of upsetting her. At no point was he ever on "my side", supporting his own wife :(

There's a toy my LO likes - it's a book which sings nursery rhymes. Sometimes it asks "where does the cow live". I let slip once "[in the road where family live]". He had a massive go at me because I wasn't letting things go . . . I know I need to move on but feel I can't because he hasn't actually admitted things are over between him and them.

Counselling (and a large G&T) needed.

I've reported this thread.

Thanks SOOOOOO much for all your replies. I'm very grateful. I will carry on checking until it gets pulled xxx

sanityisamyth - if you want to keep this thread, fine, but DON'T ever show it to him or even let him know that it exists. It could cause a lot of trouble for you personally and professionally and you really don't need that at the moment.

If its only a work thing, then he should have no problem with you seeing his phone. If he says you are paranoid, point out that his behavior has done that!

zeezeek don't worry - I won't. I've saved the posts on a word document just to look back on if times get tough again and I need to feel justified :)

x

Ok. I'll probably be flamed for this, but here goes:
I initially thought DH was grooming her too, but after getting to the end of your OP (read it three times just to make sure) all I can see is a woman suffering depression and possibly PND and thinking DH is having an EA.

Personally I don't think this is the case. DH and GITG helped you a lot - spending more time together and maybe you put 1+1=3. Maybe he's seen a change in you that you can't see? Perhaps, wrongly, he confided in this woman about his problems as you said My husband was also welcomed into the family. He's very socially awkward and used to sit in the car a lot whilst I was in with the family. Eventually he came in and joined in as well. The mother had a difficult relationship with her eldest son (he walked out years ago) and admitted many times that my husband is like the replacement for her "lost" son
He obviously felt comfortable enough to relax and be himself with this family, as had you. They welcomed you in to their family as their own.

Perhaps he needed someone to talk to, those texts do seem intimate, but not in a way that I thought they were having an affair. He may want to leave you. And he may think he likes her - but from my understanding he needed to talk about your depression and the effect it's having on those close to you.

I think there are two (perhaps 3 or 4) sides to this story. A few things are pricking up at me.

First and foremost you need to speak to GP re your depression. If you have been diagnosed as manic depressive (correct me if I'm wrong) then you might be clouded. Why haven't you taken your meds?

Then you need to speak to DH and get down to the nitty gritty - all is not well at home and you need to figure out why and what he and you need to do to repair your marriage - if that's what you want.

FWIW I don't think there was an affair. I think he loves you and by his own words wants his 'old wife back'

Hard as it is OP, it really sounds as though your husband and you are just not compatible. Please don't waste any more years on this man.

One of the first things that jumped out to me in your original post was what a massively inappropriate overstepping of professional boundaries the whole friendship is. Detach from all of these people and don't get so closely involved with a pupil and their family in future.

Joysmum, I rather thought he was 'looking after the horses' because his teenage target likes them! It's fairly likely they spent most of their stable time telling each other how wonderful they are - and he was grooming her more than the pony.

Sanity, you do not have to buy, or even earn, friendship. You were 'giving' - actually, sacrificing - much to the girl and her family, expecting something emotional in return (devotion, loyalty, approval?) I think you've got quite a voyage of discovery ahead but, as numerous adages point out, it's necessary to make space for the new by ditching the old.

theysayiamparanoid I have pointed that out to him. I've told him so many times I don't trust him. Especially after he went out for that drink the other day with some woman I've never met before.