Need opinions and to get this off my chest - husband's behaviour with ex-friends of mine

[sanityisamyth]

I'm sure this will out me but I'm beyond caring!

I'm a teacher in a secondary school. At my first school (I was 23), I had a tutor group of 30 mixed sex 11 year olds. We keep them for the 5 years they are at school, so I got to know them all pretty well. I also ran a riding club at the school and one of the girl's in the tutor group joined. I got to know her better through the horses. I also got to know her mother very well, as she would watch her daughter's lesson. Every week we would spend over an hour chatting. This continued after the daughter left school as her brother also joined the club (I kept it running in the year neither was at the school purely for their benefit so they got discount lessons).

The mother was lovely to me - we went shopping, on camping holidays etc and had a lovely relationship. She has sons who are my age so she treated me like a daughter. I have issues with my own mother so it was lovely to feel part of a family again. My husband was also welcomed into the family. He's very socially awkward and used to sit in the car a lot whilst I was in with the family. Eventually he came in and joined in as well. The mother had a difficult relationship with her eldest son (he walked out years ago) and admitted many times that my husband is like the replacement for her "lost" son.

3 years ago I brought my pony over from another livery yard to keep my big horse company at a private yard. When I was collecting him, his field-mate was in there. Girl in tutor group (GITG) said she liked his field-mate and could we take him too, for her brother to ride - she would take on my pony. I arranged this (the other pony's owner was really interested in him so it did her a favour). I paid for absolutely everything for all three horses - livery, feed, shoeing, vets etc. I didn't mind as we all got on really well.

Everything was going absolutely fine until nearly a year ago.

At Easter (last year), I became pregnant with my first child. I had no problems with the pregnancy in the first few months (no morning sickness, no cravings - was lovely :)) but had really bad SPD in the last few months. I dislocated my knee in September (was 24 weeks pregnant) and really struggled to do the horses. GITG and husband (and occasionally GITG's brother) did the horses for me.

It was a really horrible winter - very cold and wet. Not ideal to do horses, but GITG and husband did the best they could with them. Neither are particularly experienced, but kept them fed and watered. The mucking out wasn't always done as there wasn't any lighting up there.

When LO was born (around Christmas) I didn't want to take him up there in the wind and rain so GITG and husband carried on with the horses. Husband would leave home at 7 am for work, get back at 5 ish, get changed quickly, drive 7 miles to collect GITG (and occasionally her brother), do the horses, drop GITG back, then come home. He'd come back at about 9pm, announcing the family had fed him, he'd watched TV and had a cuppa. Did I want anything to eat?

So that's at least 14 hours out of the house, leaving me with newborn, recovering from SPD, whilst he was having a social with my friends? There was also no food in the house (very skint due to him taking out countless pay day loans) and I didn't fancy eating at 9 o'clock at night so quite often I went without supper. Not ideal when breastfeeding a newborn.

I kept making comments and dropping hints that he seemed to be at the stables for a long time, and did he really need to be at their house afterwards for so long but he never got the message. I should have been more clear maybe.

On the nicer days, I went up to the stables with LO on my own to do the horses. I'd have to completely clear the stables out (which took a lot of effort and energy) to catch up on the mucking out they hadn't done. I also noticed that my horse had a very dirty belly from lying down in the muck - so bad I had to clip it off. All through this, I bit my tongue as I didn't want to upset or offend GITG or husband as they had done the horses for me throughout a really horrible winter. Throughout all of this, not knowing how close her and DH had got, I was texting her asking if she wanted to meet up and go riding etc. I never got a reply.

Fast forward to this Easter. LO was 4 mo and we'd been invited camping with the family. GITG brings her boyfriend (they had been together 4 months or so) and she was really obnoxious. Very unlike the girl I knew. I know that she was in a relatively new relationship but she used to be very kind, very thoughtful and helpful. All week she was rude to everyone.

Husband and boyfriend, for GITG's birthday, bought her a double camping chair so that her and BF could sit together. She wouldn't let ANYONE else sit on it. Her brother tried a couple of times (there was nowhere else to sit) and she grabbed him by the ankles and threw him on the floor. The whole week was very stressful and unpleasant. I said a few times to DH that I wanted to go home but he didn't want to.

DH had her mobile number. I knew they sent text messages to each other but he was getting more and more secretive. Towards the end of the holiday I asked to see his phone. He has always been secretive about his phone, but I managed to get my hands on it. He ripped it out of my hands (nearly breaking my wrist in the process) and deleted all the messages between him and her.

I went to see GITG's mother and told her what had happened. GITG waved her phone under my nose saying I could read it on her phone. I didn't but I now know why DH deleted it - he told GITG that he didn't love me, and wanted to leave me. Her mother said I was being ridiculous. Husband loved me and what would he see in someone 12 years younger than him, especially as she had a BF anyway???

I told husband that I didn't want him texting her anymore. I was very very clear about this.

On the last day, GITG was asked, by her parents, to help turn their caravan round so they could hitch it on their car to tow it out to go home. Her and her BF refused, as they were already in the car. So they watching their parents (the mother has a bad shoulder and the father has a heart condition) turn a 3 tonne caravan round on their own whilst they sat in the car eating sweets. We couldn't help as we were the other side of the barrier and couldn't get back to them. We also didn't know they needed help.

In the afternoon I sent her a text asking if she wanted to come riding. No reply. She sent me a message later - "what happened to this friendship we used to be so close". I had had enough by this point so sent her a message stating how I felt. The week had been awful and very stressful.

"You have been nothing but a bitch to everyone this week. I hear you and the ginger minger (the BF - the whole family was joking all week he was ginger) refused to help your parents move a 3 tonne caravan with [your mother's] bad shoulder. You have been nothing but spiteful to [your brother] and I have stopped you having any contact with [my husband]. You have ruined the start of my time of being a mother as I do not trust what you and [husband] were doing at the stables. My horse was so neglected I had to shave the sh*t off him because you didn't do any mucking out. To turn round and refuse to have a picture taken with [your mother] was cruel and caused many tears. I would do anything to have a family like yours and you can't see what you are doing to it. I really hope you know what you are doing. Everyone has a problem with [your boyfriend]. He is controlling you and you will lose everything. I will always be here for you. Let me know when you realise and decide x"

Yes, not a pleasant message but I had bitten my tongue for months. The whole family had spent the whole week telling me they were worried that GITG was pregnant and didn't like the boyfriend. I felt that she needed to know that as they were about the throw her out of the house as she was being so unpleasant to everyone.

I apologised. Profusely. I bought her a pair of earrings and gave her a rosette I won on the pony she rode for me. I also tried to find her BF a job as he was sick of the shop work he had been doing for years. Absolutely none of it was recognised.

I sent her more messages to ask if she wanted to come riding. Everything was ignored. I finally got reply to say that she was going to go shopping on one of the days I asked her. I had already had a message from another friend asking if she could come riding with me. I told GITG that the other friend could ride my horse. She kicked off big time - I'd ruined her life and taken away the most important thing in the world to her. She wouldn't listen that it was only 1 ride, 1 day. Again, I apologised.

I knew husband was texting GITG and knew that he wouldn't tell me what about. He got a new phone so had to back the old one up. I found out how to read his backed up messages on his laptop. He'd sent her 500 messages in the 3 weeks from the camping holiday to then.

Just a small sample:

HIM TO HER "She seems to be coming back to her normal self but how long is that for and can I go through it again I don't know. Is catch 22 as need space to decide but worry about her and William coping. Sorry shouldn't go on about it to you. I just don't want you lose you either that is my biggest fear"

HER TO HIM "I stand by my decision that I never want anything to do with her again. If she's going on holiday next time then I'm not"

HIM TO HER "I fully understand that. It's just such a huge decision for me. I haven't stopped thinking about it since t kicked off. I even asked [your boyfriend] his opinion I hope you don't mind"

HIM TO HER "I can't talk to anyone like I do to you. I just want to be able to see and do stuff with you too. Do you think it is definitely final between you two?"

HER TO HIM "I'm not forgiving that. She's been funny towards me for months. That text was uncalled for and seriously below the belt. I really never want to see her again or I will just smack her in the face"

HIM TO HER "You know what I'm like, and keep coming back to thinking what is best for everyone else and have no idea anymore what would be best for me. I keep looking for a solution but can't find one and have no one I can really talk to about it. I hate going on about it to you as you quite rightly want me to make up my mind and choose"

HER TO HIM "She's given [my pony] to [my friend]. I hate her. That's my life over. No pony, no escape"

HIM TO HER "I don't know what I'm choosing I want the normal [wife] back but don't know if that will happen. You know how much you mean to me and I can't stand you being annoyed with me. Is there anything I can do to show you that?"

HER TO HIM "I 'put up with you' because you are a one in a million friend who I don't really want to lose."

HIM TO HER "Thank you. I feel the same way about you. I always feel happy and relaxed around you. You are v special. I think I need the next couple of days to try and save my marriage or see if there is one worrh saving."

HER TO HIM "Yeah I understand. This is goodbye for now then"

HIM TO HER "No I just might not message as much for next few days and prob won't be around this weekend. I still really value your opinion. You still think I should leave?. Hope driving gies well. Let me know how it goes?"

HER TO HIM "I don't see what you see in [your wife]. At the moment I really don't want anything to do with her ever.Will do"

HIM TO HER "At the moment I'm not sure. I want the old [wife] back that we all liked but not sure it's still there or wants to be with me. Thank you for sticking by me. [Your BF] has been great to me too. You've been brilliant to me over the last year or so.

HER TO HIM "I've never once seen her give you a hug or tell you she loves you. I know you've been together a while and [BF] and I haven't but he's always telling me and even if not a hug he holds my hand or something to let me know he's there. I've never seen a loving look on [your wife's] face towards you. I don't think there's anything there but obviously I'm on the outside looking in and don't know how life was before or what goes on behind closed doors. [BF] has handled the situation amazingly well. He so easily could've walked away but instead he's stood by me. He hates [your wife] for what she's done though"

HIM TO HER "Thanks for that. Is good to hear it from someone else. I'm giving it this weekend to see if anything there otherwise I'm going to move out for a bit at least. I'm thankful he still talks to me could easily have told me to F off."

HIM TO HER "Of course you don't and shouldn't be apologising. Do you think there is any chance if it being sorted in the future? You guys are so lovely to me. I will lose [my wife] before you guys. You all had ok day?"

HER TO HIM "Not to hurt you or anything but since being with [BF]I can see just how wrecked your relationship is. I'm not saying that my relationship is perfect 'cause it's not but in comparison yours is seems like more of a friendship"

Most of these messages were sent whilst husband and I were trying to have a weekend - just the three of us. Him, me and LO to try to sort things out.

What I also didn't realise was he was texting her BF - a man who I had met 3 times and then found him rude and difficult on the holiday.

Husband to GITG's BF "Just wish could have you guys [GITG and her BF] round of an evening. Where can I send [my wife]?! :p"

BF TO HUSBAND "Nah don't be silly! Lol you shouldn't say that! :P"

HUSBAND TO BF "How should I say it! :P were you not thinking it too?!"

BF TO HUSBAND "Lol well yeah but I didn't want to have to :P"

If you are bi-polar you should go back on any prescribed medication to help you through this time and long term if necessary.

Your husband sounds horrible, really horrible, he knows about your past and still choose to leave you alone with a young baby. It is cruel and callous behaviour. You need stability and he will not give it to you.

Sounds like he is keen to get her opinion as he wants to get in her knickers, no other reason why an adult would be interested in a immature woman who is still practically a child.

He is keen on her opinion because he loves her. He may be shagging her, he may not. But he cares about her more than you and his family and still does so won't get rid of her.

So your only option is to get rid of him.

That's exactly how I feel phantomnamechanger.

The messages only started after friend turned 18. She's now 19. I have read all of the ones I downloaded and he read me all the ones from his new phone. I don't think it's grooming or sexual but I do think it is very inappropriate.

He saw how upset I was when I found that photo on FB of her riding my pony that weekend I was away and yet did NOTHING to tell her to delete it. He doesn't get it how it upset me???

what a horrible horrible man. Really messed up situation :(

Focus on YOU, and LTB

Phew, 19 is young. I'm putting myself in her position and thinking that at 19 I would FREAK OUT if my old teacher's husband was sending me these texts. Just so inappropriate.

Op you are in serious denial. Once you face up to what really happened, you can move on with your life. It's plain as day what he has done here.

He doesn't CARE how it upset you because she is a higher priority to him than you are.

I am sorry. But that is so so clear from all his texts. He isn't going to put you first.

YOU need to take care of you. He isn't going to.

How is your DH as a Dad? Does he spend much quality time with his DS? Could there be a chance he feels excluded since the birth?

Also what about the girl's mum? Do you still consider her a close friend?

I would try to put yourself in his shoes.

Imagine that you have a friend called A.

A and your husband have a falling out. A is incredibly rude to your husband, abuses his property without his permission, insults him in conversation with you and tries to undermine your marriage and tells you that your husband doesn't love you.

Would you want to remain friends with A? Would you continue to speak with A behind your husbands back when he'd specifically asked you not to?

I know I wouldn't. I would consider it to be a massive insult to my husband and a big betrayal.

I think you need to arrange two lots of counselling. One for you on your own to deal with your issues and couples counselling for you and your husband. If your husband won't go with you to counselling, still go on your own.

I think it's also really important that you personally have absolutely no further contact with this other family, not the daughter, not the mother, not the husband, not even the dog. It's not doing you any favours and saying anything to them is only going to make the situation worse. If you haven't already, block them on Facebook and every other social media account. Delete their numbers from your phone so you are not tempted to ring them. Change your number so they can't contact you.

You can't stop your husband from contacting them, but that's his problem.

I would also take a good look at your financial affairs and try to begin to separate them out from your husbands. If he is always taking out pay day loans he is not a good money manager. You need to be able to at least have enough money of your own to have food in the house.

I think you need to think of yourself as standing at a cross roads with two potential futures before you - and you need to plan for both.

Future A has you leaving your marriage and starting a new life. Make financial and practical plans for what you would do in that situation. I would maybe even have a conversation with your parents and see if they can support you moving back to Yorkshire if necessary.

Future B has you working on your marriage and making some changes to how you relate to each other and how you live your life. You need to make practical and financial plans for this scenario too.

I'm hugely pro marriage and I'm normally the sort of person who advises someone to throw all their focus into saving their marriage, but I think this is a really tricky one.

I wish you all the best xxx

He clearly cares more about her than you.

You could have this thread moved to the relationships board but it is likely that the MN collective will tell you to kick him out, and rightly so.

He doesn't respect you, he doesn't put you first. That should tell you all you need to know.

OP, you don't seem to realise the central problem: the reason why your husband doesn't bother conceding to your wishes, or defending you ro others is simple.

He doesn't love you all that much. He has one foot out the door.

Op. Have a massive massive hug xx. I can't speak. I'm utterly horrified that this has happened to you.

Huge hugs xx

Thanks everyone. I know there's a lot of personal stuff in here and I'm grateful for you all reading it through and telling me what I do believe - he is an arsehole (I've told him this many times). He keeps trying to tell me he's here for me and he loves me etc etc I just don't know what to believe when he says that. All I keep remembering is what he put in those texts.

Expat (I think) that is very frightening about the student you mentioned. Very worrying. I still don't believe anything like that happened with husband and friend but as others have said - I wasn't there so I won't know.

It was the stupid things that annoyed me - sweet wrappers being left in my car after they'd been in it (he drove her to work most mornings which involved a detour for him) even though he knew I didn't eat for most of the day???

I know it's an awful thing to suggest but my first thought when reading the texts between your Dh and the bf trying to get you out of the house so they come around was that there was something sexually inappropriate going on between the three of them. It just all sounds so dysfunctional.

I hope not for your sake but think you should open your eyes to the possibility of a sexual relationship.

Even if it didn't happen he was or is infatuated with her.

He knows it upsets you op, you say he doesn't get it, he does. He just does not care. Making him cut contact with her won't change how he feels about you.

Ohanarama I did do, yes but she has (as all mothers would) stuck up for her daughter. She said horrible things about me to DH too (which DH didn't correct her on) but said she'd always be there for him? I wrote a letter to her explaining how I felt but she just dismissed it. They're being very two faced - saying one thing to me then slagging me off behind my back.

Agree you are not seeing the woods for the trees here. He is/was having an emotional affair. It sounds like he wants to play the good guy meanwhile it is feeding your paranoia and making you look worse than you actually are.
If I was in your position I would ask to move back with mum and dad for a while.career etc can wait, you are so so young and need to concentrate on mending yourself and looking after ds.

You sound lovely btw. I'm sure that your health would improve if you didn't have all this shit to deal with. It's exhausting just reading it. Could you and the baby go and stay with friends or family for a few days? Sometimes that's all it takes to clear your head and start seeing things for what they are

What annoys me most is that he didn't once stick up for me

It should annoy you! There are two persistent themes in your story:

1. Your husband is disloyal. You can't 'make' him loyal by controlling his behaviour. He's not on your side. He is lost to you.

1. You may not quite see this yet, but you're far too desperate to be friends with people - or, more accurately perhaps, not to be disliked. What you've mentioned about your violent past explains this quite well, but still you need to keep a lid on it. When people walk away from you, let them.

I'm so very relieved you've got some meds and are going to see a counsellor. If you kick your husband out, will he go? I think you will be looking at divorce before long, but first you need to make yourself secure and well.

All the best

He has no respect for you. The longer you stay, the more damage will be done to your self-esteem

Please be careful about how much more detail you go into on here. You are a teacher, you have a position of responsibility and you are feeling vulnerable - it would not be a good idea for you to open yourself up to gossip and intrigue within your community.

For what it's worth it sounds like he's got the infatuation with the younger couple. He's latched onto them and almost trying to relive some teen drama with the 2 of them. It's very odd. I reckon the teen couple are laughing at both of you to be honest.

I say that because the girls boyfriend is reacting oddly to this much older man basically drooling over his girlfriend. I'd say they both see him as a soft touch.

I wouldn't be trying to work out anything with him and let him off to relive his angsty teen years. Bloomin manchild.

I did ask him, a couple of times, why she mattered so much and I did tell him that I thought he was infatuated with her. He couldn't answer it apparently.

I have sorted the horses and got my own bank account. Will talk to work about paying my salary into my account rather than joint account :)

Thanks XiCi (not sure on spelling - apologies) I do try to be a really good friend. In all of this the only thing I think I did "wrong" was to send ex-friend 1 text message telling her what I thought. Typical fuc*ing teenager goes all melodramatic and it goes on for months despite several apologies and presents and she still keeps telling my husband to leave me.

We had a party for my DH here at our house and invited all of their family. DH was NC with friend at this point but she sent him 3 messages in 4 days. 1 - I've ordered your birthday present and I've passed my theory test (driving). 2 - your present will be late. She refuses to come to party as I'm there (it's my house???). 3 - did you like your present.

Present went in the bin without it even being opened!!!

Your husband sounds like an utter misery of a man.

I guess my only question is: Why are you putting up with this? You deserve better.

Honestly OP, pack a bag for him and leave it at the front door. When he gets home, tell him he is free to go and continue his 'friendship' with the girl (who sounds like a bit of a brat, tbh) and you no longer want him in the house.

You need to get your depression under control and the only way that is going to happen is by removing yourself from what sounds like a highly toxic environment. You need to focus on your little one and getting yourself back to a healthier head space. That isn't going to happen if nothing changes and you have to be the drive behind that change. It isn't easy, but it is absolutely do-able. Please don't think that just because you have a child with this prize prat of a man you have to stay with him. You don't.

This whole situation sounds completely fucked up. You need to get away from these people. They're no good for you. They sound just awful.

Can you find somebody else to help with the horses? I know a few of my old school friends used to help muck out horses for free in exchange for free riding. It meant they had use of a horse without the financial burden of owning one - they just had to help with feeding and cleaning. If you work in a school, could you perhaps ask around the students to see if there are any takers? My guess is there are bound to be some who would jump at the chance

Ditch this family completely and boot the useless, selfish arse you're married to out.

Just a note - you say you have manic depression, and you've also been prescribed Prozac. Using an antidepressant without a mood stabiliser is likely to worsen bipolar symptoms (usually triggering a manic or mixed episode). Please be careful.

As for the situation you're in, it sounds complicated to say the least! I'm not normally a fan of ultimatums but if that was my DH, I'd be wanting him to choose between me and that toxic family. Especially the teenage girl!