To shut my 12 year old out in the back garden

Lemonypeepee · 2014-08-19T13:47:24+00:00

His child minder during the holidays has had enough and is now leaving. He's having a major tantrum and is 12 and frankly I just don't know what else to do. Please help! I'm a single parent and should be at work. My child has been possessed by the devil.

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 14:49

Anyone? Please?

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HoldenMcGroin · 19/08/2014 14:51

Oh dear

Um how long would you be away from the house for your work shift? To leave him at home I mean (not in the garden!)

Any Mum friends you could beg a favour off?

Why has he gone off on one?

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 14:51

Is he safe? If so, I'd leave him to it.

Longer term, I think it's unusual for a 12 year old to have a tantrum.

Are you ok?

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 14:52

Can you let work know you're running late and doing your best to get there as soon as you can?

BringMeSunshine2014 · 19/08/2014 14:56

Do you mean the childminder is walking out and leaving him now or do you mean she's no longer prepared to have him and if that's the case, when did she tell you?

12 year old left outside - I wouldn't, he could get into all kinds of trouble being left alone when he's in a foul mood.

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 14:57

I'm really concerned about his behaviour. He's safe. I can hear him shouting but can't work out where he is. He pushes people to their limit.

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Vivacia · 19/08/2014 14:59

How much do you need to go to work tonight?

What options do you have for childcare?

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 14:59

He climbed on to the first floor and through the bathroom window. He's swearing at me and hopes I die. I guess I just have to deal with his tantrum.

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Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 15:01

He's f'ing this f'ing that. I can't tell you how much he's trying to push for a reaction. He's now told me he hopes I die in a fire.

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realitygone · 19/08/2014 15:20

I think you need to regain control here.

What has triggered this?

Remove anything that you don't want to be broken, thensit somewhere that you are out of eye sight and let him burn out.

Once he is over the tantrum, which at 12 is a serious concern to me. You need a serious chat and consequences

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 15:31

I don't know what's caused it. His cousin said he pushed her all morning by jumping in her bed and pushing her attention. She's gone now and I'm left without anyone to look after him. I'll have to leave him on his own tomorrow. I don't have enough leave left. I agree tantrums and a 12 year old not good but there's absolutely nothing wrong with him except he's pushing.

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GreenPetal94 · 19/08/2014 15:35

I do send my 11 year old to his room til he calms down from a tantrum, so garden is similar.

But I think 12 is young to leave home all day (even with no tantrums). Can you take carers or special leave from work. Was there a problem with the childminder?

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 15:37

My childminder was my neice and she can't cope with him. Sadly I have no other options.

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lunatuna · 19/08/2014 15:38

My ds goes to a counselkor to help him deal with the anger which leads to tantrums.

What is your punishment for him behaving like tgis? Can you take something away, xbox, tv, phone? It probably won't make the slightest bit of difference to him today, but if you follow through (and make it a meaningful punishment that really gets to him) then he might learn for next time. Seems to be slowly helping my ds.
So sorry you are havibg such a crappy day, it really does make you feel awful. I think at 12 he could be left if you can check in on him at lunchtime, and if you can trust him...

lunatuna · 19/08/2014 15:39

My ds goes to a counsellor to help him deal with the anger which leads to tantrums.

What is your punishment for him behaving like tgis? Can you take something away, xbox, tv, phone? It probably won't make the slightest bit of difference to him today, but if you follow through (and make it a meaningful punishment that really gets to him) then he might learn for next time. Seems to be slowly helping my ds.
So sorry you are havibg such a crappy day, it really does make you feel awful. I think at 12 he could be left if you can check in on him at lunchtime, and if you can trust him...

Prezza14 · 19/08/2014 15:40

You should be able to get time off for dependants until you sort something? Check your contract

Goldmandra · 19/08/2014 15:46

You need to work out what is behind this behaviour. 12YOs don't just tantrum for the hell of it. In fact no child does. There is always a reason.

Does he need firmer clearer boundaries and to earn time doing things he enjoys by behaving more appropriately?

Does he resent being look after by a childminder in the first place?

Is there something causing him stress like the impending return to school or time with a non-resident parent?

Why does he push people to their limit? What does he gain from it? Treats? Attention? Power? Control?

If he is trying to gain control, is that a result of anxiety? This is a very common cause of children being controlling and hard to manage.

You need to work very hard to find out the reasons behind this behaviour before you will be able to work out how to change it.

Cheeky76890 · 19/08/2014 15:52

Why is he so unhappy?

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 15:55

I think it's a combination of things. His father has rejected him and I think he pushes everyone else to reject him. He is anxious a lot of the time. He's had a very relaxed couple of weeks while his cousin has been here. I've let him stay up late.

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lunatuna · 19/08/2014 16:04

If my ds gets overtired he is much more likely to tantrum at the slightest thing. Like me trying to get him to bed on time!
Can you try to access some counselling for him? Use your unexpected afternoon off to get some rwinforcements

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:18

I have no reinforcements sadly. It's just me and him. We've tried counselling but it didn't help. He's not always like this. I think I've been giving him too much freedom recently. Late nights with his cousin, time in the park with his friends. I think I need to reign him back in, put down firm boundaries, earlier bed times and god only knows how I'm going to manage the next few days. I can't take leave. We're already vastly understaffed and I don't have the leave available. I'll figure something out. He's gone to his room now. I had hoped I could count on my neice to help me look after him but another one bites the dust ;(

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SpringBreaker · 19/08/2014 16:23

Why cant you just leave him in bed when you go to work. Hes 12, so should be capable of getting himself up, dressed, fed and going out with his mates in the holidays. He shouldnt need a babysitter. At that age I was babysitting for my parents friends to earn extra pocket money.

lunatuna · 19/08/2014 16:28

Argh. Feel for you. Probably not a possibility, bit can you take him to work? He might hate it so much he will promise to behave at home?!

And by reinforcements I meant a counsellor, but anyone would do... You need all the help you can get when dealjng with a big kid's tantrums. Can you phone the drs and ask for a referral? The last one might not have helped, but you could try again.

Have you asked him what he wants to do while you work?

Original poster

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:29

I can leave him in bed, he sleeps very late and is capable if looking after himself. I'm just worried he's having too much unsupervised time. Kids can get themselves into trouble and he's not instilling much confidence in me at present. He's now very sorry but I'm so worn down by his bullying of me. His swearing when he is having one if his tantrums is unbelievable. I don't swear and he's only 12. I would never have dreamed to swear at an adult when I was that age, or ever actually.

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lunatuna · 19/08/2014 16:32

Ok, now he has calmed down, what is the punishment? You need it as a deterrent for next time