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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To shut my 12 year old out in the back garden

68 replies

Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 14:47

His child minder during the holidays has had enough and is now leaving. He's having a major tantrum and is 12 and frankly I just don't know what else to do. Please help! I'm a single parent and should be at work. My child has been possessed by the devil.

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Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:32

I work in mental health Luna so taking him to work not an option. I don't think counselling will help. I do wish I had a bit of breathing space and I do wish his father wasn't such a waste of space. We can all wish! I've removed all his tech, he's grounded but he's also at home so what on earth will he do with himself if he's no tech and can't go out. Aaaarghhgg. I could bloody cry.

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SpringBreaker · 19/08/2014 16:32

There you go then, leave him and let him sleep. His behaviour is a complete lack of respect for you, but may be a way of him feeling that he is being treated like a much younger child would be and he is trying to prove he is more grown up than that. He is getting it wrong, and should not be allowed to speak to you in that way but its possible he has seen some of his mates getting away with that sort of language to their parents and is just pushing boundaries. Personally if I had spoken to my mother like that when I was 12, I would have got a well deserved good hiding, but I know that doesnt go down well as a solution on here!

queenofthemountain · 19/08/2014 16:34

'You need to work out what is behind this behaviour. 12YOs don't just tantrum for the hell of it. In fact no child does. There is always a reason'

He is telling you something.You need to listen before he ramps it up to crime or self harm.

springBreaker your parents friends sound very irresponsible to hire a 12 yo babysitter.

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:38

I know what he's doing. He's pushing people to reject him. I think it's all because his father has rejected him and his self esteem is damaged considerably. I keep very calm with him and he always breaks down and cries, he them always wants me to cuddle him which of course I do because I love him. He tells me he just wants to see his dad more.

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Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:40

I think it was too much to ask my 16 year old neice to look after him. She's too young really to deal with his behaviour. He's also going through puberty which of course doesn't help either.

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AgathaF · 19/08/2014 16:40

Has he always exhibited these sort of behavioural traits - pushing for attention, tantrums etc, or has it just started recently. You said about his father, but was his behaviour challenging before then? Does he get on with kids at school, have a circle of friends? What do his teachers say about him?

LuluJakey1 · 19/08/2014 16:41

Could he go to a summer club or a spots activity day? Round here there are activity days - they cost but I don't think they are extortionate and they are fully supervised. Is it worth looking on some council, school and sport venue websites?

lunatuna · 19/08/2014 16:43

You work in mh, you must know the anger has to go somewhere... There are no easy answers, but I don't see why you are not prepared to give counselling another shot?
It must be awful for him, it is for my ds. And so hard to help them.

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:46

Yes Lulu, there is a club I could take him to and I think I might. Agatha, yes, always been like this. School ok, friendships ok. These tantrums seemed to go away for a good while and they are few and far between these days. School was a nightmare but since secondary we've seen some improvements and life is smoother. His father is a head f**. He tells him how special he is, how much he loves him them doesn't want to spend time with him. Ds no longer seems to want to go to his house. I suspect his dad's wife doesn't like ds but I don't blame her. I blame him.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/08/2014 16:47

Poor kid (and poor you). I'm a bit worried that if he has no "tech" and can't go out, that you say he has nothing to do. What about drawing/writing/baking/making stuff/staring out of the window/reading? He sounds like a kid who could benefit from something more structured that would involve him to throw himself around a bit. Drama club? Acrobatics? Climbing? He's clearly quite physically confident if he's breaking in through the window!

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/08/2014 16:49

Take the essential TV cable with you too when you leave for work...

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:49

Luna, I agree but I just don't think it's the most helpful route for him. I took him before so I am an advocate of talking therapies. I'll see how it goes, if it continues I'll go back to them. He's really anxious at night on his own too and comes into my complaining if nightmares. He's a very anxious little boy a lot if the time.

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Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 16:51

Elephants, yes, he's incredibly capable and plays team sports and actually does acrobatics weekly :) he likes to read and loves a trip to the book shop.

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MexicanSpringtime · 19/08/2014 16:56

I think he pushes everyone else to reject him

My nephew was like this and until he was ten he was hell on earth. Fortunately my sister and he took family therapy and the transformation was amazing.

I think, in retrospect, he assumed that everyone hated him and that if someone approached him in a friendly way they were just being hypocrites and he would unveal their hypocrisy.

The therapy changed him over to seeing that people could like him and made all the difference.

I know you have seen a counsellor, but there are some really bad ones out there and maybe family therapy would be more suitable.

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 17:00

Thanks Mexican, unfortunately getting family therapy is unlikely. I did however get him seen by a child therapist at relate. I agree some are just not very good (I work with a few). I could try him with a different therapist. The waiting time for relate can be months. I can contact someone I know who is a family therapist to see if they can recommend someone privately.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 19/08/2014 17:13

Ahh, glad he's putting his terrifyingly good balancing skills to good use :) An 11 year old I know does modern street dance type classes and he absolutely loves it, and I'm sure it makes him a calmer kid at home.

If he likes reading, how about writing? Or what about getting him into guitar or something? It sounds like he needs a way to soothe/amuse himself when he's feeling a bit overwhelmed.

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 17:15

Thanks elephants, street dance is actually part if his class :) to date he has an acoustic and electric guitar, violin. Saxophone, drums and tap dancing lessons! We're going through some serious experimenting with the arts :)

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Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 17:16

He hates writing which is a shame because he has a very vivid imagination. I'm just text a friend who might know of a private family therapist.

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lunatuna · 19/08/2014 17:27

Your ds sounds lovely, mine is too apart from the crazy tantrums, and is into a lot of alternative hobbies as well!
His counsellor does art therapy which ds loves. Tried a different counsellor but he hated her.

Owllady · 19/08/2014 17:32

My 12 year old is a right pita atm (hes a few weeks off 13)
He plays out all day if I let him, as do most of his friends
I'm also rubbish and he hates me

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 17:37

Owllady, I'm sure you know he doesn't hate you and you're truly wonderful :) I do adore my son but he too is a pita! He's just came downstairs to show me his wolverine hands he made. They're pretty impressive. This is the saddest part for me. I know he feels really bad for his behaviour which is compounded by his cousin leaving. I don't like to think of him feeling so bad. He very rarely takes things to these extremes.

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catsrus · 19/08/2014 17:59

Do you have any much older friends or relatives that he might go stay with? people who have "been there done that, got the T shirt" where kids are concerned but who might be willing to go off to galleries and museums and do arty things with him. If they have much older, sensible, kids it also helps. You might have to pull in some favours - Either that or an activity holiday of some sort?

My guess is that he behaves differently outside the home environment? You do need someone older than 16 with him at this point I think - Is there a mentoring programme near you? I know there is one in London for black boys 10 -16 (www.london.gov.uk/priorities/young-people/mentoring) obviously I don't know whether your son fits that profile :-) and I understand that there are various programmes in scotland, Kids company are in London and Bristol only - but might be able to suggest something if you are not near either of those places www.kidsco.org.uk/our-work They do work in anger management which it sounds like he needs. good luck.

Dontgotosleep · 19/08/2014 18:31

Aww. O.P. Are you okay. Is your little boy okay. Can you see him. If you csn see he's safe you're probably best off a part for a while.
I've read your post about having no leave available. Can you not call work and say you're ill after all they're never going to know are they. How ever what do you do every other day and then it's money isn't it.
May I ask how long you've been working. Have you always been a W.S.P. working single parent or were you made to go when the govenment changed the rules because if it's the latter this is why I disagree with the government forcing Lone parents out to work as everyone has different situations don't they.
I'm really interested in government policies and read somewhere although how true it is I don't know that you can go back (apologies if you've never been to the job centre or if I sound patronising) and tell them that you do not have the childcare and whether the rules have changed or not you should not be obligated to work nights as a lone parent and you can limit your hours to his school hours till he he's 13. Again apologies if all that doesn't apply.

Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 18:34

Catsrus, thanks for that great post. Sadly I don't have any family. My sister works full time and is a great help if I need her but she's not a lone parent the same as me. My friend has already came back to me and says he will find me a good family therapist. Maybe we need something we can do together. I might give joint therapy a go. He's not violent just uses expletives to get a rise out of me and shock. He knows I hate swearing. God knows how I maintain calm but he's back to normal now and doing some crafty stuff. We will have a chat in a bit and see if we can make some sense of what went on.

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Original poster
Lemonypeepee · 19/08/2014 18:35

She is a lone parent (my sister). Sorry must have autocorrected.

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