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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not believe you would end a relationship for such ridiculous reasons?

40 replies

JaponicaTroggs · 19/08/2014 11:32

I've noticed a lot of posters stating lately that they couldn't date/be married to/would end a relationship with someone for what I would consider incredibly petty reasons. Not being able to cook/swim/drive or because they don't share your taste in music.

I find it hard to believe irl you could meet a lovely, funny, kind person who could be someone "special" and three months in dump them because, shock horror, they announce they can't make a spag Bol or move through water!

Do people really make life decisions based on such trivial reasons?

OP posts:

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2014 11:35

Yes, people do.

No-one has to satisfy your strigent criteria for staying in a relationship.

To be honest, after all of three months, I think you don't need to articulate any reason at all to end the 'relationship.

It's a very peculiar perspective, as if there's something somehow wrong with wanting to be happy and/or single.

redexpat · 19/08/2014 11:35

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/a2091715-to-ask-what-is-the-most-trivial-reason-you-have-ended-a-relationship

Believe it!

Oh and the thread about the different tastes in music is more about red flags of the man saying that his way is right and her way is wrong or inferior.

Ev1lEdna · 19/08/2014 11:36

No they probably don't, those petty reasons are more likely one of many accumulated reasons. Do YOU really think they leave a relationship for one petty reason? Internet forum posts are a mastery of the sound bite approach to life. If we were to go into everything else most posts would approach autobiography.

Vitalstatistix · 19/08/2014 11:40

well, in the case of the music one, it was not about music, was it? It was about someone screaming and yelling because she dared to have different taste in music.

That's not trivial and if she chose to end a relationship it would not be because they didn't like the same music, it would be because he demanded she play only music HE liked in HER flat, and he sneered at her and put her down and said horrible things about how stupid she was for liking music he didn't like.

I happen to think that's rather a good reason for ending a relationship.

Normally, if you look at 'trivial' reasons - you'll find there's actually a bloody serious reason there.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2014 11:41

Yep, I did. Not alone, either. Didn't see it as petty, either.

Leviticus · 19/08/2014 11:43

The real reason is 'I don't like you' bit we come up with a reason and they're often trivial.

Cardriver · 19/08/2014 11:44

Sometimes I've ended relationships for no reason

JennyOnTheBlocks · 19/08/2014 11:45

If there's something that seems so trivial yet upsets you so much I'd say that was exactly why you should end a relationship. If leaving the cap off milk or not closing the curtains properly gives you reason to seriously question your choice of partner, then it's time to call it a day.

it's the things we can accept with kindness, that make a relationship special

AnnieLobeseder · 19/08/2014 11:46

But why stay in a relationship that you don't want to stay in, no matter what the reason might be? Any person can end a relationship at any time for any reason. Being in a relationship isn't necessary or, in many cases, beneficial to having a happy and fulfilling life.

I personally think that a question more worthy of examination is why so many people stay in relationships where there are myriad very serious reasons as to why they should leave. The most commonly quotes is being "scared of being alone". It's very sad that so many people (especially women) see being miserable in a relationship a better prospect that the potential to be happy and fulfilled alone.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2014 11:46

Thinking about it, three months for busy people might be fewer than twelve dates ... honestly, really don't get the fuss.

It's not as if you're talking about a 35 year marriage and rosy-cheeked grandchildren.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2014 11:47

Well said, annie.

Preciousbane · 19/08/2014 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

JaponicaTroggs · 19/08/2014 11:50

Vitalstatistix I wasn't referring to the OP on that thread, the guy was obviously an arse. More the other posts saying they would dump someone who liked a particular song/type of music. I think if you would end another wise great relationship for something like that it says more about you than them.
Nothing wrong with being single but I couldn't personally have such a strict, judgemental criteria when it comes to relationships. I think there are much more important things to consider in a person than those I mentioned.

OP posts:

AnnieLobeseder · 19/08/2014 11:50

it's the things we can accept with kindness, that make a relationship special

I agree with this. If trivial things about someone annoy you, that is just a symptom of the larger problem that you just aren't into that person.

If, however, you are more than happy to overlook and accept their giant personality flaws with love and amusement, then they are obviously bringing something huge and worthwhile into your life overall.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 19/08/2014 11:52

I couldn't personally have such a strict, judgemental criteria when it comes to relationships.

How are your criteria not strict and judgmental?

What's more judgmental - labelling things 'ridiculous' and 'petty', or being a bit more relaxed about whether or not people happen to like each other after a short period of time?

Castlemilk · 19/08/2014 11:56

If trivial things about someone annoy you, that is just a symptom of the larger problem that you just aren't into that person.

and that is the answer, really, to the question asked on this thread.

7Days · 19/08/2014 12:00

If something about someone sets your teeth on edge only a couple of months in, it's not going to be much better (say) ten years, a bereavement and two kids in, is it?

You don't really owe someone after a few dates

expatinscotland · 19/08/2014 12:01

What's it to you? What seems petty to you isn't to others, and it's it your life. Type of music? I detest hip hop or any music with violent or misogynist lyrics. Dumpity dump I would. I have been dumped, too, for a myriad of reasons that might be considered trivial. Meh. I didn't take it personally. Move on. Find someone you are compatible with.

Topaz25 · 19/08/2014 12:08

If a couple aren't happy together they should break up. Why do you care about the reasons? It's not your relationship. Of course if it's a long term relationship with a house, children etc together they should carefully consider the implications and try to make it work but if it's only been 3 months and it's already not working, why drag it out waiting for a 'good' reason to break up? If they're not compatible, that's enough.

cailindana · 19/08/2014 12:10

If you want to stay in a relationship, you stay. If you don't, you don't. What reason you give is irrelevant really. If a relationship is "otherwise great," but one particular thing makes you want to leave, then really the relationship isn't that great, is it, because you don't want to stay. As soon as you don't want to stay in relationship then the relationship isn't great, it's rubbish.

Rather than wondering about why people end relationships, I always wonder about why people stay when they're not happy.

googoodolly · 19/08/2014 12:14

You don't need a reason to end a relationship other than "I want to.".

SaucyJack · 19/08/2014 12:21

If you've got to the point of wanting to stab someone (or never liked them in the first place) over the way they drink coffee or their taste in music, then breaking up is about the most decent thing to do IMO.

People are irritating enough to live with 24/7/52/365 when you actually like them. Why put yourself through misery?

Droflove · 19/08/2014 12:29

Im not picky about men I don't think but there are some things that just by the nature of them, would indicate the person is incompatible with me. They might seem small on their own but at the same time say something very clear about the persons character. Such as picky eating. I simply can't respect very picky eaters and it indicates to me childishness and self indulgence that us totally unattractive. Having said that, if a man was a picky eater and managed not to have a negative and embarrassing impact by the way he handled it I could possibly ignore it. But really, it's not my kind of person and I couldn't bear having to tailor our experiences due to his inability to enjoy all the food the world offers.

firesidechat · 19/08/2014 12:30

I sometimes assume that posters say this sort of thing for effect. They wouldn't actually leave for that reason and if they would, then there may be other more important reasons to end it. Or it's a symptom.

FreudiansSlipper · 19/08/2014 12:58

if I felt the relationship was that special I would overlook things like a difference in taste of music, films and so on

Why should I have to feel so grateful a man is interested in having a relationship with me I should overlook my feelings of certain aspects are annoying/I dislike

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