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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect grandparents wanting to holiday with their grandchildren to do some childcare?

132 replies

Wellington3 · 18/08/2014 22:25

Am probably being unreasonable as feeling fraught after a family holiday with the in- laws. In-laws (grandparents to my dc) were very keen to spend time with the dc so we rented a cottage together. Their spending time with DC (aged 4 & 5) involved them looking at the children and doing nothing to help entertain them. DCs requests for a drink or the loo went "unheard" until either DH or I were back in the vicinity.

Obviously they're not their DCs and the responsibility for them is mine and DHs but isn't part of spending time with the children dealing with the boring stuff too? Everyone is fit & in good health. Perhaps cherry- picking the good bits is a grand-parents ' prerogative. Keen to hear of your experiences.

OP posts:
TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 19/08/2014 12:28

YANBU. I'd have settled for helping with the odd meal, making the odd cup of tea or actually engaging with the grandchildren that they had come to visit.

They were quite happy to babysit at night while they watched monopolised the only tv but couldn't understand why we were too shattered to go anywhere by 10pm [leaving aside UK licensing laws] and certainly weren't volunteering to get up with the kids at any point

Never again.

MomOfTwoGirls2 · 19/08/2014 12:37

My MIL is lovely, but provided no help when we went on holiday, along with my SIL.

She was up early for breakfast and spent from 10-6:30 on a sun lounger at the beach. Meanwhile I struggled with a 2 yo and a very stubborn 4 yo. It was difficult to get my DDs ready, and they only wanted 30 mins in pool at a time. So spent lots of time in the apartment. Major hassle getting 4 yo to take a shower after swimming too. I was so stressed, and could really have done with a few hours break even just once during the holiday.
And MIL is normally great with the GC. My stubborn 4 yo would have been as good as gold for nanny.

My SIL had 2 yo and 9 yo. They just did what they were told. They also spent the day at the beach.
And to top it off, the two 2 yo hated each other! (A few years later and they are favourite cousins now).

Since then, I do sun holidays with just my DDs and myself. DH doesn't like the sun.. It is much more relaxing, we do everything at our own pace.

Trickydecision · 19/08/2014 12:44

It is 7 am in Mexico at the moment, grandkids (9 and 10) are playing with us in our room while their dad goes to the Gym. Of course we expect to help look after them.

We take them away each year. It gives the kids a chance to spend two weeks with their dad; we love the company of all three of them, but we like to give DS a break to go diving or have a late drink while we mind the kids.

What would be the point of holidaying with them if we did not share?

Original poster
Wellington3 · 19/08/2014 20:51

Exhausting stuff! Glad my frustrations aren't unique. Now spending time with my family. Just found out my Dad has booked us a circus show at 8:30pm tomorrow night. Isn't that really late for 5/6 yr olds?! Give me strength! Again, I should obviously be v grateful, although am now in France and am imagining mine artistes etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellington3 · 19/08/2014 20:58

Sorry, meant to say mime artistes. Also note that French circuses seem to include animals which I don't think I'm keen on. Am really very wishy-washy. Would deeply love hours on my own to read new Kite Runner book.

OP posts:
MrsRambo · 19/08/2014 21:53

YANBU - in my experience they just up the dependants count.

During our last, and final, self catering 'holiday' that will be taking place with the grandparents there was one evening where I was dealing with a screaming over tired banshee of a toddler in the bath, DP was dealing with his over tired and emotional mother blubbing about how she has no purpose in life now that she has hit 70 and Gramps was 'helping' in the kitchen by accidentally breaking any porcelain or glass he happened to come into contact with because he had lost his glasses.

I just don't have the constitution for it...

queenofthemountain · 19/08/2014 22:13

surely 4 and 5 yr old can take themselves to the toilet?

maddening · 19/08/2014 22:17

We went on a big family holiday and had dbro and his do there who do not have dc and our parents as well as me,dfiance and ds and dsis and her Dh and dc - we all mucked in and had bits of help but the parents of respective dc did the bulk with their own dc but the extra help was lovely as was the place we were holidaying at and the company in the evenings while the dc slept - you can't go out but you don't need to when you can BBQ outside and have pleasant evening chatting with people you love.

Lemons1571 · 19/08/2014 22:21

I am no longer grateful for help that isn't helpful. I have phased these holidays out, the resentment that was building inside me would have been disastrous for family relations if it had exploded. All that facilitating and letting the gps have all the good easy bits "to bond with their grandchildren", while I grafted in the background and counted the days until it was time to go back home/to work. It was all wrong and made me so unhappy.

This year we had our own holiday, with shock horror kids clubs. It was the best time we've had in many years. Am v happy for the gps to have time at ours, time at theirs, a weekend away if they suggest it they won't but our main holiday will be ours alone.

sweetnessandlite · 19/08/2014 22:23

Why do so many people want to go on holiday with their parents?
DH and myself love our parents dearly, but the thought of spending 1 or 2 weeks all cramped together is our idea of hell.

the odd holiday with parents now and again is ok, but to go with them all the time is a sign of never having flown the nest and living in eachothers pockets.

wingcommandergallic · 19/08/2014 22:25

My in-laws are like this. Seem to cope fine when I'm not there but selective hearing when I am.

They recently stayed to provide childcare while our childminder was on holiday. I'm very grateful but the care didn't start until after 9am when I deliberately sent DD in to wake up grandma. Wouldn't mind so much but grandpa was skulking downstairs from before 8.

Trickydecision · 19/08/2014 22:35

MrsRambo, what a ridiculous attitude of your DM to think she has no purpose in life now she us 70. I was 70 in June and my purpose in life is a) to stay alive, b) watch my grandchildren grow up, c) have as much fun as possible for as long as possible.

MrsRambo · 19/08/2014 22:43

Tricky I know it's crazy. Can you have words? I like your attitude Smile

MrsWicket · 19/08/2014 22:51

Yanbu. Five weeks into the school holidays and my PIL have seen the DDs for one afternoon. They of course seen DN countless times and even been on holiday with them. They live less than 5 mins away... Hmm oh but they dont have favourites...

wiltingfast · 19/08/2014 22:52

Hmm, interesting.

Both sets of gps fairly hands on here and generally helpful, will babysit a night etc.

That said did the holiday thing with my own parents last year in a cottage and actually found it quite stressful and not that hugely enjoyable. Kids were that bit smaller I guess and harder to entertain. I went from worrying they were encroaching too much and taking up too much attention to trying to make sure we were accomodating of what other people wanted to do which meant we didn't do what we wanted to do! Add in feeling I should be enjoying myself more and grateful and you got a not vg holiday.

So this year we went camping by ourselves in france and it was miles better. Lots for the kids to do, loads of friends for them (they are only 3y and 5y btw), we felt we just actually had much more time to ourselves as a family. No worrying about other people or trying to accomodate them. Just us. Cool :)

Highly recommend it op!

Oh and I wouldn't worry about late nights, it's a holiday, our 2 had loads of late nights, part of the fun and meant we got out a bit in the evenings!

Greyhound · 19/08/2014 23:16

My parents adore my ds but have never offered to look after him when we've holidayed with them.

Even when it was our wedding anniversary and dh and I nipped to the pub for one hour, they were v unwilling to provide childcare.

It irks me, but I have learned to accept it. They live in another country, so I only see them once a year or so.

Trickydecision · 20/08/2014 03:48

MrsRambo, when we get back from the family holiday we are currently all loving (crossed fingers) I will be happy to have firm words with your DM.

Roonerspism · 20/08/2014 04:27

My in-laws are generally helpful. If they are around,they muck in and I'm very grateful for this (although don't get me wrong, they have their issues)

My own lovely DM is utterly useless with young kids and has watched me struggle countless times breastfeeding whilst trying to entertain a toddler. She just doesn't "think" that way...

Are your in laws just a bit thoughtless?

Anyway YANBU and I would not holiday with them again either!

foxinthebox · 20/08/2014 05:31

J7st had a holiday with my mum and step dad. They are a little engaged with the children but there is no way ever, ever, that they would baby sit. Or take them out for an ice cream.

However, they do tidy up. A lot. Which ll helps me do I don't worry about it

insanityscratching · 20/08/2014 08:11

We used to invite my Dad and his wife to spend a couple of days with us whilst we were away, they always followed the same sort of routine really. Costs would be split evenly(ish) so Df would pay for a meal out and we would pay entrance fees. Df wouldn't do any of the care side but he was always great at entertaining them and so on the beach I'd get to relax whilst he took them them paddling, rockpooling and digging and on one of the nights they would babysit or rather they would take out dc for food and entertainment so that dh and I could go out.
Df wasn't a hands on grandparent as he lived a couple of hours away so I didn't really expect him to help feed, dress or bathe them tbh.
I would probably have asked if they would have the GC one evening directly tbh as to me that doesn't seem much to ask.

WhatTheFork · 20/08/2014 08:11

My late DFIL used to come on hols with us. He made our holiday. He'd be splashing about with the kids in the pool all day, then insist we had at least one night out just the two of us. He was also a good laugh and easily pleased as far as what we did day to day. He also came to stay during school hols to look after the children so I could work. The kids adored him. We were very lucky, it seems.

My own dad has young family and doesn't come on hols with us. We are speaking about all going together at some point though. There will be 4 adults and 4 kids. He's fantastic with the children too. Usually he just takes them away for the weekend though rather than us all being together. He's having them this weekend for a trip away , last time was a month ago.

Babiecakes11 · 20/08/2014 09:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jellyandbeans · 20/08/2014 09:55

My parents and inlaws were very much of the opinion , you have kids, you take care of them' they looked after them once or twice but made us feel guilty and went on and on about putting the kids first! A different generation. Dh and I had to go it alone...

cheminotte · 20/08/2014 10:23

Yanbu. Getting kids a drink or helping them go to the toilet isn't childcare, its just manners.

But have never had than a few days at a time with either gps . They will normally offer to babysit so we can go out though.

jopickles · 20/08/2014 10:41

I have been on holiday with my parents since my daughter was born and they are amazing, my dad will play in the pool with her for hours I normally have to drag him away for a rest but he loves chatting to other kids parents and is more than happy to let them soak him/throw the ball at him etc and my mum loves taking her up to the room at bedtime to read her a story and tuck her in if I want to stay and chat to my dad and have a drink etc which doesn't happen often but its nice to have the option. I am a single mum though so we all appreciate that its the only holiday we all get so we take it in turns and I always make sure my mum and dad get meals paid for and have some time by themselves.

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