To expect grandparents wanting to holiday with their grandchildren to do some childcare?

[Wellington3]

Am probably being unreasonable as feeling fraught after a family holiday with the in- laws. In-laws (grandparents to my dc) were very keen to spend time with the dc so we rented a cottage together. Their spending time with DC (aged 4 & 5) involved them looking at the children and doing nothing to help entertain them. DCs requests for a drink or the loo went "unheard" until either DH or I were back in the vicinity.

Obviously they're not their DCs and the responsibility for them is mine and DHs but isn't part of spending time with the children dealing with the boring stuff too? Everyone is fit & in good health. Perhaps cherry- picking the good bits is a grand-parents ' prerogative. Keen to hear of your experiences.

I think whatever some ILs, especially MIL do will not meet with approval. In on breath a PP said her MIL was either reading or over-parenting the DC, (not exact wording), so the woman was never going to get it right.
I look forward to being a GP, but I hope my DIL will not have unrealistic expectations.
As for kids clubs, fine if you want to use them but I think they can be miserable places, and I am amazed at the poster who thinks they are fine for under 5s!
I never felt the need for a 'break' from my children on holiday; holidays were for doing things together, or for relaxing on the beach or in the pool while DH had charge. They had plenty of certificate-earning at school and made friends easily with other children on the beach.

We've done 2 holidays like this - never again! One time I drove us all for 8 hours in France then mil expected me to get dd to bed and cook for everyone (she thinks it's outrageous dh makes sandwiches at lunch as he's a man and I should serve him - luckily dh does not think that!) Generally they sit and watch dh and I play with dc then scowl if dh takes dc so I get a rest - dh works so misses the dc and likes spending time with them plus I was 37weeks pg with twins so I thought a rest would be acceptable.... Apparently not. Dh and I just laugh at it. Lots of other issues but they do love the dc in their funny way.

How well do the in laws know the DC, and how old are the DC? Are they perhaps worried about getting things wrong with them, so prefer to hang back rather than cock up?

For instance, getting drinks for other people's kids sounds simple enough but I always find it fraught with peril. If you ask them what they want and they say juice or squash, is that OK or will the parents be annoyed if you didn't realise DC are trying it on and are really only allowed milk or water? Is an occasional glass of Coke ok, as a holiday treat? If juice is ok, what kind (DS loves pineapple juice but we have to limit it because of the acidity)? Do you water it down? How much, just a simple 50/50 or (as we do) as weak as you can possibly get away with without the child moaning too much? What if they drink "tea" like my nieces - which is actually mostly cold milk, some hot water and the smallest possible amount of tea out of the nearest grown up's cup?

What kind of cup? Lidded cup, open cup? DS always asks for the open cup so as to be a Big Boy, which is fine but only at the kitchen table as otherwise there's too much risk I'll be mopping it off the sofa/TV in due course.

WHAT IF THEY INSIST THEY ARE ALLOWED A FRUIT SHOOT?!

I have no idea if any of this is relevant to the OP's situation, and many of you will probably, rightly accuse me of vastly overthinking a really fairly simple childcare scenario, but it's another possible, more innocent explanation for the IL's reticence to be hands-on with the grandchildren. If you don't know the children well enough to know this kind of stuff (and to be fully up to date with it - eg X was using a sippy cup when we came on holiday with you last year, but he's now on to an open cup) it can be a daunting prospect.

When on holiday, granddad read stories, looked after LO while he played of we were doing chores / coming etc and babysat a couple of evenings so we could go for a walk. Didn't ask for any more than that and he didn't offer but it was enough. He wouldn't have ignored a cry for help / assistance though.

Yanbu. I take my dc away with my mum, step dad and my grandad. It is fab, my dc get so much more attention from the people that love them and I get breaks from the monotony of making breakfast, lunch, tea, bathtime etc.

My 80year old grandad chases them around the garden, tells them stories and has more energy than I do!
My dm just steps in as a second mother and will do sun cream, picnic packing, bed time, getting up early with them so I can sleep in.

And before I get shouted down for taking advantage of my family, these holidays are always my dms idea and she chooses and books where we are going because she wants to spend time with her grandchildren and my grandfather comes because he loves it, would soon say if he didn't!

I have only gone away with my mum once and it was lovely, she was hands-on and just a normal person, taking part in the holiday.

It's not just about being a grandparent, I went to visit a friend of mine when she'd got a 1 year old and I loved helping out, taking him for a short time, getting drinks when required, generally being an extra pair of hands, so that his mum could get ready or put a wash on. Surely that's what most people do when they are around children?

But then I get drinks for my children's friends too!

I feel sad reading these threads, my MIL is a bit the same, just sits there waiting to be served, never played with the children when they were little, they do have an ok relationship now but it's not close and not anything like the relationship they have with my mum who shows them very tangibly that she adores them (do you like people who are disinterested in you?)

Same situation for us this year. Usually my parents come & help & muck in but this year they didn't at all..
Even when we went to a kids country park thing my mum sloped off & read her book.
It was just all a bit odd

If adults go away on holiday it's just good manners to help each other out.

Took two years of going on holiday before ours offered to babysit for DH and I. Actually it was a pleasant surprise when they did.

What was odder was their constant - why don't you put the DC in the childcare we could of paid extra for during the day time in a resort set up for DC when we'd said the point of going was to spend time with the DC - who were being well behavioured and fun to be with.

The coming along was their idea - and they aren't usually the sit back and watch types either.

They did carry stuff and having extra hands and extra purses was a help. However it was/is only bearable/enjoyable - as we haven't always got on - as they are in separate accommodation and have their meals as part of their package - so I'm not cooking and cleaning round them as well as us.

I have to say though that on many occasions they don't seem to hear the DC when they state their needs - ie loo, drinks that means we have to insist them being taken care so stop/adapt our plans or the DC get to point where they refuse to do anything their needs are met - a point that we never get to as they are very vocal before this. This is an issue outside of holiday as well.

I do hate they fact it seems to be expected I make the plans - so everyone gets to see what they want and do the activities at certain times - and we have everything we need. All the thinking work.

I also have to be careful that I don't just end up facilitating everyone else having fun with the DC - ending up planning and often paying for activities then getting pushed to the side - though this is an issue outside of holiday as well.

yanbu - either don't do it again or lower expectations.

Still we manage to enjoy the holidays with the GP - do wish that at least once we could have a holiday with just DH, me and DC - as we do pay for ourselves and DC.

I think YABU to expect GPs to provide childcare on holiday. Yep nice if they offer, but to expect it doesn't sit right with me. They were completely out of order though not getting drinks or helping to the toilet - as someone said upthread they are basic needs.

We've holidayed with my GPs, my parents, PILs and while they've chipped in to an extent (eg we don't eat meat at home although the kids are welcome to choose it at a restuarant etc, but my mum would have my kids in her caravan every morning cooking them a bacon butty, or my MIL would hold our youngest's hand while we took the eldest on fairground ride), I wouldn't expect them to take them for a full day or night.

That said, we've gradually put a stop to holidaying with other family members. As other posters have said, it ends up being hard work, particularly if you're the one who is having to accomodate everyone. We're always the ones who are ready first so spend ages waiting round for everyone else because "oh it'll be nice if we all go for a swim together" WELL GET A BLINKING MOVE ON THEN HALF THE DAY HAS GONE!!! Also, my children are not night owls and even on holiday they find it hard to stay up past 10.00pm - cue loads of "you can't go back to the room now, you're on holidaaaaaaaaay" conversations.

In summary I'd say, if you're going on holiday with other people, assume you won't get any help but if you do leap on it! And if like me you find it's more trouble than it's worth bin it all together - nothing worse than feeling resentful on holiday.

Oh and just one last thing - our kids loved the kids' club this year - we had no intention of putting htem in it, but every time they saw an activity start up they ran over and joined in. Which was actually quite a nice change . Hadn't really considered a kids' club to be a factor when booking but will certainly consider it next year.

See I'd consider a kids club if DC were interested - but the childcare at our place was a just a place they could be left for few hours with toys and the DC didn't look excited when we went past.

I can understand my single parent relative using it for a bit - but it was a lot extra when we had four adults - two of us who had aim of spending time with our DC.

It was like the GP invited themselves along on a family holiday then decide they they didn't want the DC there but did want DH and I to sit and listen to their stories we'd all heard before and were miffed they weren't getting that.

I don't like the assumption that kids clubs are just a dumping ground for parents who want a break. I've always held the view that I want us to spend time together on holiday and not do separate things, but we have been on cruises this year and last, with kids clubs that were brilliant. Part of me was hoping the DCs wouldn't want to use them, but they did, and loved it (and at 8 and 10 they are certainly old enough to know their own minds on this). There was a daily programme of activities, sports, crafts, drama, music, all sorts, it was very inclusive (my DS has special needs and they went out of their way to help him). It was all round a great experience for them. They also spent a lot of time off the ship sightseeing with us. I have now accepted that as they get older they need to spread their wings and be able to do things independently of us and that includes when on holiday.

God, my DD used to love kids clubs. She'd still come back after a couple of hours of games and stuff and look at us and say 'so what are we doing?'

We don't holiday with relatives anymore. As others have said, it's too much bloody work trying to cater to what every other adult wants to do, and I end up feeling like I need another holiday to recover from my actual holiday. Plus, when you go as a big group it's usually self catering and it's against my religion to cook and clean on holiday!

This is not an anti PIL position, incidentally. I am lucky enough to have pretty lovely PIL. But we don't holiday well together. We don't holiday well with my own DM either, so we have a blanket ban.

YANBU.

Don't bother to go away with them again. Sounds like they like the 'glory' of being a GP without actually spending quality time with them, which includes stuff like feeding them and taking them to the toilet!

I know there are places with fantastic kids clubs and obviously if we go to one of those and DC were interested we'd use them.

Where we were the childcare available wasn't like that - it was a building with TV, few swings and out door toys. We could see that as we past the place.

I can see why my Single parent relative who went to same resort used it so she got a few hours to herself - that what why she said she did and the DC was completely fine.

I'm not assuming kids clubs are dumping grounds.

I'm saying with my DH working away a lot family time with us all together is with us highly valued at minute and that was whole point of our holidays - why were chose/chose a resort filled with stuff to do with them. When our circumstance change we'll choice different.

GP knew this all this when they started tagging along.

It was also different as relative did stuff for her so she enjoyed her holiday - but GP were wanting us to pay for childcare then do stuff for them.

Therefore I found very annoying being pestered to pay for and use childcare instead of doing what I wanted spend time with my DC - so I could sit and do stuff I found a chore - listen to them.

LemonSquares, good point. And that sounds very stressful, to be nagged into paying for a kids club that's substandard, when your kids don't want to go and you and your DH don't want to send them, all because the GPs would rather pretend they're on a child free holiday. My sympathies.

It ok now Chiana - they don't do it now .

I snapped one time they brought it up . I got a bit nasty as we were in my compromise location nearby pub with massive garden full of play stuff that the DC could play for hours in and did and where we could watch and DH and I could listen to them go on and on about stuff 20 years ago with a drink. All the gentle no's and reasons why not didn't work but that did.

It was just so odd - they could have had time just them - they could have had just them and one of us and any activities I was setting up with DC I was being elbowed out the way so they could do with them. I didn't get the fixation.

Apparently, going to Florida with his grand children was my PIL's 'dream'.

So we asked them to come with us and paid for them.

Now I absolutely did not expect any help with childcare (I knew it would be a non-starter) but I didn't expect them to make things harder... but that is exactly what happened!

justrelaxMax: puts it well:

"Being with grandchildren sounds lovely (esp to tell her friends about it) but at no point was she ever really 'with' them. "

My MIL is like this. She honestly JUST wants photos of the kids (with HER at centre stage, of course) to show her friends, not actual time with kids at all. She has never spent so much as a solitary 10 mins with them.

If it is so bad your MIL wont even take them to the loo or get them a cup of water then that is shocking.
Even a kindly stranger would do that for a small child, in a heartbeat.

Getting a young child a drink or helping assist them to the loo (even if only getting them there on the seat, pants down, and then called the parents into action) is just a decent person thing to do. That does not come down to "childcare" imo any more than me making my mum a cup of tea classes as "adult care". I do think whilst on holiday children are still the responsibility of their parents regardless of which other family members are there, but helping meet the basic needs whilst parents aren't around to do it themselves should come naturally. I'd be quite upset if my mum refused to get DD a drink or left her to potentially soil herself (the risk you run when not bothering to either help them yourself or get the parent!).

I learned my lesson the hard way. Would never holiday with my mum ever again. I was going away with my DD,DS my friend and her DS. We were both recently divorced nd desperate for a break. My mum kept asking to join us, said she hadnt had a holiday for ages and if she came she could help out take the kids a few nights and allows us a break. I admit to being a bit hesitant at first because we never expected to be able to go out, but in the end the lure of 2 nights out just was too good.
So off we go. We spend day times doing what mum likes, going markets,all the shit souveneir shops and lounging by the pool.
First few nights we stay at the on site bar, chatting, kids playing in the pool next to us. This goes on for 4 days and we are only there for 7. my mum sulked if we didnt do stuff she wanted during the day so up to then the holiday had mainly been about what she wanted.
5th night I ask my mum would she babysit that night. The room was literally 25 feet from the bar and by then she had got chatting to other couples. She pulls a few faces and says we have to get the kids to sleep first, which we managed (kids were 8,8 and 7 at the time). We get ready and are really excited about having a grown up night and finally at 10:30 all the kids are settled we are ready and go to the bar to let mum know we were heading out.
At which point she says "I,m minding yours, but who is minding your friends DS" I was gobsmacked. Friends DS was in the next room to ours, but in the end we couldnt go as even though I,m sure she would have seen to him if he woke up, my friend wasnt happy to leave him.

Thing is if we hadnt have taken her with us, we wouldnt have gone out anyway, but we also wouldnt have had a sulky adult who was miserable when we werent doing stuff she liked or having to find places to eat that did english food because she 'didnt like foreign muck'
never been away with her since, even though she hints like crazy about not having a holiday for years. Even my tolerant SIL has refused to go away with her anymore.

"Being with grandchildren sounds lovely (esp to tell her friends about it) but at no point was she ever really 'with' them."

Yes, my MiL is the same

We went away with her a few years ago - she went on and on and on and on about going away for a family holiday, she wanted to spend time with her grandchildren, we had moved away and it "broke her heart" that she didn't get to see them, it would be lovely, she'd babysit, we could have lie ins as she'd get up with them and take them for early morning walks, etc, etc. We'd already had a holiday and couldn't really afford another one but she insisted she would pay.

However, as she was paying it had to be where she wanted, so ended up cramped into a cottage which really wasn't family friendly in the middle of nowhere. Lovely for sitting on the terrace with a glass of wine and looking at the scenery, but bloody awful with bored 5 and 9 year olds.

When it came to going out she refused to do anything that the children might like and just wanted to go off alone with her husband for the day. We were expected to meet up in the evenings to go out for meals to the restaurants she wanted, which were never somewhere you could kick back and relax and let the kids knock themselves out playing with other kids in the pub garden.

Wanting to "spend time with my grandchildren" seemed to translate as lining them up for the odd photo she could show her friends.

We left them to it in the end and did our own stuff and had an OK time, but we'd never had gone if we had known it was going to be like that. I don't expect them to look after my kids, but they refused to make any concessions that may have made our lives easier (eg, relaxed pub rather than formal restaurant for dinner), refused to spend any actual time with them and just made a week a whole lot harder than it would have been if we'd stayed at home.

YANBU, OP.

When our DCs were babies we would go for little self-catering breaks in the UK and invite one set of grandparents or the other, holiday paid for by us, but were explicit that whilst we didn't want money for the holiday, a night of babysitting would be great.

After all of the tutting and huffing and puffing and emotional guilt and hours spent meal-planning (because two cooked meals a day are necessary?) and washing-up and tea-making and food shopping and tailoring the rest of the holidays to our parents' needs, we have now given up and holiday without them. If we want childcare, we pay for it (cheaper than paying for a more expensive cottage anyway!). And have a relaxing holiday.

And the Center Parcs kids clubs, for example, where they basically run a two-hour party on a given theme, are brilliant (if pricey). The DCs beg us to go. I have no guilt for wanting a couple of hours away from the DCs on holiday, although do want to be with them the rest of the time.

We've just had a "holiday" like this. As some pps have said I reckon it sounds good to whoever they told what they were up to. Whole experience left me feeling very sad as it used to be so different.