To expect grandparents wanting to holiday with their grandchildren to do some childcare?

[Wellington3]

Am probably being unreasonable as feeling fraught after a family holiday with the in- laws. In-laws (grandparents to my dc) were very keen to spend time with the dc so we rented a cottage together. Their spending time with DC (aged 4 & 5) involved them looking at the children and doing nothing to help entertain them. DCs requests for a drink or the loo went "unheard" until either DH or I were back in the vicinity.

Obviously they're not their DCs and the responsibility for them is mine and DHs but isn't part of spending time with the children dealing with the boring stuff too? Everyone is fit & in good health. Perhaps cherry- picking the good bits is a grand-parents ' prerogative. Keen to hear of your experiences.

Couldn't get dd out of the bloody kids club when she was little. She had us hanging around outside the door til closing time.

I could have written this. It was DHs bday whilst we were on holiday with my DPs. I asked if I could sneak off to the near by bar for a quick drink without DCs (ages 5,7,9- so no nappies etc and they are well behaved). Was met with cats bum mouths. Went anyway and returned 1.5 hrs later to DPs reading and ignoring DCs (didn't matter as DCs were playing nicely) and was given cold shoulder for the remainder of the day!!

Should add that was the only time I asked for any babysitting during the the week (we were 5 days in to 7 day holiday). When we returned, I prepared a huge BBQ for later that eve- which I did single-handedly without even an offer of help. I was a bit disappointed

The OP didn't say she needed help. But it would be nice for them to offer.
Looking after you grandchildren shouldn't be a chore! I've always felt like I was doing my Mum a favour by letting her babysit

She is now 13 and has an amazing relationship with both my mum and step dad. She knows they adore her.

I don't blame pils for not wanting to be live in babysitters, they've done their bit bringing up kids by that age.

It's a pleasure to be involved in your Grandchildren's lives.
Honestly! Having a family is not a job
Who really thinks of looking after their children as 'doing their bit'?
She wasn't asking them to take them on til they go to Uni. Just a couple of trips to the loo and a drink!

My DS (7) doesn't really care for kids club on holiday unless they're doing something really interesting. He picks and chooses his activities. DD (5.5) has to be dragged out out of kids club kicking and screaming (one time literally, much to my embarrassment). Are DH and I crap parents because our kid would rather run around with other kids than lounge around the pool reading like us? It had never occurred to me before to feel guilty about her loving kids club.

YANBU. I totally get why the GPs would want to sit on their arses all week whilst the kids provide the entertainment and the parents do all the work, but that doesn't make it an ok thing to do. The world does not revolve around them. If they want the benefits of a family holiday, then they need to be prepared to pitch in and lend a hand with the less relaxing bits too.

Not even shifting yourself to put some milk in a cup is just rude.

Got sidetracked by the kids club thing. OP, YAB a little bit U if you expect free child care from your PIL. But YANBU to expect them to toilet and water your kids if you're not there. That's just the basics, especially when it's hot and kids get thirsty easily. I wouldn't holiday with them again.

My DPil aren't up to much active child care, because they're much older than my DM (my DH was a surprise package when they were both past 40). But they're happy to watch the DC, take them to the toilet and fix them drinks and snacks.

Yanbu.
Why would family not help each other out or get involved?
Expecting them to do the lion's share while you get a lie in every day and lots of nights off? Not reasonable
Expecting they would actually behave like grandparents? Totally reasonable. It was not good behaviour on their part.

Leave the miserable fuckers at home next time.

YANBU! Is expect the majority of grandparents to want to be actively involved in childcare!

Bit of an opposite way round but DH and I have got much younger siblings. If we go on 'family holidays' we always offer babysitting to allow our parents to go out or be more flexible and do our bit as extra adults. We enjoy this!

Lemons, yes, I also felt that I was enabling other generations to have a much more restful holiday than me and DH and I are the ones with jobs to return too. Completely agree that GPs have done their child rearing but I took the view that if they've chosen to come on holiday with us, they should muck in with everything, including a certain amount of childcare.

MIL did help with food prep but I had done the online food shop (meaning I had also done all meal planning).

This is a massive bugbear of mine - and I do think they should help, however I now realise that this is based on my standards not theirs and fully accept what is (and isn't) on offer and get on with it. I do not willingly plan holidays with grandparents however and would only go with them if it was an extra few days away (def not a main holiday) or if it involved siblings/cousins as well!

As for kids clubs - my kids have had some brilliant experiences and as parents who have never been offered much respite by family members (!) DH and I were only too needy of our own break on holiday as well as having a need to spend quality family time together. We are lucky enough to have an absolute minimum of 2 decent holidays a year so don't feel that time is at a massive premium. I think people who are so anti- kids clubs generally get a decent break at home from grandparents or whoever, or have older kids. Once they are 5 or so they are no trouble IMO and generally we don't bother with kids clubs anymore (although I do now have a 1 year old alongside my primary aged other 2 DC so would be tempting to send her alone )

Yanbu.

We took my parents on hol, and, although they didn't take the kids out without us (we visited places every day together) they were very hands on the whole week.

My in-laws are the opposite. See them maybe 3 times a year and, even then, they afford the DC 5 mins lap time and that's it.

Saddening.

I would think generally joining in with basic care (helping with the loo, fetching them a drink when parents are out of the room) and one evening of babysitting (a week) so you can go out would be very reasonable.

We have no such input from our parents tbh, but i still think its not unreasonable to expect it, especially if they profess to want to spend time with their DGCs.

Just don't bother again. We're going on holiday with my Dad, but he's desperate to play with DS, build sandcastles with him, put him to bed and generally spend time with him. I'm going to be heavily pg so have warned him he'll be entertaining the toddler a bit and he's very keen!

My mil is 80 and she won't babysit as feels to old for full responsability for as which is fair enough.

But when we visit her she plays with ds. Bakes with him let him wash up. Tells us to have a rest and takes him out in the garden so we have half to look at papers have a coffee.
My mil is Brill.

Even my own mother is nearly 80 and in very poor health would get up and get ds a drink and would be cross if we tried to do it for her, she likes to do what she can for her grandchildren.

I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect them to muck in after all they are their grandkids

Why do you take GPs away with you if you are so resentful of doing anything for them - cooking etc - but expect them to look after your DC?

You don't get a break from parenting your own DC just because you are with others, even if they are family.

Take the long-term view - your time will come

OP it is very sad isn't it. My DMIL is exactly like this. I have great sympathy for your situation OP. It's just galling hat they are so oblivious to the situation of you the tired parents of young kids and we find it very hurtful that they ask to come away with but just want the appearance of being a grandparent without any playing with or caring for the grandchildren.

My DMIL takes photos all the time loudly wanting help with her camera, stopping and posing the kids for it, interrupting what's going on with the DC. No help of any kind whatsoever ever.

My DD 18mos was standing next to DMIL holding her book she'd brought over, practically hitting her on the leg for granny to read it and MIL just completely ignored it carrying on sitting down on the sofa talking to DH. I think she knows family holidays are a chance to see her adult kids and to have an opportunity to air her many issues with them while they are a captive audience. Being with grandchildren sounds lovely (esp to tell her friends about it) but at no point was she ever really 'with' them. She's been exactly the same with my SIL family who also took her on holiday with them. (Because DMIL asked to come in both cases).

We paid for her own separate place next door so she could eg read her book and get a full nights sleep. So she just turned up at every meal time and then after she'd had her supper went off home to bed. Not so much as a help with washing up or contributing any food or offering to cook or inviting us or the kids round to hers for a cup of tea in the whole holiday. She's always been legendarily selfish but I was honestly amazed to see it with my own eyes.
I have said to DH that I never want to do it again as it is just giving me an adult child to look after (he went out on long country walks whenever he can to get away from her) but I wouldn't be surprised if he suggests it again out of guilt. Somehow her bad behaviour is her children's fault in their minds. Argh. It's upsetting and disappointing- I dread our kids being old enough to notice that she chooses to be so uninvolved, practically and emotionally.

OP YANBU, when my DC were little we went away with my PIL and shared the care if our 2, we didn't go off for the evening on our own, but we ate out enfamily every night and our DC were well behaved and if they got bored, we took turns in going for a walk with them.
Mine are now teenagers but there is a family holiday with my DP every year which their much younger cousins go to, childcare is shared, as is food prep etc as it is always self catering. No book reading and sipping wine, a lot of cricket on the beach and splashing in the sea. My family is very close and there are no boundaries when it comes to controlling or caring for the younger ones. There is one DIL but none of the usual mil/Dil issues usually found on MNet.

I'll be doing similar for a weekend break with my IL's shortly, I can't see it going as smoothly as there is friction between my IL's and their other DILs, it's definitely not one big happy family with a shared view on parenting. I don't doubt my MIL will either be reading her book, sleeping or trying to over parent the little GC, fortunately I'll just be able to sit back and watch the scene evolve whilst my teenagers do their own thing, or maybe I'll be nice and help with my DN's. And my SIL will expect the PIL to babysit at least 1 night so she can go out without her DC, they won't want to as it is a short family break so there will be a bad atmosphere. I won't be offering nor will my DC, not because we are mean, but because she goes out at least twice a week when at home and so doesn't need a break.

My PiL invite themselves up for a few days (they live 3 hours drive away) to "see the children" and "seeing" is pretty much what they do. They mostly sit on the sofa, and watch our life carries on around them with the addition of meat and 2 veg type meals very few hours (I am a 1 pot cook, veggie), trying to keep the dc quiet and sulking from FiL if anyone wants to watch anything other than News24.

Also beside the point but echo the poster above's point about kids' clubs. I loved them as a child, I think they can be very enriching and a great place for children to socialise and make friends.

so they were in the same room but ignored requests for drink and toilet? i dont even ignore strangers children for that one the LEAST i do is look for the parent!

sorry yanbu

Be careful what you wish for. We went away with my Mum and Dad a few years back and they did everything.
They got up with the DC, cooked, paid for things, took DC out and had them in the evening it was lovely of them but I felt a bit odd and redundant, like a child again.
It got to them taking DC out for the fourth day and I felt like I wanted to take them to the beach. I also felt guilty that my parents weren't getting a break. They both work hard and deserve a break too.
So I had a gentle word and we had days out all together, they went off on their own, we shared the cooking and it was lovely.
Hoping to do it again next year.

When we go away with dd and family dh and I offer to babysit every night but in the daytime they tend to do their own thing involving climbing, cycling, long walks etc while dh an I do pottering. I'd be scared of anything happening to dc in a strange place. We are happy to take them to the cinema or a park or something though. The boys are very very active. They are obedient but if they were stuck or something I would struggle to help.

We went away for a week and invited my mum and dad for a couple of days. It was a very fancy SC cottage and they loved it. They turned up with loads of food, put the DC to bed (Nanny loves doing bedtime stories) and the next day they dug holes and played games on the beach and sent DH and I out in the evening for a meal. None of this is expected, it is just done. I know I'm lucky.
My PIL just look at the DC and FIL sometimes takes a picture. I know MIL would like to be a bit more hands-on and I try to encourage her, but she can't quite do it. DH has very rare contact with his family now, one of the reasons being that they all went on holiday together and didn't invite us and didn't tell us about it. For three years in a row.