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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to give away half my money?

520 replies

givemeareason · 17/08/2014 21:09

Me and my DP are about to buy a house together, the first time for both of us.

We are getting a mortgage, but I also have a hefty deposit to put down of 200k. This was not an inheritance, but money I earned and saved over the years - I'm mid thirties so have had a long time to save.

We have a DD together, and we are both committed to our relationship and family.

I am just not so keen to put the deposit down and then effectively have given away half of it if the worst happens and we do split.

DP thinks if I keep the deposit as 'mine' then we would be unequal partners in the relationship and he would be disadvantaged due to owning less of the house, if the house prices rose he would have less equity overall.

AIBU to want to keep my deposit as my own? I probably am.

OP posts:
darksideofthemooncup · 18/08/2014 01:21

and I would say the same if the genders were reversed.

ICanSeeTheSun · 18/08/2014 01:32

I think the advice I will give my children is not to fall in love and have children will someone out of their price range.

Op you must have had a very well paid job to have been able to put in approx over £1000 per month into saving. For the last 15 years ( at a guess) I can see why you wouldn't want to loose it.

EllenJanesthickerknickers · 18/08/2014 02:06

I put a 15% deposit on our house from equity from my flat when exH and I married. He had a similar amount of negative equity on his flat, which we saved up together and paid off. When he left me 15 years later, we had a 'long' marriage and everything had to be split 50/50. When we bought together we were just married and in love. I never dreamt we would ever split up.

Protect your deposit. You have saved that money, not your DP.

Chiana · 18/08/2014 02:34

I agree with the majority. See a solicitor and get the money ring fenced. And think long and hard about if you really want to marry him if he proposes (which he probably will).

200K is an awful lot to gamble on true love, especially if he's already acting entitled and you're not even married yet.

I speak as someone who's been with the same guy for 12 years and happily married for nearly 9. I've watched friends with apparently lovely husbands and partners split and have massive rows over money. Including one friend who inherited a large amount from her parents and ended up having to give half of it to her cheating ex. Trust, but verify.

JollyGolightly · 18/08/2014 03:18

I am absolutely with the majority on this and am glad your head is clearer for the advice

I also think you don't like him that much.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 18/08/2014 04:03

I don't think he sounds very likeable! I definitely wouldn't marry him.

I wouldn't "ring fence £200k", that's the equivalent of stuffing it under your mattress. Presumably it got to £200k in part from contributions and in part from interest/investment? No reason why it should stagnate now. I think the fair thing to do is to split the house into the relevant ratios.

itispersonal · 18/08/2014 05:58

B

itispersonal · 18/08/2014 05:58

Not

itispersonal · 18/08/2014 06:06

Not read the while thread my apologies but I am in a similar boat with my Dp.

We have dd together, the deposit for the house is comin from me as Dp doesnt have the funds to contribute to a deposit.

The agreement we have which has been set up in a trust deed is, if when we sell the house; the mortgage gets paid off,plus any estate agents/solicitor fees. I then get my deposit back and any gained equity is split 50/50.

zoemaguire · 18/08/2014 06:07

I was in this position, reversed, when dh and I bought our house. Solicitor helped do relevant legal stuff to protect dhs greater share of deposit in the event that we split. But he did caution that if kids came along, it would nullify agreement as a judge would decide outcomes in event of a split. I don't know how that works if you are not married, though.

Southpaws · 18/08/2014 06:13

Please speak to your solicitor and ask for a trust deed to be drawn up. Haven't read whole thread in detail but have seen tenants in common mentioned but this isn't enough to protect the money that you are putting in.

MotherOfInsomniacToddlers · 18/08/2014 06:27

No have it drawn up that that 200k is yours if you are to sell and you split the equity?
We bought a house last year and the deposit was mine (though only 15k) I even contemplated having that documented that that was my money but seeing as I don't pay anything towards the actual mortgage and that dh would have put in the same amount of money within 2 years of paying the mortgage I decided against it. If it was 200k I wouldn't have hesitated!!

lavenderhoney · 18/08/2014 06:35

Don't do it. After all , if anything should happen to you, its your dd who would inherit, surely? The money would be in trust til she was 21? I hope you have a will leaving her everything you can and a trustee who is a family member, not necessarily your dp.

If anything should happen to you and your dp get all the money, house he doesn't have to look after it and will it to your dd. He could meet and marry and will it to his new wife. If you both die, you can specify who looks after your dd/ dc and a trustee. He can say he wouldn't but he would, wouldn't he? The only way to be sure is make sure your will leaves it to dc.

You should have tenants in common where you specify the split. Just write you paid x deposit, any mortgage payment/ house renovations / redecoration / repair / legal fees / and then a share of what's left based on the equity you put in, so 70/30 perhaps or 90/10 to protect your investment and dc future . Keep all bills.

I was told before I married by a lawyer to protect my assets. I didn't as I thought it was for life and I wanted to as we were sharing our lives etc etc. what an idiot I was:(

EarthWindFire · 18/08/2014 07:11

if kids came along, it would nullify agreement as a judge would decide outcomes in event of a split. I don't know how that works if you are not married, though.

It isn't just if you have children. A judge can over rule anyway in order to meet the 'needs' of both parties upon divorce.

mumminio · 18/08/2014 07:15

+1 for solicitor. Don't agree to just getting your mortgage back. I strongly think you should get all/most of the capital appreciation if you ever sold the house. After all, your DP would not be on the property ladder if it weren't for the deposit.

Out of interest (forgive the pun), will the mortgage payment be more or less than the market rate for rent? If less, then he should say thank you very much and be happy with the arrangement; if more, then consider allowing him some % of the capital appreciation.

Good luck!

mumminio · 18/08/2014 07:16

I mean deposit not mortgage in the first line. Ugh need more coffee!

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 07:22

Red flags.

Protect YOUR money. By the sounds of it he would be doing the same if he was you. And it doesn't sound like he would think twice about taking it off you should you split.

DO NOT DO IT.

sesamstrasse · 18/08/2014 07:23

Also there must be some kind of prenup when / if you do marry. Seriously go to a solicitor and protect yourself.

FacebookWillEatItself · 18/08/2014 07:35

Maybe you could agree that when you come to sell the house or if you were to split up, you get £200k back, he tea whatever he has for a deposit back, and the rest is split equally? It doesn't take interest into account, but seems reasonably straightforward?

This seems like the most sensible solution to me. Although if I were you I would put in an equal deposit to your DP (assuming he has enough to make up half of a reasonable deposit) and use the remainder of yours to fund a second house which you either buy cash or get a BTL mortgage on, and rent out for extra income. Make sure this is in your name only so that if anything happens either way it is treated entirely separately to your family home and is protected in the event that you need to liquidate or live in it yourself.

Chunderella · 18/08/2014 07:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

puntasticusername · 18/08/2014 07:54

Prenups are not binding; they have no status in English law. The judge can take it into account if he/she wants to, but is not obliged to.

Heyho111 · 18/08/2014 08:05

Say the house is worth £400k. You get a mortgage of £200k your portion of the house when drawing up the contract will be 3/4 of the value and your partners will be a 1/4 of the resale value. That way you are securing the deposit.

MangoBiscuit · 18/08/2014 08:07

OP, I'm glad to hear you will be protecting your investment. Personally I would see you getting your £200k back, then splitting the rest, as the fairest option.

ICanSeeTheSun My first reaction after reading just the OP was similar to yours. (My DH has a far greater earning potential, but he's been heavily supported by me to get there. If he suddenly decided it was all "his" money, I'd be pretty pissed off!) But, and this is a BIG but, the OPs situation isn't anything like that. Reading the rest of the posts it seems pretty clear that the OP has earnt and saved that money by herself, with little to no sacrifice on her DPs part. He's not sacrificed or delayed his career to cover childcare to enable the OP to progress. They've only been together 3 years, so I would assume the vast majority of the savings were made before they were even together. He has no claim to that money.

Yes, bigger house often (not always) means bigger bills. But having such a hefty deposit being used will make the mortgage payments much lower, but he'll still be able to benefit fully from the equity, and would be saving a lot on the interest on the mortgage. Overall it's still a very good deal for him.

DaisyFlowerChain · 18/08/2014 09:03

Loving the double standards today on MN. On a thread where the women wants to protect assets it's fine but where the man protected his he is called all sorts. Both situations have a child so it can't be blamed on that.

I think it's right to protect assets or savings that you have worked hard and earnt for but do hate the men hating double standards that are rife on here.

Chunderella · 18/08/2014 09:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.