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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really upset aft DP pointed out a hot girl he thought should 'sit on his face'

301 replies

peachyliz · 17/08/2014 15:18

My DP of 3 years occasionally glances at other women discreetly. I'm fine with that. More recently when his mates are over, they talk about hot women (celebrities) at great length, and I laugh and go along with it. A few times recently he has made similar comments about hot women, even when he is just with me.
Then yesterday we were going through a drive-through, and he pointed out a woman working there and said "she doesn't belong here, she is way to hot to work here", so going along with the joke, I said "oh really?". And he said "she belongs sat on my face".
I was completely stunned, and as we were on the way to spend the day with my family, I just didn't say anything. We spent the evening with friends, and he joked with them that he had crossed the line, and wanted me to just forgive him (in front of them, so no opportunity to talks about it).
I'm angry because I feel like he just doesn't respect me, and that I am a bit of a doormat. I'm having a confidence crisis anyway, because he recently spent several weeks with mention-itus about a new, beautiful female friend of his (who is apparently just lovely, talented, and invited him to a BBQ party without me). So I just feel even more insecure now. If this is the stuff he says to my face, what does he think about when he meets other women?

Sorry for the essay. Am I being unreasonable to be really upset and angry?

OP posts:

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:57

Sorry you feel attacked Beth I can see why you might. It just felt a bit like you were digging a hole at one point, and I couldn't stop myself from replying.

I am a bit worried about your views on men, especially the bit about your partner being a womaniser before the baby arrived.

expatinscotland · 19/08/2014 09:05

I'd kick this immature low-life out, but you knew that already.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 09:06

I am sorry to pounce on you Beth, but you did say some very silly things and tbh it was obvious they weren't coming from a place of security for you

whenever I see it I will not stand by and watch women try to guilt others into putting up with shitty situations so they can feel better about doing exactly that themselves

There is enough societal pressure on women to suck up any old crap from men just to stay with them without the sisterhood piling it on too

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 09:21

What? I wasn't trying to guilt anyone? Seriously, you don't even know me and you're suggesting that I would try to guilt someone into staying in a relationship she's insecure in?
Wow.
Kind of hurt.
Ouch.
I'm off to have a good cry.
:|

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 09:23

My god. And to make me feel better about my own relationship? I wouldn't do that. I'm sorry I said "silly things" nuts just it, I was being silly. I wasn't trying to personally attack anyone though...
Good luck op.

Oblomov · 19/08/2014 09:38

celebrity women are fine.
Dh and I can talk about Kelly Brook till the cows come home, because I think she is a beautiful as he does!!

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 09:42

I wish me and my partner were that cool, and could talk about Kelly Brook for hours!

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 09:45

(That was sarcasm, I didn't know who Kelly Brook was. Having Googled, it turns out she's had some success as an actor and used her public profile to support the charity Petra).

Ev1lEdna · 19/08/2014 10:02

I have skimmed the 8 pages and I suspect that it is 8 pages of LTB and I can understand that approach because my first instinct was that no-one should have to listen to that misogyny particularly from someone who is supposed to love them. I have very strong opinions on this and if I heard it from my OH I think he would know the repercussions. However, relationships are rarely as simple as just leaving someone and there are more factors to consider like how he treats you otherwise, what kind of life you have together (I think you co-own a house,) if he treats you well etc. and only you can know all of that in full and only you can know if him speaking like this is something he is likely to do again, ll and whether you are prepared to accept that.

What this thread has told you is that you are not alone in finding that comment reprehensible and unacceptable. Some people have stated they have no trouble chatting about the finer points of celebrity women with their partners (and that is quite possibly true IN THEIR CASE). There is no shame in not being able to do that, it doesn't actually make you any 'cooler' we all have our unique boundaries and a partnership is about establishing what works for you both. IF you think this is something you cannot continue to listen to and you think it is likely to be the tip of the iceberg of his thoughts and behaviour then perhaps you should think about whether this is the relationship for you. It's a big decision to make though and only you can know if it is the right step. One thing I will say is that you should make it clear to him in no uncertain terms that this is unacceptable to you and you don't wish to hear that kind of conversation from him again, that you feel it denotes a huge lack of respect. If he does it again after you have made this clear then you know what he thinks of you.

lornemalvo · 19/08/2014 10:11

He is saying these things to upset you. He is nasty and weird. Leave him.

Inertia · 19/08/2014 10:17

The key issue here, as Vivacia so rightly pointed out, is that many of us (not just men, and not all men) notice attractive people . That's not the problem. The difference between the OP's partner and everyone else is that he notices an attractive women, uses her beauty to undermine the OP, and then demonstrates how he objectifies women for his own sexual gratification.

The really sad thing is that you'd hope that no woman would put up with this crap, but there are women whose level of self esteem is so low that they compete for men like this. They deserve our support, and assurances that actually it's not ok and not all men behave this way.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 19/08/2014 10:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 10:20

Does anybody seriously think this is the first time this bloke has made a comment like this ? The first time he has made his partner feel like shit ?

"If he does it again" blah blah blah

Equates to give him another chance, doll

This bloke has shown OP who he is. Any decision she makes should be on past behaviour, not on the forlorn hope he suddenly and mysteriously develops some respect for women just because she gave him another shot at it

Ev1lEdna · 19/08/2014 10:22

actually it's not ok and not all men behave this way.

I completely agree and this, as Inertia and Vivacia say is the bottom line. It isn't ok but I understand that there are more things for you to consider about leaving the relationship that only you can know for sure OP. But this isn't ok and although some women might put up with it many, including myself, absolutely wouldn't.

Ev1lEdna · 19/08/2014 10:26

"If he does it again" blah blah blah

Honestly AnyFucker I doubt it is the first time and I probably wouldn't be giving chances I did mention that my OH knows what would happen if I heard this. That said it isn't for me or anyone else here to just tell her to leave him because there is a bigger picture we can't see. Make no mistake though I think the guy is a useless bastard and no one should be listening to his garbage. My main point was it is her decision to make not ours.

hoboken · 19/08/2014 10:27

When you are out with twunt DP, find the biggest, heaviest guy you can see and suggest he sits on DP's head with the hope he crushes it.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 10:30

And so the personal digs continue with no regard to any of my other posts.
Just the one whereby I light heartedly suggest she goes and gets herself pampered.
Ev1lEdna I actually totally agree with you.
Because of this comment (however wrong it is) everyone is suggesting she ups and leaves, which obviously is totally up to OP, if this affects her and hurts her deeply beyond no repair and she can't or doesn't want to forgive, she should leave but what about the rest of the relationship?
If I had followed this advise for myself when my dp was messaging other women my child would only see her father once a week, neither I or my daughter would have our own home, my partner wouldn't have had the chance to change once he realised the effect his behaviour had on me and I wouldn't be in the happy (yes genuinely happy) relationship I'm in now. If I had listened to this advise and left my partner I would have no support from anyone with my daughter, she wouldn't have a stable home and I would be genuinely depressed that I didn't give my relationship a chance, because nobody is perfect.
Everyone acts like it's so simple to just leave someone but OP has been with this man for 3 years, so she must have a reason to have stayed? He must of made her happy? So who are all these people who read a small paragraph of someone's problem and tell them they should up and leave.
I never ever suggested she should put up with anything, I was having a laugh and being a bit sarcastic and it was missed completely, I got totally attacked for it, withdrew what I had said, apologised and offered genuine advise and it's still being brought up? And suggested that I tell OP to up her game and compete with these women?
seriously?!
I think the advise given here is great if all OP needs is encouragement to leave her partner, but is that what OP has asked for?
Or was she asking for reassurance for feeling hurt?
Perhaps other people should also think before keyboard bashing people into throwing their relationships away after knowing so little.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 10:36

Beth, you said it yourself. This thread isn't about your relationship. But yes, if you had posted about your partner's behaviour with other women I would have advised you to leave him. Preferably before you had a child with him, because I agree it makes it much harder to end a relationship when there are dc involved. Unfortunately some men are very aware of that and exploit it.

But Op doesn't have children (yet) with this man. Best she dumps him before she gets to that point.

It's just my opinion and I have no qualms whatsoever about telling women they can do a damn sight better than staying with a man who views women this way.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 10:40

"Well Beth, you did say get yourself up to scratch with the other girl, which despite you saying your an independent laydee it suggests your a desperate doormat who thinks women should compete for their man aesthetically"
If I am the doormat you say I am your comments certainly
Wouldn't help. When did I say I was an independent lady exactly? And what help do you think that comment is for anyone?
I was being sarcastic when I said "up to scratch with the girl who works in McDonald's" because SHE WORKS IM FUCKING MCDONALDS and if my do had said this I would have joking said "well I best get to the gym to match up to the girl who works in maccy fucking d's" and I've been ripped to shreds for it to the point people are posting purely to have a nasty dig at me.
Who mentioned sisterhood? I can't believe most the posters on here who seem to go out of their way to upset people.
If I've upset people at least it's unintentionally done and apologised for.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 10:42

She may not have children with him but does that mean that she should leave him because random people tell her to?
No it's not about me. But I'm going to stand up for myself when people go out of their way to insult me and rip me to shreds.
It's truly incredible how vicious some people can be.

temporaryusername · 19/08/2014 10:45

I do hope the OP comes back. Maybe she isn't ready to end the relationship and needs time to think - I know many of us wouldn't need that time but then we probably would have had a problem with it much earlier five minutes after meeting him. After three years it might not be a sudden decision for her. Or she may end up staying. She may feel that she can't come back as everyone including me is saying LTB and so she would feel uncomfortable if her responses didn't go along with that.

Whatever you're thinking OP I hope you feel you can come back and talk on here as people will be able to engage with wherever you're at in your thinking and give you some help.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 10:46

Nobody is "telling her what to do". She is a woman with free will.

I don't think anybody has been vicious to you Beth. I think they are concerned for you and have taken an opportunity to see if they can prick your denial in some small way. It's often unsuccessful though and women don't often get thanked for pointing out bloke's unacceptable behaviour, strangely enough.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 10:49

If this is what "concern" looks like then I'm genuinely shocked.
That's worrying.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 10:51

Beth, you find it worrying when someone tells you that you can do better than a bloke who messages other women when you are pregnant ?

I find that worrying.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 10:51

Next time someone comes to me with issues I'll be sure to call them a "desperate doormat" so they understand how "concerned" I am.
I didn't ask for advise or anyone else's opinion, still got it. And people have jumped into assuming I'm in a "shitty situation" etc. it's incredible

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