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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel really upset aft DP pointed out a hot girl he thought should 'sit on his face'

301 replies

peachyliz · 17/08/2014 15:18

My DP of 3 years occasionally glances at other women discreetly. I'm fine with that. More recently when his mates are over, they talk about hot women (celebrities) at great length, and I laugh and go along with it. A few times recently he has made similar comments about hot women, even when he is just with me.
Then yesterday we were going through a drive-through, and he pointed out a woman working there and said "she doesn't belong here, she is way to hot to work here", so going along with the joke, I said "oh really?". And he said "she belongs sat on my face".
I was completely stunned, and as we were on the way to spend the day with my family, I just didn't say anything. We spent the evening with friends, and he joked with them that he had crossed the line, and wanted me to just forgive him (in front of them, so no opportunity to talks about it).
I'm angry because I feel like he just doesn't respect me, and that I am a bit of a doormat. I'm having a confidence crisis anyway, because he recently spent several weeks with mention-itus about a new, beautiful female friend of his (who is apparently just lovely, talented, and invited him to a BBQ party without me). So I just feel even more insecure now. If this is the stuff he says to my face, what does he think about when he meets other women?

Sorry for the essay. Am I being unreasonable to be really upset and angry?

OP posts:
bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:18

No, because the bills go from his account and I pay for food and family days out. (And the deposit for our family home and the car)
Assumptions.
I was having a little bit of a laugh, didn't read mumsnet rules on that not being allowed.

TinyMonkey · 19/08/2014 08:23

Ladies that got I the gym, have your haircuts or indulge in the occasion facial get some self respect.

Are you for real? My partner respects and loves me regardless of my skincare/haircare regime.

I'm sorry that you feel so insecure that you think appearances are so important.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:23

Sorry?
He's never cheated?
But because someone on mumsnet suggested he I shouldn't find reasons to stay with him perhaps I should pack up my things and our daughters stuff, sell our home and move back in with my mother.
Sounds like a great idea.
Take peoples opinions with a pinch of salt OP, including mine.
I was trying to be a little light hearted, but seriously do what is best for yourself long term. Only you know what you are willing to put up with and what you're not. That comment would hurt me too if dp said that, but I wouldn't leave him for it. If it continued when he knew it got to me then it would be a problem.
But that's just me.

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:24

It's not the looking at ladies, it's his behaviour, which is starting to make op insecurities worse, making her feel inadequate, which should not happen. He doesent sound like he respects women very much. His comments are behaviour are unacceptable!

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:26

For the last time! I didn't say she should go the the fucking gym for him, more the salon! Just suggest tsing she does something for herself to build her confidence! She said she was having a confidence crisis! OP the salon was a suggestion!? Because that makes me feel more confident! But going to college and empowering myself by doing extreme sports such as sky diving also empowers me and makes me feel more confident so by all means do whatever might help boost your confidence FOR YOURSELF

sunflower49 · 19/08/2014 08:27

I know I'm late to the thread but I agree with what's said before.

A horrible, vile thing to say and to think you can get away with saying it in front of a woman you (I assume?) claim to love and cherish is a red flag, to me. IF he can get away with this, what will he say/do next?!

Also yes, I would associate such a comment with a teenager who has no idea what is uncouth and what is funny-having said this, my 15 year old nephew wouldn't say this in front of his girlfriend, in fact I doubt he would say it at all!

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:28

Yes we are just going by the op, which really doesent present him in a good light. His behaviour I believe was starting to negatively affect op. Yes I do believe she should cut and run and not have a family with this man child. It is up to op what she does, I hope we have given op an objective opinion.

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:28

It's not an assumption Beth, you said,
"I'd tell him you'd prefer her kept those comments to times spent with the guys and that you now need some you time which involves him paying for weekly salon visits and a gym"

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:29

Mabey ditching that mysogenistic prick will help her confidence!

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:31

I didn't say she should go the the fucking gym for him, more the salon! Just suggest that she does something for herself to build her confidence!

No you didn't. You said she should go to the gym and the salon in order to get herself up to scratch with the woman he's perving over.

I'm not nit-picking to win points, I'm hoping that once you've stopped being pissed off with us, you'll have a rethink about some of your decisions.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:33

The assumption being that she should go the gym for his sake! Not about who pays for it!
I dont think this conversation will benefit OP so I think I shall stay well out.
I was being a little be sarcastic / lighthearted and have given OP genuine advise too.
I hope she finds peace one way or another.
Over and out.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 19/08/2014 08:34

.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:36

I was being sarcastic, when I said she should "get herself up to scratch". Why would I ever seriously say that to another woman? It was a joke about his seemingly shallow opinion on a "really hot girl who works in McDonald's"

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:38

Well, it wasn't a funny joke if made to a person already being undermined.

BravePotato · 19/08/2014 08:41

He sounds very young, immature really?

The sort of age (like a teen) where fitting in with, and approval of his mates is still very important to him.

He doesn't sound bad, just very young and a bit silly.

Too young for a serious relationship maybe?

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:42

Ok.
Apologies if that's how OP feels.
Hopefully you're helped by others opinions & advise.

JapaneseMargaret · 19/08/2014 08:45

Go back and read your original post. It doesn't have a joking tone, in the slightest. You go on about being insecure, youself.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 08:45

He didn't make this particular comment to his mates though, he made it to the woman he presumably respects and wants to spend the rest of his life with

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:46

Bravepotato I agree. I don't think he was being nasty even if the comment was hurtful (understandably so) he just sounds immature. A think men develop a little slower than us ladies and take longer to grow up...in general...in my experience before I get moaned at for grouping people.
I do feel for OP, if you already have confidence issues, that kind of comment would hit a nerve.
If he was to continue knowing it hurt me, I'd definitely decide to walk, in my humble opinion.
Hope OP is okay.

AnyFucker · 19/08/2014 08:47

Beth what did you mean by saying your partner was "a womaniser right up to the birth of your child" ?

That doesn't sound at all a good situation for you

Vivacia · 19/08/2014 08:49

I can well believe that, in your experience, 31 year old men get away with this shit because "they just mature slower than us ladies".

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:49

I agree I hope she's ok, if he continues despite knowing it hurts her it would be bye bye

Aeroflotgirl · 19/08/2014 08:50

At 30 he should be mature by now, he's not a teen

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:51

I Just apologised? And have tried to give genuine advise sense, is there anything else I can do?
It's pretty hard to project sarcasm. When I read it to myself it's in a sarcastic tone, If I were to read it again seriously, perhaps not. What else can I do? Would you like me to sacrifice some blood?
Sorry OP, if my comment offends you.
Obviously you shouldn't do those things to try and win his approval, I just thought they might help with your confidence crisis, but maybe I'm wrong. I feel that I'm kind of being attacked now, so don't really know what else to say.
Other than after all this I might quit the gym and take up smoking.
(Sarcastic, in case it was missed)
Honestly hope things get better for you OP, whatever you decide.

bethcutler13 · 19/08/2014 08:56

This thread isn't about me, my partner wasn't at all a nice person, he never cheated but he messaged other women a lot and went behind my back. Since having my daughter he's been a total gentleman, but I don't want to go into all that but maybe that changes my opinion on outright comments about women? Because he was such an ahole behind my back and spoke to other women in that way and I never knew. He was perfect to me to my face, it deception that got to me. Anyway, like I say not about me.
Also didn't know he was 31 and didn't ever once suggest it was excuse for that behaviour just agreed that he sounds immature .my lord I can't say anything
:(