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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that a pessimistic attitude can affect fertility and IVF outcomes [title edited by mnhq]

163 replies

crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 12:58

ok this is a provocative title but so many books advocate a mind/body approach, particularly with unexplained IF that I am wondering if my negative thinking "nothing is going to work" is the reason behind my IF? this really concerns me because I thought naively that sex=conception but now it seems my personality/outlook is all wrong!!

based on this I am thinking that I need to have a completely different personality (ie become an optimist rather than a pessimist) if I am ever have a dc - which seems too difficult for me to do.

so in order to understand this better can any pessimists/optimists share their experience and if they felt it hindered or helped them in relation to fertility/IF as the whole issue is so loaded with myths etc...

OP posts:
SurelyYoureJokingMrFeynman · 17/08/2014 13:17

Yes, because worrying about whether you're going to get pregnant is such an effective contraceptive... Hmm

The psychological effect you're actually experiencing here is magical thinking. You're trying to invent a bit of control over something which you can't control and which is distressing you.

soverylucky · 17/08/2014 13:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

dolphinsandwhales · 17/08/2014 13:18

Er, OP I'm glad you have thrown some light on this matter, perhaps you could explain this to the consultant gynaecologist who diagnosed that I'd never conceive naturally and ivf was my only option. Not sure why the consultant had years of medical training when obviously you know better.

Yanvvu, perhaps you could have worded your title as 'some unexplained infertility' rather than grouping all infertile people in the same category?

Thankfully ivf worked for me and I have a happy, healthy child, but people spouting bullshit about infertility is not helpful.

dolphinsandwhales · 17/08/2014 13:19

Sorry that should say yabvu.

fuckupperymakeruppery · 17/08/2014 13:22

i've had 20 years of this sort of comment to my face.... SO if she has touched a nerve, then i apologise for my harsh comments....

if only you would be more positive you would have a baby...yeah right if only it were that simple.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 17/08/2014 13:22

I was a pessimist (an overwhelming optimist in all other areas of my life though).

From a young child onwards, I was truly convinced that I was infertile. Absolutely convinced. I am very skinny and just 'felt' infertile.

In the end I was one of the 0.000001% that get pregnant on the pill, going through a deeply traumatic time. And with my second pregnancy I became pregnant first month of trying.

I think mental state has squat all to do with it.

Impatientwino · 17/08/2014 13:23

Not a very nice thread title op is it?

We were ttc for 18 months. I had an op on my womb to remove a polyp near my left tube that they thought shouldn't but might be affecting implantation and they told me to forget about getting pregnant for a few months as it would take a few cycles for my lining etc to get back to normal.

Fell pregnant 25 days later same cycle as op!

Consultant says he thinks it's because I relaxed and didn't track my days etc rather than the polyp. Personally I think I obviously needed a spring clean Grin

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:23

yes I am currently struggling with IF and on the waiting list for IVF so I know this a very emptive issue. It is also a billion pound industry ok made that up but it is a lot of money i know that that says that you should buy this book/pay for.accupunture/develop a 'fertile mindset' whatever the f*ck that is

anecdotal though most stories do seem to lend themselves to the 'on a break' side of things... so maybe there is something in it.

Now all I need.to.do is practise reverse psychology on myself...I do not want a child.... etc

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:25

enjoying that is interesting.

OP posts:
Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:27

ok how do I change the title?

OP posts:
GobblersKnob · 17/08/2014 13:28

Bollocks, sorry, anecdotal evidence from the other end of the spectrum, as I was stressed to high heaven both times we decided to try to conceive.

I am a total control freak, and felt indescribably panicky at trying to do this thing I had so little control over, obsessively read books and the internet, struggled to sleep, bulk bought tests, and conceived on the second month both times.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:30

magical thinking is a good way of putting it. so basically we should abandon magical thinking.if it is making us feel.worse?

OP posts:
fuckupperymakeruppery · 17/08/2014 13:32

yeah... thanks for getting me deleted when i suggested that the OPs attitude might have more to do with her not having kids than her positive frame of mind.

We women who struggle with infertility are constantly given medical reasons why we cannot concieve, and simply saying you cant have kids becuase you are not happy enough is offensive, insensitive and just plain nasty.

No one is telling you to spend thousands of pounds being happy in order for your ivf to be sucessful and anyone who does is a shark, that should be avoided.

IMHO the title alone is offencive enough to get this whole thread removed.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:32

gobblers it is good to hear that sort of thing.

OP posts:
Bowlersarm · 17/08/2014 13:33

Your thread title invites harsh comments, OP.

We were lucky enough to conceive more or less when we wanted to give or take six months.

We do have a handful of friends however who conceived naturally without expecting to, after either fertility treatment had been successful or after adopting. So in a small number of couples, the 'relax and forget about it' thing must work.

lildupin · 17/08/2014 13:35

Mate, if my mother could get pregnant 4 times, then if anything, a negative angry hostile outlook is a bonus WRT conception.

RaspberrySnowCone · 17/08/2014 13:36

It's not all in the mind, whether it's explained or unexplained infertility, and laying the blame at someone's door by insinuating that they've stressed themselves and made themselves infertile, is offensive and bloody stupid. Some people get to a point after many years of infertility where they grieve then start to patch their lives back together. Sometimes they then get pregnant at that point. There can be any number of reasons for it but saying it's just because they 'relaxed' is ridiculous and insensitive. Everyone knows a friend of a friend who knows one such person. If you are struggling to become pregnant don't put extra stress on yourself by telling yourself it's your fault because you are being negative. It makes sod all difference. If stress was a massive factor in infertility woman in war zones or highly volitile countries would never have children. Thousands of women in stressful or dangerous jobs get pregnant. It's just not relevant and the comment just makes me want to throw things.

MintyCoolMojito · 17/08/2014 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

allisgood1 · 17/08/2014 13:37

I loathe books and articles that blame the child/person/patient.

No, it's not all in the mind. I personally don't even believe in unexplained fertility. Seems to me that the scientists are the ones who can't explain not the patient

lildupin · 17/08/2014 13:38

fuckuppery Thanks

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:39

fuck I am not peddling this idea... it is already out there. I am trying to work out if there is anything in it and if the collective wisdom of MN can help dispel the myths either factually or anectotally. Hopefully someone can tell me how to change title as it should refer to unexplained fertility and personality traits/magical thinking.

sorry if I have upset/offended anyone.

OP posts:
Greyhound · 17/08/2014 13:43

Fuckuppery I think it was the fact that you called the OP a C--T (to use your hyphens)... other than that I totally agree with you.

The title of the thread was insensitive.

I got told that my miscarriages meant that I couldn't carry boys/couldn't carry girls, that they weren't 'meant to be', that the baby would have been deformed - blah blah blah. I also remember a delightful man telling me, once I was pregnant with my ds, that I better not 'lose it' this time...

Hmmmm

YorkshireTeaGold · 17/08/2014 13:45

Im a total neurotic pessamist. Was convinced I couldn't have dcs as I wanted them so much. I conceived literally the first time I had unprotected sex. Twice. I now have 2 dds.

If it was in the mind at all I'd be the last person to be a mum... It doesn't help the infertile at all to say that it's just a case of "relaxing" as it's just not the case.

Original poster
crashbandicoot · 17/08/2014 13:47

thank you yorkshire

OP posts:
Morrigu · 17/08/2014 13:48

Load of rubbish. By that standard, I am one of the most pessimistic people I know. Been treated for stress and depression and have fallen pregnant at the drop of a hat three times. On the first month each time. I feel insensitive saying that but just trying to show you a different perspective.

I know three people going through 'unexplained' infertility. One has had a child after five years of trying, the other two unluckily are still trying. I find the attitude to just relax, be happy and let it happen is very hurtful to women and somehow seems to shift some sort blame onto them.

Wish you the best op and hope it happens for you soon.

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