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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk about my children

124 replies

lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 00:58

I've been home a couple of hours from the worst birthday celebration ever...

Went out with my girls, was some weird drama in the air all night. Culminated in my very good friend exploding with rage at everyone for talking about our children. Kid talk was probably 25% of the discussion all night and 75% of us have children. Other discussions were work, family, men, gossip, pets etc etc

Friend who exploded has said they have had enough of us talking about our kids. Was actually off and rude all night before this happened. Said friend talks about her job and pet which we all obligingly listen to. Whilst I know it must be annoying to talk about kids, if that's our lives and we only discuss it for a small portion of the evening, is it really that awful? I get it must be pretty hurtful if you want kids and don't have them. I try to keep my conversation in check for that reason, but sometimes i have fuck all to say if I didn't talk about them. I don't want to drift apart because I can't talk about my life too, but that looks like the way it may have to go.

I must add, it's my birthday, and the whole night was ruined by the general moodiness and outburst. I feel guilty for being a mum, talking about my kids, and angry that my friend can't be more selfless for one fucking night. AIBU?

OP posts:
CarryOn90 · 17/08/2014 01:04

YANBU. That sounds awful. I suppose it can be annoying if you're the only one without kids, but it sounds like you made a real effort to talk about all sorts of other things so she has no right to complain. Completely unreasonable for her to explode like that.

But on your birthday you can talk about whatever you like FFS!

I think she just needs to suck it up and accept it, children are an enormous part of your life and will often come up in conversation, it's unavoidable. Don't feel guilty about it.

Only1scoop · 17/08/2014 01:04

To be honest me and my friends.... when we rarely get together don't really talk kids at all....I'm a mum and I find talking kids about as dull as I did before I had dc.

However sounds like she had a bee in her bonnet anyhow and the kid talk just made her explode....

Sorry your birthday was ruined by this outburst....is she normally one to kick off?

CarryOn90 · 17/08/2014 01:04

Oh and happy birthday!! ThanksCake

AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 01:08

Happy birthday Smile Cake

She was being an arsey fuck, and although she might have good reason, she doesn't get to dictate what people choose to talk about!

Don't let her make you feel awkward talking about them.

It'd be a bit tempting to talk about them a bit more wouldn't it? But that wouldn't be nice Grin

BOFster · 17/08/2014 01:09

She was out of order, no doubt. Is there a chance she is having issues with fertility or something which might make it more understandable?

IHopeYouStepOnALegoPiece · 17/08/2014 01:12

Honestly, there's every chance she desperately wants a baby and can't have them...And it isn't a reflection in you and her thinking all you go on about is kids but it really really hurts when you can't have kids and people are talking about theirs...and it's not their fault it just is that way.

A few weeks ago I very nearly screamed and threw food at everyone at the table for doing the same...instead I went and had a little weep in the toilet...

I'm not saying her outburst was justified, just maybe give her the benefit of the doubt on this one

Happy birthday!

Trills · 17/08/2014 01:13

Is this a "friend" who is normally rude, insensitive, or self-centered?

If not, then there are a number of possibilities:

1 - you were talking about children far more than you thought, and more boringly than you thought
2 - there is a particular reason why she found it hard to hear about children
3 - she'd just had a generally very bad day, but not in a way that relates to children

If she is normally ride and/or insensitive and/or self-centered, then why is she your friend?

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:17

Thanks all, feel better to know I'm not alone feeling fucked off.

She's not got fertility issues, but I know she's hankering after a baby. Is single and mid 30s so I know it's sensitive. I don't actively not talk about my kids, but if she wasn't there it would be much more of the conversation, so I do keep it in check to a certain extent.

I just don't know how to go forward on this. I can't not talk about my kids, but I don't want to offend, bore or piss her off.

Down to basics...If she asks how I am, do I say 'fine' or do I say knackered.. Baby lemon had me up all night?

OP posts:
BOFster · 17/08/2014 01:20

I guess you just say "fine", as you do to a casual enquiry. She doesn't really want details.

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:21

That surely means friendship dwindles then I guess... Where do you go from there? Hmm

OP posts:
CarryOn90 · 17/08/2014 01:23

Even if it is a sensitive topic for her, I don't think it's practical for you to have to watch what you say constantly in case you bring up children by accident. They're your kids, they take up most of your time, it's just inevitable that you will mention them. And that's something she will have to get used to, the only way to avoid seeing/hearing about children/pregnancy completely is to just not go outside. I hope that doesn't sound unkind or insensitive.

BOFster · 17/08/2014 01:25

Well, yes, it does. Or at least it ebbs and flows. Save the commiserating about sleepless nights for your friends who get it, and allow your friendship with this woman to find a new dynamic for the time being. Either she will come to understand, or it will die off. That's the way of the world, I think.

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:27

No that's exactly as I think too! I can't not talk about them.

I'd she can't deal with it, then we sadly can't /don't have a friendship. Makes me very sad.

I don't know what else I can do.

Feeling guilty for having kids, or biting my tongue I'd I go to say something is not where I want to be either. Hmm

OP posts:
cithkadston · 17/08/2014 01:28

I wouldn't want to be friends with someone who just randomly explodes at her friends' birthday nights out!

CarryOn90 · 17/08/2014 01:30

lemon what did she actually say during her outburst? did she say anything about not having kids and finding it insensitive, or did she just say it was boring for her or something?

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:34

She said she couldn't take it anymore, the talk about children was fucking her off, it was constant, that she felt outside of it, lonely etc. at said time she screamed, demanded to get out of car, was crying and said she hated us. Quite dramatic Hmm

OP posts:
cithkadston · 17/08/2014 01:35

she sounds unhinged!

SavoyCabbage · 17/08/2014 01:37

I've a few friends (who have children) who talk about their pets and I want to scream. I never know what to say back and it's all so mind numbing to me. I bet they are only talking about them for 25% of the time but it sure feels longer. "Why are you telling me about where your cat likes to sleep?" I am thinking.

TheWave · 17/08/2014 01:47

I'm sure the overall conversation felt one-sided to her and I'd probably try to make my chat about other things on my life if I knew she was at the event - food, news, tv, things in the past, pre-children etc. Maybe you thought you did that but are you sure?

You said she talks about her job etc, well were you involved in further chat about that? Did you talk about her job and coversation flowed? She might have felt you weren't as interested in her conversation.

I suppose it all came out as she was probably a bit tipsy?,

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:49

Yeah I get that! I listen to shit that bores the tits off me, but when it's my good friends, I think to myself they are my friend, and this is important to them. So I listen, offer advice if I can.

I think with kids it must be constant chat that drives people without kids to melting point. I feel really fucked off I don't mean enough to my friend that she couldn't keep herself in check for my birthday, and really sad that this is the way things are generally. I've stayed up so late stressing, despite home early ... That Fucks me off too! Lol

OP posts:
zzzzz · 17/08/2014 01:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:56

Thewave - yes talk about her job has been 50 % of our recent conversation. I've helped her sign her contracts. Pick her life insurance, company car. Given her a congratulations card etc. I'm very involved in her. I spent an hour of tonight empathising about her sick cat as she cried, literally. I'm not selfish at all.

I have a toddler and newborn, a full time job and my kids plus work feature in my conversation. It's not that my kids are 8 and 10 and I'm bestowing their achievements, I'm in the one of the hardest part of mothering with no sleep and a night out is a treat and very rare.

OP posts:
Original poster
lemonfolly · 17/08/2014 01:59

Zzzzz no MS or infertility, she is single but wants a baby though. I get its hard wanting a baby and not seeing how you can get what you want. I don't know how to be friends though if I can't talk about my life too though.

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 17/08/2014 02:02

That does sound very dramatic, depending on whether she's prone to screaming that she hates you all etc and how she's normally affected by a couple of bevvies, it makes me think this must have been building up for a while for her to blow her top like that.

She does sound as though she's feeling a bit isolated by not being able to connect with you/friends and that part of your lives, but that's hardly your fault!

People do move on and do things that are different to the rest of their friends, it's just something you have to accept or move on isn't it?

How did the other people with you react? Shock at a guess?

Lweji · 17/08/2014 02:05

YANBU.

She is simply not a good friend.

She was not sensitive to your birthday and she won't be sensitive around you if you had an issue, as she expects you to.