To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

The fact that DD1 isn't volunteering it would be reason enough IMO to give it to cramped, full-time resident DD2.

Puzzled by the American thing comment. I'm American (living in the UK now) and we bunked where our parents told us. Which meant that when one went to University, they automatically were assigned the smaller room, as they were not there most of the time. The child that is there at the house full time gets the bigger room because she's actually living in it full time.

If I had demanded my parents let me keep my particular room when I went to Uni, it would NOT have gone over well. And I still wouldn't have won the argument.

Maybe give the OP a break? She has already said she is going to tell DD1 to swap basically. I think she has got the message...

YABU I was the eldest child and 'lost' my big bedroom to my brother when I went to uni. It seemed perfectly fair to me (and I wasn't generally a particularly generous sister). Stupid to have a big room sitting empty for much of the year (and you may find your eldest prefers to go off to work and travel in the holidays rather than coming home) whilst your youngest will definitely use the room,want friends round etc.

Yabu

Having said that, we wanted dd2 to move into dd1's room, and she didn't want to and chose to stay in her (tiny and very messy) room.

Coming from the perspective of the oldest child here, I still think DD2 should get the better room. When we moved house I got the biggest room on the understanding that when I went to uni, one of my sisters could have it. When it came down to it, neither of them could actually be bothered to move, but they went in there if they ever needed more space, etc. I just thought I was lucky to have any room to come back to in the holidays, and somewhere to store my stuff. Lots of people don't!

When DD1 is saying where is her stuff supposed to go, well, where is DD2s stuff supposed to go now? Or, because she doesn't have anywhere to put it, does she have fewer possessions than DD1 as well as less space?

Give DD1 the choice: either she can keep the room as hers to come back to, but DD2 can use it whenever she is away, so her friends can sleepover, possibility of them going through her stuff, sleeping in her bed, etc.
Or she can have a room, that is totally hers and no one can go into, she can redecorate herself, etc, but it will be smaller.

Subsequent siblings usually feel second best. I'd have swapped before now every few years so that the younger one felt just as important.

Your DD1 was selfish not to suggest it herself and help the younger one move.

I would definitely let DD2 have it. DD1 is now an adult and cannot expect her room to be kept empty for her to use only a few weeks a year.

You're being very unfair.

When I went to uni my mother cleared out my childhood room and turned it into a guestroom. My brother's room was turned into an office when he left. At the time it did sting a bit and I felt sorry for myself, but with the benefit of hindsight, my mother was exactly right. Because it marked the fact that we were now grown up, we had started our independent adult lives and that the house I grew up was my parents' house, not ours, and they decided what happened in it.

I think that is a very important distinction to make. I have relatives who are pushing thirty, always lived with their parents and they still have their bedroom just the way they always have had. They talk about "our house" and discuss the maintaince like it is them paying for it. Except they aren't. Their parents are still paying for everything. I find it quite disturbing that they don't realise that if the person who pays the mortage is the person who owns the house.

Yup your dd1 is being unreasonable, my bedroom was made into a guest room about 20 minutes after I went to halls.

She (your dd1) will still have a room to stay in, I betcha you she won't care by the time she is home at Christmas anyhow.

YABU. I grew up in a very crowded house, and shared with my grandmother until my grandfather (other side) died and I moved into his room. The day I left for university, my younger sister moved into my room - until then, she had shared a tiny room with bunks with our younger sister since younger sister got too old to share with our brother. It was only fair. My belongings were stored in the attic, and I slept on the sofa when I returned for Christmas.

This may be a difference between now and then - I left for university in 1990 (or maybe a working-class/middle-class difference? We were WC and no one in the extended family had ever finished school) - but it was definitely understood that I had 'left home' when I went to university.

I'm the eldest of four, and there simply wasn't space or resources at home for me to keep more than a foothold there. I realise now that eighteen year olds are psychologically younger, perhaps, than we were then, and there's an expectation that university leavers will return to their parents' house, but I think that my experience wasn't a bad way of doing things. It made me realise I was an adult, launched on the world, and responsible for myself.

I honestly don't know what id do. I do know that as soon as I moved out my room was taken over by my youngest sister...

dd1 needs to give her room up, most of her stuff will be at uni, so the no space remark doesnt work

or can you get bunkbeds for dd2 so she can have friends to stay

in the end it is your house and you are not kicking dd1 out, just giving her a diff bedroom

youngest always gets smallest bedroom, i did

MrsWinnibago - sorry, only just come back to this and saw your Q. Nope, university is not in my children's future. They are both disabled. My oldest may progress to a flat with support, but my youngest will need lifelong residential care in a group setting.

I assume you are asking because you think that if I don't have experience, I can't know how a child feels about their room being reallocated?

When my sister left home, I didn't get her room. I stayed in the box room. It was ridiculous. That's why I feel the way I do. The one at home should have the benefit. An empty room is a waste.

I let my dd2 have the biggest bedroom right now, she's under 10! I allowed them to discuss it and told them if they couldn't agree, we would draw lots. My eldest decided that her sister had more toys than her and was happy with the smaller but perhaps nicer looking room.

I don't see why a one or two year older sister should be in the biggest room for 18 years or indeed why it should be reserved til 21. Second children can end up feeling second best, I would hate that for my second (and I'm not a second, I'm a first, but can manage to see that a first getting everything better is a recipe for sibling rivalry in adulthood).

I think YABU, of course DD1 will still have somewhere to stay but why should she keep the bigger room when she won't be using it for 9 months of the year?

Time to let DD2 spread her wings IMO.

I would have a discussion with DD1 and ask her how she would feel, can she put herself in DD2's shoes? Can she imagine always having had the tiny room, how much she would want the big one and how unfair it would seem that it was usually empty? What about if she was the parent - would she give her younger child the room?

The stuff is a red herring - if you've got too much stuff to keep in a small room, store some somewhere else or have a clearout FGS, you're going to university so throw some old crap away.

Wait till she's 40-something with 2DC, and living in a small terraced 3-bed. The amount of crap I have had to get rid of! She has to learn to get less sentimental about stuff.

I've thought about it.

This almost reminds me of when I was an aupair. They had two spare rooms: one ensuite with double bed and one tiny box room that barely fit a twin bed and wardrobe. Guess which room they gave me? It wasn't the big one! Guess how long I lasted? About a week.

Not the same situation at all OP but I would seriously take into consideration your 10 year olds feelings rather than just practicalities.

The fact that DD1 doesn't want to 'give up' the room is just a sign she wants to have her cake and eat it too. Part of going to university is growing up and leaving home! She needs to get a grip, of course no reasonable person would go away for most of the year and then expect their parents to reserve the big room when their sibling was stuck in the tiny box room.

Keeping a room for someone who 'might' drop out, come back after university (three years away at least!) or feel pushed out in favour of someone who definitely does live in the house and could really benefit from the extra space seems odd.

I think DD2 should get the room but DD1 may be right about all her stuff not going in the smaller so I'd use the opportunity (and here myabe I'm a cow for suggesting a clear and sort out) to get her to box up 'old' stuff that she won't be needing again. Things from childhood, old books she can't get rid of, and sort through her clothes. I'd then store some still in the bigger room in boxes and vacumn bags so when DD1 is home she isn't squashed and she doesn't get the arse about that.

DD2 gets the bigger room but since she has less shit, she put up with storage under the bed/in the cupboards. Both then are compromising, DD1 has the smaller room but her things aren't all packed in with her and DD2 gets the larger room but gives up some storage space.

University is a good way off for us at the moment (dcs 10, 7 & 2), but we're about to move house and I have already suggested the little one gets the biggest room, as she'll be in it for longer ! Will certainly save on any problems later on

YABVVU.

You say that 'it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room', so you admit that DD2s room is not good enough for DD1, but expect DD2 to put up with it for 30 weeks a year when there's a much larger room just down the corridor!

When I went to uni I actually had the smaller room, and within the year my mum had made me sort through my stuff, cleared it out and turned it in to a guest room! Obviously I was a bit hurt initially, but I always had a bed when I came home, and on reflection, it seemed perfectly reasonable to me - why should I be taking up space when I wasn't there?! Because my mum and dad made it clear that that was the plan, I accepted it.

If DD1 is digging her heels in, it's only because you are not behind the move either, and both daughters will sense that. It's your house, you make the rules - but to not allow DD2 the better room you are making it very clear that you value DD1 far more than DD2. You can justify the move to DD1 in a hundred ways, but I don't think you can justify to DD2 that she should put up with the smaller room to spare your PFB's delicate feelings

yes leave it, my dds still have their rooms. ds has small one but uses yds room for his music when she is away.

they still come home and have loads of stuff here.