To not want to give dd2 the big bedroom.

[Maisyblue]

Dd1 goes to uni in September and obviously will only need her bedroom in the holidays. 10 year old dd2 therefore asks if she can have her bedroom because it's much larger. Aibu to say it's still dd1s room and it's not fair to move all her stuff into much smaller dd2s room?

Presumably she is not contributing to the rent or mortgage, so she doesn't get to decide. Rooms are allocated on an ad-needed basis, she has no long term squatting rights. It's time for her to grow up.

I, too, would swap the rooms. It seems only fair to let the younger daughter have the bigger room now that your older daughter is gone.

If the rooms were only slightly different in size, I'd say leave it be, but it sounds as though that's not the case. The child who is at home most should have the bigger room, IMO.

How much stuff does the older girl have? I think at that age, most of my belongings were clothes, makeup, and books. It seems like the younger girl would have more in the way of toys, games, etc. My boys, ages 15 and 12, share a room due to the arrival of unplanned girl baby, and even at their ages they don't really have all that much in the way of stuff. You sort of purge as you get older, don't you?

Definitely not an American thing! At least not any part I've ever lived in

Really? Did you have multiple siblings that shared a room and one just took over the empty room?

I've never known a kid that didn't keep their own rooms.

But our house does have spacious rooms (and pretty similar sized), and so did my parent's. So perhaps it is a big house thing more than an American thing?

In some cases yes, Noodles. Well, not me personally; I already had the larger room because my older brother didn't want it.

But yes, anyone I've known who was in a significantly smaller room, or sharing a room, took over the sibling's when they went off to college.

Definitely give the room to dd2. It's ridiculous to keep the big room as some sort of shrine for someone who doesn't live there. She still has a room when she comes home from uni.

I can see why most people are saying swap, if DD2's room is very small. Wonder if maybe it would be better to wait a bit though. Going away to Uni is an unpredictable time - you don't know if DD1 will settle in. I know people who dropped out and re-applied for a different uni/course. Unlikely, but I wouldn't want to disrupt her too much yet. Of course I don't know her.

I am the youngest and did not get older siblings rooms (much bigger) when they went to Uni - I did get the biggest room after a bit, but not immediately. I would have felt like I was pushing them out if they couldn't even use their own room in the holidays. Although if they'd kept it for years when not there and I was still in school, that would have been harsh.

Personally also, I had to bring all my stuff home in the holidays - we had to leave rooms completely empty so they could be used for conferences. I just think your DD1 is hardly out of the door - why not let her settle in and re-negotiate in the New Year. DD2 can always put some of her stuff in the room, or use it for sleepovers, during the term.

I don't really get the attitude of bending over backwards to accommodate children, then suddenly at 18 they have no say unless paying the rent and mortgage! I know you didn't say that OP, but I have seen it on MN. Crikey, give people a moment to get their bearings. If you're in full time education you can't necessarily pay the rent or mortage. It was strictly forbidden and enforced at my university that you were not allowed to have any part time job in term time.

Tell DD2 that she can pay nominal rent on it whist she is away to secure it staying empty.

Personally I think she is being incredible selfish and you are treating DD2 unfairly.

The day I went to uni, my mum had a lodger move in. When I came home in the holidays, I got the box room.

Yeah it stung a bit as a 17 year old but now I'm a grown up, I totally get it.

Dd1 is essentially moving out, in her second year she'll probably have a shared house, not halls, so she might not even come home for the holidays...

I can't see the point in having the best room empty for so much of the year and your dd2 stuffed into the small room.

I'd box what Dd1 leaves behind and store it under the bed and move her left behind clothes in the box room, moving Dd2 into bigger room. Not fair DD2 gets to live in cramped quarters while a bigger room stays empty. Dd1 is being a bit mean if she throws a wobbler about it, she'll be off at Uni and won't care in a few weeks/months.

Op look at it from dd1 view. She's going to an unknown place. The security of that bedroom back home to run to is important. Keep it as her bedroom for the moment but allow dd2 to sleep play in it. In time dd1 when more secure nay let her sister have the room. Depending on how dd1 settles she might be visiting during term times. Maybe rethink it second year of uni.

I'm with DD1. What happens to all her stuff in the holidays? Some universities insist that rooms are cleared every holiday to be used for people on courses.

She will have a huge amount of stuff to store - where will it go?

I cannot believe these posts!

Your DD2 has waited in the small room, for her time to come when she's the oldest child in the house & gets the benefits of that e.g bigger room

Your DD1 is moving out, she's leaving home - yep she'll be back at hols, but essentially she's left.

It's not DD1's room, it's your house and it's time for Dd2 to have priority.

When I went to uni my DB got my room as he was in the box room. That became my room in the holidays. I never kicked up a fuss or felt pushed out. I simply saw it as his turn to get the bigger room, and finally be able to have sleepovers that didn't involve camping in the garden! I got to decorate the small room and some new storage so it felt like mine. Not that I really thought l could "claim" rooms in my parents house - it's theirs to do as they see fit. They don't even have a guest bedroom now as the rooms are taken up with hobby stuff.

I said earlier on that dd1 is adamant it's her room. Her reasoning is that all her stuffs there, it couldn't possibly fit in small room, she's older therefore more accumulation etc. But dd2 wants to be able to have friends over and just spread out more. I just feel torn with it all.

She will surely be taking her stuff with her? Most of it anyway. Are you helping out with paying her digs at uni?

I think you should give it to DD2. Why let a big room sit empty most of the time while your younger DD can't even have friends for a sleepover? That's unfair IMO.

Decision probably needs to be taken now. DD2 offered to vacate her room when she went to uni for DD3. I said no need to rush, why don't we see at Christmas, don't want you to feel pushed out etc. etc. etc.

Now she says she is working too hard (in all the holidays too) and wont be able to move all the stuff till uni finishes.

(DD1 has left completely)

Just because your DD1 is older doesn't mean she gets to commandeer the bigger bedroom.
With effect she will have two rooms, whilst DD2 gets one cramped boxroom
Presumably your DD1 has had sleepovers etc because shes had space available.

In the interest of treating kids equally, you have to do the same for DD2
The space available in your house is used on a need basis.
Your DD2 is at a stage where she needs a bigger room.
Your DD1 will survive

We've told DD she has to have the little room when she starts college never mind university. Currently DS2 and DS3 are squished in there. They are only 3 and 2 at the moment so it's not too bad but once they grow out of toddler beds they will have to swap rooms.

I can understand DD1 being attached to her room, but you have to be fair to both daughters.

Security comes from having a home to go to no matter what not from which particular room You sleep in. Dd1 is being selfish asking that her room be kept as some sort of shrine until she returns. Of course dd2 should have the big room and make it her own

I would leave it, at least for the first term, but let dd2 use the room for sleepovers.In the meantime, think about how to make the smaller room feel like DD1's - paint it her favourite colour etc. Dd2 shouldn't end up with two rooms!

FBR and others, DD1 may well not be able to leave stuff in the room over the holidays, especially for the long vacation. She might not have "two rooms",

I felt so pushed out when my parents did this to me.

Understood the logic, but in our case meant I had to share all holidays, which is about 6 months a year, with a 10 year old, with just one chest of drawers for my stuff

Meant I spent increasing amounts of time away from home, and no longer feel I fit in there

I do get that the bedroom is her space, but it's not like she's got no where to come back to. The house is still her home with her family in it and plenty of room for her.

Saying that she has priority on space 'just in case' makes me feel quite sorry for the younger child who apparently can make do because they know no better

Unless you have a massive house it makes no sense to have a large area of it acting as a glorified storage room for 8 months of the year. I do sympathise with the elder daughter, but if she can't at least acknowledge the rationale with a decent argument - not 'but it's mine' or 'I've got so many things' (which if their not been used for long periods are pointless out on display) - then it's one of those things that you need to be quite gently assertive about.

It's lovely to make transitions as easy and non-traumatic as possible, and I'm all for entertaining even the irrational ones if that makes it easier, but not at the expense of others when it's illogical and sends a hurtful message to them.

We have same problem at the moment. DC2 in biggest bedroom (has finshed uni, (local so lived at home) & now has a job. Spends 80% not a home now(stays at friends)
DC3 in box room.would love bigger room but as DC2 hasnt moved out things continue.DC2 pays a token amount of keep
will need to think about having a chat about her plans.
I can see both sides tbh

DS1 is off to uni in 6 weeks, DS2 asked months ago if he was getting the big room when he goes, it never crossed our minds to keep it empty for months at a time! In fact, so DS1 can get used to being in a small room (his halls' room is half the size of the bedroom he's been in for 10 years) they swapped 3 weeks ago!