Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think parents should make room for adults by getting their kids to sit on their laps.

702 replies

Bouttimeforwine · 15/08/2014 12:14

I have always done this, in waiting rooms, on buses, anywhere really. Even till they were too big really to be sitting on laps. Even now I will get them to sit on the floor at friends houses so that adults get the chairs. It's polite and the way I was brought up.

I often see children taking up a space, when it would be easy just to pop them on your knee for a short period of time. I know for a fact that some of these parents have no physical reason not to do this. They just think that their child has as much right as an adult to have that seat. True but it's not good manners is it?

AIBU?

OP posts:
bakingaddict · 15/08/2014 15:26

I was on the tube the other day and at the other end of the carriage a young guy gave up his seat for an 'elderly man'. The elderly man was a bit non-plussed at being offered a seat and asked the other guy if he really considered him to be that old and frail. I actually felt sorry for the young guy as he seemed quite embarrassed at this questioning by the older man. What was a nice gesture was soured by the man's consternation at being offered a seat

I think manners can be open to different interpretations, after all it wasn't so long ago that it was considered the height of manners for men to automatically open the door for any passing woman but that is now largely considered to be sexist and outdated and a relic of a bygone age

OldFarticus · 15/08/2014 15:28

YANBU - I hate to see able-bodied children sitting when adults stand. It's terribly bad manners, and like a PP I think it's a question of instilling respect for adults and also recognising that adults' lives are usually more physically and mentally challenging than a child's (and that kids have more energy!)

Afraid that when I see children not being told to stand I assume they are badly brought up and judge parents accordingly.

ArcheryAnnie · 15/08/2014 15:29

CSIJanner - what did they want your DC's seats for at the circus? That seems odd. (And I agree with you, if you've booked and paid for seats for a performance, that's not a free-for-all and you get to decide who sits there.)

sillystring · 15/08/2014 15:29

bakingaddict. I agree. I once offered to help an elderly man who was clearly struggling with 2 sticks over a very busy, wide road. He was deeply offended at being offered assistance and insisted on continuing to almost get himself killed/be honked at by irate motorists.

There are a lot of people on this thread who seem to think sticking their noses in where it's not wanted or needed is perfectly acceptable behaviour, oh and they delight in telling us WE'RE the "rude" ones.

almapudden · 15/08/2014 15:30

It does annoy me, as a commuter, when on a very packed tube train adults allow their small children to take a whole seat each, rather than sitting them on their laps or putting two children together on one seat. Especially when they allow the children to put their dirty feet on the seats and inadvertently kick other passengers Angry

OldFarticus · 15/08/2014 15:31

Mind you, I also love it when men hold the door open for me and regard it as good manners, so I am obviously some kind of museum relic! Grin

sillystring · 15/08/2014 15:35

There's a world of difference between not making a small child stand on a crowded bus/train to give up their seat for a capable adult and allowing anyone (not just children) to take up two seats, cover up seats with bags/dirty feet etc. Why do people keep equating the two and extrapolating that DCs are "rude" with ill mannered parents because they put their DCs welfare first?

I would happily give up my OWN seat if DC could still use one and allow a vulnerable/infirm person and I stood next to them.

My own DCs are 17 and 13 now and can make up their own minds if they want to offer their seats and they often do, it's their decision.

But somehow this makes me a "Jeremy Kyle Mumsnetter" and "rude".

What utter, utter bollocks some of you write here.

bakingaddict · 15/08/2014 15:35

Having been brought up with good manners and a respect for all people I do not jump to wild conclusions about how well children are being brought up based on the one fact that they have not given me a seat. I consider those posters being judgmental against people whose lives and situations they know nothing about to be lacking somewhat in basic good manners

sillystring · 15/08/2014 15:36

Cross posted with you baking, that's pretty much what I feel too.

Thurlow · 15/08/2014 15:37

Oh, I do too, OldFarticus (great name btw). I once had a meeting with a clearly old-fashioned, old-school lawyer who stood up when I entered the room, and then stood up again when I left the meeting. You never get that anymore!

Good manners rarely cost anyone anything, but they make the world a much nicer place for everyone.

I don't use public transport much with DD but when we do, she'll certainly be learning to give up her seat for anyone who looks like they need it more than her, or even to give up her seat just because.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/08/2014 15:39

I agree baking

I don't allow my kids to sprawl across two seats each, or put their feet up. I sometimes squeeze them onto one seat to make room or put dd2 on my lap.

But if a seat needs giving up I give mine up because at 7 and 3 I'd they were safe on a seat than stood up being thrown about.

And feck off with sitting on the floor by your shoes. They are children not dogs

OldFarticus · 15/08/2014 15:42

Silly string - I judge those people too!

Kids are pretty robust IME. Special needs aside, they don't generally break as a result of giving up their seat on a bus/train/whatever. It's just a respectful gesture that sadly does not happen as much as it used to. My mother would have kicked our arses into the middle of next week if we had allowed an adult to stand while we sat.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2014 15:42

Yanbu I think it is manners to let an adult have a seat where possible and it continues into adulthood I dont think it teaches children to be 2nd class or anything I am a believer I respect for others and elders, I dont know when children became such delicate flowers my youngest is 16 and we all moved children onto laps when she was little

OldFarticus · 15/08/2014 15:46

Thurlow - my DFiance insists on opening car doors for me, even when it's my car and me driving! He does the same with all my female friends and both our mums! I unashamedly love it and will be encouraging our sons to do the same! Grin

bakingaddict · 15/08/2014 15:51

Sillystring I think all perspective goes out the window on these types of threads. It's obvious that as a parent travelling with young kids you will try to make way for other people as much as you can but not to the detriment of your child's safety. If that makes me a Jeeza Kyle mum too then book me a slot on his next show

Squtternutbaush · 15/08/2014 15:52

Those who judge parents with "able-bodied" children do you silently judge or do you actually ask?

Not sure if you're aware but you can't see all medical problems...

SevenZarkSeven · 15/08/2014 16:00

I always give my seat up for small children as they can't hand on well sometimes and are small and people squash them when it's crowded and shove them along and it's pretty scary when you're that size. Often nothing they can reach to even hold on to.

I would never expect a young child to stand up for me, I can hold on much better and others can see me so and my face isn't at elbow height etc

I often find myself out of step with others on these type of threads though.

bakingaddict · 15/08/2014 16:04

Just a thought from Thurlow's post. Maybe that's the difference in attitudes displayed on here. Maybe those of us who travel regularly on public transport such as the tube and buses learn all about the little things that can make your journey more stressful and prone to difficulty.

Standing on the tube in a packed carriage with a timid DS and lots of adults pushing in front of him to get off, he nearly got left behind. It was only some unbecoming lack of manners on my part and pushing the offending adults out of the way that I eventually got him off the tube. If you only use public transport very occasional then perhaps you can make more concessions

MuddlingMackem · 15/08/2014 16:05

Squtternutbaush Fri 15-Aug-14 14:10:26

This whole thread is why I walk 99% of the time and book seats for trains!

Actually where do we stand ('scuse the pun) with trains? People don't seem to complain about seating on those despite being massively over crowded. We always book in advance.

SevenZarkSeven · 15/08/2014 16:09

Yes bakingaddict.

I really don't think that little ones should have to stand for adults and TBH I have not seen this, normally if a little one is standing someone will offer a seat even more so than for pregnant / elderly people etc as it is blatently dangerous. People can't see them and so push shove and elbow them, they often don't have anything to hold on to, really it's not safe.

MN advice on what to do on public transport often seems a bit odd. Maybe it depends on where you live or what sort of transport you're getting or how crowded it is or something. The priority seats even have a picture of a person with a child I think, so TFL don't expect them to be standing for all and sundry.

Gileswithachainsaw · 15/08/2014 16:17

Lots of drivers have always told people to sit the kids down if They are little.

By all means have your seat but you won't be going anywhere

KoalaDownUnder · 15/08/2014 16:20

YANBU, at all. Children standing for adults is common courtesy.

Woozlebear summed it up perfectly back on page 3.

Thurlow · 15/08/2014 16:21

Older kids can stand. Younger kids can sit on your lap.

I actually use the Tube every day. I always give my seat to someone with small children as yes, it's crowded and manic and potentially dangerous for them.

But if I was on the Tube with DD and without a pushchair, she'd be on my lap rather than in her own seat if it was busy, until she was old enough to stand.

sillystring · 15/08/2014 16:22

I've even seen bus drivers wait till they've seen a child take a seat before they drive off, seems a bit odd that anyone would then expect that child to vacate their seat, unable to strap-hang and take their chances on a crowded bus with people twice their size squashing them from both sides.

Mrsjayy · 15/08/2014 16:25

And dont get me started on women with large handbags who obviously need a seat on the train I was on yesterday