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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To NOT want to adopt?

120 replies

Redpolkadots2 · 14/08/2014 17:21

My DH has zero sperm count and obviously this means conceiving children naturally is out.

One option is to have a baby using donated sleek via IVF. The child of course wouldn't be DH's biologically.

The other option is adoption but I really don't think I want to do this (DH is fine either way.) the reasons are:

I do want a baby and I can't pretend this isn't important to me, being pregnant and breastfeeding and giving birth. Naming our child. Seeing all the important milestones.

I hate how invasive adoption is; I fully understand it has to be but I just shudder at the thought of past partners being probed and colleagues!

I feel it's confusing for the child as they are encouraged to maintain some sort of relationship with birth parents and siblings and I'm not sure I like this.

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was Sad

I'm definitely not anti adoption and I think people who are adopt are amazing but aibu to say it's not for me?

OP posts:
EatShitDerek · 14/08/2014 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeenThereGotTheTShirt · 14/08/2014 17:24

YANBU - I know a few people who have adopted and it is incredibly challenging as well as rewarding, I don't think anyone should do it if they aren't fully into the idea.

SteeleyeSpanx · 14/08/2014 17:24

The problem here is the invasive nature of adoption vetting, not your perfectly reasonable issues with it.

YANBU

PumpkinPie2013 · 14/08/2014 17:25

YANBU

Some people feel they can adopt but lots of people don't. Nothing at all wrong with not wanting too.

I hope you have success with IVF Flowers

Wetthemogwai · 14/08/2014 17:25

Yadnu, it is perfectly fine to say that it's not for you.

You may find though that as it progresses or if you manage to conceive via IVF then it may before a more appealing option?

TheGoop · 14/08/2014 17:25

Absolutely YANBU, it is not your responsibility to solve the children in care crisis just because you are infertile.

Did the other person, who said you are selfish, adopt any children? if not why not?

It is suggested far too easily to people with infertility issues, as if it's a really easy thing to do. It's not. it's a hard long road and if you would rather choose IVF then go for it.

juneybean · 14/08/2014 17:26

YANBU, it's a very personal decision and I can completely understand why you want a bio child.

magimedi · 14/08/2014 17:26

YANBU at all. And I don't understand how it could be considered selfish. As long as your DH is happy with the idea of the whole IVF thing then it is the right route for you.

Very best of luck & hope to hear you posting about your PFB before too long.

Flowers
MostWicked · 14/08/2014 17:26

Adoption clearly isn't right for you. It isn't right for everyone.
Is your DH happy to pursue the donor sperm route?

foolishpeach · 14/08/2014 17:26

YANBU. I hate the way that people with infertility are told to "just adopt".

You are not selfish. I think you have shown more insight into what you want/can cope with than most people are able to.

Good luck, whatever you decide to do from here.

ToffeeMoon · 14/08/2014 17:26

Of course YANBU. Clearly 99.9 percent of people think the same - hence why we all ttc rather than fill out adoption forms.

HerRoyalNotness · 14/08/2014 17:28

Not selfish at all. If it's not for you, it just isn't! I realised that it wouldn't be for me after I met DHs DD and had my own DC, it would have been a bad idea for me to adopt if we hadn't been able to have DC

Terrierterror · 14/08/2014 17:35

It's a simplistic, knee jerk reaction from people who aren't actually thinking.

ADHDNoodles · 14/08/2014 17:37

You adopt for the child and their needs, not for you to feel goo about yourself. You don't adopt expecting the kid to feel grateful that you "saved" them. You didn't. You willingly took in another member of the family, the same as if you gave birth. Nothing more, nothing less. If you can't do that, then don't adopt. Too many parents do this, and once the novelty wears off, a host of problems they weren't prepared for kick in and they feel overwhelmed because this isn't what they pictured it to be like.

Adoption isn't for everyone, and it's not a secret that adopted kids are likely to come with issues and LD's that are going to make them more difficult than your own child that you were there for at the beginning and knew what was going on during pregnancy.

I'm not anti-adoption, don't get me wrong. DH was adopted. I'm all for it. But parents need to go in with eyes wide open.

People that suggest adoption need to understand it isn't like picking up a dog at the shelter who will just automatically love you for taking them home. Humans don't operate like that, there's far more complex and multifaceted issues at hand.

Anyway, yes YANBU. People that suggest adoption like it's an easy and squishy love story are the unreasonable ones.

Vitalstatistix · 14/08/2014 17:37

No, it isn't selfish. It's sensible to really look at yourself and to be honest about what you can and cannot do. You owe it to any child to do that.

It would be selfish to go blindly into something when you are not sure that you are up to it. Because you'd be thinking only of your needs and not whether you would be the best parent for the child.

So if having a child that is biologically yours is something that you must have, then it is wise to not go down the adoption route, not selfish.

People who are telling you you are selfish are idiots. They aren't looking at the need and right of the child to be matched with the parent best able to be all that they need.

I would not adopt for the same reason. I don't have it in me to be a parent to a child that is not biologically mine and therefore I would have no right at all to inflict myself on a child who has the right to be loved by a parent who absolutely sees them as theirs.

People who just wave a hand and go oh, adopt, are ridiculous. Do they even take a moment to think about what a child needs? about all the challenges?

ICanSeeTheSun · 14/08/2014 17:38

If you don't want to you don't want to, a child who either been placed for adoption needs to have parents who truly want them.

Original poster
Redpolkadots2 · 14/08/2014 17:42

Thanks :) I think the logic was DH could love a child that wasn't biologically his so why can't i - but it's not that. It's that the child really belongs to somebody else while donated sperm makes it DH's baby there from conception to birth.

OP posts:
ElephantsNeverForgive · 14/08/2014 17:44

YANBU
I would feel exactly the same in your position and would have tried for donor eggs if it was reversed.

People who adopt and long term foster as a DF has are amazing, but I couldn't do it.

roastednut · 14/08/2014 17:45

Yanbu I also get this said to me quite often. It's hard because my dh would do it, and it looks unlikely we will have a child anyway (age and ivf failures). I genuinely don't want to though.

IsThisOneTaken · 14/08/2014 17:48

Adopted children don't 'belong to someone else' and while the process is invasive, ex partner references are only a part of the picture.

But parenting adopted children is very different to having birth children and you are not selfish to not want to adopt.

From the mother of two adopted children.

annielouisa · 14/08/2014 17:50

Go with what works for you and your DH and do not let a random stranger on a forum make you feel bad.

Pandora37 · 14/08/2014 17:54

Of course you're not being unreasonable! Wanting to have your own biological child is a natural thing for most people and I think it's perfectly understandable that you want to go through pregnancy and have a baby from birth. It may not be your husband's biologically but he will be involved from conception and will have a bond with the baby when it's born. With adoption you're going to have to bond with an older baby/child and that's hard.

I remember having a debate about adoption with someone online and she said a similar thing, that infertile couples should adopt rather than have IVF. Apparently, it made her "angry" that all these kids were being left in care. Yet this woman had 3 biological children of her own and hadn't adopted. It was all too easy for her to make judgements when she'd never had problems conceiving. IME, it's the people who shout the loudest saying you should adopt who have no clue what it actually involves. Feel free to ignore them.

IsThisOneTaken · 14/08/2014 17:58

YY to people thinking that it's infertile couples job to adopt all children and get them out of the care system.

Not sure if it makes a difference by the way, but to the best of my knowledge I'm not infertile... We never tried for birth children but I still don't believe anyone who does want the experience of pregnancy/birth/infants is selfish. But it's a common view and almost always from people who've had birth children, and no issues conceiving... These are the people who are often anti IVF too.

Original poster
Redpolkadots2 · 14/08/2014 18:02

IsThisOne I don't mean any offence but it is the way that bonds to the birth family including siblings are prioritised and the fact the child can trace their biological family at 18.

That makes me feel they don't really belong to you. That you're just doing the bit in between until they're an adult. I respect people who can see past that but i couldn't

OP posts:
maggiethemagpie · 14/08/2014 18:05

I totally understand where you are coming from. I thought I would be unable to have a second child due to a medical issue, so looked into the adoption process as it would be safer for me not to go through another pregnancy (I could conceive fine and carry a baby to term, but it would potentially have a devastating effect on another part of my body). After looking into the whole process I decided it would not be for me, mainly due to the invasiveness and digging into my history -I have a few skeletons in the closet but nothing that would stop me being a loving mum to an adopted child.
I was so put off by it that I decided, on a second medical opinion, to risk having another child myself. I was very ill in the pregnancy but got through it.
I don't think adopting is at all like having a biological baby, and I take my hat off to anyone who can go through it.

I would seriously consider the sperm donor route. It doesn't matter that the child will not biologically be your husbands. You will be its parents from day one of it's life. I wish you the best of luck.