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AIBU?

To NOT want to adopt?

120 replies

Redpolkadots2 · 14/08/2014 17:21

My DH has zero sperm count and obviously this means conceiving children naturally is out.

One option is to have a baby using donated sleek via IVF. The child of course wouldn't be DH's biologically.

The other option is adoption but I really don't think I want to do this (DH is fine either way.) the reasons are:

I do want a baby and I can't pretend this isn't important to me, being pregnant and breastfeeding and giving birth. Naming our child. Seeing all the important milestones.

I hate how invasive adoption is; I fully understand it has to be but I just shudder at the thought of past partners being probed and colleagues!

I feel it's confusing for the child as they are encouraged to maintain some sort of relationship with birth parents and siblings and I'm not sure I like this.

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was

I'm definitely not anti adoption and I think people who are adopt are amazing but aibu to say it's not for me?

OP posts:

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Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 16:35

I don't discuss DH on mumsnet at all. Suffice to say we have discussed everything at length

OP posts:

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 16:37

... Which sounded snooty sorry. :)

DH would be okay with being child free. He is happy to have them but because I want them. With this in mind we are finding the 'best' way forwards.

OP posts:

IsThisOneTaken · 15/08/2014 16:43

Sorry... I meant how would your DH feel about you being genetically related but not him if you did go down the sperm donation route?

About the possibility of your DS/DD wanting to meet their 'real' dad (I say real not because I believe a biological father is a real father... But because that's how your DS/DD may term it)

About your DD/DS wanting an ongoing relationship with their biological father?

Don't answer online, but he - alone - needs to think about it deeply. And he needs to come to a decision utterly free from the pressure that must be almost unavoidable when to answer 'I don't want to do this' means taking away the opportunity to have children from his DW.

IsThisOneTaken · 15/08/2014 16:45

But I do wish you every possible success.

For me and DH it was 'easy'. We both knew we wanted to adopt and didn't consider trying for biological children, let alone actually try to conceive.

CateBlanket · 15/08/2014 16:47

OP - I asked you how you would feel, not how your DH would feel.

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 16:48

I doubt that even if they do want a relationship they will be able to have one - people don't donate sperm in order to have a child.

In any case the treatment will be overseas in DHs native country.

I'm glad your decision was easy for you. This decision was easy for us too. I respect yours without grilling you about how you would feel if ... Please respect mine and my husbands.

OP posts:

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 16:48

I answered, Cate

OP posts:

IsThisOneTaken · 15/08/2014 16:54

I'm glad your decision was easy for you. This decision was easy for us too. I respect yours without grilling you about how you would feel if ... Please respect mine and my husbands.

Look back at my previous posts. I'm not grilling you. I'm simply highlighting things that some people in a similar position to you may not have considered or may be blinded to in their quest to start a family.

If you feel you're getting a grilling I shall bow out of the thread as it isn't my intention... But the point about your DH's feelings stands.

And no, you are not selfish for not adopting going back to your original question.

chinam · 15/08/2014 17:01

Yanbu.Adoption is clearly not for you just as much as fertility treatment was not for me. I am curious though for all of you who don't think you could love an adopted child as much as a bio child, how do you manage to completely love spouses, friends etc. They are not related to you by blood (I hope) They all come with their own experiences and baggage. Yet we manage to love them and make wonderful lives with them.

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 17:10

IsThisOne perhaps grilling was harsh. But I know people who know they wouldn't even consider IVF - it just wasn't right for them. One lady I know openly admits it is religious reasons: she feels the embryos are a life or a potential life. I don't question why she feels this way. She does. That's it.

With that in mind I do feel endlessly probing me on the logic of my decision - when I have acknowledged several times some of the feelings may not be rational but this doesn't diminish them - repeatedly telling me my biological child may have special needs (thanks, by the way, that's lovely to hear the month before you may actually get pregnant!) and make it sound as if what I want is a designer baby when nothing could be further than the truth. You deal with problems and issues as they arise with any child
I imagine, adopted or biological. But I still don't feel adoption is right for me. This seems to have been twisted into my unsuitability as a mother which I feel is unfair.

Chinam I love DH with all my heart but it is different love to the love I had for my parents. It will be in turn different to the love I have (hopefully!) for my child(ren.)

OP posts:

IsThisOneTaken · 15/08/2014 17:20

I haven't once mentioned special needs or designer babies...

For what it's worth. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to experience pregnancy, birth and the newborn weeks/months and I say this as someone who chose to do the opposite despite (to the best of my knowledge) having the option to do so.

Let's face it... Having kids (whichever way you do so) could hardly be described as a rational choice!

Tell anyone who says you're selfish for wanting that to fuck the fuck off then fuck off some more. Especially since I'll wager, a lot of them have birth children. It has absolutely fuck all to do with your suitability to be a mother.

Good luck!!

Cranfieldmc · 15/08/2014 17:32

If the treatment is overseas in your dh's native country does this mean the donor will not be traceable if the dc want to in the future. Repeat, I am perfectly with you on the decision not to adopt and the wish for the pregnancy and early baby years, that is why I chose doc rather than adoption and I don't regret that. I would have regretted it if I had chosen donor route and the donor had been ultimately uncontactable if dc wanted to in the future. I didn't know that at the time I conceived and I wish someone had been there for me to emphasise how important leaving that option may be to the kids in the future (I believe as you have said op that it is less likely that donor will want a relationship per se but children nay like to have all the info about their genetic connection, or then again they may not).

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 17:41

We are adhering to uk guidelines despite not being uk citizens.

OP posts:

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 17:42

(But for the record I don't wish to discuss the donation itself any further - thanks.)

OP posts:

CateBlanket · 15/08/2014 17:50

I don't really see the point of this thread. You've made up your mind to go for donor sperm, so go for it. Why ask if you're being unreasonable not to want to adopt, why would you care? You've made some pretty strange comments about parenting an adopted child and when called on them you get all huffy.

I'm off - bye!

Greythorne · 15/08/2014 17:57

I agree Cate
Totally pointless thread.

OP - you know what you want to do, you are doing it (to the point where you think you might conceive within the next month.

Most people have told you you are not bring unreasonable not wanting to adopt.

What do you want from this thread?

SuperScrimper · 15/08/2014 18:20

It seems like the OP wouldn't actually tell the child they are donor conceived.

I read a thread a few months ago where the Mother said she would never tell her DC and I found it so distressing.

It is every child's right, their fundamental right, to know who their genetic parents are. You may not think its important, just biology, but not everyone sees it like that. If they find out later in life it will be horrifically distressing.

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 18:32

The OP would, but just really doesn't feel up to talking about it with people I don't know. Sorry.

I suppose the point of the thread was to establish my own feelings on the matter. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it would, I think, be FAR more unreasonable to go ahead with a process I'm not really into in any way.

I'm quite a private person and I didn't want to discuss it with friends so I came on here instead. Obviously it wasn't with the intention of annoying anybody but numerous threads are started by people who 'know' they aren't unreasonable but just the same want to bring a matter up to gauge others' reactions.

OP posts:

Redpolkadots2 · 15/08/2014 18:33

Oh and cate - they aren't strange. One other person has acknowledged they feel the same. Not rational I will concede, but I have acknowledged that from the start.

I have been nothing but complimentary to you and others regarding adopted children and have said a few times now that I wished I could have the same viewpoint but I just don't and can't pretend I do.

OP posts:

IsThisOneTaken · 15/08/2014 19:00

I suppose the point of the thread was to establish my own feelings on the matter. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but it would, I think, be FAR more unreasonable to go ahead with a process I'm not really into in any way.

I mean this in the kindest way.... But never - in a million years - would you be approved to adopt when you feel as you do... So don't worry about the what ifs!

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