To NOT want to adopt?

[Redpolkadots2]

My DH has zero sperm count and obviously this means conceiving children naturally is out.

One option is to have a baby using donated sleek via IVF. The child of course wouldn't be DH's biologically.

The other option is adoption but I really don't think I want to do this (DH is fine either way.) the reasons are:

I do want a baby and I can't pretend this isn't important to me, being pregnant and breastfeeding and giving birth. Naming our child. Seeing all the important milestones.

I hate how invasive adoption is; I fully understand it has to be but I just shudder at the thought of past partners being probed and colleagues!

I feel it's confusing for the child as they are encouraged to maintain some sort of relationship with birth parents and siblings and I'm not sure I like this.

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was

I'm definitely not anti adoption and I think people who are adopt are amazing but aibu to say it's not for me?

[notinagreatplace]

We're in the same position - except that it's egg donation that we need - and, like you, have decided against adoption.

For me, it's several things:

the encouragement of "open" adoptions, I just don't want to have to have contact with the birth family, it would make me feel like my child wasn't really mine, particularly as my child would likely (assuming that we'd be unlikely to be given a baby) have memories of them

the fact that absolutely everyone would know that our child wasn't biologically ours from the start - of course, we would tell our child about the egg donation, but it would then be their choice who else to tell, it wouldn't be something that everyone knew by default. I like the idea of it being something that is private but that the child can reveal to people that they trust on their own schedule

the fact that an adopted child would have potentially quite a lot of formative experiences that we were no part of - of course, any child has lots of experiences away from you but, with an adopted child, potentially we're talking about years that you just don't know much about

on a related note, most adopted children have had some really bad experiences in their childhood, attachment issues/behavioural issues, often disabilities of various sorts. My DH and I aren't well equipped to parent that kind of child - we both work full-time in demanding jobs and intend to continue with that. I think, with a baby that we conceive and raise from birth, that should be fine but a child that we adopted would likely need more focussed time and attention from us.

I don't feel that, as someone with fertility issues, I have more of a 'duty' to adopt than anyone else. In fact, in some ways, I think people who are already parents are probably much better equipped to do so. I would consider, later in life, when I've started to wind down my career doing fostering or other work to support children in care but adoption isn't for me.

[Redpolkadots2]

My thoughts echo yours almost precisely nota

I'm fairly sure we won't change our minds: have looked into both at length and this is the path for us. I'm certain that, if IVF didn't work, we would choose to remain childless rather than to pursue adoption.

Children aren't ours; they are however a part of our families and I feel the system at the moment wants children to be part of two, and I know that's not something I can commit too.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Another adoptive parent here who says YANBU to decide that adoption isn't for you, and no one should make you feel bad for that.

Parenting an adopted child is not the same as parenting a birth child (I also have a birth child). Not all of it bad (quite happy to have had someone else do those knackering early baby days!) but overall just different.

But in case people reading this are thinking about adoption, I want to just counter a few of the issues raised by other posters:

• "open adoption" is where adoptive children have direct, in person contact with their birth family. It's actually incredibly rare - letterbox contact (an exchange of letters through a third party, perhaps annually) is far more common
  

• of course some people will know that your child is adopted, as they do pop up out of nowhere. And of course it will depend on physical appearance. But there is no big sign around adopted children's necks that marks them out - no one who meets my children would know that one of them is adopted, any more than it would be obvious that a child born through egg donation etc would be.
  

• the assessment process isn't exactly pleasant, but it is not as intrusive as some people assume. It takes a while, but not necessarily longer than fertility treatment. And there's no physical intrusion such as with IVF
  

• I regard my daughter's birth family much as others I know regard distant step family members: it is nonsensical to pretend they don't exist, but to all intents and purposes they don't. DD is absolutely a part of our family as if she had been born into it.

[FamiliesShareGerms]

Oh, and my mum was very upset at the thought of an adopted (grand)child going off at 18, when we first discussed adoption with her. But when I pointed out our DS could disappear off to Australia or somewhere at 18, she started to come around.

[Redpolkadots2]

You know, it's weird.

If my birth child said 'mum, I want to go to Australia!' Id be so excited for them. Sad, but pleased.

An adoptive child going to live down the road with their birth family would break me into tiny pieces.

I don't know why!

[CateBlanket]

Jesus wept. Would you stop being so bloody patronising to adoptive parents! We are not "amazing", we're just parents who chose a different route to parenthood than some of you.

And stop being so dismissive of our children, their bond to us and our lovely, happy families. No mother or father could love their child more than DH and I love our adopted DD and she returns that love tenfold.

OP - it is very rare that an adopted adult chooses to live with their birth family. In fact, the majority don't even trace their birth parents.

YANBU to not want to adopt but some of the reasons cited here by you and others are silly and offensive. Good luck with your road to becoming a parent but to all those who shudder and say "I couldn't love a child who wasn't my own" ... well, you'll never know, will you? I wouldn't have missed out on parenting my gorgeous, funny, kind little girl for anything in the world.

Off to RTFT now [smile[

[CateBlanket]

or even!

[saintlyjimjams]

My DH and I aren't well equipped to parent that kind of child - we both work full-time in demanding jobs and intend to continue with that. I think, with a baby that we conceive and raise from birth, that should be fine but a child that we adopted would likely need more focussed time and attention from us

There really are no guarantees with biological children. As I already said my eldest is far more disabled than we would have agreed to take on if adopting. You usually have a better idea of what you're taking on with adoption surely?

Whatever way you become a parent you are entering the unknown.

[Redpolkadots2]

Sorry Cate but I DO think you're amazing :)

I think you're amazing because you can do what you listed above: take in a child who isn't related to you and love them to pieces and defend them to the hilt and love them some more.

I do think that's amazing, because I couldn't do it :)

[NewtRipley]

Redpolka

I don't want to undermine your compliment to Cate, but everything about being a parent is a bit unknowable. Some people don't manage to love and defend their own child all the time

[NewtRipley]

Oh I see saintly has made a related point

[Redpolkadots2]

Yes it is unknowable. I can't explain why I feel I could venture happily into the unknown with a child that I have carried but not one that I have adopted but I don't feel I can.

I could give birth to quads with a myriad of physical and mental health issues but I expect I won't . I could but I don't think it's likely.

I really wish I could say 'oh I don't care! I will adopt a child and it will be my child then because of the law.' Only it wouldn't be the same - my heart would clench of the child shouted I wasn't his/her 'real' mum. I would be distressed and find it difficult to forgive them wanting to seek their own family. Those who say they don't all want to miss the point - they have the right to, and I would resent this. That isn't fair.

I want a baby. If that's wrong or selfish sorry - but i do. A baby I have carried, given birth to, and named.

I do admire people who don't care about the above, or whose determination to have a child is such that it becomes irrelevant. That isn't patronising because it's true.

But it isn't for me.

[Greythorne]

I think having a baby any which way is a lottery. My best friend is a very intelligent, highly qualified M and A lawyer who has a little boy with severe autism. Her approach to being a parent is now not what she assumed. She was going to go back to work but she now home schools him and does not work. Lots of people have children they were not expecting. Not just special needs, but many things change between our expectations and reality.

Your suggestion of quads with complex medical needs is a bit ridiculous. Very unlikely of course. But having a bio baby who does not fill in your dreamy picture of parenthood is actually not unlikely. Most of us discover that, bio or adoptive parents.

[Redpolkadots2]

Would you like to point me to where I mentioned a dreamy picture of parenthood - I don't think I did :)

I gave my reasons in my OP; I didn't once state I expected to have a baby with a particular 'format' in mind. Just that, I know I wouldn't be able to bond with a child I hadn't carried myself.

I'm sorry if that makes me 'ridiculous' but it's how I feel and, as I have acknowledged, makes me unsuitable to adoption just as adoption is unsuitable to me.

[Redpolkadots2]

And I don't see having a baby as a lottery - I think I just see it as becoming a parent. In a lottery you either win or don't. When you become a parent you have a son or daughter. They may not look as you expect or behave as you expect but I don't really have any expectations.

[Cranfieldmc]

As above I completely don't think you are being selfish not adopting if that is not for you, what does worry me slightly with this thread (and others I have seen posted previously recently) is whether you/your DH have considered how different it will be having a child via donation. It's also not straightforward (although a lot of the issues you have cited not carrying a child won't be there) a large amount of delicacy around your child having another bio family may be required in the future. Personally feel that if someone is not up for dealing with this they need to consider carefully whether donation is for them. I know that lots of fertility clinics present it as just another fertility treatment and (certainly when I was ttc back 8 years ago) nothing but the barest consideration was given to the future implications for the child. (Not trying to say that having dc via donation is a bad thing in any way you just need to be aware of what you may need to deal with in the future and be able to see that it isn't all about you but about them and their needs). I hope you find the solution that suits you and that you and your family are happy. X

[notinagreatplace]

Sorry, Redpolka, I think it's my post that has led to the tangent on special needs.

For what it's worth, I completely get that I could have a baby through IVF that turned out to be very high needs in whatever way. However, I also know that that is more likely to happen with an adopted child because a) there are a higher proportion of disabled children up for adoption than of children as a whole and b) most children in care have been neglected in some way and that has an effect on them. I don't think that being prepared to accept the small chance that I might have a severely autistic baby means that I should be prepared to adopt a severely autistic child.

You could say that parents shouldn't go into parenthood without accepting that their children will be ill sometimes so they shouldn't make decisions that reduce illness (not sneezing over children, letting them eat food that might give them food poisoning, breastfeeding) - after all, haven't they accepted illness just by becoming parents?

Personally, it's not that I couldn't love an adopted child at all, it's more that because I would love that child, I would resent 'sharing' them with the birth parents, I would hate to have to write annual letters, I would get angry with the birth parents if my child displayed signs of having been neglected, I would get anxious that my child might get rejected or hurt by the birth parents if they decided to trace them, and I think all of that means that I wouldn't be a great parent to an adopted child.

Also, as Redpolka says, I want to raise a child from birth, I want to do the baby years. I prefer children to babies in general but, for me, the baby bit is an important part of what I want from parenthood. I would be much more inclined to adopt a baby than a child but I gather that that is unusual.

[CateBlanket]

Redpolka - how will you feel if your DD/DS turned on your DH and said "You're not my real dad"?

How will you feel if your DD/DS decides to contact her biological father when she grows up? What if s/he decides s/he want to live with him and any bio half siblings s/he might have?

[Greythorne]

But the point is that you only see downsides to adopting (they still "belong" to someone else / you don't get to choose their name / they might want to seek out their bio parents later) and yet there are no guarantees with bio or adopted children. A bio child with SN or medical problems or DS or any one of myriad conditions will bring their own uniqueness to your life. You see the challenges with adoption and I am trying to point out that there are also challenges (different challenges) with all children.

And yes, I think you are presenting a dreamy vision of how you will instantly bond with a bio child. Check out the threads about PND and failure to bond with newborns. Check out the threads where mums are desperately lonely, socially isolated, worried sick about their baby's sleep / wight gain / failure to hit milestones and everything else you see on MN. The majority of these threads are about bio children.

[IsThisOneTaken]

Redpolka - how will you feel if your DD/DS turned on your DH and said "You're not my real dad"?

How will you feel if your DD/DS decides to contact her biological father when she grows up? What if s/he decides s/he want to live with him and any bio half siblings s/he might have?

This.

In addition... Even if you don't think it'll be a problem... Is your husband prepared?

[CateBlanket]

What it boils down to is that whatever challenges, problems, heartache my Darling(adopted)Daughter might face in life, I want to be the mother who is there supporting her through them all - even if one day she decides I'm one of her problems

I've got her back like no-one else in the world (apart from her besotted daddy).

[Redpolkadots2]

It really doesn't bother me. I don't know why. I would feel the same about it if I needed eggs - it would still feel like my child.

I don't know why special needs are coming into it. If I had a child with special needs then I would have a child with special needs. Why is this in any way relevant to not wanting to adopt? Everyone has similar risks and so on. Why not tell everybody on 'conception' they are foolish trying for a baby as they might get one with special needs.

[IsThisOneTaken]

Jesus wept. Would you stop being so bloody patronising to adoptive parents! We are not "amazing", we're just parents

Speak for yourself. I'm fucking awesome*







*although this is nothing to do with being an adoptive parent...

[IsThisOneTaken]

It really doesn't bother me. I don't know why. I would feel the same about it if I needed eggs - it would still feel like my child.

Does your DH feel the same way?

[Redpolkadots2]

Oh and obviously a child born from donor conception is a bit different. Someone donates sperm to help someone else have a family not to have a family themselves. Biological parents of adoptive children do not usually (I accept that there are exceptions) relinquish them voluntarily.

But maybe I just shouldn't be a mum at all because I can't change my mind on this. I want to but I can't. I want a baby and a baby I carried and gave birth to. And if I can't have that - then I won't be a mother.