To NOT want to adopt?

[Redpolkadots2]

My DH has zero sperm count and obviously this means conceiving children naturally is out.

One option is to have a baby using donated sleek via IVF. The child of course wouldn't be DH's biologically.

The other option is adoption but I really don't think I want to do this (DH is fine either way.) the reasons are:

I do want a baby and I can't pretend this isn't important to me, being pregnant and breastfeeding and giving birth. Naming our child. Seeing all the important milestones.

I hate how invasive adoption is; I fully understand it has to be but I just shudder at the thought of past partners being probed and colleagues!

I feel it's confusing for the child as they are encouraged to maintain some sort of relationship with birth parents and siblings and I'm not sure I like this.

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was

I'm definitely not anti adoption and I think people who are adopt are amazing but aibu to say it's not for me?

[Ladyofthehouse]

Of course you are not bring unreasonable. We have two adopted dd's and wouldn't change it for the world. They are ours in every sense....personality, likes and dislikes, confidence and a definite stubborn streak!

Had two goes of ivf but not for us. But to be honest even after adoption I've had people say but if only you'd have had another go you might have been lucky and had your own baby!! With my daughters right there!

I think that unless you've had to face these kind if decisions you'll never understand it.

Good luck to you though x

[HappySunflower]

I'm not going to sugar coat it-adoption is hard, bloody hard, and if you really do feel its not right for you, then you have made absolutely the right decision to discount it as an option.
However, I would just like to say that I couldn't love my daughter any more if I had given birth to her. She feels absolutely like my daughter; yes she had/has a birth family, and they will always be part of her history and life story. But I am her Mum, and she is my daughter and we have a lovely life together. It is easy to forget that she didn't grow inside of me as I don't wake up every day remembering that I adopted her.

I wish you the very best of luck in your journey to parenthood, whatever route you may end up taking :)

[Redpolkadots2]

Honestly I wish I could feel as you do Happy but I couldn't. I know the contact with the birth family is small but even so - loving and nurturing a child for eighteen years and have them turn round and seek their biological family - I couldn't do it!

I also undoubtedly couldn't raise a child whose name I hated. They would never feel like mine.

Piper I'm not sure where you got the impression DH. Is unhappy about adopting, I said in my OP he feels either way is fine. I don't think he understands what adoption is like nowadays: he thinks we could choose a baby! But he is fine either way.

[YellowTulips]

You feel how you feel - it's not right or wrong. It's equally not selfish.

As such go with what you want - especially if your DH is happy either way.

Good luck

[HappySunflower]

Adoption isn't for everyone, and its certainly good that you know its not for you at this stage.
In many ways it would be completely selfish to go through the process and adopt if it wasn't right for you- children in the care system have been through tough times and had tricky starts to their lives, so its important that adoption is the right thing for all concerned.
So, this is me blowing a virtual raspberry at whoever it was who said you were selfish, and my very long winded way of saying that you are not being unreasonable!

[4boysxhappy]

I think adoption is a wonderful thing and may some day do that or long term foster.

However it is not for everyone and so if in any doubt don't go there.

My friend's sister is a foster parent and has a little boy that has gone through three failed adoptions (You can imagine how that has affected him). She is now trying to adopt him herself.

[YouAreMyRain]

I have two adopted children. The oldest has a first name that I absolutely would not have chosen. In fact, my heart felt like it sank through the floor when I heard her name for the first time. I didn't know how I could possibly love a child with such an awful name and I was embarrassed even saying it.

Now it's just her and totally does not matter to me. The reality of the child overtakes the name very quickly. It doesn't bother me at all now.

As regards the possibility of them not feeling like yours, ours only have letterbox contact once a year but the birth family have never even bothered to send anything, which is very common.

I remember hearing a quote that our children are only ever borrowed, never owned which was actually about birth children and how they have to make their own way in the world and you have to let them go eventually.

A birth child could choose to reject you when they reach adulthood and go NC on you. There are never any guarantees as a parent.

YANBU because you don't have to consider adoption, and it can be challenging. Anyone who thinks it is easy is ignorant.

I have a birth child too and for them the love was instant, with my adopted children it had to grow, but I consider them equally loved and equally mine.

I hope you find your own way to become a mummy.

[smellyfishead]

YANBU adoption isn't for everyone and is certainly not something to be seen through rose tinted glasses!

I second what another person said upthread, sperm counts can change, have you got the option of going to a different clinic/getting a second opinion?

Im currently 35 weeks pg with a surrogate baby, about 3 yrs ago the father of the baby was told his sperm count was virtually zero, however this must of changed somewhere along the line as I fell pregnant on the second insemination attempt!

[vanessalightyear]

Sorry if this is way off the mark, but would surgical sperm retrieval be an option for your DH? Sorry if you have already checked that out just thought it was worth mentioning. I have a little boy from ICSI using TESA with husbands (immature) sperm.

[vanessalightyear]

Oh and YANBU of course

[Pipbin]

I have had two failed ivf cycles and I'm about to start round three. So many people have asked if we are going to adopt and seem confused when I say no.

[Cranfieldmc]

Yanbu. As others have said adoption can bring its own issues, the vetting process is invasive and you miss out on some of the beautiful early bonding experiences. (Just to clarify I don't think this makes the journey less amazing overall, I suspect the early bonding is just as intense, just different). I'm really sorry to hear about your dh's diagnosis, my DH also has azoospermia. I have 3 DC by sperm donation. They are beautiful and I wouldn't change anything; however, I think this is also a different route to forming a family that needs to be very carefully thought about. The fact that 50% of your child's genes come from someone else is likely to be relevant to your children as they grow older. You need to plan from the beginning if/how/when to tell your children and accept that there is a chance they will want to find out more as they get older. In the same way as with adoption you can't simply sweep genetic origins and it should be acknowledged how important this might be to your child later in life. All the very best, having a family by donor is something I could never regret no matter what the future brings. X

[MyBaby1day]

No, YANBU, but maybe, just maybe, the idea will grow on you. I too have problems (not fertility) but others and adoption is the right route for me-but not for everyone. It's something you need to really want and be fully on board with before it can work. I know a couple of other people who have adopted and in both cases it's worked out brilliant but, as with biological children, you never know what the future holds and what challenges they'll bring. I know it won't be all plain sailing despite adoption being for me in my case. Good luck with IVF.

[temporaryusername]

YANBU. You can have your own child. You don't have any fertility problems, your DH does. I would like children of my own but failing that, I would far rather enjoy my freedom that adopt. Adopting isn't what I'd want from being a parent and I wouldn't do it well. I don't believe that makes me any more selfish than anyone else who has not adopted - whether they have their own biological children already or not. Many people could decide to have one child and adopt rather than have another, but they don't. Why on earth should the pressure be on you just because your DH cannot be the father.

I think adopting is a wonderful thing, please don't get me wrong. I know from relatives that it can be incredible for all parties and is a truly great thing that can create loving families. I think it is key, for that to work, that someone wants to adopt. It would be selfish to go ahead with adoption if you didn't really want it, because that would be damaging to the child.

[Floop]

Nothing unreasonable here. Very wise in fact. I know I wouldn't be suited to adoption.

[temporaryusername]

I think my post sounds a bit harsh - I am actually not saying I would never adopt and my feelings on it could well change, just that it would have to be when and if you felt ready and willing, not down to pressure. Otherwise I don't think it would work well.

[ChouetteMouette]

YANBU. Two years ago, we found out the my husband has zero sperm with no chance of surgical retrieval. We went down the donor sperm route (IUI) and now have a gorgeous daughter. Adoption was mentioned to us but we both decided that we would go down the donor route.

As far as we're aware though, any child that you have via donated sperm will also have the option at 18 to find the donor.

Do PM me if you want

Oh, and - it's a hard road to walk sometimes.

[toomuchtooold]

The person on the other forum can fuck right off, OP. It always gets up my nose when people suggest that infertile couples should adopt, as if couples who've gone through years of heartache trying to conceive are ideally kitted out with the emotional strength and the resources for the struggle of looking after children who may have been treated very badly and have attachment issues and challenging behaviour and the whole lot of it. People with kids already probably the skills but nobody calls them selfish if they don't want to add to their family by adoption, having previously taken the option to have a child naturally.

[sashh]

But is this selfish? Someone on another forum said it was

So what?

A lot of things we do are selfish, being married is selfish, someone else might 'need' you dh more than you do. Buying clothes you like when someone else can't afford them, eating, going out, buying a car.

And clothes, cars and fancy food are all less important than a child.

Children is one area where people should be selfish, no one should become a parent because someone else thinks they should. Also no one can tell you how you feel. It is you who experiences your emotions and if adoption is not right for you then it is not right for you.

[NewtRipley]

YANBU. At all.

But something YouAreMy Rain said was what I was thinking. There is a fantasy about birth children which is that they are ours completely.

Khalit Gibran quote

[NewtRipley]

sorry Khalil Gibran. The whole poem is beautiful Sorry for Hijack!

[mcdog]

Hi, I'm am adoptive mum to 2 boys but I don't actually think that's relevant to what i'm going to post.

If you have a child via sperm donation, that child has a legal right to trace their biological father when they turn 18. At some point, preferably sooner rather than later, your child will have to know that their dad didn't "make them".

That's not to say your DH won't be the best dad ever (my DH is to our boys), but the fact they are not biologically his is relevant.

Anyway, YANBU to rule out adoption. The same way YANBU to rule out anything you don't want to do!

Good luck with whatever you choose to do

[SuperScrimper]

I echo being honest with the child. They might well want to find their biological Father later on too, and totall should have the right to do that.

[saintlyjimjams]

It's fine not to want to adopt. I always thought I would in preference to IVF when dh & I talked about it, but everyone is different. We have 3 biological children anyway (one with very severe learning difficulties - more than we would have agreed to take on had we been adopting btw!)

I do think your ideas of children 'belonging' to you if they're biological are wrong though. Children never belong to you - whether adopted or biological. And yes worth talking through with your DH about the possibility of any child seeking his biological father in the future.

Off topic but obviously YANB selfish for not wanting to adopt

[melika]

I have read your post, you know what you are going to do and I say good luck.

Don't hang around overthinking it, if you want to experience birth and all the wonderful feelings to come, get on with it!

Here's a bunch of , you have already been through the mill, enjoy the rest of your life.